Back in the dating world

[TAV]

Not giving you grief, don't worry. Many of us have returned to someone knowing it would be better not to.

 

Did you tell her you felt deflated and why? That you just wanted to share your pride with her and for her to be happy for you and your son and instead she started preaching? Maybe the reason why you felt so proud triggered her to react that way and maybe she thought that it was her advice you were looking for instead of simply her support. Almost like a reverse venus/mars thing.

 

If she does not understand why you changed during the conversation it might make her insecure in further interactions.

 

As far as not having any rolemodels; I can relate to that. I got glimpses of normal functioning families at my friends' houses when I grew up but I pretty much have the same history as you. The first few times I felt upset with something my bf had done I expected him to yell at me, get defense, storm out, slam doors and then return later to never talk about it again or to expect me to say sorry. Because that is what I was used to. But he responded calmly and we talked and worked it out and the issue was done and over with in no time.

 

It takes time to trust a new person. Time and patience, on both sides. My bf knows my history, every single detail. I trusted him enough to tell him and so did he. I think your counseler will help you work towards that. And if she has issues they will definitely show in therapy.

[aviator423]

Well, this week has been miserable. We kept trying to fix things, but it honestly felt like we were both speaking a different language. It was as if we were both desperately trying to make the other one understand us, but the more we talked the murkier the issues became.

 

On Saturday, she texted me and said, "Do you think we should chat on the phone about all this?" I replied, "If you're up for it." She shot back, "Well apparently not. I just thought we should."

 

Hmmm.....

 

So last night I finally called her. I told her that I honestly just wanted her to feel heard and respected and that I wanted her to vent and express everything she felt denied in expressing. She said, "No, I'm done. My feelings aren't important. I can accept that. Your drama right now is a bigger deal than my feelings, so I just need to accept that." I kept trying to gently draw her out, but she said we needed to end the call and go to bed.

 

I tossed and turned again all night. Half the time in this relationship, I never knew what the right move was. I literally felt at times as if the rules were constantly changing: She encouraged me to "be there" for a platonic female friend who was having some serious challenges, then she almost broke up with me one day for asking her if it was OK to call my friend. She hung up on me because I was being insensitive about her mother's illness, but since then I've repeatedly asked her if she wants to talk about her mother and I've repeatedly been shut down in that regard.

 

When things were good, they were amazing. But we've probably spent half the relationship either on the verge of breaking up or her not talking to me because of some slight on my part.

 

I'm done. I cannot stand the roller coaster. I broke up with her this morning. I told her I just couldn't stand the constant emotional yoyo that this relationship brought me.

 

She's texted me randomly throughout the day, trying to get me back. She says she's willing to put up with my drama to have me, and stuff like that.

 

I know she's hurting, but I haven't responded. I have felt just a sense of relief now that I've made the decision that was probably inevitable.

 

But I do miss her, too. When things were great, they were really amazing. When she's in her "zone," she is one of the sharpest, sexiest, most intelligent women I know. But when things go off the track, it's really scary. It's honestly as if she doesn't sometimes know her own name or the day of the week. And when she gets angry at me over something.....well, it's not pretty.

 

I guess I need some moral support here. I did do the right thing, didn't I? I hated to hurt her and I miss her when she was at her best. But there was some kind of dark side to her that had her seeing things that weren't there (literally), hearing voices that weren't there (literally), and just scaring the crap out of me.

 

She just sent me another text that said: "After everything, am I really left with just...nothing?"

 

Sigh.....I'm not very good at breaking someone's heart. That's probably how I got into my bad marriage to start with.

 

I hate this.....

[aviator423]

Just got another text that said: "I'm seriously thinking about flying down there just to get your attention."

 

Wow....it's starting to sound like I made a smart move, huh?......

[jbelle6]

Yes you did the right thing.

First of all, if anyone EVER said "why would I want to meet your son?" I would have turned around without a word, left, and NEVER spoken to them again, insult me fine, but not him.

Second, he is your priority, someone who talks about guns and shooting people has no business in your life, if she went down there, what if your child was with you?

