RKMJ Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 To give a little background on this one, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years now, and we live together. In all fairness to him, I have to set the disclaimer that I'm 6 years older than him and we're from very different backgrounds. About six months into our relationship, I found out that he was sexting and video chatting with people in other countries, calling them his boyfriend and even saying that he loved them. When I called him out on it, he said that it was nothing. They were too far away to do anything with, and he never had any intention of doing anything, he just wanted a "safety net" if our relationship went south. There were a lot of tears and I let him know that I couldn't deal with that and just as he needed to know that he was the only one, I needed the same. He cut all ties with those people and everything seemed fine. A few months later, a friend of mine told me that he thought my boyfriend was on some hookup apps, chatting with other guys. Since he hadn't met my bf in person yet, he chatted with him to see how far it went. My bf sent pictures and talked in a very sexual way, but stopped and cut all ties with him as soon as he suggested meeting up. I created a profile to see if my friend was telling the truth, and sure enough, my boyfriend had profiles on multiple hookup apps. When I confronted him about this, he told me that he was doing it to feel "worthwhile" (At the time he was neither working nor going to school) He said he felt that he had nothing to offer but sex appeal and wanted to make sure that he still had it. Once again, there were tons of tears and every assurance that he would be better and that he wanted this relationship. This explanation was shaky to me, but I accepted it and we tried to move on. At this point, I didn't trust him very much, but I was trying to build trust. A few weeks later, he went to stay at a friend's house for a few days and when I went to see him there, there was another friend who seemed too touchy and he was awkward when it came to my boyfriend. He insisted on bringing up how well he knew my bf and how much fun they used to have. I had a weird feeling, and I brought it up with my bf, who was annoyed when I said that I didn't like his friend. I told him that I thought he was up to no good, but that there was nothing I could do but let him know how I felt. Needless to say, when I picked him up, the ride to his house was tense. The next week, he told me he was going to spend the night at his friend's house again, and despite my concern, I drove him there. I messaged his friend's mother (who was also a friend of mine) and I asked her to surprise him for me and show him something that I sent to her, (his phone doesn't have very good reception in the area where his friend lives). She told me that his friend was at work for the night and that he wasn't there. I instantly called him only to find out that he was at the other friend's house (the one I didn't trust). We had a huge fight, but like always, he said that he really did want to be with me and so we stayed together. About one month later, as we're working on building trust, we start living together. Things were much better for a while. He started at college, and although that has meant that he has been hanging out, (albeit infrequently), with an ex, and he claimed that he was working hard on gaining my trust and being a good boyfriend. Unfortunately, he's been caught in a few lies (minor and overlooked), but now I'm starting to worry. About a week ago he told me that one of his friends at school was throwing a party this Saturday. I asked him if he wanted us to go. He said yes. I asked it this way because he used to get annoyed when I asked him if he wanted to go to parties/events that he was invited to because he said that it then sounded like I didn't want to go and I wanted him to go alone. He has told me a million times "If I'm invited, of course you're invited. I wouldn't want to go somewhere where you're not invited." So I assumed when he answered yes that I was going with him. Nothing was said until yesterday when he asked me "What are we going to do about the party?" I said that I thought we were going and he said "No, I'm going. You're not. The hostess is only inviting people who she knows." It seemed a little fishy to me, and I asked him what changed and he said that it has always been that way, but I was still confused and a bit upset. It didn't seem right, and considering our history, I was a little worried. Nevertheless I told him to go, but I was still concerned. I guess he saw this and he said "I'm not going" Despite the fact that he said he was not going, he was very unhappy. He looked miserable and after a little while of me asking, he told me that he was upset that he can't go because I was not comfortable with it. It started a whole conversation about how he bends and doesn't do things because he thinks that I might not like them or be uncomfortable with them. I didn't argue with him, but I feel like that's just what happens in a relationship. I give up things for him every day. In fact, I do things that I don't want to do or am uncomfortable with all the time for him. I just never make it a point to say anything or act miserable. After the long and drawn out conversation that even discussed the future of our relationship, he is once again going to the party without me. The truth of the matter is, I am uncomfortable about him going to this party where there will be large amounts of alcohol, but not because I don't want him to go places without me, but because he doesn't have the best track record when it comes to being trustworthy, and I know that there will be at least one thirsty person there who already has a thing for him. I'm sorry this post has been so long, but I had to unburden myself, and I felt like I had to give a good background so that people could understand what's going on. Am I overreacting? Am I being unreasonable? Does any of this set off red flags in other people's heads? Or am I just so screwed up at this point that I see monsters where there aren't any?
clia Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 Your entire relationship is one big red flag. This guy has been cheating on you since day one. Yet you continued to date him, to believe his (lame) explanations, and even moved in with him. You don't move in with someone to "build trust." Trust should be your foundation. Unfortunately, due to his actions, there is none in your relationship and he is trying to flip that back on you. His behavior is highly suspicious and he lies to you -- but you already know that or you wouldn't be here. If you stay with this guy, you will never feel secure and are going to constantly be wondering what he is up to behind your back. To me, that sounds like a terrible way to live. So no, I do not think you are overreacting. I think he is full of it when he says he can't bring you to the party. He is going there to hook up. 1
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I only read the first paragraph, but that alone was enough so say "leave him in the dust!!" You'll only get hurt again and again.
