Artie Lang Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 i'm not saying that you deserve to be cheated-on, but the matter-of-fact way you describe his behavior makes it seem that he should be absolved of his horrendous behavior because of his social status. furthermore, it makes it seem like the most important reason you're in this(relationship) is because being his wife/mate carries some prestige. this guy is no prize... more like damaged goods. if you're as smart as you claim, you'd run... run very fast! this guy has serial cheater written all over him. you don't need a Masters to see that... just plain ol' common sense- "The first time a person shows you who they are, believe them." 2
JS84 Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 So if he treats everyone else like crap, including his own family, how long do you think it will be before he turns that behavior towards yourself after you marry him??? If you started a family with him how would he eventually treat them over time?? This guy sounds like a total douche who has you wrapped around his finger. He couldn't even promise to be faithful to you. "I'll do my best"?? Seriously??? You have multiple red flags practically beating you in the face. Don't ignore them so you can cling to a false sense of hope with him. I'd recommend not marrying this guy.
Lixxy Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ You see where all the little arrows are pointing? Read it. Then when your done. Re read it again and then if necessary get it tattooed on a part of your body where you can see it and read it everyday. You see what he thinks about his own mother. He calls her a "Naive Moron" so you better understand this princess, he doesn't think that highly of you either. He boggles you mind with words that you want to here and your sucking it all in by the gallon. If he can be so completely disrespectful to his own mother to the point that she's nothing but $hit on his shoe and your still are enamored with this silver tongued wind bag then I wish you the best of luck because you will need it. One gets what one deserves Wow. You just completely patronized and called her "Princess"... whilst explaining why someone else is a jackass? Ha, irony. Maybe his description of his mother is completely accurate. Do you know her? No one is obliged to think "Mummy is terrific!" Where on Earth do you get the logic from that his opinion of Mummy Dearest is in any way demonstrative of how highly he thinks of completely different person? 1
No Limit Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 (edited) Wow. You just completely patronized and called her "Princess"... whilst explaining why someone else is a jackass? Ha, irony. Actually I didn't want to post here again, but I couldn't resist peeking in so I'll state it plainly; If a guy believes he's the smartest thing on earth/has superior intelligence to everyone who surrounds him, even has his own "girlfriend" catch up some of that bull***** (no offense to the OP but I'm always wary when someone mentions how smart they are in the internet unless they are trolls with Sheldon Cooper as avatar image) and if that guy has problems being social/is unreasonably socially hostile, something has definitely gone wrong somewhere. Him being a meanie could be inner frustration, maybe he's one of those emotionally underdeveloped people (in school we meet them as bullies) who can't/have difficulties to differ between social nuances, but that's his/his psychologists probem* and cannot be solved by "love". Should her "boyfriend" develope further skills until it reaches far into social abuse she'll be suffering from social isolation and will learn what true helplessness/loneliness means and considering that the psychical consequences last for a lifetime makes me believe that not even the most hopeful OP deserves that. That's basically what artdet attempted to describe. M'kay, big post, but I can't see how someone could defend these sort of people, not even in the internet. Whether his mother is a gift from God or not doesn't matter at all here, the OP wants to be with him not his mom. *Be aware that should his developement-direction rather go for the term "psychopath" someday, the need to practise superiority and control over others, then that isn't a neurosis. There's no therapy because it's his personality, something no one can change. Edited March 16, 2014 by No Limit 1
Author Prettylittlechick Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 Wow, I didn't expect so many responses: today I was with his sister who encouraged me to leave him, she assured me that all of them are behind me and won't cut their ties with me(I have become good friends with his sister during the time I dated him) and they all absolutely understand if I decide never to see him again, I told him that I'm leaving him and if he ever wants to see me again he seriously needs to rethink his life style, I told him that I accept him as long as he doesn't cheat on me ever again and I told him that it will take a long time for me to trust him and I may never trust him completely ever again, he said that he is willing to promise me anything I desire and that I shouldn't behave radically and believe him when he says that he will do everything in his power to make sure that I'm never hurt again; I asked him twice whether he will cheat again or not and he told me that he won't, he told me that he will die before he does it again because he doesn't want to lose me for some meaningless one night stand. he told me that for him I'm the perfect image of what a woman should be and he would never risk losing such a precious thing.(I know he was flattering me but it fooled me at that moment). I also told him that I won't say yes if he proposes now and if one day I can trust him again I'll tell him, he accepted all that but the calm manner in which he did them pissed me off so in the end I just told him that I'll be spending a few weeks with his sister and her flatmate and he said he couldn't suggest a better place himself; in the end he just said " don't be an idiot like people around you; being sad is no reason to get drunk or high and don't forget that I love you".(he probably said that because his sister smokes weed a lot and he doesn't approve). Now I'm surrounded by all these people who are telling me what to do and what not to do; some are in favour of me leaving him for good and some tell me to stick around and see if he delivers on his promises and some of them suggest such retarded things that I won't even bother to describe.