Third. I agree with Midwest, seems like there are more pharmas she is on. The night time craziness she has is because the script pill she is taking has got to be Ambien. I cooked whole meals, washed walls, ate a cake and I never eat junk lol. It's insane. I find the longer you are on it, the less effective it is to actually put you to sleep, you think you are but walk around like a zombie, really, it shouldn't be taken for more than a couple of weeks.

 

 

You made the right decision, she really does sound crazy, and you are too early in a relationship to require counseling, what would you do in 5 years?

[aviator423]

I agree with Midwest, seems like there are more pharmas she is on. The night time craziness she has is because the script pill she is taking has got to be Ambien. I cooked whole meals, washed walls, ate a cake and I never eat junk lol. It's insane. I find the longer you are on it, the less effective it is to actually put you to sleep, you think you are but walk around like a zombie, really, it shouldn't be taken for more than a couple of weeks.

 

I've heard bad things about Ambien. But the drug she takes is Halcion. And she doesn't take it often. When she has taken it, rather than the bizarre stuff I've mentioned, she just passes out for several hours.

 

I don't think her issue is prescription drugs. But I have had moments where I've been concerned about the amount of alcohol she consumes.

 

And when I brought some of this stuff up as a matter of concern, she said, "You're trying to make me out to be crazy. I'm not. "

 

Guess that settles it them, huh?

[aviator423]

I agree with Midwest, seems like there are more pharmas she is on. The night time craziness she has is because the script pill she is taking has got to be Ambien. I cooked whole meals, washed walls, ate a cake and I never eat junk lol. It's insane. I find the longer you are on it, the less effective it is to actually put you to sleep, you think you are but walk around like a zombie, really, it shouldn't be taken for more than a couple of weeks.

 

I've heard bad things about Ambien. But the drug she takes is Halcion. And she doesn't take it often. When she has taken it, rather than the bizarre stuff I've mentioned, she just passes out for several hours.

 

I don't think her issue is prescription drugs. But I have had moments where I've been concerned about the amount of alcohol she consumes.

 

And when I brought some of this stuff up as a matter of concern, she said, "You're trying to make me out to be crazy. I'm not. "

 

Guess that settles it them, huh?

[ascendotum]

"Man Up" - I guess there are two ways to interpret that. A - stop complaining and just put up with whatever flakey behavior comes your way, or B. don't put up with any BS and let her know your concerns and leave if you are not happy. I think the later option is the better one to look to. You say you are guilty of not cherishing her, but really it should be a two way street. Sorry but I don't see women as the prize on the pedestal. You should be just as significant to her enjoyment of life as she is for you. I'm not a fan of LDRs to begin with, and for me any sort of unnecessary drama would push me over the lower threshold to just move on.

 

There were a handful of things here that would really have pissed me off. Somewhat red flags that she could bail on the relationship anytime it got too emotionally over whelming for her. Her giving the ultimatum to quit dealing with your ex (who you have to for the sake of shared custody) otherwise she will "kick you to the curb". was a big deal imo. While she might have retracted it, still for me that was an unfiltered insight into her feelings for you. It was pretty ****ing blunt, and I would be holding back from getting emotionally invested in any woman who said this.

 

Her having a bit dope while on holiday with her ex I don't class as a red flag, but seems you do. I think she deserved to be a bit pissed at you (in that instance only) for holding back on her meeting your son, because of that. A bottle of wine and xanax & valiums each day I guess would be no worries but a few cones a year, and she's a junkie. sheesh. Apart from that, I just don't think she sounds like a good bet long term relationship, especially giving the extra overhead for this relationship with the travel for you. Is she traveling to meet you?

[ascendotum]

Hey just noticed this is an old thread. You broke up, then got together, then just broke up again. Like you, I cant stand emotional roller coaster relationships. For your own happiness, you did the smart thing. It was a case of bad luck that you got this drama first time back dating. Be a little ruthless on what is in your best interests

[DArtagnan2]

Well, this week has been miserable. We kept trying to fix things, but it honestly felt like we were both speaking a different language. It was as if we were both desperately trying to make the other one understand us, but the more we talked the murkier the issues became.

 

On Saturday, she texted me and said, "Do you think we should chat on the phone about all this?" I replied, "If you're up for it." She shot back, "Well apparently not. I just thought we should."

 

Hmmm.....

