Chubbi Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 Hi, everyone. This is my new relationship from online dating. Things are going very well. Boyf has quite a past. His mom used to make him lie, depend on him to help his family, and then he started lying to everyone. He has since stopped and gotten away from his mom as he's gotten older. That was him in the past, but no longer. He's learned to hate liars. Of course, i told him that was shocking/surprising to me. I never really had someone just flat out lie to me, and even if they did, I bet I would never figure it out. I just kinda take people at face-value. He teases me about how much I trust and believe him. He will say something and I would be like "Really!" and then he'd laugh and say no. I have told you all before I'm not really the smartest thing in the world. I told him that too. He hasn't really told me the full story about "his past"; he's been mysterious about it. He wants me to tell him about mine. But, I don't have a past. I don't know what to say. I've never really been 'bad'. I've always been a good girl, so I don't know what he wants from me when he asks me about things in my past. What does that mean? He knows I'm a virgin. I told him I look at porn, that's one of my secrets and he thought that was hot but not a secret. He's my first relationship. What else do I say? He wants there to be give and take, but I don't know. what do you think about his past as a liar? I told him it's a bit dangerous for me because I have a tendency to believe people. How do I protect myself? Please be gentle, this is a real question, and thank you for the help.
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 Hi, everyone. This is my new relationship from online dating. Things are going very well. Boyf has quite a past. His mom used to make him lie, depend on him to help his family, and then he started lying to everyone. He has since stopped and gotten away from his mom as he's gotten older. That was him in the past, but no longer. He's learned to hate liars. Of course, i told him that was shocking/surprising to me. I never really had someone just flat out lie to me, and even if they did, I bet I would never figure it out. I just kinda take people at face-value. He teases me about how much I trust and believe him. He will say something and I would be like "Really!" and then he'd laugh and say no. I have told you all before I'm not really the smartest thing in the world. I told him that too. He hasn't really told me the full story about "his past"; he's been mysterious about it. He wants me to tell him about mine. But, I don't have a past. I don't know what to say. I've never really been 'bad'. I've always been a good girl, so I don't know what he wants from me when he asks me about things in my past. What does that mean? He knows I'm a virgin. I told him I look at porn, that's one of my secrets and he thought that was hot but not a secret. He's my first relationship. What else do I say? He wants there to be give and take, but I don't know. what do you think about his past as a liar? I told him it's a bit dangerous for me because I have a tendency to believe people. How do I protect myself? Please be gentle, this is a real question, and thank you for the help. What did he lie about? Specific examples?
kaylan Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 How old are you? Personally, Id say you need to tread lightly with someone whos already shown they can be dishonest.
Gaeta Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 ...so I don't know what he wants from me when he asks me about things in my past. What does that mean? He knows I'm a virgin. I told him I look at porn, that's one of my secrets and he thought that was hot but not a secret. He's my first relationship. What else do I say? He wants there to be give and take, but I don't know. How old are you and him? I think it's his way of justifying his past to himself *that everyone has a past* so his is not so bad after all. I don't think this is a person you should associate with. I think you should discover life and love with someone at the same level as you. In short: You need a good guy. You are naive, you have no walls up, and this man doesn't understand how precious your naivety and unbiased view of life and love is. And because he doesn't understand its value he won't protect it. So to answer your main question: If you told him you have nothing in your past and he's insisting, then it's because he thinks you are lying. Liars always think others are capable of lying and hiding things. Do you want to be with someone that thinks you're capable of lying? No you don't want to. 8
Assasda Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 You seem really naive and gullible OP. So just tell him the truth, tell him that youre real naive and gulible. hahaha its also not a real secret that you look at porn. Tell him about weird things that you might have liked as a little girl, like the first time you were kissed, stuff like that would be interesting, just be interesting
Stay Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 You can tell him anything about your past, weird stories, funny stories, or just plain stupid ones. However if this is your first relationship be careful, he sounds like he will hurt you and be prepared for it. The first relationships hurts no matter what though but this one seems a little rougher than normal.
