Danielle1114 Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 I agree with goumao. This guy sounds clinical narcissist. He is doing what a narc does, which is glitter, flash, be so amazing to himself that he doesn't have to adhere to social norms of courtesy, respect for others, and playing fair with you. I feel like you are getting set up. He is telling you what he is. It's what a narc does. Then later when you are emotionally ruined by them, they say, but you knew how I am before we got married, I told you what I was. Maybe he decided to turn over a new leaf before marriage, but I found with my partner, who cheated on me... how can you tell? How can I tell? The crux is he just disrespected your trust in him and informed you this trust was going to continue getting violated. He doesn't have a hormone problem. He has a problem understanding that he is making choices he needs to own, and then choose other things... like fidelity to his partner.
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 he is a really sweet person to me and that says a lot about how much he loves me since he treats everyone else like garbage(he's the type of guy who tells his boss to go f himself in a New year party in front of everyone) It is very possible you have this mixed up. He is who he is around everybody else, aka a rude, cruel, a-hole and with you, he appears to be nice, loving and kind. Sorry to be blunt but your boyfriend is NOT a nice guy. A nice guy is nice to everybody, not just to the love of his life. I hope you wake up and see he's playing you selfishly, and he isn't husband material. 2
beach Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 I think you are getting tangled up with his lack of character and lack of treating others with respect and your focus on his looks and money. Also, you state that he treats you better than anyone else - but he's cheated on you and isn't emotionally available = that isn't adequate for a lifetime of happiness for most. Think about it - he treats you better than he treats others... But he is still willing to treat you with disrespect and disregard... Staying with him or marrying him is just an agreement you would make that allows him to do more of that same crappy behavior. It's not good enough! You may think it's good enough...and if you do - the don't ever have children with him. And get a prenup that states for every year you stay married to him - he owes you $100k per year for the damage he will cause to you. He's abusive and it's his payment to you - since you would be signing up to be his victim.
Author Prettylittlechick Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 I think I described the situation in a bad way, let me correct some of the mistakes most of you made: I have seen his emotional and selfless side, most of the times he goes out of his way to make me happy and does things that I've never seen anyone do for anyone, when he is with me I'm literally the priority of his life, he worships me in front of others and treats me like a queen, when we argue or fight he always listens patiently and tries to calm me he is a different person when he is around me he is confrontational with other people and puts them down as hard as he can when they get in his face(Not physically, he knows exactly what words to use to hurt people and he doesn't hold back when he wants to) I talked to his grandmother today who is a very educated and nice old lady; she told me that his grandfather was exactly the same when he was young but she wouldn't have chosen any other man to be her husband in a million years and said that the cheating was a small price to pay for the amount of support and care(emotional as well as financial) she had recieved; she told me that all other husbands were busy at work and too caught up with their own lives to care for their family but for his grandfather the family was the number one priority and he made sure that nothing was wrong with it, all his family(mother, uncles, aunts) talk about how great a man their father is and how he was always there for them, protecting them, keeping them from failing, teaching them to be better people, and everyone say that Dietrich(my bf) is exactly the same way as his grandfather, he is blunt and brutal but he doesn't make people feel like **** for no reason, when he tellls his mother or sister insensetive things it is usually his way of giving them advice(he gives good advice but in a very direct and insensetive way), other times that he makes people feel like crap it's usually because they said something stupid or tried to lecture him on something. I'm not hooked on his beauty or his wealth, I'm sure I can get richer and better looking men(he admitted it once long ago) I geniuenly believe that he is an amazing person(If I rule out the cheating), not to strangers obviously but to me, he is a responsible person and he is a wall that people can lean on, I don't think he'll be a bad father, he'll be a very strict one for sure. The talk I had with the grandmother made me realise something; 60 years ago it was very normal for a woman to expect her husband to cheat, now it's not the same, I feel entitled to ask my man to be faithful to me but a pathatic part inside of me just, doesn't get that! It's funny how he always jokes that he belonged to 1960's or something.
