uniquename Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 So my background story...I am married with children and have been dating another married woman. My wife and I have accepted that our marriage has failed and we are planning to separate. She knows I have a GF who is a MW (who also knows I'm still married) and I know she has a BF (who knows she's still married to me). We are fine with it, and like I said, are making all of the necessary plans to physically separate, so that is that. Back to my MW though - I was not planning on falling in love and to be honest, never thought I had a chance, but I had always had a crush on her. We had been friends for a few years and had always flirted so it was like all of that tension and build up just made it even better. We finally crossed the line and it was the best thing ever (like I'm sure it is with most affairs - I call it an affair because her H does NOT know about me). I tried not to fall in love, but I did, and she did as well. We had even talked about future plans once we both were physically separated from our spouses. But unlike my wife, my MW's H is not ready to let go. She told him she was ready to end the marriage but he groveled and said he would do anything to fix it. Their marriage has been rocky long before I was in the picture (I didn't know this which is why I never thought I had a chance - I actually thought they were happy but I guess they put on a good front in public), so they have lots of issues that go way back. Anyway, so after that conversation with her H she told me she needed some space and time to figure things out and settle things with her H. We went about a week with NC and I finally cracked and texted her and we set up a time to talk on the phone. We talked and she said she was confused and needed more time, but she said she can't stand the thought of losing me and told me she still loves me. Previously, we were planning on meeting up the next weekend (we live in separate towns) but we agreed to see where things were before keeping those plans. She then texted me later saying it was good to hear my voice, and that the more she goes through this, the more she just wants to leave, but just didn't know how. She knows it will be a all-out divorce war with her H. I responded with my pledge to do whatever I could to support her of course. The next day I texted her that I look forward when we get past this. She didn't respond. NC went on for the rest of the week, until the end of the work day today. Today she texts me and says "I just wanted to say thank you and i hope you have a great weekend." I simply texted back, "you're welcome". She replied to that with just a smiley face. What I read from that was "thank you for giving me space but I don't want to see you this weekend." But overall not sure how to interpret that in terms of where her head is at regarding her H or if there is still hope for us. Before that exchange today, I was doing much better. Now I am just making my head spin constantly analyzing every word. The NC was getting easier each day before that. I made plans with friends and kept myself distracted as much as possible. I started feeling good about myself because I felt like the fact that I was surviving this was making me much stronger. After a couple of days I had even started drafting a break-up email (or my break up phone call script - to be honest, I wasn't sure which medium I was going to use). I had even started to think about all of the positives that would come out of moving on - finding someone closer geographically, someone that would not have all of that built up tension from the past and where I could take things much slower and just have fun without full bore falling in love (and all of the complications that go along with it). I was even planning on jumping back into the online dating world and started getting excited about how much fun and easier a new relationship could be. And then boom, that text came today. Argh! Now I just don't know what to think. I think I just need some time away from all of it - some time to be alone. My guess is that we will go NC again for some period of time now. I feel like I am back to square one in terms of recovery and moving on. I am tempted to text her back but I don't want to give her the impression that I am just sitting around waiting for her. I know that if I can just get through these next couple of days it will start getting easier again. One of my friends thinks I should send that breakup email right away and be done with it. I want to but honestly I am still too scared that it may really be the nail in the coffin on the relationship, and that is a hard pill to swallow. But at the same time, I think it would give me back some power being the one to end it instead of waiting on her to make up her mind. This sucks. Reading other's posts on this forum has been good therapy for me the past couple of days so I just wanted to post my own story. Would love to hear what people have to say, especially if you've been in a similar situation. There is no way anyone can get the full picture of all of the dynamics involved from just a single forum post so I'm not going to get offended or mad by anyone's response. You don't know me and I don't know you, but there is something therapeutic talking about this stuff with others, even if it is with a bunch of anonymous strangers online. Thanks for reading my ramblings if you made it this far.
jellybean89 Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 So you and your wife are divorcing? Living separate? Or still living together but both dating other people? And you have kids...do they know that mommy and daddy are dating other people? Your post, along with so many others, are hard to understand at times. You talk about how you love her and the OW loves you, yet she is going to try to make her marriage work? Why would she do that if she loves you? Why would you be "NC" with someone you love? Why is it over if she loves you? I don't understand that. I don't understand why there is all this "working on the marriage" if she claims to love you? How does someone do that...love another but choose to live with someone else? How does her H 'groveling' change the situation? She must still have feelings for him if she is choosing to stay in the marriage. And you are looking forward to online dating? How, if you love this OW? I don't think you are really in 'love' with the OW. I think she was a distraction and an ego boost for you. I think it is good that you aren't going to sit around and wait for her--she made her choice--her H. Why else would she blow you off (forgetting the weekend plans)? If she loves you like you believe, she would want to be with you and not with her H. Word of advice, before you start dating - actually separate from your wife. It's not fair to any girl you may meet/start to date....she shouldn't have to feel like she is the OW and you need time on your own to get your head on right before starting another relationship while you are still married.
Author uniquename Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 Yeah, my wife and are divorcing. Our kids do not know that we are dating other people, and we probably won't tell them until after we've been separated for a while. We think that is the best approach so that's the plan for now. I have actually doubted whether I was really "in love" as well, and wondered if it was just an ego boost like you said. I'm not sure - I need to get my head straight, and right now just leaning towards taking a break from dating at all until after the separation. You make a good point though - if she really loves me, why would she even consider leaving the door open for her H. Thanks for the reply!
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Keep the 'others' away from your kids for a LONG time. This is a whole life change for them so there's absolutely no need for them (whatever age they are) to know what you and your wife are doing outside of the marriage. Do they have any idea there's a separation/moving out/divorce that going to happen? As for your MW, she's not leaving. Her 'confusion' means, she's happy enough staying married and having you on the side. Some are in it for just an affair, and it seems like she is not (aka, no balls, no courage) going to walk away from her marriage and start over (with you), be on her own etc. Especially if she has kids as well. Focus on your kids, making the transition for them as easy and possible.
FoolishOW Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 I think the good news is that you had some pretty realistic thoughts fairly quickly about how much more comfortable it could be to date someone casually and get to know them on a more low key, enjoyable timeline vs the drama and rollercoaster of the MW you speak of. (Not to mention it's just a wiser plan, all the way around.) While you mention very strong feelings for the MW, I'd have to agree that you don't seem to have traveled too far down that rabbit hole of emotional dependence just yet. That's a good thing, for many reasons... not the least of which is that it would seem MW may very well choose to stay where she is. It may not be such a bad idea to send off that breakup letter, either, but then maybe you and your current wife might want to either get your separation/divorce moving along, or stop carrying on in the dating world like two high school freshman. Most parents would require more respectable behavior from their teenagers, and quite frankly, your kids deserve parents they can respect.
Nattie Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 I'll give you my honest advice from a MW seeing a MM. When I'm with MM I feel like I could be with him, but when I'm home I'm happy with my H and family. It's a possibility she will realize that she loves you and it's worth leaving her marriage, but based on her behavior I would say highly unlikely. You seem like a great guy, hopefully things fall into place for you and you can find real happiness
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