 

So last night I finally called her. I told her that I honestly just wanted her to feel heard and respected and that I wanted her to vent and express everything she felt denied in expressing. She said, "No, I'm done. My feelings aren't important. I can accept that. Your drama right now is a bigger deal than my feelings, so I just need to accept that." I kept trying to gently draw her out, but she said we needed to end the call and go to bed.

 

I tossed and turned again all night. Half the time in this relationship, I never knew what the right move was. I literally felt at times as if the rules were constantly changing: She encouraged me to "be there" for a platonic female friend who was having some serious challenges, then she almost broke up with me one day for asking her if it was OK to call my friend. She hung up on me because I was being insensitive about her mother's illness, but since then I've repeatedly asked her if she wants to talk about her mother and I've repeatedly been shut down in that regard.

 

When things were good, they were amazing. But we've probably spent half the relationship either on the verge of breaking up or her not talking to me because of some slight on my part.

 

I'm done. I cannot stand the roller coaster. I broke up with her this morning. I told her I just couldn't stand the constant emotional yoyo that this relationship brought me.

 

She's texted me randomly throughout the day, trying to get me back. She says she's willing to put up with my drama to have me, and stuff like that.

 

I know she's hurting, but I haven't responded. I have felt just a sense of relief now that I've made the decision that was probably inevitable.

 

But I do miss her, too. When things were great, they were really amazing. When she's in her "zone," she is one of the sharpest, sexiest, most intelligent women I know. But when things go off the track, it's really scary. It's honestly as if she doesn't sometimes know her own name or the day of the week. And when she gets angry at me over something.....well, it's not pretty.

 

I guess I need some moral support here. I did do the right thing, didn't I? I hated to hurt her and I miss her when she was at her best. But there was some kind of dark side to her that had her seeing things that weren't there (literally), hearing voices that weren't there (literally), and just scaring the crap out of me.

 

She just sent me another text that said: "After everything, am I really left with just...nothing?"

 

Sigh.....I'm not very good at breaking someone's heart. That's probably how I got into my bad marriage to start with.

 

I hate this.....

 

 

Oh man, when I first came here to LS it was because of this exact problem I was having with dating the gal I was at the time. the back and forth, the drama, the breaking up, and so on and so on. I let it go on far too long then it should have.

 

Regardless of whatever she may be diagnosed with, it doesn't and shouldn't be an excuse or any reason to allow such behavior. She knows her issues, yet in no where has she taken responsibility. She continues to blame you, thus causing you to take a look at your own actions and changing based on how the wind blows that day for her. Her statement, "She will to put up with "your" drama so to be with you." How gracious of her. but again, putting it on you like the problem for the relationship not working or her feelings are because of your ex and your relationship. Hogwash!

 

Listen, you are fighting a losing battle, because truthfully, her issues aren't with you. She has to address her own issues in order to be good for anyone, including herself.

 

I find it admirable you are willing to do counseling with her. I would have been optimistic as well that she went the first time. But she needs to go on her own. Not only physically by herself to talk to someone, but she needs to want to do it for herself, not as a condition of you and her being together. It has to mean something to her personally. Don't get me wrong, I agree that two people wanting to be together for long term should talk to someone together as a couple. Like couples counseling, if the relationship has gotten to that point of "forever". But to mask the counseling you two are doing so she goes, isn't doing her any good. I wouldn't suspect that it will really change anything that really troubles her and has her acting as she does.

 

You can not continue to be her crutch. To take her abuse and continue to feel exhausted, deflated, and anything else that has you feeling negative. A relationship has troubles, but a partner should be more of a positive reflection or influence on the relationship and ourselves really. Some times, people are just toxic and there is no changing that.

