LadyOfHope Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 How do you break up with someone and still remain friends? I feel my bf and I are looking for different things in a relationship and would be better off with other people. He is a great catch for someone else, just not for me. I would like to remain friends and would like to let him know that door is always open if he so chooses later on. Is there a goto "breakup script" one could use for pointers in using in the conversation later tonight please? If not, any advice? Greatly appreciated fellow LS'ians!
Kopite Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 No. There isn't. Don't mention anything about being friends because it will just give him hope and hurt him. Just tell him and face the consequences.
stillafool Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 You can only be friends when both of you feel indifferent towards each other. As long as one of you is hurting from the breakup it is best to stay away. If you break up with him, please be a friend and leave him alone to find someone new. 3
Chi townD Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 OH! I like that last sentence Stillafool! I'm gonna have to steal it! Yeah, I agree. If there any romantic feelings between either of you, then it's best just to stay away. YOU might not have romantic feelings towards him, but he might have some towards you.
pickflicker Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 That's cute that you want to be friends. Unfortunately, he won't feel the same way. Break it off, and then go NC. Leave him to grieve. Do not under any circumstances, tell him the "door is open", he'll just think he has another chance with you. 2
Never Again Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I feel my bf and I are looking for different things in a relationship and would be better off with other people. Romantic feelings come and go in a relationship (they shouldn't "go" for long though!), but incompatibilities are pretty much a "game over, man". However, you say you "feel" that you're looking for different things. I only highlight this because I suspect it means one of two things: - You're not attracted to him anymore and don't want to work on it - You "think" you want different things, but don't "know" Now, you do NOT need a reason to break up with someone...but it pays to be honest, at least with yourself, before you leave. If you're done, you're done, and that's cool...but leaving over "assumed incompatibilities" is a little weak and sounds like you're rationalizing why you're leaving him. If you only "feel" like you want different things, then it sounds like both of you have done a pretty poor job of communicating what is it you DO want. Playing guessing games with each other's wants and feelings is relationships sabotage of an astronomical degree. There's a reason this is wildly important: If you dump him over "feeling like you want different things from a relationship" and tell him that, he's going to have questions. He's going to want to make things work and may try to show you that you want the same things, or may even try to compromise. The mental gymnastics many dumpees are prone to doing, especially if the "reasons" for the breakup seem fixable, boarders on ridiculous. You WILL send this man into tailspins if you tell him you "FEEL like you want different things". My advice is as follows: You sound like you're pretty certain you're done, that he's just not the right fit for you. If that's the case, then tell him it's just not working out. No long-winded and rehearsed explanations, no asking him to be friends, no anything. Just tell him that it's over and then drop off the face of the planet. If, in a few months (we're talking 6 at least) you'd still like to be friends, you can ask him UPFRONT if he'd be ready and interested. However, on the off chance that you're making assumptions about what you both want and feel that he MIGHT be able to provide that IF you let him know exactly what you want and what you're looking for...I'd suggest sitting him down and talking to him first. Tell him that you're unhappy and what you need, and you can decide together if it's worth working on. You may be surprised at what comes from a little overt communication. He may also agree that you're just not a good fit and the break might be mutual and amicable. Some things simply can't be talked out, but I usually feel that people owe it to themselves (not their partner) to have at least one big honest heart-to-heart before finalizing the decision to break up...provided you haven't already "checked out". Anyways, long story short, if you do break up...no false hope, no staying in touch, and no being "friends".
BC1980 Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I find it patronizing to offer friendship. It's like saying you aren't good enough for a relationship, but I could still use you hanging around as a friend. I know you don't see it that way, but it comes off like that. 2
CarrieT Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I am good friends with 90% of my Ex's (and all but one has met my new husband). Those friendships could not occur immediately after the break-up but only occurred after considerable time had passed and we both stopped hurting. There was/is a reason we wanted each other in our lives and - for a while - it was for romance. Once that subsided, we could re-awaken those things in each other that we appreciated and only then were friendships available. Never immediately after a break-up... 2
Ordinaryday Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 I find it patronizing to offer friendship. It's like saying you aren't good enough for a relationship, but I could still use you hanging around as a friend. I know you don't see it that way, but it comes off like that. Yeah, that is how it comes across to me. and even though the women who said it to me did not mean it (after saying it to me I never heard from any of them again, none of them EVER attempted to maintain a 'friendship' with me) whenever I hear this line I get annoyed. if a woman ever gives this line to me again, my response would be "if you dont want me as a boyfriend what on earth makes you think I would want you as a friend?"
organizedchaos Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Yeah, that is how it comes across to me. and even though the women who said it to me did not mean it (after saying it to me I never heard from any of them again, none of them EVER attempted to maintain a 'friendship' with me) whenever I hear this line I get annoyed. if a woman ever gives this line to me again, my response would be "if you dont want me as a boyfriend what on earth makes you think I would want you as a friend?" my favorite response is, "I didn't fall in love with you to end up as friends" 1
Ordinaryday Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 my favorite response is, "I didn't fall in love with you to end up as friends" oh that's great! what MOST annoys me about the "let's just be friends" line is that pretty much NO ONE who says it actually means it. most who say it have no desire to maintain in contact with you, let alone continue to give up their time to see you "as a friend". It is just (what they think) a polite ways of saying "have a nice life" or "it was nice knowing you". I would rather they just said that to me. and FINAL POINT: someone on this board once said something like "the person who wants to 'be friends' is always the person less invested in the relationship. being 'friends' is easy for them because they dont see you in a romantic way" - that says it all, really. 3
Leigh 87 Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 I am good friends with 90% of my Ex's (and all but one has met my new husband). Those friendships could not occur immediately after the break-up but only occurred after considerable time had passed and we both stopped hurting. There was/is a reason we wanted each other in our lives and - for a while - it was for romance. Once that subsided, we could re-awaken those things in each other that we appreciated and only then were friendships available. Never immediately after a break-up... Agreed. My ex and I made each other laugh like no one else could. I would really enjoy being good friends with him. We both decided that later on is the only way to go. In the meanwhile we don't neven communicate though. Sometimes you just have to leave things for a couple of years or more.
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