Boyfriend keeps cheating.......

[Prettylittlechick]

I've been in a relationship with the most amazing man on the face of the planet; He's beautiful, successful, powerful, loving, doesn't smoke or drink or do drugs, generous and honset(well only to me)

there is just one problem.....He keeps cheating on me....a week ago he sat me down and told me that he was going to propose to me but he had to tell me something first; he told me that during the three years we've been dating he has slept with three women(all one time things and not continueous) when I asked him why he told me this he said it was his duty as a man to be totally honest with the woman he loved and intended to marry, at first I didn't understand what had happened but then I was shattered to pieces, he is a really sweet person to me and that says a lot about how much he loves me since he treats everyone else like garbage(he's the type of guy who tells his boss to go f himself in a New year party in front of everyone), he has told me on occassions that he hates everyone except me and that I'm the only thing that keeps him together....we talked a lot about his cheating; before our relationship he had this reputation as the guy who slept with dozens of girls; he is a really attractive and rich person for his age(he's 26 and already has around 2 milion euros without parental help) so a lot of girls want him and unfortunately he can rarely say no to them, he told me that the girls he slept with were nothing compared to me and even the sex was not enjoyable and he just got off the fact that he could get girls no one else could get, as a med student I understand that some men cannot be with one women simply because their hormones do not allow them, he comes from a family of successful manly men who are all like billionaire James Bonds and they all share the same problem(the lack of ability to keep it in their pants around strangers).

I know he loves me and he has shown it to me time and time again that his love has no boundaries, You might think that I'm presuaded by his wealth but money was never an issue for me and the fact that he spends most the money he makes on me is not important at all to me(I enjoy it but I have enough money to do good without him)

 

ever since he told me the truth I'm thinking about leaving him but I love him so much and the idea of being with another man is simply disgusting; he is so much better than all the people I've met that I cannot bear to lose him to another girl, all the guys I meet my age are losers and nobodies, he is smarter, more mature, manlier etc than people who are 20-30 years older than him! When I told him that he cannot cheat on me again if he doesn't want me to leave him, he simply replied "I will do my best" and even agreed to go through hormone therapy to fix his issue but somehow I think this isn't going to work.

 

I want to ask; is there any way I could make my peace with this and accept him for what he is? the only issues I've found in this man is that he cheats and is a little anti-social(can't stand his family, my family, friends etc without commenting on things they do and making them feel like crap)

 

Would that be a huge sacrifice on my part? I simply don't want to be with anyone else and I know he will do whatever he can to be with me but I'm pretty sure preventing himself from fooling around is beyond his control.(based on the knowledge of have of his uncles and grandfather who are just like him)

 

 

I should also note that I have tried individual therapy for the past three days and a friend suggested support groups that I've joined; I'm still hazy and have no idea what the hell I'm doing.

Edited March 15, 2014 by Prettylittlechick

[anne1707]

When you say "accept him for what he is", what do you mean? Do you mean that you are going to accept the fact that he will cheat on you and treat people around him like cr*p? You post about how attractive this man is but he sounds a complete **** to me.

 

You are agonising over what he has done. Is he agonising at all? Is he getting counselling to change his life? Or is it only you who is making the effort for this relationship?

[Trimmer]

When I told him that he cannot cheat on me again if he doesn't want me to leave him, he simply replied "I will do my best" ...

Let's boil this conversation down:

You: If we are to marry, you must promise not to cheat on me.

Him: No, I cannot do that.

So, as Anne pointed out, I think you need to be clear about what it means to "accept him for what he is." You should probably figure that this means that he will continue to be what he is, and you already know he has demonstrated this while he's been with you. 3 times.

 

I suppose you can consider it a bit of an advantage that this situation is so clear cut. It's not like he almost cheated once, or that cheating seems way out of his typical personality, or that he's excessively flirty, or he keeps in close touch with his exes, or anything kinda borderline like that. It's all pretty clear: this is who he is, it's what he does, and he can't commit that it will change - even given the prospect of marrying you and spending his life with you.