Author Prettylittlechick Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 Him being a meanie could be inner frustration, maybe he's one of those emotionally underdeveloped people (in school we meet them as bullies) who can't/have difficulties to differ between social nuances, but that's his/his psychologists probem* and cannot be solved by "love". . I don't know whether it is right to say what he told me as the reason of him being hostile to people; it made total sense when he described the years before he developed this personality, he said that during elementary school and middle school he was always smarter and much more well behaved than other children and sometimes adults but they all gave him a hard time by calling him an idiot when he knew he was right, (they made fun of him when he explained why he didn't believe in god, etc) he was never a bully (He said that the only reason he wasn't bullied was that he was taller and stronger than other kids otherwise everybody in the school hated him enough to bully him) he didn't have any friends and his mother forced him to hang out with people his age whom he didn't consider his equals; one of the reasons he doesn't respect his mother's opinion is that she is okay with social intractions with people from lower cultural tiers(his opinion not mine). he does all this not out of being immature, he is misinformed about the nature of people based on his childhood exp, I know this to be true; he intracted with people who were below average in terms of cultural sophistication and intelligence and now he considers almsot everyone the same. I think such beliefs could be easily fixed.
DasPope Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 At least he was honest with you. If my wife had of been honest with me prior to our wedding at least I would have had the option to say "No I don't want to live like that". He will cheat on you that much you know. The rest is up to how you want to handle it. Is he worth putting up with that stuff ? 1
anne1707 Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 That doesn't stack up. You are trying to explain how he felt before he became an egotistical bully but basically your description of him in childhood is still that of an egotistical bully.
bubbaganoosh Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Wow. You just completely patronized and called her "Princess"... whilst explaining why someone else is a jackass? Ha, irony. Maybe his description of his mother is completely accurate. Do you know her? No one is obliged to think "Mummy is terrific!" Where on Earth do you get the logic from that his opinion of Mummy Dearest is in any way demonstrative of how highly he thinks of completely different person? She sees how he treats people and has no problem grinding his heels into his own mothers back and still can't see the forest from the trees because his mother forced him to socialize with the riff raff people of lower tiers. If your going to give the girl advice Lixxy, then do so, but if your on these forums for the sake of confrontation with other posters with your useless information and put downs then why be here. 1
2sunny Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 If you are agreeable to his style of communication- and think he could change - then it may be worth waiting 5 years to see if he does change. If he changes and secures your trust over that extended time; and begins treating others with dignity and respect - consider it after the 5 years has passed.