Candice Luna Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 (edited) All I have to say is I can't believe a young woman intelligent enough to attend med school can't see what she's getting into. If you're in any way attractive (and I guess you are from your nickname), you WILL find a better man. However, its your life so do whatever you want. Just know that you're dreaming in lala land right now and the wakeup will be brutal. Edited March 15, 2014 by Candice Luna 1
No Limit Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 I believe you're sticking to him because he seems assertive. Able to 'protect you'. Perhaps you just like the way he presents himself to the world. Truth be told, as soon as that world knows he's having a hooker every day they won't give a damn if he has put them into an embarassing situation or has verbally assaulted them, all they will do is laugh. Either way, none of us can help the unwilling. No, there is no recipe to magically make him a never-cheating spouse, he will continue to do this until either you break up with him or he will, although it sounds more likely by now that he will since you could never do it yourself. And please don't bring up now how "he loves only me and me forever", he doesn't need a different female partner in a relationship to become bored of you, he already has plenty of female partners in bed. And if every time somebody tells you it'd be best for you to break up and all you say is "I can't, he's the best man in the world for me", then we can't help you at all. You'll have to invest a few more months/years until he leaves and you learn it the hard way, I'm sorry. Best of luck. 2
Arvin_Solheim Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 I am going to say what most people didn't here....first off let me tell you how much I like your boyfriend not having met him, he sounds cool....He probably has had dicks all around him during his teenage years and now he's taking all that rage out on them, that normal behaviour....I do the same because people made me miserable when I was a kid just because I acted a little older than my age and were smarter than them.... It's a natural reflex to social hostility inflicted by the masses, when you have enough strength you beat the people who beat you earlier ten times as hard:D all that being said while it is true that sometimes men cannot help cheating they can minimise it. I for one could not say no to almost any girl who was physically fit and had above average looks it's sad but it's true, I tried to change myself when I felt my relationship was slipping out of my hand, I love my girlfriend and won't want to lose her so I try to stay as neutral as I can around attractive women to minimise the chances. HE CAN CHANGE! I say that as a serial cheater who hasn't cheated for over a year....If he is unwilling it means that he will think that you don't care about him cheating or he is sure that he can cheat all he likes and at the end of the day you'll be at the house waiting for him wearing a pretty red dress.....I decided I needed to change when my girlfriend left me and I had to win her back, maybe if he feels like he will lose you if he keeps going will help him to change....just be sure not to make any threats you're not willing to carry out...... take care and say hello to him;)
Author Prettylittlechick Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 Truth be told, as soon as that world knows he's having a hooker every day they won't give a damn if he has put them into an embarassing situation or has verbally assaulted them, all they will do is laugh. Either way, none of us can help the unwilling. No, there is no recipe to magically make him a never-cheating spouse, he will continue to do this until either you break up with him or he will, although it sounds more likely by now that he will since you could never do it yourself. And please don't bring up now how "he loves only me and me forever", he doesn't need a different female partner in a relationship to become bored of you, he already has plenty of female partners in bed. And if every time somebody tells you it'd be best for you to break up and all you say is "I can't, he's the best man in the world for me", then we can't help you at all. You'll have to invest a few more months/years until he leaves and you learn it the hard way, I'm sorry. Best of luck. What hooker? did I talk about any Hookers? He would never pay for sex, that's just not who he is.I actually don't know what to say to this post, part of me tells me you're right but I can't shake the feeling that there is more to him than being just a cheating jerk.