 

Outside of yourself, you don't have anything nebulous or unclear to figure out; it's all laid out there before you. Your main focus is in deciding on whether you can accept being married to "what he is."

 

So effectively, will you complete that conversation this way?

You: If we are to marry, you must promise not to cheat on me.

Him: No, I cannot do that.

You: OK then, I'll marry you.

Edited March 15, 2014 by Trimmer

[melell]

It sounds to me like your boundaries don't rule out cheating. If you are happy to be with someone that seeks other women for intimacy, then go ahead, get married- be happy.

 

If you are not happy to be cheated on, then it is really stupid of you to proceed with this person. Just be aware that if you continue, and he cheats again, you asked for it.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

he is a really sweet person to me and that says a lot about how much he loves me since he treats everyone else like garbage(he's the type of guy who tells his boss to go f himself in a New year party in front of everyone), he has told me on occassions that he hates everyone except me

 

 

You said a lot, but to me, the only thing that matters is that segment I quoted above. You are living the "I can fix him!" girl's wet dream. Many women fantasize about making the bad boy, rude assh*e who proclaims he "hates everyone" and/or "doesn't like people"fall in love with her. You are delluded by this fantasy that you are so special and wonderful that this badboy/asshat loves you, depsie his hatred of everyone else! Because for a guy like that, who says things like that to be "sweet" to you, means your special right? No, more than that, it means you're extraordinary!

 

That is why you stay. A woman like this will put up with all manner of insults, abuse, and yes, even cheating so long as she still feels like she is the special snowflake that won the love of the self-proclaimed unloving (and unlovable) man. You think he's better than everyone else because he's like a drug to you. By being with him it's like you are mainlining constant validation and now...you're addicted.

 

Truth be told, it's a sickness. You thrive on the notion that you have this epic romance, that deep down he is really this sweet, gentle, caring guy but it's you and ONLY you who can bring out that side of him.

 

In reality, this man is a cheater and a liar. Think of it this way: he's an ass who doesn't really like anyone.........but he liked at least 3 women enough to cheat on you with them.

 

To really drive this point home, your boyfriend has been inside three (or maybe even more) otherwomen during the time he has been with you. All the while lying to your face until his own self-imposed DDay. He has flirted with, complimented and seduced other women. Maybe he's even taken them on romantic dates. He has looked into their eyes as he undressed them and finally, had sex with them. These other women gave him orgasms. They've tasted him and he them. They shared an intimacy that was supposed to be reserved for you. AND, he can't even promise not to do it again. He just said he'd "try his best" .

 

 

I'm sorry if it seems I'm being harsh with you but it's not out of malice. It's because I'VE BEEN THERE. I WAS YOU. But near the end, I wished to Christ someone would have sat my delusional ass down and told me I was in a fog and no, my misanthropic, I-just-wanna-watch-the-world-burn boyfriend saying he loved me did not excuse him of all his other utterly unforgivable behaviors. And trust me, my guy was "deep" in his hatred of everyone and everything. I'm not going to make this about me but not only that, but the whole thing had a "forbidden love" feel to it. I felt so damn special.

 

Ugh. No, drop this cheater NOW or relegate yourself to being a doormat forever.

[No Limit]

No, I'm afraid he's not the "most amazing man in the world" if he's a cheater.

Unless you two aren't having a monogamous relationship in general, in that case he might is.

 

I believe you two are in totally different relationships anyway. He's cheating over and over and you just remain on the leash.

 

What makes you stay with him?

[Prettylittlechick]

When you say "accept him for what he is", what do you mean? Do you mean that you are going to accept the fact that he will cheat on you and treat people around him like cr*p? You post about how attractive this man is but he sounds a complete **** to me.

 

You are agonising over what he has done. Is he agonising at all? Is he getting counselling to change his life? Or is it only you who is making the effort for this relationship?