Lixxy Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 She sees how he treats people and has no problem grinding his heels into his own mothers back and still can't see the forest from the trees because his mother forced him to socialize with the riff raff people of lower tiers. If your going to give the girl advice Lixxy, then do so, but if your on these forums for the sake of confrontation with other posters with your useless information and put downs then why be here. My own partner hates his mother, for very, very good reason. I'd be quite shocked if he didn't after how badly she mentally and physically abused her children (and also physically beat children who weren't hers.. my god). She's an abusive person, and my partner had to grow up with that, so I saw it as only natural to pull you up on what you said on account of the fact that it seemed like you were "Princessing" the OP about over something you've simply no clue over. I think it's silly to waltz in on her with that attitude when you have no idea if what he said about his mother was accurate or not. That said, yes, he does sound like a jackass. OP, if you're happy being cheated, stick with him. It doesn't sound like he wants to change for you, unfortunately. 1
thinkingofhim Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 He was probably calm because he knows he's got you wrapped around his little finger and you'll come crawling back within a week. If you want to break up with him BREAK UP WITH HIM, don't say you'll marry him eventually but you're going to punish him by living with his sister for a little while. I mean wtf? Is that seriously the consequences he gets for cheating? He's going to be cheating on you again immediately, he's probably going to cheat on you 100% of the time you're gone. It's painfully obvious that this guy thinks he's better than other people, thinks he has a right to cheat, thinks he deserves to cheat. If you can tolerate him cheating for the rest of your married life, marry him. If you don't want to be married to a cheater, marry someone else. I wouldn't count on a marriage lasting very long anyways. With his entitled attitude, I'm sure he's going to feel he's entitled to a younger model after about 10 years and just swap you out. 2
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 I don't know whether it is right to say what he told me as the reason of him being hostile to people; it made total sense when he described the years before he developed this personality, he said that during elementary school and middle school he was always smarter and much more well behaved than other children and sometimes adults but they all gave him a hard time by calling him an idiot when he knew he was right, (they made fun of him when he explained why he didn't believe in god, etc) he was never a bully (He said that the only reason he wasn't bullied was that he was taller and stronger than other kids otherwise everybody in the school hated him enough to bully him) he didn't have any friends and his mother forced him to hang out with people his age whom he didn't consider his equals; one of the reasons he doesn't respect his mother's opinion is that she is okay with social intractions with people from lower cultural tiers(his opinion not mine). he does all this not out of being immature, he is misinformed about the nature of people based on his childhood exp, I know this to be true; he intracted with people who were below average in terms of cultural sophistication and intelligence and now he considers almsot everyone the same. I think such beliefs could be easily fixed. This explanation is so absurd, I can't even believe it. I see no childhood trauma here. I see a man that has always thought he was better than everyone and has carried that belief into adulthood. None of this explains his self-righteous, egotistical behavior. All it says is that he always been like this. In elementary school he KNEW he was smarter than most other kids and some adults?? You're not going anywhere. He KNOWS your not going anywhere, and this space he is so calmly giving you is a game. He's giving you time to convince yourself that all can be swept under the rug and you both can have a future together. You've already forgiven the past 3 women he's admitted to sleeping with. You've already verified through family members that his behavior is accepted and expected from men in his family. Yet now you want to believe that he will not do it again because he loves you and doesn't want to lose you. Since he hasn't already lost you after THREE indiscretions, he knows there's no gamble involved. He tested you by revealing the 3 women he's slept with already, and you've shown him that he has the upper hand. Checkmate. 2
Timmos Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 He sounds like a real narcissist/douchebag/jerk. Narcissists/douchebags/jerks lie - and they're damned good at it - because it gets them what they want. And that is all that matters. Hey, at least you'll get some nice new shiny jewelry whenever he finds someone new to ****. But I'm just a unsophisticated serf, so what do I know? 4
Arvin_Solheim Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 This explanation is so absurd, I can't even believe it. I see no childhood trauma here. I see a man that has always thought he was better than everyone and has carried that belief into adulthood. None of this explains his self-righteous, egotistical behavior. All it says is that he always been like this. In elementary school he KNEW he was smarter than most other kids and some adults?? I read this twice until I decided to answer, as someone who has been in a similar situation I have to disagree with you greatly, believing that you are better doesn't stem from the fact that you are delusional about it, maybe you actually are better and that has been proven to you..... let me tell you a story about 3rd grade of elementary school....my teacher started to bash Darwin and evolution, I liked reading since I was very small so basically despite me being 9 years old I knew that the repressed bitch was bull****ting us so I told her that you are wrong, I was so polite back then. nowadays when someone says the same things I reply with "You are an idiot, go live in a cave like your ancestors who believed your non-sense". The same thing that she said about her boyfriend being laughed at for being an Atheist occurred to me numerous times in high school or people making fun of me for getting simple short haircuts instead of putting gel or other **** on my hair and looking like a total douche like they did or making fun of me for wearing suits to school......Sometimes you are better than the snotty nosed ****s around you and it is okej to make them feel like ****, they deserve it.... 2 years ago I convinced my father to cut the salary of our workers by 20% and decrease their benefits, not because it benefited me or the company but because they are sons and daughters of the same people who burnt my grandfather's factory in the same city 35 years ago simply because he was in favour of the previous regime......revenge doesn't fix anything but it sure as hell feels good, to me what her boyfriend is doing is just good old fashioned revenge directed at the entire human population:D alright that sounds too cool because even I can't do that!hehe.