[aviator423]

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I'm here again asking for advice. In spite of my strong sounding words before, I decided to try again with the lady in the long distance relationship. She texted me one day that she still missed me. And I sent her an email that started out "I miss you, too, but...." I then detailed all ky concerns as articulately as I could. I told her that if we were going to make it work, we both needed to get healthier. Her reply was quite a surprise.....she accepted responsibility for her role in our problems and committed herself to getting some intensive therapy. We gave things about a month before we met again. I flew to meet her after I got done with work on July 4th. We had a great weekend together and took an amazing road trip. Things were looking up. But even our first weekend back together, I saw some cracks forming. As an aside, I have some very difficult issues right now with my family; my father has dementia, my 92 year old grandmother is in poor health, and my mother is suffering some self-induced problems as well. I took a couple of vacation days to go manage some of the affairs that needed attention with my family, and she was very supportive. I actually wanted to fly her to my hometown with me, but I didn’t think introducing her to my family for the first time under such stressful circumstances would be fair to either my family or her. And she said she understood. We came back together the next weekend and things got weird. She's been having problems with her basement flooding during heavy rains this summer. On the second Saturday night we spent together, a severe thunderstorm warning was issued for her area. I told her I had a suspicion that one of her outside storm drains might be blocked, and I thought I might be able to prevent additional floods. I ran outside with a broom and sure enough, there was a lot of debris in astorm drain near her basement entrance. I quickly cleared the drain, and decided to sit under her awning during the coming downpour to see if I could figure out how to stop future floods. The rain started, water started flowing into the drain, and I was trying to formulate a plan for improving her outside drainage. Sudd3nly, she appeared, disheveled, soaking wet, upset, and started demanding to know why I hadnt answered her calls (which I had not heard). I told her I had been out back the whole time since I told her where I was going. She started yelling at me that she didn't see how it was possible for me not to have heard her and that she was fearful that I had been murdered. I was so dumbfounded I didn't know what to say. She finally yelled "**** you!" and stormed off. I immediately went to the bedroom and started packing my bag. She came in when I was almost done and started crying and apologizing to me. She said she had been going through a flashback of a r own mother abandoning her decades ago. she said the "**** you" was aimed at her mother, not me. Against my better judgment, I agreed to stay the rest of the weekend. Things were okay, but I felt alittle apprehensive the rest of the weekend. I had to skip my next planned visit due to a medical emergency with my grandmother. In fact, I had to use some personal emergency time at work and also skip visitation time with my son that week due to the medical issues. To say I was extremely stressed was an understatement. She kept offering tocome to where I was to help me, but I didn’t feel the timing was right to introduce her to my family. She seemed hurt and offended that I didn't "want" her help. Once the situation had stabilized a little, I told her id actually love it if she could come. She then changed her mind and said it probably wasnt appropriate to introduce a new girlfriend in the middle of a health crisis. But I ended the week confused; why was she offended until I asked her to come join me, then switching to agreeing with my original thinking? I ended that week very confused..and very concerned. Once the immediate crisis had passed and I was back at work, she received some bad news about her own mothers' health. She has no relationship with her mother, but any contact her mother or stepdad usually causes her extreme emotional upheaval. I kept offering to listen to her if she wished to talk, but she refused. She either didn't want to think about it, or wanted to think it completely through before talking about it, or just openly wishing her mother woukd just die and get it over with so she could be done thinking about her. Last week, she became agitated with me, saying that I always made everything about my drama and that I never gave her space to grieve over her mother. I told her that wasn't going to negate her feelings by telling her anything different, but that I had a different perspectuve on things. She kept telling me that she was always giving and never got anything gack in return. I asked her why she was still with me if she felt I was that self-absorbed. She said she wasn't sure why, but then in the middle of her sentence she said, "I just realized that I'm not giving myself permission to grieve....." She then told me she loved me and wanted us to still be together. I hung up resolved to still try to make this work, but I was also deflated and confused. I'll confess right now that I was almost hoping she was about to break up because the drama has gotten excruciating. But for some reason, I still feel this deep attachment and attraction to her. Things with my family continue to be a challenge. My ex wife still maintains an odd relationship with my parents. It's jacked up and bizarre, but my parents grudgingly put up with it if it means more opportunity to see their grandson. On Sunday, my ex offered to go to where my family is and lend a hand until my next days off. My family accepted the offer even though my ex has cut off contact with many of them in the past over various slights. It's indicative of how serious things with my family are..... From what I'm hearing, my ex is doing an okay job. Actually, my ex loves to be seen as the one who can manage a crisis, so I'm sure she's doing an adequate job for the time being. If anything, my ex's issues come alive when there's NOT some kind of crisis to manage. I mentioned in passing to my girlfriend that things with my family were under control for the time being and I had to grudgingly admit that my ex seemed to be helping the situation for once. My girlfriend started asking me what she expected me to do with this information. I told her I didnt expect anything, I was just trying to be objective. My girlfriend again started telling me how she gave everything in our relationship and got nothing in return. I said if that's true, why did she still want to be in a relationship with me? She said she asked herself that a lot, but she keeps concluding that sge loves me for reasons she can't explain. I'm not sure why, but I just couldn't stand it any more. The constant drama. The verbal abuse followed by tearful apologies. The confusion of never knowing whether it was okay to grudgingly mention one nice thing my ex did. Being shut down when I offered to listen to her vent about her mother, then getting yelled at for not giving her space to grieve. I reluctantly told her we were done. She keeps texting me that she loves me. And this is hard, because I still care for her. But I just don't think our relationship has been healthy either time we've tried it. Am I wrong? I fear there is more wrong here than something we could work out in couples therapy. This feels very, very unhealthy. I know my responses weren't always healthy, but there seems an awful lot wrong here besides just me.....

