AntiSocal Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I'm a very paranoid person. I tend to analyze every situation that i'm in and think of all the possible outcomes. This tends to wreak havoc on my relationships. Don't trust my friends. And very rarely can i convince myself to trust a woman. I've been cheated on twice so i'm sure that has something to do with it. I don't really talk about my trust issues with women cuz i know they don't like it when guys show insecurity. But whenever i begin to develop strong feelings for a girl it just ruins the relationship. I'll end up cheating because i assume shes doing it, or just breaking up with her because the mental anguish is too much for me. I can't monitor a girl 24/7, and i don't really want too. Would like to be able to just trust them but it seems impossible when i think of crazy scenarios 24/7. Anybody else here dealt with this?
Eivuwan Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 All of your threads suggest that you need to see a therapist but you won't because you are paranoid. A catch 22 problem. 3
Candy_Pants Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 Nope, never dealt with this. But it sounds more like issues with control.
Author AntiSocal Posted March 14, 2014 Author Posted March 14, 2014 Nope, never dealt with this. But it sounds more like issues with control. This is true. I do tend to want to be controlling when i find a girl that i really like. Refrain from actually being controlling though because girls seem to try harder to impress when they think i don't care about them. Maybe relationships just aren't for me lol. People on this forum make me feel like a total jerk but i always feel that my thought process is spot on. Maybe i really am crazy lol.
Candy_Pants Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 It's not a matter of being crazy. It's a matter of operating under false notions. Such as, that you have control. The desire to control and, as your previous post indicates, manipulate others will never bring you the peace or happiness you seek. If you truly want a good relationship you'll have to work on yourself.
Gaeta Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 People that want to cheat will cheat no matter how much you supervise them, people that don't want to cheat won't even if they are bombarded with offers. The answer is to understand in life you do not control anything but yourself so let life unfold on its own. If she cheats then you'll cross that bridge then. You break up and move on, it's not the end of the world, it's just a heartbreak. You're mad, sad, you learn and go to next one. I am 48 years old, you know how many heartbreaks I had in my life? Yet I am still here alive and kicking, loving, living, having fun. No matter what happens with those girls coming in your life you will be ok. 3
saltyfishhead666 Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 (edited) I have to type this to edit my post... Seeing a shrink would serve you well... Maybe some medication Edited March 14, 2014 by mummyjonno
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 For those with paranoia it may be some type of anxiety issue (maybe like GAD). I would advise maybe trying out DISTRACTION! Keep yourself busy with hobbies/activities/whatever. You'll be less likely to dwell on things!
KungFuJoe Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 This is true. I do tend to want to be controlling when i find a girl that i really like. Refrain from actually being controlling though because girls seem to try harder to impress when they think i don't care about them. Maybe relationships just aren't for me lol. People on this forum make me feel like a total jerk but i always feel that my thought process is spot on. Maybe i really am crazy lol. I've been reading your posts for a bit now and yeah, I think you're right...you might be crazy. 1
Almond_Joy Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 I'm a very paranoid person. I tend to analyze every situation that i'm in and think of all the possible outcomes. This tends to wreak havoc on my relationships. Don't trust my friends. And very rarely can i convince myself to trust a woman. I've been cheated on twice so i'm sure that has something to do with it. I don't really talk about my trust issues with women cuz i know they don't like it when guys show insecurity. But whenever i begin to develop strong feelings for a girl it just ruins the relationship. I'll end up cheating because i assume shes doing it, or just breaking up with her because the mental anguish is too much for me. I can't monitor a girl 24/7, and i don't really want too. Would like to be able to just trust them but it seems impossible when i think of crazy scenarios 24/7. Anybody else here dealt with this? I'm a natural skeptic/overthinker also which lends to a.....wariness of others and their motives. Once I was cheated on that evolved into full blown paranoia. I tried to keep my trust issues under wraps from my bf, because like you I figured he doesn't want to deal with insecurity like that. But the distrust started eating me up inside, and in a relationship distrust is nearly impossible to conceal. It made our home a constant source of tension because I was always either angry with him or depressed over things he had nothing to do with or hadn't done. It takes extraordinary patience for a reasonably trusting person to stay with a paranoid person. No one likes to feel that they can't be trusted, and most will tire of constantly reassuring you that you can trust them. But you need that reassurance in order to continue making the (tremendous) effort to trust people. It feels like you're exposing a weakness when you share that need, I know, but I can't