Ponderinglove Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Hi guys I met this guy online, he didn't really have much written on his profile. He only had one picture as well and he looked lovely. I was drawn to him cause of the mystery of it all. We started talking and he was nice and asked if we could meet for drinks. We went for cocktails, he paid, we went to various nice pubs and he had me try new cocktails, the conversation was great, he was affectionate, at one point i spit on him 'i think' and i was comfortable to say 'did i just spit on you' and we both made a joke of it. We had met in town as we live opposite parts of the city and we both don't drive.He kissed me as i left and i loved it, i felt the chemistry. On second date we went for a meal at the restaurant we kissed, and he said well isn't this romantic this is where we had our first kiss. We went to another pub and only had one drink as it was weekday, he kissed me on our way out and on the street. I forgot to mention that on our first date we bumped into his friends and one of them gave me a hug and he was like keep your hands off, and i liked that cause to me it shows the little possessiveness which is good, well only when it's little of course. On third date he as he likes cooking he asked if i wanted to go to his, he would cook, he lives with his mum and little sister, but he warned me that his sister's friends from university would come stay over that evening. And asked me whether i was fine with it or to just go for a meal somewhere in town. I said it was fine. His mum was lovely and sister too, when his aunt rung i heard him say my gf is here, but he was in another room, his mum also said we have a lovely visitor around. We went to his room, watched film, started kissing, i had not been with a guy for two years, which he didn't know cause we hadn't spoke about past relationships. It all got heated as he was kissing me slowly and we started taking clothes off, before we knew it we had done 'it'. He asked if i was ok and we cuddled, next morning he made me breakfast, we went for a walk. Then around 11am i went home as he had a driving lesson at 12. He had always been a slow replier since from the website. But since sleeping with him i don't know why i want to hang out more, it's been a week since we last saw each other, and i feel like it's me making the effort of texting, ok this weekend he is back where he went to university so i won't see him, but why am i being clingy? Was i wrong for sleeping with him? On second date he asked if i was dating other people and said he isn't cause he is happy with me. This guy is white am black and first time with a white guy, could it be cultural differences confusing me? Cause i know had he been black he wouldn't have taken me to his mum's house, did i mistake him taking me over to his for love and wanting to be with me? Or could it just be something he always does as he has no choice since he lives with his mum? Why did he ask if am dating other people? Why is he pulling away? After we did it, we never spoke about it, shall i mention anything about it having happened? Cause that's not me, i wait months and months before having sex, i did beat myself up about it after cause i thought it would have been lovely to wait. By the way he is 25 i am 22, i am a relationship girl, i have only ever been in a relationship with one guy since i was 18 and broke up when i was 20 going 21, we didn't date, so i don't know the dating rules. I am the kind of girl who waits and says i will know when the right guy comes along. Please help guys. Your opinions and suggestions will be highly appreciated. Many thanks Confused girl
saltyfishhead666 Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 (edited) So far I see nothing but good. You took it fairly slowly and haven't had any issues You've met his friends - accidentally maybe but you've met them and he took you home and you've met his closest family. I wouldn't say you were used at all and the likelihood is he's busy and wondering what to do on his end now. We women aren't the only ones who think ooooh so what now. Take it easy and ask him out. Seems like the beginning of a good relationship to me xx Edited March 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Ponderinglove Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 Thank you, guess am just being paranoied about nothing. I was just thinking, maybe he brought me to his just cause he had no other place to take me, but then again he did give me an option to go to his or not. Guess i like him a lot that am desperate to make sure it works
