Spira Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 Well. I have been through a lot with my boyfriend in the past 2 1/2 years or so, and put up with a lot. And now I am done. He went behind my back and specifically did something that he told me he would not do. And he knew how much it meant to me. He is dumb, but not dumb enough to think that I wouldn't be hurt and angry if I found out. But dumb enough to do this regardless of what I felt about it. I am not playing games with him anymore. I stuck through the worst of his depression, stress, his mother's illness, and everything in between. I stayed even though he hurt me and did things any other normal person would have walked away from. I stuck with him even though he turned away from me when I hit the bottom and needed help. And I did it because I was naieve and believed that we could work things out. And now I realize that I am the only one trying. Now I realize that I all this time I have been blaming myself for how I feel about his actions, rather than blaming him for his actions. And I have become someone I hate because of him. So I want to be strong now. I am finally ready to leave. But I am scared of starting a new life, finding a new apartment, living and being alone. But I have to do what's best for myself even if it's tough. He believes that everything is going OK in our relationship right now and that I am for the most part happy. I think telling him that I am leaving will be a real shock to him. What should I say? Should I wait until I find a new apartment to break up with him? I hope you guys can give me some words of encouragement so that I can have the strength to do this. This is not going to be easy.
savethedrama4allama Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 My 2 cents- Print your post, or a list of reasons you're leaving, and keep it close to you. When you lose motivation, read the list. Its something you don't want to do, but you know you have to. Its not going to be pleasant but you must stay motivated. Best of luck, spira.
Author Spira Posted January 26, 2005 Author Posted January 26, 2005 Thanks. That's not a bad idea. However, it reminds me of that episode of Seinfeld where Ross wrote a list of good & bad things about Rachel and she found it. LOL!
lexnmike4enomore Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 Originally posted by Spira Thanks. That's not a bad idea. However, it reminds me of that episode of Seinfeld where Ross wrote a list of good & bad things about Rachel and she found it. LOL! That would be Friends........ But if he finds it than that would make it easier on you b/c your trying to leave him. You need to be strong and if you think that your relationship is bad right now.......wait until you guys split....you will realize how happy you can actually be and love yourself for doing that. Live alone......get lost in a big city....wind up on a boat to Canada.......go food shopping.....These are just part of growing up. (maybe not Canada) I had to grow up quick once we split and now I love cooking on MY stove and watching MY TV..... I see now how GREAT my life is w/ out my ex......i am the happiest person alive b/c i know that this is not it....this can't be the person I'm spending my life with.....especially if your unhappy even 20% of the time. Trust me...i was married....I'm a 20 year old divorcee.......and I still have a smile on my face......Be strong and if yo think that leaving him will make your life better than please do it, for yourself.
Author Spira Posted January 26, 2005 Author Posted January 26, 2005 Oops, sorry - I meant Friends. I don't know why I said Seinfeld! Thanks for your support. I am ready to get out there and do all the things that I have always wanted to do, but never could because my relationship held me back. I am ready to be happy again.
lexnmike4enomore Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 Originally posted by Spira Oops, sorry - I meant Friends. I don't know why I said Seinfeld! Thanks for your support. I am ready to get out there and do all the things that I have always wanted to do, but never could because my relationship held me back. I am ready to be happy again. DAMN STRAIGHT!!!!!! And thats the exact attitude you should have!
Author Spira Posted January 26, 2005 Author Posted January 26, 2005 Thanks. But an important question is still unanswered - Should I wait until I find a new apartment to break up with him?
tattoomytoe Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 is there anywhere else you can go in the interum? instead of waiting until......(fill in the blank)... if you put it off for one thing, even if it is major like housing- it will be easier to put it off again and again......
Author Spira Posted January 27, 2005 Author Posted January 27, 2005 Yes, I suppose I do have another temporary place to go. It will be cramped and not at all pretty, but I may be able to do it. At this point I am not sure that I want to tell him what I found or not. I don't want to argue with him about it, and I don't want him to be able to make excuses, apoligize, and try to get me to stay. It doesn't even matter, anyway...
CurlyIam Posted January 27, 2005 Posted January 27, 2005 This is exactly why you should leave a.s.a.p. Do it now, when you're motivated and up to do it. Move out. It's even better that you have a not so lovely temporary place. It will motivate you to find something else quicklier. Believe me, you do not want to delay this type of decisions. It takes lots of courage to decide and even more courage to go through with it. Breakups are tough, I hate them!
Author Spira Posted January 27, 2005 Author Posted January 27, 2005 Thanks everyone. I made that list earlier today, and called my best friend up to hear some words of encouragement. (In fact, she is on her way over to have a few drinks with me!) Right now I am doing OK. I know the sadness will come when the reality of the situation hits and I talk to him. However, I have a therapy session tomorrow and maybe I can decide how I'm going to get through this and what I'm going to do.
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 27, 2005 Posted January 27, 2005 would you not consider talking to him first about this or was 2.5 years long enough? communication problems were always a big factor in my relationships where both parties were afraid to tell each other things
Author Spira Posted January 27, 2005 Author Posted January 27, 2005 Brain, we have had this same issue before & discussed it. I forgave him, we (supossedly) worked things out, and even though I still had a little bit of trouble with it, I thought that he had left it alone. Now he has done it again despite what I feel, and despite our discussion over it. Yes, we have a communication problem, which is another reason why I want to leave. But there was no lack of communication regarding this issue. He simply did something that was a deal-breaker for me. I may be willing to discuss it with him before I leave, but by no means will I try again to repair our relationship again. I am the only one giving any effort here while he goes and does whatever the f*ck he pleases. Do you think that it's worth discussing again? I would like him to know why I'm leaving because that's probably only fair, but I don't see the point in going over an issue for the second, third, fourth time. It will turn into unecessary argument, when the end result will be the same whether we talk about it or not - I'm leaving.
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 27, 2005 Posted January 27, 2005 Do you think that it's worth discussing again? i really don't know without knowing more specifically what the problem is but clearly he doesn't think it is as important as you do my ex didn't want to try to continue with me over what i thought were pretty trivial issues, she claimed i mistreated her which i really didn't and never gave me a second chance despite me talking with her and trying to make it up to her are you sure you can't communicate your problem to him and give him a second chance? like the doors song goes something along the lines of... he'll love you when you're walking out the door but thats what you're probably trying to drum into him!
Author Spira Posted January 27, 2005 Author Posted January 27, 2005 I believe that he fails to see the importance of this issue (and others) as well. I'd rather not go into specifics right now, but it has to deal with this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=52638 I believe I have given him more than enough chances in 2.5 years. However, I *am* willing to communicate my problem with him so that he won't feel like I left him for trivial reasons. A second chance is simply not possible right now.
Author Spira Posted January 27, 2005 Author Posted January 27, 2005 OK everyone. I am preparing myself to talk to him today and let him know that I am leaving. I have also decided that I am willing to leave the door open for another chance, however not without resolving the issues and dealing with the problems in our own lives. Not without a commitment to make things better and not without damn hard work. But I *am* leaving. The choice is up to him whether he wants to take the time to fix things with me - I will be willing if he decides to, but I will not wait around forever. This is going to be very, very hard. He will not take this well. I am scared.
lexnmike4enomore Posted January 27, 2005 Posted January 27, 2005 Good luck sweetheart!!!!! Let us know what happened!
Recommended Posts