 

 

the way he treats people has never bothered me much, I sometimes even enjoy it when he gives brats and idiots a hard time, except on occassions when he does it to his family, he is creully blunt and always tells people what they don't want to hear without any consideration for their feelings he also doesn't descriminate based on how close people are to him, I'm literally the only person he's alwasy nice to; I think that deep down he's trying to help them, he just doesn't know how.

when I asked him whether he felt sorry for what he did, he said that he feels pain for making me sad and he would've probably never told me if he had anticipated how much it's going to hurt me...

he has a soft side despite his weird extra tough exterior; he once opened up to me and told me what made him hate everyone and everything and I somehow related to his feelings, he told me that before he met me he had not made a real emotional bond with anyone and before me he had never considered love, a long term relationship, marriage or even having kids.

he is a really pessimestic person; his entire world view is so sad it's hard to explain without becoming depressed and according to everyone around him I have made him more human during these three years....his best friend(only friend) told me that he is so much more open to people than he was before I came along and if I leave him now all this good work towards making him a better person will go to waste.

 

 

 

It sounds to me like your boundaries don't rule out cheating. If you are happy to be with someone that seeks other women for intimacy, then go ahead, get married- be happy.

 

If you are not happy to be cheated on, then it is really stupid of you to proceed with this person. Just be aware that if you continue, and he cheats again, you asked for it.

 

Cheating is crossing my boundaries, I'm the type of person myself that can never imagine cheating on someone, (I've only been with 2 people in 24 years) but like I said; when I look around me and see other guys I just find it hilarious to end this without trying. it is soothing to be sure that he hasn't formed any emotional bonds with those women because he's simply incapable of emotionally bonding with 99% of the people out there.

I totally understand that there is a possibility of him cheating again and again; I'm not stupid, All I want to know is that is it possible to get over the dark sides of the person you love?

[anne1707]

You haven't answered my question. What is he doing to change or does he just plan to carry on as he has in the past?

[Prettylittlechick]

 

What makes you stay with him?

 

 

I have never cheated on him nor I intend to, If I could bring myself to even sleep with another man I could've easily left him but I can't, the fact that I'm with him is partly out of love but also partly out of the fact that everyone else are dwarved in my view in front of him in every single aspect of their character, I must sound crazy and irrational but when I put him on a scale and compare, he is simply so much better than the people I know that leaving him sounds stupid....

[Prettylittlechick]

You haven't answered my question. What is he doing to change or does he just plan to carry on as he has in the past?

 

 

He hasn't done any specific thing except buying me a necklace, he told me that he doesn't want to be like this and as I said in the first post he said that he's willing to go to hormone therapy, he also offered me to tag along to the office when he's working and I go when I can but I don't have that much free time on my hands.

[anne1707]

Buying you a necklace is just buying you

 

Hormone therapy is just rubbish talk. It is trying to say that what he has done is not his fault. Utter cr*p. He chooses to cheat. He chooses to abuse people.

 

If he is wonderful then he should accept responsibility for what he has done. The fact is he will carry on but he won't tell you about anymore. He already regrets telling you the truth - note that. It's not the cheating that he regrets.

[Oberfeldwebel]

There is nothing attractive about the individual that you describe. He is rude and has a sense of entitlement. He is quick to point out the flaws in others, but I imagine he does not like it if others treat him the same way he treats them. You feel special now, other than the cheating on you part. How do you think this will get better with time? This guy is too self-centered to be concerned with what others feel. He doesn't sound like the kind of man to settle down and have a family. I know that he is alluring, with good looks and money. He will provide things, but don't expect him to change or be different. Take off the rose colored glasses, cause what you see is what you get.

[No Limit]

I have never cheated on him nor I intend to, If I could bring myself to even sleep with another man I could've easily left him but I can't, the fact that I'm with him is partly out of love but also partly out of the fact that everyone else are dwarved in my view in front of him in every single aspect of their character, I must sound crazy and irrational but when I put him on a scale and compare, he is simply so much better than the people I know that leaving him sounds stupid....