Author Ponderinglove Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 So far I see nothing but good. You took it fairly slowly and haven't had any issues You've met his friends - accidentally maybe but you've met them and he took you home and you've met his closest family. I wouldn't say you were used at all and the likelihood is he's busy and wondering what to do on his end now. We women aren't the only ones who think ooooh so what now. Take it easy and ask him out. Seems like the beginning of a good relationship to me xx Thank you, guess am just being paranoied about nothing. I was just thinking, maybe he brought me to his just cause he had no other place to take me, but then again he did give me an option to go to his or not. Guess i like him a lot that am desperate to make sure it works. I asked him out last sunday which was a day after i spent the night at his and he said he was meeting with friends, then i asked him on wednesday if he was frew this weekend and that's when he said he is going to where he went to university, i told him i am off next week then he asked what days but didn't ask me if i wanted to meet up. He just said he is jealous that i have 4 days off, so hopefully he will ask me out cause i don't want to have to ask the third time and be let down again. You know i started having alll weird thoughts like, ohh maybe he just wanted to sleep with a black girl lol. But yeh, that's just me being all upset and overracting i guess lol
HappyLove Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 If you're the only one contacting him all of a sudden and he's pulling away then yes, this could be another case of: Don't sleep with guys you barely know that you met on the internet! No he didn't take you to his house for love, he took you hoping to get sex, as they ALL do! Never go to a guys house or have him at yours if you want to wait to have sex. These men online especially are pigs because they take advantage of many women. They make you think they like you, show tremendous attention, sleep with you then dump you, then off to the next girl. Wash...rinse...repeat. And it's not a race thing they do it to anyone foolish enough to let it happen. Just take it as a lesson learned to be more careful. I mean how long were you even dating? You said 3 dates but that could've been in one week... 2
Author Ponderinglove Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 If you're the only one contacting him all of a sudden and he's pulling away then yes, this could be another case of: Don't sleep with guys you barely know that you met on the internet! No he didn't take you to his house for love, he took you hoping to get sex, as they ALL do! Never go to a guys house or have him at yours if you want to wait to have sex. These men online especially are pigs because they take advantage of many women. They make you think they like you, show tremendous attention, sleep with you then dump you, then off to the next girl. Wash...rinse...repeat. And it's not a race thing they do it to anyone foolish enough to let it happen. Just take it as a lesson learned to be more careful. I mean how long were you even dating? You said 3 dates but that could've been in one week... Yeh guess you are right, i jumped the gun. I let my hormones control me and i didn't think straight. It's frustrating that after having been in a serious relationship with someone 'my ex', this is what happens next. I just want to love and be loved. I thought we had an amazing connection, ohh well never mind. Thanks for your opinion
HappyLove Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Yeh guess you are right, i jumped the gun. I let my hormones control me and i didn't think straight. It's frustrating that after having been in a serious relationship with someone 'my ex', this is what happens next. I just want to love and be loved. I thought we had an amazing connection, ohh well never mind. Thanks for your opinion That's what we all want. You just have to protect your heart while looking. It's not easy! Don't feel bad like I said just lesson learned. On to the next if this one flakes!
Author Ponderinglove Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 That's what we all want. You just have to protect your heart while looking. It's not easy! Don't feel bad like I said just lesson learned. On to the next if this one flakes! Men are so good at leading women on, he asked me on second date if i had told my sister about him, him asking me that made me feel like ohhh he likes me, but no. Maybe i should give up looking for love and just let love find me
mammasita Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Too much too soon. If you want more from a guy don't give up the goods so soon. 3 dates is waaaaaaaaaay too early regardless of what he says or what you overheard.
Chocolat Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 You had sex with him in the house where he lives with his mother and sister, who were home at the time? And then slept over? On the 3rd date? And no one blinked? 1
HappyLove Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 You had sex with him in the house where he lives with his mother and sister, who were home at the time? And then slept over? On the 3rd date? And no one blinked? Exactly, I'm thinking he does this all the time. It makes the woman feel like oh my goodness he must REALLY like me because I'm around his family. ALWAYS watch a mans actions not words. Words are empty! You have to give it enough time to see what he is really about. I too am amazed how men easily play women but I think we like giving the benefit if the doubt and overlook a lot of red flags. We fall for the BS they spoon feed us because how could someone be so cruel? How could they not mean what they say? Live and learn.