Trimmer Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 How old are you and him? I think it's his way of justifying his past to himself *that everyone has a past* so his is not so bad after all. I don't think this is a person you should associate with. I think you should discover life and love with someone at the same level as you. In short: You need a good guy. You are naive, you have no walls up, and this man doesn't understand how precious your naivety and unbiased view of life and love is. And because he doesn't understand its value he won't protect it. So to answer your main question: If you told him you have nothing in your past and he's insisting, then it's because he thinks you are lying. Liars always think others are capable of lying and hiding things. Do you want to be with someone that thinks you're capable of lying? No you don't want to. I agree with all of this - someone who is practiced at being shady and deceptive assumes that's the way the world works, so he may not find it credible that you are honest and forthright. The other thing I don't like is the way he will fool you - tell you something that isn't true - so you will believe it and then he can reveal the truth and laugh at you. I know we may not be getting the full texture of that interaction here, but while it may seem like "just teasing", there is a fine line between that, and taking advantage of someone's innocence for amusement. There's a fine line between teasing and cruelty. I may be making too much of it, if it's not too big a deal to you, but that one is a red flag to me. The question "how to protect myself" is a totally appropriate one, because it sounds like you can't trust him to protect you, right? 2
Author Chubbi Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 What did he lie about? Specific examples? He won't ever get specific with me.... He tells me it will come in due time; he's trying to have the walls come down and he doesn't want to scare me off. I feel guilty when I put him on the spot. He's really strict about that. He tells me that he was a liar was the worst thing he's done, he thinks. I talked to my older sister about this and she says the past is the past. She said either way it will come out; there's no point nagging him for it. I thought she was right. I've never lived by that rule, but I thought I would try it. I know certain things about his past now, mostly his past relationships and sex. Other times he'd just drop little bombs on me about his past and I'm like woah, woah, what? How old are you? Personally, Id say you need to tread lightly with someone whos already shown they can be dishonest. I'm 24, he's 25, so not that much of an age difference, just a life experience difference. I'm a bit embarrassed by it. In the beginning I thought he was unexperienced as I am. I really thought we both were in the same place sexually. We both seemed nervous and unsure of ourselves. I was surprised to find out by the third date it is simply not true. He told me on some level he felt he avoided girls like me because he'd have to respect them. He also says he's never really dated before; he'd just wind up in relationships. He also tells me his friends want him to lay me, but he's been putting the breaks on it and just going with the flow. In some ways, the ball is in his court: I feel like I wouldn't be able to stop him if he really tried to seduce me for sex. I'm embarrassed to say I'm puddy in his hands. I agree with all of this - someone who is practiced at being shady and deceptive assumes that's the way the world works, so he may not find it credible that you are honest and forthright. The other thing I don't like is the way he will fool you - tell you something that isn't true - so you will believe it and then he can reveal the truth and laugh at you. I know we may not be getting the full texture of that interaction here, but while it may seem like "just teasing", there is a fine line between that, and taking advantage of someone's innocence for amusement. There's a fine line between teasing and cruelty. I may be making too much of it, if it's not too big a deal to you, but that one is a red flag to me. The question "how to protect myself" is a totally appropriate one, because it sounds like you can't trust him to protect you, right? Thank you Trimmer and Gaeta. My heart kinda dropped reading your posts. Yesterday, he asked me if this was my first relationship and I told him yes. He said it's clicked in his head now after certain things I say. He asks me what I was I doing (in regards to relationships). I told him I don't know; I just didn't. but his best friend is a virgin/girlfriendless too and he doesn't question him. I will tread lightly but he's kinda intoxicating to me. He makes me have feelings for him and I've not felt that way before. I think I'm too far gone to turn back. He's not even that attractive! Ughhhhhhhhughhhhhhhhh