Trimmer Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 (edited) 2 years ago I convinced my father to cut the salary of our workers by 20% and decrease their benefits, not because it benefited me or the company but because they are sons and daughters of the same people who burnt my grandfather's factory in the same city 35 years ago simply because he was in favour of the previous regime......revenge doesn't fix anything but it sure as hell feels good, to me what her boyfriend is doing is just good old fashioned revenge directed at the entire human population:D alright that sounds too cool because even I can't do that!hehe. What a pleasant little allegory. You must be so proud. You don't think that "good old fashioned revenge, directed at the entire human population" sounds just the tiniest bit megalomaniacal? And finally, it's funny how you can say the same thing two different ways, and it seems to take on a whole different meaning: Revenge doesn't fix anything but it sure as hell feels good. Revenge sure as hell feels good, but it doesn't fix anything. Edited March 18, 2014 by Trimmer 2
Arvin_Solheim Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 And finally, it's funny how you can say the same thing two different ways, and it seems to take on a whole different meaning: Revenge doesn't fix anything but it sure as hell feels good. Revenge sure as hell feels good, but it doesn't fix anything. Very true Sir, but I'd imagine if humanity had become mature enough to move past its biological conditions that are stupid and juvenile(like the desire to exact revenge upon those who did you wrong) we would've bent the entire Galaxy to our will
Trimmer Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Very true Sir, but I'd imagine if humanity had become mature enough to move past its biological conditions that are stupid and juvenile(like the desire to exact revenge upon those who did you wrong) we would've bent the entire Galaxy to our will You believe revenge is a biological imperative? You, who weren't the recipient of those events from 35 years ago, taking gleeful revenge on those who weren't the perpetrators of those events? It's handy to avoid taking responsibility for what you know to be immature (as you imply above) by saying "it's biology driving me; I can't help it...", but sorry, that's not very credible. 4
Arvin_Solheim Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 You believe revenge is a biological imperative? You, who weren't the recipient of those events from 35 years ago, taking gleeful revenge on those who weren't the perpetrators of those events? It's handy to avoid taking responsibility for what you know to be immature (as you imply above) by saying "it's biology driving me; I can't help it...", but sorry, that's not very credible. I was not directly influenced 35 years ago(I wasn't even born yet), but what those people did, triggered a chain of events that caused me to want to leave my own country in favour of another and forsake all my heritage and submit myself to years of hardship before I could adjust to the life in a new country and make a comfortable life for myself when I could've enjoyed wealth and a high social status without making an effort; of course I'm mad at those people, I shouldn't be but I am and I use every opportunity provided to get back at them for what they/their parents/grandparents did, revenge is a biological imperative, some of us just feel bad about taking revenge because social morals obligates us to act otherwise, since I don't constrain myself a lot with what's right or wrong in the eyes of other people who bear no significance in my life, I tend to do what I feel is right, because at the end of the day what matters is whether I and the people I care about(my Girlfriend, family, friends) are satisfied with the current status of our lives or not.....Needless to say I think it was wrong of me to say that what I consulted my father about yielded no interest whatsoever for me or his company; that would just make me a bitter jerk he did add a yearly extra profit which was a significant amount in the current economy of Iran for a 5 year period and gave me a very generous commission for my council. But It seems were going off topic..... let's not discuss who did what when anymore....All I'm trying to say is that I would understand if someone hates everyone it is a sad thing for a person to be this biased against everything but totally understandable given the right circumstances......
