SmellyMelly Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 Okay I just read another post and I lost it but I've also wondered what this means...."I love you but I'm not in love with you." That's what my ex told me in our last face to face conversation....but at the same time he still wants to see me, talk to me and have sex with me....I will not be his sex buddy. I don't understand how he can say he's not in love with me anymore and still want to have sex with me and want me to spend the night with him. Hell, he has asked me to spend the night with him and just snuggle with no sexual pressure. I tried it but I couldn't sleep....I still love him. Anyway, just wanting to hear any thoughts on this.( And I know that he isn't involved with anyone right now...but I know that can change at anytime?) SmellyMelly
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 "I love you but I'm not in love with you" means: "There are things I don't like about you and the relationship. I've grown past those feelings I first had for you, and they will likely never come back. My needs for what it takes to "be in love" are no longer met in this relationship. I tell you that I love you because I do still care for you on some level and so that I can still benefit from those things that I find positive about being with you, but by saying that I'm 'not in love' with you means that I can exempt myself from those things I find negative about it." There was a pretty good discussion about it in this thread. If you are not comfortable with this arrangement you'll need to take the necessary steps to change it - because right now, all of his needs are being met and few of yours are. If he is content with this situation, he will see no reason to change it, because it benefits him. Be sure though that you are ready to take this step: because by doing so you will be risking losing what it is you have left because once he's past a certain point of pulling back from you emotionally he will not want to go back - even if it means seeing that your needs are being met. You have every right though, to make it clear that you can't function in this selfish arrangement under his terms.
johnnyl321 Posted January 27, 2005 Posted January 27, 2005 usually i've found it's the women who say that to the men that they're leaving. i've often wondered about that bs myself. personally, i think it's a copout. i will give kudos to lucrezia borgia. she answers very deftly, very succinctly and with good argument and merit to boot. other than that, i've always felt it's a cop out.
MikeE Posted January 27, 2005 Posted January 27, 2005 As for the sex thing, you must understand that men do not need an emotional attachment to want to have sex. I have close female friends who I think of as nothing more than friends whom I would gladly have sex with then go right back to being friends. Nothing would change from my side. Just the way men are. But good for you for not wanting to be his sex buddy, that would just mean bad news for you. Now that I'm thinking about it, I know women who I pretty much despise as people but they are attractive and i would still have sex with them. Yes, we men are dirty dogs. Right or wrong it's our nature. Most of us anyway.
Weird Posted January 27, 2005 Posted January 27, 2005 it is a lame thing people say to others and IMO it is an insult to one's intelligence to say that crap to them. As for the sex thing, the guy just wants to get a piece of ass so that is why he wants to keep humping you. Good to hear you won't put up with it because you arent a piece of pleasure meat for him.
imokurnot Posted January 28, 2005 Posted January 28, 2005 I found someone I actually like better than you. In the one case where it is not that, it means I like you but what was I thinking getting so involved with you. We are not compatible or you are not what I envision for my partner through out the rest of my life on this planet. Sorry not to be insensitive but this is what I got 3 months ago. It was another guy that actually took her attention from me and I guess her love as well. Sure there were problems but we never even addressed them once in our 7 year relationship. It is a lame excuse that people use because it is relatively nice and flows from the lips easily. Love is a commitment and if the feeling and infatuation and attraction is there it can always be there if we do the work to insure it will be. Most people either lose sight of this and think they fell out of love or think love is a feeling and that feeling can dull. When it does they think they are not in love with the other person anymore. My roommate is a classic example. He is 39 and he thnks he is going to find someone and have that first 3 month feeling forever. I tell him he is crazy and it won't happen. Meanwhile he is a good looking guy and he goes through girlfriends at a pretty healthy clip looking for the one that when he meets her the feeling will never go away. I wish I was that ignorant I could have avoided a 7 yr relationship and the pain of the extraction from said relationship that I am still working through . We are almost programmed to say we love you but are not in love with you anymore. Rather than hurt our SO's it seems much easier on them and us as well. Unfortuantely it ends up hurting them more because there is no closure and it drives them batty. It can mean the other person doesn't believe the issues in the relationship are solvable, or they are too lazy to work them out. But usually it is someone else, either already in the picture (like my situation) or if the person is better than my ex with some self-esteem and compassion, then they have someone in mind that they would like to get in the picture with. Sex thing has been perfectly explained by others. Guys are wired differently...........
BurningBright Posted January 28, 2005 Posted January 28, 2005 In the book I bought after watching an episode about dating on Oprah (He's just not that into you, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo)... they put this very simply. The first I love you means "I don't want to hurt your feelings" and the "but I don't love you" means exactly that. They don't love you. You will be able to see this meaning in other lines as well. For instance... my recently ex bf said to me "I do care for you, but I think it's best if we break this off" I know the meaning/ "decoding" is a little harsh, but it has helped me. I think it is much better to be blunt when it comes to situations like this. Lets us get over our ex that much quicker. ~BurningBright
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