STM206 Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 (edited) Is NC always the best thing? Before I get told "yes!" Read on. Often times when we get dumped, we're left with the endless list of questions. The whys, what could I have done, was it me? Questions that often damage our self esteem and make us question our worth. However... A little investigating brought me the closure that I don't think I would've ever gotten from him. He broke up with me due to "different goals" (sound familiar anyone?) I spent 2 months with sleepless nights, racking my brain and feeling like everything came crumbling down because of something I should've been doing better. I held him up on a pedestal as a love that I would never find again. I knew in my gut something wasn't right, the way he left, how his answer to everyone we both knew was "I'm trying to figure things out" Well yesterday, I find out that he is living in completely new state, and here's the gotcha... He's back with his ex! At first my heart raced and I felt hurt, but the hurt didn't last long. I had to do a 2nd take... Why the hell wasn't I a sobbing mess right now? Then it hit me... The tables have turned. I felt a sense of relief in the fact that he basically lied about everything. I started thinking about the signs I saw but did really SEE beforehand... It all clicked. He was already checking out emotionally and pretty convinced cheating (when he went on a trip for New Years). I felt a weight lifted off of me and realized that it really wasn't my problem, he left so quick out of guilt for knowing he was doing something that didn't hold any moral value. He was being dishonest about his true intentions and had no problem leaving me to pick up all the pieces. So while I agree in some cases NC is essential, but had I not held out a little bit longer and kept investigating... Would I still be waking up everyday with a heavy heart and feeling like I wasn't enough? Probably so. Don't get me wrong, the hurt is still there, but on a much smaller scale... the relief I got just knowing the truth and being able to call him out on his ****... The most rewarding feeling I've felt in what had been a long few months. Edited March 15, 2014 by STM206
StGeorge22 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 So funny, reading your post and I'm in the exact same position! Contacted my ex, found out she is seeing someone she swore she was "just friends with" and I discovered she lied about many things. I'm currently hurt but I too feel a sense of relief that I deserve better than how she treated me, I know longer have to wonder
David87 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 How did you break nc? Did you call him, text him or you just investigated a little? I still think that NC is the best way to go. My ex dumped me out of the blue. I accepted and moved on, she never called me, till this day. She is happy now with a new boyfriend that she found after only a week after the BU.
StGeorge22 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Hey Dave I know you weren't addressing me but if you wanted to know my story, my ex were on and off for the last year til she decided she couldn't decide so moved states. I knew she had a guy there that she had been with when we first broke up, but she assured me he wasn't the reason why she was going. Anyway I had to go to her state for work, hadn't spoken for quite a while so I figured you know what I'm just going to call. Had a decent chat but it just came out that she was seeing this guy. As I say, it hurt, but I now know I don't have to hang onto any hope. It has put me back, but I have now accepted we aren't getting back together once and for all 1
RDawg Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 And yet another ex goes back to their ex. There is hope for all of us! 4
d0nnivain Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 NC is a tool. It's not the only one. My story is a little weird. I got dumped out of the blue from my perspective. The night he dumped me, I thought it was coming over to propose. Boy did I get that wrong. I did the begging thing for about a week. When I finally realized he was serious, I asked for & got one phone call. I explained that I couldn't go from talking to him & seeing him every day to nothing / radio silence. I needed something more gradual. So we cooked up this nutty "schedule" of how many times I week I could call & how long he had to talk to me. It was a diminishing schedule with each week being shorter & less contact. After about a month, we stopped talking. There were ground rules when we spoke: nothing personal, the chats were about the weather, news, sports, current events but nothing about us. It was all about hearing his voice & growing apart. It worked for us but I don't recommend it for everyone.
No Limit Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I believe in NC. I just don't understand why people crack their minds over how it must have been themselves etc. While it is admirable to see they're looking at their own mistakes as well it doesn't change the way things ended and if I ever had an ex who'd dump me for his ex, well, have fun with her I guess.
Author STM206 Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 I do agree it's essential, but also essential when it's the right time. It puts everything into a different perspective as to thinking a.) he left me because I wasn't enough and he wanted to discover himself (hence putting him on this pedestal) to knowing that b.) he simply left because he wasn't able to communicate and sadly started seeking out someone else behind my back (his ex). It kind of takes him down a few notches as far as to where my mind placed him pedestal wise. I agree though, moving forward means NC, but sometimes finding out answers is necessary to acceptance of what REALLY happened. All the signs point to him not being secure with being alone. He had his ex lined up before he cut ties with me... Then is already in a relationship with him 2 months after me. It just doesn't say "hey, let me figure out what I need" as opposed to "I need someone to be with at all times" Now personally I'm feeling that way, scared of not finding anyone, still trying to accept that he is gone, etc... But I'm trying my hardest to deal with everything.
doublea Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I wish I had your strength and point of view. I just found out yesterday that my GF of 6 years is back with her ex that she dated over 10 years ago...and found out they are cheating on me and his wife (or soon to be ex wife)...I dont think I have ever experienced this level of pain and hurt. I think you are amazing to have such a good attitude.....and I want to know why she did this! Why lie?Will she come back....I hate this and I truly do.....so hurt.
Mr.Pine Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 David87: She is happy now with a new boyfriend that she found after only a week after the BU. No, David. Incorrect. She did not "find" this guy after "only a week after" the break up. It doesn't work that way. She was seeing this guy loooooong before you two broke up. The quicker you accept that fact, the quicker you'll be able to move on.
Author STM206 Posted March 18, 2014 Author Posted March 18, 2014 Don't get me wrong, it still hurts... It's just nice to have some sort or closure that I think we all so desperately seek. In some sense it's calming to know these few things... "At least I remained faithful while you lied your way out the door..." "At least it really wasn't my issue (yes there are things I should've done different but we are human and can only try and learn from our mistakes) but the severity of the issue was basically lack of communication on his part and once again... Lies." I look at the ex situation like this. A.) they were never over their ex in the first place B.) they latched onto something of comfort and familiarity to try and avoid having to actually deal with a breakup/self discovery (like they claimed was the case in the first place). It's rebounding in a sense, but perhaps... PREbounding? I wouldn't be surprised if they last a year and then he pulls the plug on him. Part of me wonders of he had narcassistic traits but I could be looking too deep into it. With time, you'll expect less from them. Like when my phone buzzes, I don't jump thinking it's him... Hell he blocked me on facebook so I think he knows what's up, he knows he was found out and the best way to deal with it? Well avoid it of course!
L1ght Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 No contact? Generally yes its the best answer but it all depends how many questions are unanswered and how complex it all is. Some partners think they can just run away without facing up to the unanswered questions and many manage to find a way to do it but if a person has a genuine issue that they need resolving with an ex then I suggest breaking no contact and looking for the answers before its too late. One of two things will happen. Either your ex will face the truth and be honest with you which is all you really want so you can move on or they will continue to hide from the truth and if that's the case then its just validation that they are a worthless piece of dog excrement and it should speed up the recovery process pretty quickly....I mean how can you care for someone who just doesn't give a damn? Good luck to you. 1
doublea Posted March 18, 2014 Posted March 18, 2014 I just had my first counseling session and my counselor said dont make a decision never to do NC - he said take 10 days and assess and them move forward...something like that, I was too busy crying to hear everything.
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