Author Ponderinglove Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 Exactly, I'm thinking he does this all the time. It makes the woman feel like oh my goodness he must REALLY like me because I'm around his family. ALWAYS watch a mans actions not words. Words are empty! You have to give it enough time to see what he is really about. I too am amazed how men easily play women but I think we like giving the benefit if the doubt and overlook a lot of red flags. We fall for the BS they spoon feed us because how could someone be so cruel? How could they not mean what they say? Live and learn. I have been really stupid, am glad i asked you guys for advice cause now am realising how foolish i have been, i am not too sure if am more angry at myself, him or his mum and sis, cause truth be told if my brother did that to women i would warn them that he is player bacause i am a woman and i know how it feels to be hurt by a guy, maybe they have never been used. Thing is i had conversation with these people, they asked me what i do, of which am an assistant accountant and he himself is training to be a chartered accountant.when he took my bag and coat his sis was like ohhh you haven't trained him how to hold a woman's bag, that for some reason made me feel like i belong to him. Her sister's bf was there too and she mentioned that he now knows how to hold her bag right. I shall take all the advice you give me, i have just deleted his number and am about to delete my account on dating site too. If he texts me at all i will try and use my brain this time. If he wants to go out for dinner i honestly don't know whether to say yes or no. Bur what i know is, what's between my legs is precious and i shouldn't have given it to him. We live and we learn. Thank you everyone once again
Author Ponderinglove Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 You had sex with him in the house where he lives with his mother and sister, who were home at the time? And then slept over? On the 3rd date? And no one blinked? His sister's friend's from university came late that night they had a little reunion, this was on a friday and they were coming coming over on sunday. His mum even said to me, there is more people coming tomorrow you can stay over if you like there will be food. I live at a village, he lives other side of town, i met him after work in town and he asked and told me that there were people coming over late that night and i foolishly chose to go to his. As i live at a village public transport doesn't run regularly. But yeh, am not making an excuse just shading light so you guys can advice me better
Chocolat Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 I am feeling quite old-fashioned at the moment as I believe it was disrespectful to both you and his mum for you to have sex in her house. Why is he 25 and living at home? You sound lovely but a little naive. I met this guy online, he didn't really have much written on his profile. He only had one picture as well and he looked lovely. I was drawn to him cause of the mystery of it all. I would be leery of dating someone who did not have anything written on his profile. This is not so much a mystery as a potential for hiding things he doesn't want others to know. It's best to get to know someone so you can make a conscious decision about whether to date/have sex/have a relationship/whatever.
babycakees Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 I am starting to get really disturbed by how many young women on this forum post this type of question on a daily basis. As young women (I'm 28, btw), we need to hold out and wait to see if a guy is worth it before we get in bed with them. When I read these posts on here, I am truly thankful that I never slept with a man who never called me again. I, on the other hand, was the girl who refused to sleep with the guy early on, then he decided not to call me again when I didn't sleep with him. I'd rather have that happen because then I know the type of man he is. 5
Conners Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 I am feeling quite old-fashioned at the moment as I believe it was disrespectful to both you and his mum for you to have sex in her house. Why is he 25 and living at home? You sound lovely but a little naive. I would be leery of dating someone who did not have anything written on his profile. This is not so much a mystery as a potential for hiding things he doesn't want others to know. It's best to get to know someone so you can make a conscious decision about whether to date/have sex/have a relationship/whatever. How is it disrespectful to have sex while your mum is in the house? If he lives at home, where else are they going to do it? Besides taking to her a park and giving it to her there. I live with my mum and younger sister and I do it in my house all the time. Pretty sure my sister does it with her bf here all the time and i'm pretty sure i've heard my mum do it with a guy she was dating. Geez.. a bit old fashioned.. maybe.