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 I will tread lightly but he's kinda intoxicating to me. He makes me have feelings for him and I've not felt that way before. I think I'm too far gone to turn back. ^This + the red flags = future turmoil guaranteed! *grabs popcorn* 1
OhThatGirl Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 I'm with this guy^^^ This can't end well. He told me on some level he felt he avoided girls like me because he'd have to respect them. He also says he's never really dated before; he'd just wind up in relationships. He also tells me his friends want him to lay me, but he's been putting the breaks on it and just going with the flow. In some ways, the ball is in his court: I feel like I wouldn't be able to stop him if he really tried to seduce me for sex. I'm embarrassed to say I'm puddy in his hands. Whaaaat? He told you he avoids good girls because he would have to respect them? His friends are trying to get him to lay you? You already admit to being so out of control he would be able to seduce you? And maybe worst yet.. He said his mom "made him" lie? He "makes you" have feelings for him? Uh. Where's the ownership and accountability here? Let's make it more simple: he has a history of lying and you're not being cautious and seeing this sh*tstorm for what it is. The fact that you haven't had a relationship before is likely to blame for why you're willing to ignore the huge red flags here. Be careful. Sounds like he's the bad boy type and you're just inexperienced enough to go for it. 1
Author Chubbi Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 (edited) Guy asks me where I see this going. He ends up telling me he wants to be in a long-term, committed relationship. I agree. I'm excited. Later on in the conversation, I ask him the same question and he says in a relationship. I agree again. Great, I'm ecstatic, I think. The question is are we bf/gf? I'm still unsure... Can I call him my bf now? I asked my friends and they are split on the question. Guy brings up a rant about the "love" word out of nowhere. I definitely haven't said anything about being in love, but he goes on a roundabout rant about the love word for a good ten minutes; something about how his exes abused the words and how he doesn't want to feel imposed on. I thought this was all okay; I certainly wouldn't want to feel obligated to say it or have anyone else feel guilty for not saying it, but I wasn't sure how/why this came up. I gave him my condolences and we moved on. Fast forward: Dates/phone calls with him are unicorn and rainbows. It's so easy it's has to be fake. I'm happy. He's happy. Guy says wierd statement about thinking i'm lying to him about my name?, but I'm not. After a long date, he introduces me to his brother, his aunt and his friend, who already know about me. Then, my guy says, "I'm just going to call you my gf because my aunt thinks I sleep around." I get excited but that throws a wrench in the idea of are we really are bf and gf. At the end of the date (eight hours long), I feel the need to tell him that I want to be in a relationship with him. I want us to keep moving forward, even sexually, but I can't do it without some commitment. This is where it gets weird: Guy says: great idea I say: I won't ask more of you than you are willing to give. Don't give something you aren't willing to. Guy says: I want to be in a relationship with you. Of course I do. If so, then why did he wait so long to ask? It's been 3 months of talking, hours upon hours of dates and unicorns. I feel like I've been putting myself out there in this relationship much more than he has. The first dates I asked him out, (though he still paid). I asked him to be more physical with me, or else he wouldn't touch me. I'm now asking to be in a relationship! I don't say all of this, but it is implied. He tells me he understands how I could see it that way. Guy: I was just about to ask you the same thing. It was on the tip of my tongue. I don't believe him. Guy: I thought you were either going to say that or tell me you loved me. Me: I was either going to talk about the relationship or try to end things. He doesn't want to end things at all. I wasn't about to tell him I loved him. Why does he keep bringing that up?! Then he goes on ANOTHER spill about the "love" word. I don't know where that came from, unless he's doing it by analogy. No one said anything about being in love and he kinda told me not to tell him. I don't listen well to the love topic because I'm not sure how we got on it. I miss some of his sentences. He goes low and mumbles. I swear he says something about his feelings for me but I tune him out. Later on, because of something he said, I ask him point-blank if he told me he loved me. He fumbles and backtracks so I'm not sure what just happened there. Either way, I just wanted to let him know where I was coming from. Me: I'm just not sure if you're interested the same as i am, and don't feel guilty about it. It is as it is. Guy: What more can I do to show interest? Me: I can't judge you by your words, only by your actions. I have no idea why he got irritated. What is he irritated about? I