No Limit Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 all that being said while it is true that sometimes men cannot help cheating they can minimise it. "Minimise" is not enough for a monogamous relationship. One partner or you find yourself a new one who wants an open relationship or FWB. and at the end of the day you'll be at the house waiting for him wearing a pretty red dress.... Give the dog a treat for pooping inside the house? Goodness no. You too only 'learned' by facing reality, your girlfriend was as good as gone. That was necessary to have your mind click in, whether temporarily or permenantly has yet to be seen. But all the times she might have been attentive to you or actually listened to you, something that no ONS ever would, you've been blind - and those are the real things to go for. Pretty dresses are packages to embellish the truth and leads to nothing really. Perhaps it will make him stay a little longer, but as I understand the OP would have wanted a way to make him stop cheating, not keep him in the house a few weeks longer. Not sure about that though. 1
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 I've been in a relationship with the most amazing man on the face of the planet; He's beautiful, successful, powerful, loving, doesn't smoke or drink or do drugs, generous and honset(well only to me) ^No he's not. there is just one problem.....He keeps cheating on me.... Yeah, just one HUGE SIGNIFICANT problem a week ago he sat me down and told me that he was going to propose to me but he had to tell me something first; he told me that during the three years we've been dating he has slept with three women(all one time things and not continueous) when I asked him why he told me this he said it was his duty as a man to be totally honest with the woman he loved and intended to marry, If that was his "duty" he wouldn't have cheated in the first place. This guy is full of ****. I like to follow the "judge someone by what they do, not what they say." This guy has failed and you should move on. But based on your defensiveness about what a "great guy" he is I see thing will be a struggle. 1
Author Prettylittlechick Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 HE CAN CHANGE! I say that as a serial cheater who hasn't cheated for over a year....If he is unwilling it means that he will think that you don't care about him cheating or he is sure that he can cheat all he likes and at the end of the day you'll be at the house waiting for him wearing a pretty red dress.....I decided I needed to change when my girlfriend left me and I had to win her back, maybe if he feels like he will lose you if he keeps going will help him to change....just be sure not to make any threats you're not willing to carry out...... take care and say hello to him;) That sounds like a good solution; I'm just not sure whether I can be convincing enough, I can lie well but he is a natural born lie detector and part of his bussiness is calling other people's bluffs...My friends keep telling me to give him an ultimatum- a real one, I just don't know what to say or how to say it to him, I know if push comes to shove I can leave him alone for a while because I'm sure he'll come back for me instantly. Sometimes I wish there was someone he'd listen to, but he doesn't, he had a boss that he used to respect and listen to and he was such a nice jolly man but he got a promotion and moved to United States, there is literally no one he considers in his level of understanding, his friends are a bunch of sympathatic doormats who frogive anything he ever does and worship him as a god in the end of the day, and even though he cares about his mother he would never listen to her as he considers her to be a "Sweet and beautiful woman but a Naive Moron as well".
No Limit Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 What hooker? did I talk about any Hookers? He would never pay for sex, that's just not who he is.I actually don't know what to say to this post, part of me tells me you're right but I can't shake the feeling that there is more to him than being just a cheating jerk. Well who knows what the girls/women he's screwing are doing as profession. And of course he doesn't pay for sex, he obviously doesn't need to. If he can't find a girl at the bar you're still at home waiting for him. I can see this is hopeless so it'll be my last post, but as someone who intends to study medicine in the near future please don't sleep with him should you notice physical differences (although chances are it'll be too late at that point, but it doesn't hurt to check visually 'cause I doubt he'll test himself for STDs). Wouldn't want to get cancer/AIDS and other health issues from a cheater. Like I said above, best of luck. When you break up just don't cry for him, focus on yourself and friends. 1
Arvin_Solheim Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 That sounds like a good solution; I'm just not sure whether I can be convincing enough, I can lie well but he is a natural born lie detector and part of his bussiness is calling other people's bluffs...My friends keep telling me to give him an ultimatum- a real one, I just don't know what to say or how to say it to him, I know if push comes to shove I can leave him alone for a while because I'm sure he'll come back for me instantly. Sometimes I wish there was someone he'd listen to, but he doesn't, he had a boss that he used to respect and listen to and he was such a nice jolly man but he got a promotion and moved to United States, there is literally no one he considers in his level of understanding, his friends are a bunch of sympathatic doormats who frogive anything he ever does and worship him as a god in the end of the day, and even though he cares about his mother he would never listen to her as he considers her to be a "Sweet and beautiful woman but a Naive Moron as well". You should be direct....you need to make peace with the possibility of him not coming after you, if he's good at calling other people's bluffs he might call you on yours:) Don't bluff....let go unless he changes and hopefully he will change, if he truly meant it when he said that you're the only one whom he ever forged an emotional bond with, if you really are the only one he ever loved and the only person he doesn't hate then he will change:) and he will come for you....but only if You take your threat seriously and be willing to let him go. Well who knows what the girls/women he's screwing are doing as profession. And of course he doesn't pay for sex, he obviously doesn't need to. If he can't find a girl at the bar you're still at home waiting for him. (although chances are it'll be too late at that point, but it doesn't hurt to check visually 'cause I doubt he'll test himself for STDs). Wouldn't want to get cancer/AIDS and other health issues from a cheater. I just like to add that it is possible to cheat and be careful about STDs and other non-sense.....Only Children are careless when sleeping with strangers....