saltyfishhead666 Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 To give a little background on this one, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years now, and we live together. In all fairness to him, I have to set the disclaimer that I'm 6 years older than him and we're from very different backgrounds. About six months into our relationship, I found out that he was sexting and video chatting with people in other countries, calling them his boyfriend and even saying that he loved them. When I called him out on it, he said that it was nothing. They were too far away to do anything with, and he never had any intention of doing anything, he just wanted a "safety net" if our relationship went south. There were a lot of tears and I let him know that I couldn't deal with that and just as he needed to know that he was the only one, I needed the same. He cut all ties with those people and everything seemed fine. A few months later, a friend of mine told me that he thought my boyfriend was on some hookup apps, chatting with other guys. Since he hadn't met my bf in person yet, he chatted with him to see how far it went. My bf sent pictures and talked in a very sexual way, but stopped and cut all ties with him as soon as he suggested meeting up. I created a profile to see if my friend was telling the truth, and sure enough, my boyfriend had profiles on multiple hookup apps. When I confronted him about this, he told me that he was doing it to feel "worthwhile" (At the time he was neither working nor going to school) He said he felt that he had nothing to offer but sex appeal and wanted to make sure that he still had it. Once again, there were tons of tears and every assurance that he would be better and that he wanted this relationship. This explanation was shaky to me, but I accepted it and we tried to move on. At this point, I didn't trust him very much, but I was trying to build trust. A few weeks later, he went to stay at a friend's house for a few days and when I went to see him there, there was another friend who seemed too touchy and he was awkward when it came to my boyfriend. He insisted on bringing up how well he knew my bf and how much fun they used to have. I had a weird feeling, and I brought it up with my bf, who was annoyed when I said that I didn't like his friend. I told him that I thought he was up to no good, but that there was nothing I could do but let him know how I felt. Needless to say, when I picked him up, the ride to his house was tense. The next week, he told me he was going to spend the night at his friend's house again, and despite my concern, I drove him there. I messaged his friend's mother (who was also a friend of mine) and I asked her to surprise him for me and show him something that I sent to her, (his phone doesn't have very good reception in the area where his friend lives). She told me that his friend was at work for the night and that he wasn't there. I instantly called him only to find out that he was at the other friend's house (the one I didn't trust). We had a huge fight, but like always, he said that he really did want to be with me and so we stayed together. About one month later, as we're working on building trust, we start living together. Things were much better for a while. He started at college, and although that has meant that he has been hanging out, (albeit infrequently), with an ex, and he claimed that he was working hard on gaining my trust and being a good boyfriend. Unfortunately, he's been caught in a few lies (minor and overlooked), but now I'm starting to worry. About a week ago he told me that one of his friends at school was throwing a party this Saturday. I asked him if he wanted us to go. He said yes. I asked it this way because he used to get annoyed when I asked him if he wanted to go to parties/events that he was invited to because he said that it then sounded like I didn't want to go and I wanted him to go alone. He has told me a million times "If I'm invited, of course you're invited. I wouldn't want to go somewhere where you're not invited." So I assumed when he answered yes that I was going with him. Nothing was said until yesterday when he asked me "What are we going to do about the party?" I said that I thought we were going and he said "No, I'm going. You're not. The hostess is only inviting people who she knows." It seemed a little fishy to me, and I asked him what changed and he said that it has always been that way, but I was still confused and a bit upset. It didn't seem right, and considering our history, I was a little worried. Nevertheless I told him to go, but I was still concerned. I guess he saw this and he said "I'm not going" Despite the fact that he said he was not going, he was very unhappy. He looked miserable and after a little while of me asking, he told me that he was upset that he can't go because I was not comfortable with it. It started a whole conversation about how he bends and doesn't do things because he thinks that I might not like them or be uncomfortable with them. I didn't argue with him, but I feel like that's just what happens in a relationship. I give up things for him every day. In fact, I do things that I don't want to do or am uncomfortable with all the time for him. I just never make it a point to say anything or act miserable. After the long and drawn out conversation that even discussed the future of our relationship, he is once again going to the party without me. The truth of the matter is, I am uncomfortable about him going to this party where there will be large amounts of alcohol, but not because I don't want him to go places without me, but because he doesn't have the best track record when it comes to being trustworthy, and I know that there will be at least one thirsty person there who already has a thing for him. I'm sorry this post has been so long, but I had to unburden myself, and I felt like I had to give a good background so that people could understand what's going on. Am I overreacting? Am I being unreasonable? Does any of this set off red flags in other people's heads? Or am I just so screwed up at this point that I see monsters where there aren't any? He lies to you, tries to hook up with other women emotionally maybe even physically and you are still there? Get rid of his sorry ass!!! You can't trust a word he says!!! You can't live a life like that and shouldn't have too. You may love him but he's making it clear he doesn't love you. Move on and find someone worth while.
Gaeta Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 Wow....just wow...why are you still in a relationship with this individual?
CarrieT Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 Or am I just so screwed up at this point that I see monsters where there aren't any? The truly scary part is that you are seeing monsters and not doing anything about them... What the others said: Why are you still in the relationship and why-oh-why would you move in with him "on blind trust?" 1
Grumpybutfun Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 There are so many red flags in your relationship that you could cover a football stadium with them. He lies, cheats, manipulates and then tries to gaslight you into thinking it is in your head. This isn't love, but codependency. There is someone out there who will appreciate and respect you. A healthy relationship for your future with someone else begins with you figuring out why you think this behavior is okay and why you think you don't deserve to be treated with respect and consideration. Move on, Grumps
Michael91 Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Just accept the fact that he is going to have sex with other women or at least he is going to try or else, if that is unacceptable to you, go your separate ways.
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