don't know. I ask him to talk to me, because he just got tense. He says something about not being able to really express himself, being nervous and scared, having butterflies, never doing this before, being unsure of himself. He told me some thing he's never told anyone but I don't know because I don't know how we've gotten all around the world. I tell him if the relationship topic is nerve-wrecking, perhaps it's because he doesn't feel the same way. He tells me that is not it. I don't believe him. He is unequivocal about things when he wants to be. He can be very direct when he wants to be clear, so him doing all this mumbo jumbo makes me feel like I've been rejected. I get out of the car and walk the rest of the way home. Edited March 15, 2014 by Chubbi
OhThatGirl Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 (edited) Guy asks me where I see this going. He ends up telling me he wants to be in a long-term, committed relationship. I agree. I'm excited. Later on in the conversation, I ask him the same question and he says in a relationship. I agree again. Great, I'm ecstatic, I think. The question is are we bf/gf? I'm still unsure... Can I call him my bf now? I asked my friends and they are split on the question. Guy brings up a rant about the "love" word out of nowhere. I definitely haven't said anything about being in love, but he goes on a roundabout rant about the love word for a good ten minutes; something about how his exes abused the words and how he doesn't want to feel imposed on. I thought this was all okay; I certainly wouldn't want to feel obligated to say it or have anyone else feel guilty for not saying it, but I wasn't sure how/why this came up. I gave him my condolences and we moved on. Fast forward: Dates/phone calls with him are unicorn and rainbows. It's so easy it's has to be fake. I'm happy. He's happy. Guy says wierd statement about thinking i'm lying to him about my name?, but I'm not. After a long date, he introduces me to his brother, his aunt and his friend, who already know about me. Then, my guy says, "I'm just going to call you my gf because my aunt thinks I sleep around." I get excited but that throws a wrench in the idea of are we really are bf and gf. At the end of the date (eight hours long), I feel the need to tell him that I want to be in a relationship with him. I want us to keep moving forward, even sexually, but I can't do it without some commitment. This is where it gets weird: Guy says: great idea I say: I won't ask more of you than you are willing to give. Don't give something you aren't willing to. Guy says: I want to be in a relationship with you. Of course I do. If so, then why did he wait so long to ask? It's been 3 months of talking, hours upon hours of dates and unicorns. I feel like I've been putting myself out there in this relationship much more than he has. The first dates I asked him out, (though he still paid). I asked him to be more physical with me, or else he wouldn't touch me. I'm now asking to be in a relationship! I don't say all of this, but it is implied. He tells me he understands how I could see it that way. Guy: I was just about to ask you the same thing. It was on the tip of my tongue. I don't believe him. Guy: I thought you were either going to say that or tell me you loved me. Me: I was either going to talk about the relationship or try to end things. He doesn't want to end things at all. I wasn't about to tell him I loved him. Why does he keep bringing that up?! Then he goes on ANOTHER spill about the "love" word. I don't know where that came from, unless he's doing it by analogy. No one said anything about being in love and he kinda told me not to tell him. I don't listen well to the love topic because I'm not sure how we got on it. I miss some of his sentences. He goes low and mumbles. I swear he says something about his feelings for me but I tune him out. Later on, because of something he said, I ask him point-blank if he told me he loved me. He fumbles and backtracks so I'm not sure what just happened there. Either way, I just wanted to let him know where I was coming from. Me: I'm just not sure if you're interested the same as i am, and don't feel guilty about it. It is as it is. Guy: What more can I do to show interest? Me: I can't judge you by your words, only by your actions. I have no idea why he got irritated. What is he irritated about? I don't know. I ask him to talk to me, because he just got tense. He says something about not being able to really express himself, being nervous and scared, having butterflies, never doing this before, being unsure of himself. He told me some thing he's never told anyone but I don't know because I don't know how we've gotten all around the world. I tell him if the relationship topic is nerve-wrecking, perhaps it's because he doesn't feel the same way. He tells me that is not it. I don't believe him. He is unequivocal about things when he wants to be. He can be very direct when he wants to be clear, so him doing all this mumbo jumbo makes me feel like