Author Prettylittlechick Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 Well who knows what the girls/women he's screwing are doing as profession. And of course he doesn't pay for sex, he obviously doesn't need to. If he can't find a girl at the bar you're still at home waiting for him. . Thank you for your honesty, I appericiate it. I just hope I can do the right thing here. When I asked him about the other women he told me; one was a client(a CEO of a cosmetic company) who was 5/6 years older than him, another was a Ph.d student he had met in a Seminar he attended in Oslo and the thrid(the most recet one) was a small time TV actress he met in Cafe. I haven't slept with him since he told me the truth and I did do the tests(I'm sure there is nothing wrong but I did it to be safe) I even told him that I may never want to sleep with him ever again and he responded, telling me that I can take as much time as I need without worrying that he will seek the company of another. in the end of the conversation he just smiled at me and told me that never is too long and he hopes that I forgive and accept him a little sooner than that.
beach Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Thank you for your honesty, I appericiate it. I just hope I can do the right thing here. When I asked him about the other women he told me; one was a client(a CEO of a cosmetic company) who was 5/6 years older than him, another was a Ph.d student he had met in a Seminar he attended in Oslo and the thrid(the most recet one) was a small time TV actress he met in Cafe. I haven't slept with him since he told me the truth and I did do the tests(I'm sure there is nothing wrong but I did it to be safe) I even told him that I may never want to sleep with him ever again and he responded, telling me that I can take as much time as I need without worrying that he will seek the company of another. in the end of the conversation he just smiled at me and told me that never is too long and he hopes that I forgive and accept him a little sooner than that. Accept him? I hope not - he sounds like a complete jerk. You should make him wait a lifetime - you would be happier on your own before considering being with a guy who's so blatantly disrespectful and egotistical. He's trained you to accept piss poor behavior as normal... It's not normal. 1
melell Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Cheating is crossing my boundaries, I'm the type of person myself that can never imagine cheating on someone, (I've only been with 2 people in 24 years) but like I said; when I look around me and see other guys I just find it hilarious to end this without trying. it is soothing to be sure that he hasn't formed any emotional bonds with those women because he's simply incapable of emotionally bonding with 99% of the people out there. I totally understand that there is a possibility of him cheating again and again; I'm not stupid, All I want to know is that is it possible to get over the dark sides of the person you love? Love is f***** up. It makes us blind. This guy knows he can cheat on you and get away with it. You won't find this so hilarious in future. 1
mrs rubble Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 I think I described the situation in a bad way, let me correct some of the mistakes most of you made: I have seen his emotional and selfless side, most of the times he goes out of his way to make me happy and does things that I've never seen anyone do for anyone, when he is with me I'm literally the priority of his life, he worships me in front of others and treats me like a queen, when we argue or fight he always listens patiently and tries to calm me he is a different person when he is around me he is confrontational with other people and puts them down as hard as he can when they get in his face(Not physically, he knows exactly what words to use to hurt people and he doesn't hold back when he wants to) I talked to his grandmother today who is a very educated and nice old lady; she told me that his grandfather was exactly the same when he was young but she wouldn't have chosen any other man to be her husband in a million years and said that the cheating was a small price to pay for the amount of support and care(emotional as well as financial) she had recieved; she told me that all other husbands were busy at work and too caught up with their own lives to care for their family but for his grandfather the family was the number one priority and he made sure that nothing was wrong with it, all his family(mother, uncles, aunts) talk about how great a man their father is and how he was always there for them, protecting them, keeping them from failing, teaching them to be better people, and everyone say that Dietrich(my bf) is exactly the same way as his grandfather, he is blunt and brutal but he doesn't make people feel like **** for no reason, when he tellls his mother or sister insensetive things it is usually his way of giving them advice(he gives good advice but in a very direct and insensetive way), other times that he makes people feel like crap it's usually because they said something stupid or tried to lecture him on something. I'm not hooked on his beauty or his wealth, I'm sure I can get richer and better looking men(he admitted it once long ago) I geniuenly believe that he is an amazing person(If I rule out the cheating), not to strangers obviously but to me, he is a responsible person