TaraMaiden Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 With reference to the OP and the thread topic, I lost interest at "Boyfriend keeps cheating....." 2
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I read this twice until I decided to answer, as someone who has been in a similar situation I have to disagree with you greatly, believing that you are better doesn't stem from the fact that you are delusional about it, maybe you actually are better and that has been proven to you..... let me tell you a story about 3rd grade of elementary school....my teacher started to bash Darwin and evolution, I liked reading since I was very small so basically despite me being 9 years old I knew that the repressed bitch was bull****ting us so I told her that you are wrong, I was so polite back then. nowadays when someone says the same things I reply with "You are an idiot, go live in a cave like your ancestors who believed your non-sense". The same thing that she said about her boyfriend being laughed at for being an Atheist occurred to me numerous times in high school or people making fun of me for getting simple short haircuts instead of putting gel or other **** on my hair and looking like a total douche like they did or making fun of me for wearing suits to school......Sometimes you are better than the snotty nosed ****s around you and it is okej to make them feel like ****, they deserve it.... 2 years ago I convinced my father to cut the salary of our workers by 20% and decrease their benefits, not because it benefited me or the company but because they are sons and daughters of the same people who burnt my grandfather's factory in the same city 35 years ago simply because he was in favour of the previous regime......revenge doesn't fix anything but it sure as hell feels good, to me what her boyfriend is doing is just good old fashioned revenge directed at the entire human population:D alright that sounds too cool because even I can't do that!hehe. All this tells me is that you are living with many of the same issues her boyfriend is. I am half black and half asian and grew up poor in a very right wing southern conservative area. I was constantly picked on and berated all through school because of my clothes and hair. My mother couldn't afford the clothes or hair products that would have made me accepted by my school mates. I didn't know who to identify with because my school was strictly split between whites and blacks. I was too black for white friends and acted too white for black friends. The couple friends I had were all outcasts like myself. I never had a boyfriend because I was considered a weirdo. Kids were mean and I was relieved when I finally graduated high school and was free from the torment. I will be attending my 20 year reunion this year. Many of these same people that were so cruel to me in high school, I am now friends with on FB. I don't feel any resentment towards them whatsoever. We were all kids. I am now an attractive, successful, educated 38 year old woman that can easily pass for 27. When I show up, I KNOW without a doubt, that I will stun some of my former classmates. My revenge is that I didn't let them change who I was in my course of life. I am still open-minded and sympathetic to others. I am happy and do not live with bitterness in my heart for the ignorant ways of others. I have MANY close friends now, both male and female, who would move mountains for me and a man that loves me like no other. If you allow other people to infect your mind in such a way, then they've won, no matter what sort of revenge you think you've taken, you're the one who is always damaged. 3
sunburned Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 He hasn't done any specific thing except buying me a necklace, he told me that he doesn't want to be like this and as I said in the first post he said that he's willing to go to hormone therapy, he also offered me to tag along to the office when he's working and I go when I can but I don't have that much free time on my hands. For cheating men? There is no such thing. What medical school are you in? sunburned, MD PS I don't believe you or your thread are real.
KaliLove Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 Oh honey no..just no. This man is disgusting and he will never change. If you marry him, you will be giving him cart blanche to stick his **** anywhere he wants with no repercussions, treat you like dirt, and most likely pass along multiple STDs to you. Run. Run away immediately. He is an abusive prick. 1
revelations Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Prettylittlechick When someone cheats on you before you are even married this is a very bad sign. The person you are describing is not a catch. Really think about it, do you want to be married to someone who is probably going to cheat on you again? Love and respect yourself and get away from this person as fast as you can. However I know at times this is easier said than done. So let's ask ourselves some questions and give some honest answers. If this man had no money or very little would you still want to be with him after he cheated? If the answer is no then you should examine why money is more importaint than your own piece of mind and happiness. Do you get a charge out of or feel special that he is nice to you but mean to everyone else? If this is true then you may want to work on your self-esteem. Belittling others to feel better about yourself is a sign of low self-esteem and a massive ego. Will you be able to accept that he will probably cheat again on you, are you okay with sharing him? Again look at self-esteem, do you really love yourself this little? Do you not think that you deserve to be treated better? Are you trying to change a bad boy into a good man? Lernaean_Hydra nailed this one right when often times women get caught up in trying to change the bad boy. Remember most men get married with the hopes that his wife will remain the same. Most women get married with the hopes that her husband will change. The trouble with change is that it is not always for the better. I will tell you that for myself I would rather marry a porn star than to live with a cheating wife. At least with the porn star she can be honest, a cheating wife has no trustworthiness. Do yourself a favor and leave this cheater. It is better to be alone and happy than to be with someone who is cheating and being miserable. I envy you in a way because you were able to find this out before getting married. I found out years later after being married for a long time. If I had know way back then what I know now I would have left without a second thought. Use that wonderful gift you have been given and spare yourself a whole lot of pain. Give yourself the gift of a happy future.
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