I've been rejected. I get out of the car and walk the rest of the way home. Huh? What? So he brings up the topic of where the situation is headed and says he wants a committed relationship... Sooooo... You later ask him multiple times if he wants a relationship, tell him you don't believe him, assume it's making him uncomfortable, and walk off? *Facepalm* Unless there is something you're not telling us, YOU are the problem in this situation. Guy says he wants a relationship and you essentially tell him you are going to end things if he can't say he wants a relationship. Does that make any sense to you? Is it because of that "I'm going to call you my girlfriend" comment? Because although that was weird and distasteful, WHAT DOES IT MATTER if he is your "boyfriend" or if you are his "girlfriend"? A committed relationship is what it is. Those titles are just BS. Likely he was just doing it to ease you into being called girlfriend anyway. As for his hang up with the word "love" it seems like he has a bit of baggage. Not sure what, but this is yet another red flag. This is a mess. You both need to just chill out. One more thing. He thinks you're lying about your name? Did you ask him WHY? This is bizarre. It almost feels like he has a persecuted victim stance and is suspicious of women. Maybe it's all his mom drama. Ugh. Again. What a mess. Edited March 15, 2014 by OhThatGirl 1
Michael91 Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 I'm 24, he's 25, so not that much of an age difference, just a life experience difference. I'm a bit embarrassed by it. In the beginning I thought he was unexperienced as I am. I really thought we both were in the same place sexually. We both seemed nervous and unsure of ourselves. I was surprised to find out by the third date it is simply not true. I feel like I wouldn't be able to stop him if he really tried to seduce me for sex. I'm embarrassed to say I'm puddy in his hands. I will tread lightly but he's kinda intoxicating to me. He makes me have feelings for him and I've not felt that way before. I think I'm too far gone to turn back. If the data/information from the Center for Disease Control is accurate a 24 year old virgin is rare (especially for females) because 95 percent of women age 25 that ever will have sex by age 45, have had sex. Regardless of the foregoing non-relevant data, based on what you have stated, I don't have a good feeling about you relationship and I hope that you can protect yourself from being mistreated and becoming bitter. If you do have sex and then get dumped, please use it as a learning experience and don't become resentful and bitter.
Author Chubbi Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 (edited) Sorry, everyone for longg posts. I will keep this short. He called on Saturday and we talked it out. He seems wiser now. He did not ramble; he was so clear. He couldn't wait anymore. He's been thinking about me. He told me he wants to be in a relationship as my boyfriend, and I was so happy. Let's take the bumps in the road and get over them together. Things feel right with him. Not to mention I can't help it anymore; I really want to have sex with him at least, even if nothing else. I've been overly forward about my sexual interest in him. He told me we are something special and I agreed. He tells me it's okay for me to overreact; just tell him how I feel. I was weak-kneed when we got off the phone. i don't know how this guy has weasled himself into my heart, he is not as attractive, he was late to our first date, he hid things about himself from me, but he's got it when no other guy has done it before. I kinda don't like him for that. I kinda like him a lot for that. I do think I am dating a bad boy, but maybe he has turned good for the better. The ball is in his court, now. I get Beyonce's song: "Take all of me. i just want to be the girl you like." her really sexy song and I'm like: yes.. I get it. Thank you everyone for your PESSIMISTIC advice, but you guys don't see the unicorns and rainbows that I do. Really. Good luck to all. Edited March 16, 2014 by Chubbi
ExpatInItaly Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Dear lawd. Too many problems for a new relationship. This doesn't bode well for the future.
Trimmer Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Thank you everyone for your PESSIMISTIC advice, but you guys don't see the unicorns and rainbows that I do. Really. Good luck to all. Interesting that the metaphor you repeat to describe your relationship invokes the rainbow, which isn't what it appears to be but rather just an elusive trick of the light, and the unicorn, which doesn't exist at all except in fantasies. I have to wonder if your own subconscious is trying to tell you something.
BC1980 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 Maybe next time just enjoy the date without playing word gymnastics with the poor guy and continually badgering him. The relationship won't last long if you keep that up.
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