and he is a wall that people can lean on, I don't think he'll be a bad father, he'll be a very strict one for sure. The talk I had with the grandmother made me realise something; 60 years ago it was very normal for a woman to expect her husband to cheat, now it's not the same, I feel entitled to ask my man to be faithful to me but a pathatic part inside of me just, doesn't get that! It's funny how he always jokes that he belonged to 1960's or something. The talk you had with the grandmother confirms that he comes from a family of serial cheaters where such behaviour is accepted as what the woman deserves. Who the heck calls that "normal"? Do your parents and grandparents screw around? Are they "normal"? Your man sounds like a class A jerk. It really doesn't matter what anyone here say's. I bet you'll stay with him until he breaks you or finds someone better/younger/wealthier. I just hope you aren't stupid enough to procreate with him. 6
Rainbowx Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Narcissists tend to know exactly what to say in relationships to make everything seem incredible and amazing to you, it's a small part of what they do to re-fuel their prime source of ego boost (you). Clearly you aren't the only one he's nice and sweet to, he goes behind your back and sleeps with other women so obviously he's putting similar if not the same moves on them too. My mother was cheated by her boyfriend of 10 years in the most horrific ways imaginable and it bothers me to no end that she forgave him, to the point where she actually did some research and discovered that there's a gene that makes people 25% more likely to commit adultery and that if they work on it together hopefully he may eventually stop cheating on her....lol? 1
bubbaganoosh Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 and even though he cares about his mother he would never listen to her as he considers her to be a "Sweet and beautiful woman but a Naive Moron as well". ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ You see where all the little arrows are pointing? Read it. Then when your done. Re read it again and then if necessary get it tattooed on a part of your body where you can see it and read it everyday. You see what he thinks about his own mother. He calls her a "Naive Moron" so you better understand this princess, he doesn't think that highly of you either. He boggles you mind with words that you want to here and your sucking it all in by the gallon. If he can be so completely disrespectful to his own mother to the point that she's nothing but $hit on his shoe and your still are enamored with this silver tongued wind bag then I wish you the best of luck because you will need it. One gets what one deserves 10
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ You see where all the little arrows are pointing? Read it. Then when your done. Re read it again and then if necessary get it tattooed on a part of your body where you can see it and read it everyday. You see what he thinks about his own mother. He calls her a "Naive Moron" so you better understand this princess, he doesn't think that highly of you either. He boggles you mind with words that you want to here and your sucking it all in by the gallon. If he can be so completely disrespectful to his own mother to the point that she's nothing but $hit on his shoe and your still are enamored with this silver tongued wind bag then I wish you the best of luck because you will need it. One gets what one deserves You should read this entire statement 50 times and then print it and hang in on your wall to read again every day when you wake up. How sad it is that you try to use another woman's poor self esteem as an example to follow in the same footsteps. I've read through all your responses in this thread and all I see is you repeatedly trying to justify staying with a man who has no respect for anyone but himself, including YOU. You've only been in two relationships your entire life, yet you are convinced that there is no man out there better than him?? HA! It doesn't matter what anyone here says, you are deluded and blind. You will stay with him and accept his sleeping around and continue to tell yourself that his emotional ties are to you and its just sex with all these other women, and so that makes it okay. Then one day, years from now, he will find someone new to "emotionally bond" to and toss you to the side like yesterday's news and you will look back and cry because of the years of your life you wasted with this man. Your best bet is to line up a good counselor or psychiatrist now, because I can guarantee you will need them to help you pull your life back together once the fantasy has crumbled down on you. Good luck, kid. 7
2sunny Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 He will keep cheating on you only if you keep staying. Good reason to leave and never look back! His view of females in general is terrible - and don't think your anything different to HIM...after all, he thought so little of you and your feelings that he didn't give cheating on you multiple times a second thought. He only informed you now - to prepare you for what to expect when you marry him. In the future he can say "I told you this is who I am and this is what I do - and you agreed to it when you married me. You can sell your soul to the devil - or you can break free of his terrible under current that's masked by his tainted "honesty".
