If he never cared , why would he keep asking me what I wanted?

[Justwondering33]

If you read my other threads, you can catch up. Short version- on & off again 6 year A both of us married. Pretty convinced he just used me, even though we only had sex about 7 times in 6 years. He'd always would ask me what I want & I could never really answer him. We have been NC for almost 2 months & that's the last thing that bothers me. If he was using me , why care what I want?

[Quiet Storm]

I think someone can care about you, and also use you. Simultaneously. It may not be the kind of "care" that you prefer or deserve. But that's why we have boundaries and standards- to protect ourselves from people that aren't good for us. Just because they care, does not mean they are a positive force in your life.

 

Some people aren't even self aware enough to realize they're using people. People use others for attention, validation, escape, etc., and are not consciously aware of it. they have no insight into their own behavior, and the effect it has on others. They may genuinely like you and care about you. But they have issues. They are selfish. They do not make a good partners for anyone.

 

So he can care about you to the extent he is capable. You need to believe that his "care" is not a valuable asset to you. It is a liability.

[jellybean89]

I agree with Quiet Storm.

 

Plus, it is common courtesy to ask someone what they want; although I am confused as to what was the context of him asking what you want...what you want in bed? What you want in life? What you want with him?

[lynn1954]

Everything QuietStorm said, I agree 100% that's good advice and a helpful viewpoint for you.

 

 

Re-read what she said and think it over, then continue the NC and work on making a happy life for yourself, whether that means working on and improving your marriage, ending your marriage, or whatever.

 

 

Don't spend another minute wondering why your exAP did what he did or said what he said; as of now, it's all irrelevant and insignificant for you going forward.

[whichwayisup]

If you read my other threads, you can catch up. Short version- on & off again 6 year A both of us married. Pretty convinced he just used me, even though we only had sex about 7 times in 6 years. He'd always would ask me what I want & I could never really answer him. We have been NC for almost 2 months & that's the last thing that bothers me. If he was using me , why care what I want?

 

Ego feed. Of course it would make him feel good to know that you wanted a future with him (if your dreams became reality), that you love him and want him). Or he played you, wanted to mess you up. Who knows.

 

2 months of NC, keep on going. Please try your best to make peace and make your own closure, detach and focus on your reasons as to why you cheated and had an A.

[Hope Shimmers]

I think someone can care about you, and also use you. Simultaneously. It may not be the kind of "care" that you prefer or deserve. But that's why we have boundaries and standards- to protect ourselves from people that aren't good for us. Just because they care, does not mean they are a positive force in your life.

 

Some people aren't even self aware enough to realize they're using people. People use others for attention, validation, escape, etc., and are not consciously aware of it. they have no insight into their own behavior, and the effect it has on others. They may genuinely like you and care about you. But they have issues. They are selfish. They do not make a good partners for anyone.

 

So he can care about you to the extent he is capable. You need to believe that his "care" is not a valuable asset to you. It is a liability.

 

This s a great post and sums it up perfectly. Not only this situation but so many others on here

[Justwondering33]

I think someone can care about you, and also use you. Simultaneously. It may not be the kind of "care" that you prefer or deserve. But that's why we have boundaries and standards- to protect ourselves from people that aren't good for us. Just because they care, does not mean they are a positive force in your life.

 

Some people aren't even self aware enough to realize they're using people. People use others for attention, validation, escape, etc., and are not consciously aware of it. they have no insight into their own behavior, and the effect it has on others. They may genuinely like you and care about you. But they have issues. They are selfish. They do not make a good partners for anyone.

 

So he can care about you to the extent he is capable. You need to believe that his "care" is not a valuable asset to you. It is a liability.

 

 

 

You're right. I know either way he's not good for me & it doesn't matter. It's just after 6 years , things pop into my head here & there. Thanks for answering.

[Justwondering33]

I agree with Quiet Storm.

 

Plus, it is common courtesy to ask someone what they want; although I am confused as to what was the context of him asking what you want...what you want in bed? What you want in life? What you want with him?

 

He was asking what I wanted with/from him, always , over & over.

[anne1707]

He was asking what I wanted with/from him, always , over & over.

 

He was asking you questions where the answers would by default be validating him. He wanted you to say how much you need him, love him, desire him, how much you want to be with him. His questions were based on you feeding his ego rather than actually trying to understand and care for your needs.

 

Stick to that NC girl!