Tayken Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Exactly, I'm thinking he does this all the time. It makes the woman feel like oh my goodness he must REALLY like me because I'm around his family. ALWAYS watch a mans actions not words. Words are empty! You have to give it enough time to see what he is really about. I too am amazed how men easily play women but I think we like giving the benefit if the doubt and overlook a lot of red flags. We fall for the BS they spoon feed us because how could someone be so cruel? How could they not mean what they say? Live and learn. Ahahahahahahah....I think this SISTAH just got played IOf course the muppet does this all the time, 25 and still living at home with Mom and little sister For the girls and women...I think what you fall for is the "oh he is cute, so must be nice". OP did say the guy was lovely in the one pictures and I think that is what the focus was on I mean sleeping over at a guy's place that lives with his mom.....You can guess what he is going round telling his friends now, and how they perceive you...consider that breakfast payment
Michael91 Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 His mum was lovely and sister too, when his aunt rung i heard him say my gf is here, but he was in another room, his mum also said we have a lovely visitor around. We went to his room, watched film, started kissing, i had not been with a guy for two years, which he didn't know cause we hadn't spoke about past relationships. It all got heated as he was kissing me slowly and we started taking clothes off, before we knew it we had done 'it'. He asked if i was ok and we cuddled, next morning he made me breakfast, we went for a walk. Then around 11am i went home as he had a driving lesson at 12. He had always been a slow replier since from the website. But since sleeping with him i don't know why i want to hang out more, it's been a week since we last saw each other, and i feel like it's me making the effort of texting, ok this weekend he is back where he went to university so i won't see him, but why am i being clingy? Was i wrong for sleeping with him? could it be cultural differences confusing me? Cause i know had he been black he wouldn't have taken me to his mum's house By the way he is 25 i am 22, i am a relationship girl, i have only ever been in a relationship with one guy since i was 18 and broke up when i was 20 going 21, we didn't date, so i don't know the dating rules. Confused girl I can understand that you are confused because the situation of having sex at his mom's house seems unusual and almost unreal to me. I don't see that as a cultural difference because, I find it hard to imagine my sister, let alone my mother being okay with me bringing a girl home and having sex. I wouldn't dare unless we were married and even if engaged I suspect my mother would disapprove. I do agree with others that is was very unwise to have sex on the third date, especially for a girl of 22 if she is seeking a long-term relationship. I see several possibilities and the following are two possibilities: 1. He might have considered you as someone he might want to marry. However, if so, since you had sex at his mom's house after only three dates, it is not unlikely that in his mind you are too easy and he thinks you probably sleep with most everyone and therefore you are not acceptable because for marriage he wants a nice girl. 2. It is also possible that he was just looking for sex and the experience of sex with a black girl and, having obtained it, he is ready to move on to another new girl. And, yes men will lie to obtain sex. However, the fault lies with the women and not the men because women reward men that lie with sex and they punish men that are truthful by denying sex. For example if a man was truthful and said, You are good enough for sex when I'm needing it but you are not good enough or pretty enough to marry, you would punish him by getting all huffy and certainly you would deny him any sex. 1
Author Ponderinglove Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 1. He might have considered you as someone he might want to marry. However, if so, since you had sex at his mom's house after only three dates, it is not unlikely that in his mind you are too easy and he thinks you probably sleep with most everyone and therefore you are not acceptable because for marriage he wants a nice girl. 2. It is also possible that he was just looking for sex and the experience of sex with a black girl and, having obtained it, he is ready to move on to another new girl. And, yes men will lie to obtain sex. However, the fault lies with the women and not the men because women reward men that lie with sex and they punish men that are truthful by denying sex. For example if a man was truthful and said, You are good enough for sex when I'm needing it but you are not good enough or pretty enough to marry, you would punish him by getting all huffy and certainly you would deny him any sex. Thanks, your advice really does makes sense. Now my question to you is, what do i do now? Cause here is a thing, i have only ever had one boyfriend, we were together when i was 18 and broke up just before i turned 21, he is the only guy i ever had sex with, i have always been, well, if you like, the geeky type, always worried about school my future career and a very good girl, boys were last thing in my mind, i honestly thought me and my ex were gonna get married, but i always only young and of course he was my first love so yeh i would have thought that. Do i await for him to arrange another date then i explain this to him? That fair enough at that time it did seem like i was 'that girl' but in honesty am not. He could tell that i am a geek and he did jokingly say you are such a sexy geek, i took that a little offensive but didn't mind cause people do say it about me. Am ever so confused, i right now don't know if i too, used him to satisfy my sexual needs, but i do know i like him. And you just want another date to clear things out even if nothing happens after me opening up