artdet Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 I've been in a relationship with the most amazing man on the face of the planet; He's beautiful, successful, powerful, loving, doesn't smoke or drink or do drugs, generous and honset(well only to me) I know this man. Couple years down the road. You're married with him and taking care of your two young children. He's lost his limerence with you and now treats you badly like he's treating everyone else. You rejects him like hell and won't let him touch you. He's richer and more powerful and hasn't lose an ounce of his attraction to women. He's hopping from one bed to another whenever he gets his chance. You are broken and miserable but you can't divorce him because you rely on him financially and you don't want your kids to lose their father. But you know what, that is the price you pay for marrying a rich powerful handsome man who already told you before marriage that he will be sleeping around. I'm sorry for the harsh words, but your destiny tomorrow depends on your choices today. Good luck. 4
Trimmer Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Cheating is crossing my boundaries... From the fact that you are still considering marrying him, I don't think that is an accurate statement. Two points that I strongly agree with: You are living the "I can fix him!" girl's wet dream. You thrive on the notion that you have this epic romance, that deep down he is really this sweet, gentle, caring guy but it's you and ONLY you who can bring out that side of him. ...and the second: I feel like you are getting set up. He is telling you what he is.... Then later when you are emotionally ruined by them, they say, but you knew how I am before we got married, I told you what I was. With respect to giving an ultimatum: You should be direct....you need to make peace with the possibility of him not coming after you, if he's good at calling other people's bluffs he might call you on yours:) Don't bluff....let go unless he changes... Oh yeah, for sure don't bluff. This isn't a time for playing games, for taking gambles. Don't throw down an ultimatum unless you are 100% certain of where your boundaries are, and you are ready to walk away to enforce them. My concern for you is that you aren't so sure on your boundaries: you say that cheating crosses your boundaries, yet here we are still talking about this... I just like to add that it is possible to cheat and be careful about STDs and other non-sense.....Only Children are careless when sleeping with strangers.... Let's break down that assertion: you are saying that we should give the benefit of the doubt - generally assume someone would be sensible and make responsible choices. Except the "someone" we're imagining here is someone who has already made the childish, irresponsible choice to betray his partner multiple times. Yes, it's theoretically possible to cheat and be careful about STDs, but are you really ready to give the benefit of the doubt and suggest that "only a child" would be irresponsible about safe sex.... WHILE CHEATING? Bwahahahaha.... I believe most of us would say that he met the "careless child" profile when he decided to cheat in the first place, so your statement is not terribly reassuring. 1
Artie Lang Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 idk, but you seem just as shallow as he is. maybe in some suck sorta way, you two deserve each other. 6
melell Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 idk, but you seem just as shallow as he is. maybe in some suck sorta way, you two deserve each other. I didn't bother commenting again because I thought exactly this. 4
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