[veganpilot]

Hey, this may be completely irrelevant but are you a pilot as well?

[aviator423]

And my apologies for the run on posting above.....something weird happened when I pasted my uodate here out of Word. I'm sorry if it's tedious to read.....

[aviator423]

Hey, this may be completely irrelevant but are you a pilot as well?

Yes I am. Part 121 Regional Jet pilot.....

[sid3]

And my apologies for the run on posting above.....something weird happened when I pasted my uodate here out of Word. I'm sorry if it's tedious to read.....

 

It was, so I only read the last few sentences. From what I gathered, sounds like you're making a smart choice for yourself. Better to be single than unhappy with the wrong person.

[veganpilot]

Wow is she a pilot as well? She must be pretty special

[sid3]

Wow is she a pilot as well? She must be pretty special

 

Enough with the pilot crap already.

[veganpilot]

Indigo Delta Oscar November Tango Golf Indigo Victor Echo Alpha Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

[aviator423]

Enough with the pilot crap already.

 

she's not a pilot. And not trying to be rude, but her career really is irrelevant to my bigger concerns......

[msmolecule]

And not trying to be rude, but her career really is irrelevant to my bigger concerns......

 

I think this statement completes the puzzle of the picture you've been trying to paint here.

 

As others have said, we've only been getting your side of the story and as I read, I could not help but think that there were some important details you were not disclosing - perhaps in order to make yourself look rational and emotionally stable as opposed to the picture you've painted of her. However, people don't generally react (in the ways you've described of her) to absolutely nothing.

 

I have a feeling there were a lot of times that you gave her the impression that whatever she said, felt or had going on in her life was "irrelevant to [your] bigger concerns." That could explain some of her behavior/responses.

[BlueIris]

...I'm not sure why, but I just couldn't stand it any more. The constant drama. The verbal abuse followed by tearful apologies. The confusion of never knowing whether it was okay to grudgingly mention one nice thing my ex did. Being shut down when I offered to listen to her vent about her mother, then getting yelled at for not giving her space to grieve. I reluctantly told her we were done. She keeps texting me that she loves me. And this is hard, because I still care for her. But I just don't think our relationship has been healthy either time we've tried it. Am I wrong? I fear there is more wrong here than something we could work out in couples therapy. This feels very, very unhealthy. I know my responses weren't always healthy, but there seems an awful lot wrong here besides just me.....

 

Since you're newly divorced and the two women you've described you describe very negatively, it might be a good idea to get into individual therapy to learn more about how you tick. Maybe hold off on any more relationships until you've learned more about yourself.

[aviator423]

I think this statement completes the puzzle of the picture you've been trying to paint here.

 

As others have said, we've only been getting your side of the story and as I read, I could not help but think that there were some important details you were not disclosing - perhaps in order to make yourself look rational and emotionally stable as opposed to the picture you've painted of her. However, people don't generally react (in the ways you've described of her) to absolutely nothing.

 

I have a feeling there were a lot of times that you gave her the impression that whatever she said, felt or had going on in her life was "irrelevant to [your] bigger concerns." That could explain some of her behavior/responses.

 

I'm sorry to say this, but I'm not sure I'm following. I came here selling insight into a relationship issue and ended up with multiple posts about my career. I was trying to get the conversation back on track.