express to you enough how CRUCIAL it is that you state this need and get it met. It makes a huge difference in your progress with trusting people. I think if you get in these serious relationships and hide your trust issues, you're shooting yourself in the foot. Once you've established you want to get serious with a girl, you need to have a frank discussion with her about your past, your natural skepticism, and how it has affected your ability to trust people on a deeper emotional level. A woman or friend that wants you in their life will hear that information and work with you to build a deep, reciprocal relationship that you can trust. I also suggest you keep coming back here and venting when you feel distrustful of someone. Doing that helped me to gage what is a healthy level of trust and what's unreasonable. If you're naturally suspicious of others it's hard to be aware of the right balance. Having several people (not just the people in my life, but strangers with no vested interest in either me or my bf also) show me the difference in my expectations and most others' helped me better identify when I'm being unreasonable and curb the paranoid train of thought a lot quicker in most situations. Also, please keep in mind that once you share your need for patience and reassurance and the person agrees to stick around, they have accepted a job that for them is probably as exhausting as it is for us to trust them. If they love or care about you their emotional security is now on the line too. My closest friend also has severe trust issues and we've spent HOURS talking each other out of paranoid trains of thought about people in our lives, sometimes daily. I know generally guys don't talk as much as girls do, but I think this circumstance warrants an exception. You need to make a deliberate consistent practice of communicating feelings of distrust DIRECTLY TO the people you want to trust, so that they can give you the validation you need to continue making that effort. This is not a one shot fix. I've had a few therapy sessions over the years, but most of my progress was made in posting here and talking constantly to my bf and gf. I trust my bf unreservedly now, haven't had a paranoid thought about him in months. Hope this helps and good luck.
Arcanum Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 (edited) I'm a natural skeptic/overthinker also which lends to a.....wariness of others and their motives. Once I was cheated on that evolved into full blown paranoia. I tried to keep my trust issues under wraps from my bf, because like you I figured he doesn't want to deal with insecurity like that. But the distrust started eating me up inside, and in a relationship distrust is nearly impossible to conceal. It made our home a constant source of tension because I was always either angry with him or depressed over things he had nothing to do with or hadn't done. It takes extraordinary patience for a reasonably trusting person to stay with a paranoid person. No one likes to feel that they can't be trusted, and most will tire of constantly reassuring you that you can trust them. But you need that reassurance in order to continue making the (tremendous) effort to trust people. It feels like you're exposing a weakness when you share that need, I know, but I can't express to you enough how CRUCIAL it is that you state this need and get it met. It makes a huge difference in your progress with trusting people. I think if you get in these serious relationships and hide your trust issues, you're shooting yourself in the foot. Once you've established you want to get serious with a girl, you need to have a frank discussion with her about your past, your natural skepticism, and how it has affected your ability to trust people on a deeper emotional level. A woman or friend that wants you in their life will hear that information and work with you to build a deep, reciprocal relationship that you can trust. I also suggest you keep coming back here and venting when you feel distrustful of someone. Doing that helped me to gage what is a healthy level of trust and what's unreasonable. If you're naturally suspicious of others it's hard to be aware of the right balance. Having several people (not just the people in my life, but strangers with no vested interest in either me or my bf also) show me the difference in my expectations and most others' helped me better identify when I'm being unreasonable and curb the paranoid train of thought a lot quicker in most situations. Also, please keep in mind that once you share your need for patience and reassurance and the person agrees to stick around, they have accepted a job that for them is probably as exhausting as it is for us to trust them. If they love or care about you their emotional security is now on the line too. My closest friend also has severe trust issues and we've spent HOURS talking each other out of paranoid trains of thought about people in our lives, sometimes daily. I know generally guys don't talk as much as girls do, but I think this circumstance warrants an exception. You need to make a deliberate consistent practice of communicating feelings of distrust DIRECTLY TO the people you want to trust, so that they can give you the validation you need to continue making that effort. This is not a one shot fix. I've had a few therapy sessions over the years, but most of my progress was made in posting here and talking constantly to my bf and gf. I trust my bf unreservedly now, haven't had a paranoid thought about him in months. Hope this helps and good luck. I wanted to say that it helped me tonight and I hope things are still going well for you. Many thanks. Edited March 29, 2014 by Arcanum
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