 

Then it's only your fantasy you have to get over. 'Cause the only thing that makes you look over the "dark sides" of your partner which are so heavy that they go far beyond your own boundaries is to become blind and deaf.

[Toddbt12y1]

Wow, he is not an honest guy, lol. He wouldn't be cheating otherwise!!

 

He sounds like one of those guys, who, one day, will be knocked hard off his supposed pedestal. What a joke!

 

Seriously, you are acting like the ultimate doormat. No normal person is so willing to be cheated on...

 

You somewhat enjoy the misery he causes to others, huh? Maybe this is justice...In some twisted way.

 

Get help, please. Yes, see, I am very blunt too. Pathetic to act like this.

Edited March 15, 2014 by Toddbt12y1

[man_in_the_box]

Even without the cheating this guy sounds like a massive douchebag. Great catch you have there.

[aliveagain]

You need to ask yourself, are you willing to share him with other women? If your answer is no, don't marry him. If you think marring this cheater is the best you can do than only agree to do so with a post nuptial agreement in place. All his money will do is give you a comfortable lifestyle while being able to afford to hide his infidelities from you better. Guys with money protect their money, you'll never get your hands on it. Sounds like your in love with his image, he's already put you on notice, he is going to cheat on you and his response to you when you catch him will be, "You knew what I was like when you married me, what did you expect?"

 

If he's cheating on you before you marry him what can you expect from him when the newness of your relationship has worn off? Your best predictor of your future together is to look at your history. He's a serial cheater, he's slept with three women so far that you know of, I guess you too slept with them because anything they picked up in their travels they have now shared with your fiance and you. Your young, life's too short, why agree to a marriage that you know includes infidelity and heartache? There are millions of men your age that would give their life to make you feel loved and happy, money won't buy you the happiness your looking for. Get tested for STD's and expect to be doing that on a regular basis if you stay with him. You deserve better.

[veggirl]

So all he has to do to appease you is buy you things? I suppose that's why you mentioned his $ a few times in the opening post, would you put up with this if he was poor? Ugh this guy sounds horrific. I would insist on counseling and transparency, you have full access to everything of his. You are so flippant about his cheating, I don't get it. Any woman with self respect would be out the door. You think it's cute he is an ass.hole and you are understanding as to why he cheats, wow.

 

Let me guess though, if you cheated he'd boot your ass out the door so fast your head would spin! Certainly he wouldn't tolerate it.

 

Imagine if you have kids with this guy, I shudder to think of the example you'd be setting for them. To a girl, you'd be showing her this is how men are, they cheat and we stay quiet about it. To a boy, you'd be showing him this is how you treat a woman...cheat on her! wow!

[goumao]

Obviously you know your sweet sweet man better that any one here. But from the little you have posted......

 

I would be very very worried if i were you. This guy sounds like a narcissist and no matter what, you cannot change him.

 

1. he feels so entitled and self important that its ok for him to cheat!

2. He hates everyone else, no one else is as good as him!

3. he speaks his mind to everyone without any regard for others feeling! No empathy!

 

He tells you he cheated and then asks you to marry him! he wants to marry you because he needs to know that you can't live without him, he wants to own you. he's telling you he cheated and thats "just the way he is" to start torturing you, start breaking you down!

 

You are this guys target! His current narcissitic suppply!

 

Obviously, it's just my two cents, but, read up about how to spot narcissists yourself. If you think it sounds like him, get the hell out of there now.

 

FYI, i think my STBXW was a little bit narcissistic and look what happened to me!

