I just can't seem to make him happy.

[GemmaUK]

I'm so pleased to hear this Phoe!

 

I do hope that he thinks twice though and takes a breath before taking t out on you.

You're only responsible for your own happiness and he is responsible for his.

Happiness is something you each can take care of for each other.

You keep yours in check for him and he needs to keep his in check for you.

[mukkrakker]

Compromise is not "my partner hates my personality, I'd better completely change it for them."

 

I lost your thread.

Keenly said "you should never feel you need to change a part of yourself in order to conform to some one else's version of compatibility".

 

I took that to mean a part, not your whole personality.

 

If Keenly or anyone else can find a partner who accepts them in their entirely and doesn't care that they won't change a single part of their life to benefit that other person (like I vacuumed the living room this weekend, even though I didn't want to, but it made by wife's day) then I'm very happy for Keenly but immensely sad for the person he's having a "relationship" with.

 

I dare anyone to tell me they do not compromise daily, either in their work life or personal relationships with friends, family or lovers. Compromise doesn't mean complete subjugation of your personality, it just means being a decent human being.

[pteromom]

If Keenly or anyone else can find a partner who accepts them in their entirely and doesn't care that they won't change a single part of their life to benefit that other person (like I vacuumed the living room this weekend, even though I didn't want to, but it made by wife's day) then I'm very happy for Keenly but immensely sad for the person he's having a "relationship" with.

 

Vacuuming isn't part of your personality though. It's a kind gesture you are making for your partner.

 

That isn't the same thing as disliking that someone is logical. Being logical is a core part of who someone is.

 

Phoe, I am glad you and your bf worked it out, and I hope things continue to improve for you. I feel like your auntie and want to take care of you!

[pickflicker]

I lost your thread.

Keenly said "you should never feel you need to change a part of yourself in order to conform to some one else's version of compatibility".

 

I took that to mean a part, not your whole personality.

 

If Keenly or anyone else can find a partner who accepts them in their entirely and doesn't care that they won't change a single part of their life to benefit that other person (like I vacuumed the living room this weekend, even though I didn't want to, but it made by wife's day) then I'm very happy for Keenly but immensely sad for the person he's having a "relationship" with.

 

I dare anyone to tell me they do not compromise daily, either in their work life or personal relationships with friends, family or lovers. Compromise doesn't mean complete subjugation of your personality, it just means being a decent human being.

 

But Phoe's bf at the time, seemed to be unhappy with a pretty big part of her personality.

 

Example: read anything of mine on here and you'll see I'm pretty opinionated. That's because I'm intelligent and well read. I will always have an opinion on something. If my partner didn't like that about me, it's not something i can change.

 

Vacuuming the floor is not "changing your personality".

[soccerrprp]

Also, from what I have seen, these guys seem to do a good job of being able to provide just enough positive reinforcement that it takes women a while to realize what is going on.

 

This happens often with women. They get just enough "good" to keep them from seeing the "bad" so they persist on thinking the guy is not as bad as he really is. Seen it far too often.

 

While I do get anxious that that he would get bored of me and leave, that is all on ME. That is not a result of anything he has done. That is a result of a lifetime of feeling not good enough. I do not actually have any fear of him. I trust him completely and never feel fearful or scared or anxious about anything he might do. I know he will never hurt me.

 

Of course, you don't know this for certain, but I hope he works on the way he responds/reacts under stressful situations better. I suspect and would not rule out that this type of response IS him and not just b/c of the current circumstances.

 

I have a friend who gets terrible texts from her ex, but cannot block him b/c of a child in the picture. He later calls or texts back to try and tell her that he didn't mean what he said (AGAIN, again, and again). She used to buy it, but has internalized and knows better now to believe he is remorseful.

[pteromom]

I just read your other thread about him not being into sex anymore, and I am seeing some red flags in what you are writing.

 

Hopefully I am wrong, and obviously I can only go by what you write here, but a few things stick out to me.

 

First is that if you don't do the things you do to "make" him happy, that he is unhappy.

 

This type of situation could be a "bottomless pit of need". You have to constantly give and give in order to keep him "happy". Any time you don't meet his expectations, he gets unhappy, causing you to doubt yourself and feel like it is your fault he's unhappy. It gets tiring after a while, even if you are enjoying it right now.

 

Then there is the "you look like ****" comment, with him forgetting he said it afterward. Red flag city. The comment shows that he is capable of saying something like that (which usually picks up after you move in and are more entangled with the person). The forgetting shows that he is either a liar, or that him saying that was such a non-event to him that it didn't even register. Neither of those are desirable traits.

 

Then there is the list of things he does for you. Many of them included him imposing his will on you. He took you to the doctor even though you didn't want to go. He doesn't allow you to touch a door. He doesn't allow you to pay. He joined your gym to make sure you work out right. All these things may seem sweet and caring, but there's an underlying current of HIM doing things because HE wants to do them, not because you necessarily want them.

 

When you ask him for something he doesn't value or want himself, THAT is when you see his true giving side.

 

I'm not pointing this stuff out to try to make you break up with him or anything like that. I just want you to be aware and make a note of what I am saying. If none of it applies, great. But if you start seeing patterns of control or cruelty, you need to know it is HIM and not due to anything you are or aren't doing.

 

So many of us have BTDT in bad relationships, and we just want you to be happy.

[Phantom888]

I think Phoe is a great girlfriend who makes an effort. There are too many women who just don't put in enough effort to fix the problem. Good for you Phoe!

 

My fiancee is very considerate as well, and she always tries to make me happy. It's a great cycle when you try to make each other happy, and 1-up each other.

[Phoe]

This dude of yours sounds like he has his own set of issues, but I'd be more concerned about assessing your own. Because chewing with your mouth open is an infuriating trait, one that I'd gleefully deck someone over, but passively taking all blame upon yourself is how things get tragic.

 

 

 

It's definitely all my own, and has nothing to do with his actions. I've yet to figure out how to not feel guilty and take responsibility when something goes awry.

 

 

When I've done something that's made him unhappy, I want to fix that, no matter how silly it may be that he's unhappy in the first place.

 

 

He's got a cold right now, I took care of him last night. Homemade soup, OJ, sudafed, and lots of snuggles. It put him in a very good mood and that made all my effort more than worth it.

[GemmaUK]

It's definitely all my own, and has nothing to do with his actions. I've yet to figure out how to not feel guilty and take responsibility when something goes awry.

 

 

When I've done something that's made him unhappy, I want to fix that, no matter how silly it may be that he's unhappy in the first place.

 

 

He's got a cold right now, I took care of him last night. Homemade soup, OJ, sudafed, and lots of snuggles. It put him in a very good mood and that made all my effort more than worth it.

 

Phoe,

I 'get' you somewhat here with what you are saying (I think!).

 

Can I ask you, were you ever a carer in any way for your parents or a sibling?

This question is going to sound silly..did you ever have a pet that was 'yours' and you were the one to take care of?

I know you have a cat currently who is very close to you. How old is your cat and have you had pets before that you were very attached to?

 

Care givers can feel a lot of guilt if things don't go well. It's empathy actually (which I am sure you know) which isn't a bad thing but sometimes it can really affect a person. It can be a lot of weight to carry on top of ordinary life.

 

PS. Don't feel obliged to reply to this post. I am aware that I may have posted too much earlier in this thread and you may not wish to reply

It's OK and I understand. I posted things that were OTT and I shouldn't have. I apologise to you for that Phoe.

Not only that but you are still replying here on top of the whole schedule you currently have...

PPS. I hope you don't catch that cold.

[Iguanna]

Gemma your posts have beem an inspiration to many people so plz don't apologize for them