ascendotum Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 OP reading this thread it seems you started off confused but now hate the guy because a couple of other women here say you had sex with him too soon and he played you. What exactly has changed since you slept with him? He hasn't texted a lot but then you said that was his style from the start + now he is at uni and can't see you at the moment. Has he said anything to indicate he has lost interest? Was the sex good & fun or awkward? (some girls will dump a guy who is a dud in bed so by the same measure guys can do the same for a 'starfish' girl) Have you asked him, about when or where you two will go for your next date. (ie take the initiative to see whats up rather than just assume you were used) 1
topaMAXX Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Sounds like OP went out with a guy just because he's good looking and then she got played. I don't see how this occurrence is even worth discussing. He's a good looking guy with lots of options. He's also likely a bum (if he still lives at home at 25) so he has the time to exploit his looks. If OP focuses less on looks next time, maybe this won't happen again.
Leigh 87 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Sounds like OP went out with a guy just because he's good looking and then she got played. I don't see how this occurrence is even worth discussing. He's a good looking guy with lots of options. He's also likely a bum (if he still lives at home at 25) so he has the time to exploit his looks. If OP focuses less on looks next time, maybe this won't happen again. I find your statement ignorant and offensive. Being 25 and living at home does NOT make you a bum. You obviously have little to know idea about various social issues. I live at home and I am 27. I have travelled the world and been to most continent. I own expensive clothes. I probably dress better than the vast majority of women you date yourself. A bum? For living at home? A lot of people have legitimate reasons for our education being stunted or attained at a later age (education is what you need in order to be independent). PLENTY of intelligent folks live at home now these days because, well, I dunno, THE CURRENT ECONOMY? You need to do quiet well financially to live out of home in most major cities. Most people who go to college do not have high income jobs; only the select few do. The only way a lot of college educated people can really move out is if they; live in a low cost area alone OR if they live in an area that is not strictly low cost and share with a room mate. This guy could be smart and have a lucrative future ahead of him. In fact, I dated a guy who was studying towards being a chartered accountant. At a much later age. 2
Author Ponderinglove Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 I find your statement ignorant and offensive. Being 25 and living at home does NOT make you a bum. You obviously have little to know idea about various social issues. I live at home and I am 27. I have travelled the world and been to most continent. I own expensive clothes. I probably dress better than the vast majority of women you date yourself. A bum? For living at home? A lot of people have legitimate reasons for our education being stunted or attained at a later age (education is what you need in order to be independent). PLENTY of intelligent folks live at home now these days because, well, I dunno, THE CURRENT ECONOMY? You need to do quiet well financially to live out of home in most major cities. Most people who go to college do not have high income jobs; only the select few do. The only way a lot of college educated people can really move out is if they; live in a low cost area alone OR if they live in an area that is not strictly low cost and share with a room mate. This guy could be smart and have a lucrative future ahead of him. In fact, I dated a guy who was studying towards being a chartered accountant. At a much later age. Exactly what i thought but just didn't want to give that ignorant person any of my attention so thanks for addressing them, he finished university when he was 22, he is paying himself to do the accounting professional exams, his mum is a gardner, his sis is 23 finished uni last year, so there you go, he is helping his mum out as well as doing acca, not that i owe anyone an explanation about why he is home and 25. That's not even relevent to my question, ok maybe his age is, in that maybe he is not mature enough to treat a girl right.