Edited March 15, 2014 by goumao

[Realist3]

There are two take-aways I have from this situation. The first is that it seems like you feel this guy is the best you will ever get, hence your ability to accept his cheating. The second is that I don't think you know what being mature means. Being mature is not banging strangers because you think you are all that. It also doesn't mean telling your boss to go eff himself, or treating other people poorly because he thinks he is better than them. All of those things are epitome of immaturity. Narcissism at its finest. You man thinks the world revolves around him. Is that what you really want for the rest of your life? Your future family together? I know you are young and those things can be very alluring now, but as you yourself mature those traits will become very very stale and annoying. Heck, he even treats you like you are beneath him with his cheating and you still stay; because in your mind he has convinced you he is 'entitled' to cheat.

 

 

My advice to you would be not to marry this man until he actually grows up, because from what you have described he is still a little boy.

[bubbaganoosh]

You should change your thread name to Prettylittlenaivechick.

 

The guy sound obnoxious and let me give you a bit of advice from a 66 year old man (me) who has a lot of stripes running down his arm.

 

He can only get away with his behavior for so long and then he's going to run out of options, with you, his friend, and his boss. Sooner or later they will all get tired of his mouth, attitude and selfishness and if you don't open your eyes real soon and come to realize that he isn't what your making him out to be, your the one whose going to be stuck with him and no doubt supporting him.

 

You can only bad mouth for so long before your told to hit the bricks and his employer and the people that he treats like $hit sooner or later will tell him that and then it's you being stuck with him.

 

IMO, unload and find a guy with a decent personality who knows how to act like an adult. He'll take you down with him.

 

One other thing. Don't be surprised someday when he bad mouths the wrong person and gets knocked on his ass. It will be his own doing.

[Rainbowx]

Rose tinted glasses

[Chocolat]

as a med student I understand that some men cannot be with one women simply because their hormones do not allow them,

 

Huh?

 

Where the heck are you going to medical school that you've learned this bollocks?

 

As others have said, can you actually imagine spending your life with a self-professed anti-social, serial cheater?

[2sunny]

He not the most amazing man you thought he was.

 

The qualities you describe in him are not of someone I would admire.

 

He needs his occasional ego stroke - and is willing to hurt your feelings in order to obtain that ego stroke.

 

If you're ok with that - then stay. If you're not ok with that - then leave him for good.

 

He IS showing you who he is. Accept that he will cheat if you stay.

 

If you require fidelity - then end it.

 

 

His honesty? No - I don't buy it, IF he were honest, he would have asked your permission BEFORE he cheated.

[Grumpybutfun]

Arm candy becomes a thankless task as you fight to retain your position. You value flash and that is what you will have...a flash of feeling special before he finds a new piece of ass that is younger, flashier, better.....you are no more relevant than a flashy car or his Rolex. Seen this many times in my life and the naive gawker always gets crushed by the paragon of flash. He has been molded and branded by this life and his lineage to be a douche....if you are fine with this, then proceed, just make sure you have no children, do not age and never let your shiny luster diminish.

Good luck,

Grumps

[KathyM]

You are enamoured with the pretty package, the superficial stuff, which you value, but what's inside is a pretty crummy deal. A man who is self centered. Who only cares about himself. Who treats others like crap. Who feels entitled to cheat on you. He's a narcissist, and will continue to cheat, and will eventually start treating you like crap in other ways besides the cheating. I know the type. My ex brother-in-law was a narcissist, who thought he was superior to everybody else and treated others like crap. He only cared about himself. He had the impressive exterior too: the good looks, flashy car, success, money, prestige, etc. The outside package was pretty impressive. The inside was a nasty man who treated others like crap, felt entitled to cheat, and eventually treated my sister like crap in other ways as well. Verbally abusive. Even physically abusive at times. Emotionally abusive. Your boyfriend will eventually turn that nastiness he shows others towards you as well. It won't be the cheating alone that you will be facing.

 

 

And as far as testosterone causing him to cheat, that just an excuse he's using to justify his bad behavior. He cheats because he is a narcissist who feels entitled to cheat. He grew up in a culture where the men in his family cheated and that behavior was engrained into him from an early age. Don't waste your time with swine who wear pearls. They are still swine. He's not going to change.