 

And you're probably correct. I probably am a big part of the problem. But having sometime yell "f...k you" at me when I was trying to help out just felt wrong to me.

 

I was in therapy with my ex wife....eventually the therapist told me I was in danger if I stayed there. I guess I'm trying to figure out whether I am just attracted to troubled women....or if I am the one who drives them over the edge.

 

But I still feel it was appropriate of me to put an end to multiple comments regarding my career and hers. If my career is relevant to the discussion, then by all means.....but I felt the side talk was becoming a distraction.

 

But I could be wrong...

[todreaminblue]

I'm sorry to say this, but I'm not sure I'm following. I came here selling insight into a relationship issue and ended up with multiple posts about my career. I was trying to get the conversation back on track.

 

And you're probably correct. I probably am a big part of the problem. But having sometime yell "f...k you" at me when I was trying to help out just felt wrong to me.

 

I was in therapy with my ex wife....eventually the therapist told me I was in danger if I stayed there. I guess I'm trying to figure out whether I am just attracted to troubled women....or if I am the one who drives them over the edge.

 

But I still feel it was appropriate of me to put an end to multiple comments regarding my career and hers. If my career is relevant to the discussion, then by all means.....but I felt the side talk was becoming a distraction.

 

But I could be wrong...

 

 

dont apologise you are copping a bit of flak here .....for no good reason that i can see.....

 

 

........sounds like you have really stressful life .....doesnt sound like she has a handle on hers either......sometimes people meet in the worst of times.....she sounds impulsive....and maybe that isnt suited to you ......i do feel couples therapy could be an option......if you wanted to go the one last effort approach...but you have to have a defined plan......not to keep trying break up and then try again........you give it a shot with counselling and you dont say ok lets break up after two visits....do you really love this woman....

is it love you feel.....with her.....

 

 

has she told you that she loves you.......if you honestly feel there are more bad times than good then that is a problem that really should be taken into account.....

 

 

why would you want to stay if you did...

 

 

why would you want to leave the relationship....have you done the list yet of pros and cons.....

 

 

 

what are her redeeming traits that keeps you going back...one thing i know is that sometimes loving someone isnt enough

 

 

there has to be a relationship that is built on more than just love......communication seems to be a mutual issue......and communication is key for any relationship to have longevity so is time spent together......having actual fun and good times...so quality time .......do you have time for a relationship really.............deb

[sid3]

she's not a pilot. And not trying to be rude, but her career really is irrelevant to my bigger concerns......

 

My apologies for getting off topic. My comment wasn't directly related to you or your situation.

[msmolecule]

And you're probably correct. I probably am a big part of the problem. But having sometime yell "f...k you" at me when I was trying to help out just felt wrong to me.

 

I was in therapy with my ex wife....eventually the therapist told me I was in danger if I stayed there. I guess I'm trying to figure out whether I am just attracted to troubled women....or if I am the one who drives them over the edge.

 

You are the common denominator here. You ought to examine that. Also, I am wondering why you have a history of dragging the women in your relationships to therapy...

 

I think you do a very good job of framing a situation with words such that you come off innocent and bewildered. However, I have a sneaking suspicion that there is a LOT that you are leaving out for the sake of looking like the good guy.

[aviator423]

You are the common denominator here. You ought to examine that. Also, I am wondering why you have a history of dragging the women in your relationships to therapy...

 

I think you do a very good job of framing a situation with words such that you come off innocent and bewildered. However, I have a sneaking suspicion that there is a LOT that you are leaving out for the sake of looking like the good guy.

 

Well, it's not my intention to be misleading because it would be counterproductive to come on a site like this asking for advice and intentionally be deceptive. I honestly do want to understand the real problem.

 

Obviously, all of us have a bias that can blind us to objective realities. But I am not intentionally "framing" with my "words." I'm feeling slightly offended at this accusation, but I also understand that online forums lend themselves to people who are trying to justify themselves. I'm not sure how to convince anyone otherwise, but I honestly don't want anyone blowing sunshine where it doesn't belong.

 

I will gladly answer any questions that might help uncover a hidden agenda on my part. If anyone would even find that helpful. Perhaps not. Perhaps I need to confine my questions exclusively to sessions with my therapist.