Leigh 87 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 The OP either got played or he lost interest. I will be honest with you, a lot of men are very fussy in the bedroom department. I won't go into graphic detail but lets just say, a lot of men have preferences as to what you are like sexually; not how good you are in bed, but rather what you are like physically. Scrap wondering why men are fussy when it comes to bedroom antics. The biggest lesson you need to learn from all this is that: a hell of a lot of men pretend to like you in order to get sex. In some cases the guy does actually like you somewhat, but just not enough to date more long term. I would be a wealthy woman if I had a penny for every time a woman has come onto this website and posted about their (and I quote) " amazing connection":rolleyes: ....Only to be dumped or disappeared on by men who the women felt they had "such an amazing connection" with:rolleyes: Just think. There are some nasty people out there; they do not care about your feelings and they only want to derive pleasure from having sex with you, without the frequent companionship, monogamy and lack of sexual variety that comes along with having a committed long term relationship. I actually think a lot of people are simply not very honest, caring or honourable people. I would go as far as to say that it is borderline sociopathic to literally trick a girl into thinking you like her JUST to get sex, when you are not sure if the girl is cool with being a sex thing used for fun only. I personally could not act like I liked a guy to get something from him, only to ignore him or do the "fade" on him once I got the sex or money or whatever it was that a girl could use a guy for:sick: People with a conscience will always ask the other person where they are "at", and check if both people are " on the same page". This is the decent and intelligent thing to do to avoids hurt from either end. While it is HIM that is an awful person (unless he genuinely did like her and simply changed his mind, in which case he is not necessarily horrible at all). Women still have SOME responsibility when it comes to safeguarding themselves. To HELP avoid the men who pretend to like you in order to get sex - do not have early sex and necessarily think it means that he will want to date you seriously. If you have not discussed where you stand with him then by all means have sex early on, but just don't assume that you are "special" to him. -treat them like a friend who you are still getting to know, when they prove they are worthy over a few months, then rewards them with sex once they make it known that they want you to be part of their life. -ONLY take a guy seriously when his ACTIONS dictate that they are genuinely into you for more than just sex. Good signs are: not rushing into sex or anything physical, not inviting you to their home on the first few dates, and when he does, he shouldn't worry if you don't hook up/have sex. When you leave his place without having sex he should not act any differently. He should text you consistently and make an effort to see you once a weekend. He shouldn't opt to have out with his friends MORE than he hangs out with you. He should want to introduce you to his friends and family within the first month or two. He should stop seeing other women after your first few dates; you should stick out and be a clear winner to him without him having to explore other options. MOST IMPORTANT RULE: DO NOT believe all their sweet words:sick: It is flattering and lovely when a guy seems to really like you, and we all love those " amazing connections" when they present themselves to us, we tend to cling onto these so called "connections" like they are some precious diamond you found on the street; before going and getting the diamond assessed you wrongly assume it is some amazingly precious thing. Connections are the same. YOU can often feel a connection that the guy simply CANNOT feel. Please just be WAY more careful next time. The same thing has happened to me before. I had to learn the hard way too, lets hope that this guy is one of the last men who can pull this crap on you. guys have told me how amazing I was, how different I was from other girls, how gorgeous I was and how attracted they were to me, more so than "other girls". ....Only to disappear on me once they got some sex. Always remember: actions. Some sweet words mean nothing. A man who is truly interested in you will back it up with actions and concrete plans such as dates and they will call when they say they will call.
Leigh 87 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Exactly what i thought but just didn't want to give that ignorant person any of my attention so thanks for addressing them, he finished university when he was 22, he is paying himself to do the accounting professional exams, his mum is a gardner, his sis is 23 finished uni last year, so there you go, he is helping his mum out as well as doing acca, not that i owe anyone an explanation about why he is home and 25. That's not even relevent to my question, ok maybe his age is, in that maybe he is not mature enough to treat a girl right. It is great that you are not judgmental and you are aware of the social and financial issues that come into play. Of course people are entitled to choose partners who are similar to themselves in terms of living away from home by their early to mid 20's. Young people who moved out at a relatively young age and are still living away from home will often times prefer partners that are similar to themselves in this regard. That is fine.
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