I just can't seem to make him happy.

[Treasa]

I missed that, and I agree it's good they are going to talk. I hope she sticks to what she feels though rather than just focusing on making HIM happy. I find her threads about him concerning, sorry to say. He comes off as very immature and selfish imo, and Phoe comes off as wanting TOO badly to please him. She's mentioned several times before that she's not had a healthy romantic relationship, unfortunately that makes her more susceptible to ignoring red flags and rug sweeping when she shouldn't ime. I agree that maybe this one incident isn't the worst in the world, but combined with other things she's said about him, I think there are some major red flags waving pretty strongly.

 

Agreed completely. And these are an awful lot of issues to be having just a few months in.

[somedude81]

This guy is so lucky.

 

I would have killed to have a "brainstorming" session with my ex before she suddenly dumped me.

[Copelandsanity]

This guy is so lucky.

 

I would have killed to have a "brainstorming" session with my ex before she suddenly dumped me.

 

"Dude," you need to get "some"

[somedude81]

"Dude," you need to get "some"

Oh most definitely. I haven't had any since my GF dumped me three months ago. Which ironically enough, was one week before Phoe got her BF. So I know that Phoe has been in her relationship for as long as I've been single.

 

Getting back on topic, Phoe, is there any chance that you're his first GF? A lot of things he does and says points to a guy who doesn't have much experience which goes along with him wanting to move so fast.

[Leigh 87]

I missed that, and I agree it's good they are going to talk. I hope she sticks to what she feels though rather than just focusing on making HIM happy. I find her threads about him concerning, sorry to say. He comes off as very immature and selfish imo, and Phoe comes off as wanting TOO badly to please him. She's mentioned several times before that she's not had a healthy romantic relationship, unfortunately that makes her more susceptible to ignoring red flags and rug sweeping when she shouldn't ime. I agree that maybe this one incident isn't the worst in the world, but combined with other things she's said about him, I think there are some major red flags waving pretty strongly.

 

 

The thing is, guys, what veggirl is saying is that she is at a stage in her adult life where she would quiet literally tell a guy to " sort himself out" if he were to get angry, upset or just plain demanding towards her in regards to seeing her.

 

There would be no " oh.. sorry, but I really wanted to see you... I feel bad, I am sorry you're upset"

 

 

You can still be considered a very nice person without babying someone and having to reassure them at all times, even when they are in the wrong.

 

I too would have been a little more harsh. I have had the guy who worshiped me yet who wanted an inordinate amount of time with me/would be all "upset" if I couldn't give him that.

It is very flattering to have a guy who obviously does feel quiet strongly about Phoe. I can understand WHY she is riding on a high right now; he seems to be the first guy who has expressed genuine interest in Phoe (I still have no idea WHY, she seems lovely:o), so yeah. I totally do not blame her for being very apologetic and accommodating of the first guy who has been to loving and caring towards her.

 

She needed to point blank tell him " you are acting irrational, I am going to end this conversation now; I love you, please have a think about how unreasonable your being and don't call me back until you can offer me a genuine apology"

Instead, she apologised TO HIM for not being able to see him. At the time she apologised and felt bad surrounding the issue of not being able to jump to his attention whenever he saw fit.

 

 

 

 

 

God forbid Phoe simply wanted a day to unwind; sans boyfriend. He would go ballistic knowing that Phoe wanted to be alone with no good reason besides "wanting" time alone.

[GravityMan]

I think relationships shouldn't be this much stress. A person shouldn't have to sh*t bricks to make the other happy. I'm wondering, how did you plan to fit a relationship into your schedule given your stress? How did he? This isn't meant to be an offensive question.

 

I think it was very immature of him to shut down on you like that. To do that is so insulting.

 

I think that you are way too quick to blame yourself. You seem to be always blaming yourself for everything that doesn't go right with your R. That isn't fair to you.

 

Very well put. I've only read the first 40-50% of this thread, but I also like gaius's takes on this.

 

I haven't really kept up much with Phoe's experiences with her boyfriend (I try not to spend too much time on LS). But one thing that concerns me that this apparently ISN'T his first relationship, yet he's (over)reacting like this to things which wouldn't be a big deal to most happy and emotionally stable couples, including young ones. Makes me wonder if his passive-aggressive behavior played a factor in the eventual end of his previous relationship(s)...if so, it seems like he hasn't learned much from them. What's going to happen when he and Phoe encounter a real bump in the road?

 

It's normal for relationships to encounter some turbulence every once in awhile. But more constant stress is troubling.

 

It's good that they're going to have a heart-to-heart conversation about this. Sometimes, open communication is all it takes to move past rocky moments and even form a stronger and closer bond.

[CrystalCastles]

What's going to happen when he and Phoe encounter a real bump in the road?

 

My thoughts exactly. I had actually pointed this out later (must've been the 50-60% you didn't read, haha! ) and the fact that things seem to get rocky over small matters is troubling.

[Leigh 87]

I don't think there is a legit excuse for the way Phoe's boyfriend acted.

 

My boyfriend seems smitten with me also, yet he doesn't get mad or put sh*t on me when I cannot see him.

 

 

 

I am not qualified to speculate, however, I will throw one possibility out there; perhaps the only way Phoe's boyfriend can be truly into a girl is to exercise too much control over her due to.. I dunno, just wanting to see her all the damn time.. Potentially being scared of losing her?

In my honest opinion, he needs a few sessions with a professional in order to determine WHY he acted irrationally. He has his whole life ahead and desperately needs to sort this out.

 

I am not sure if he will suddenly have a revelation on his own accord, where he has a brain wave: " oh, geez, I was sure being unreasonable to Phoe, I shouldn't do that again and I need to brainstorm why I acted that way. I am sure I will figure it out and then never do it again"

 

Some perfectly nice people who have real feelings for us sometimes need help.

 

 

 

I am one of those people like Phoes boyfriend ^^^^

 

 

 

 

 

If I am not being proactive with therapy, I tend to be unreasonable in relationships.

I actually did the same thing as Phoes boyfriend did, but I did it to my own lovely boyfriend.

He couldn't see me as his dad was just out of hospital, plus he had not been home in weeks. He needed to go home, look after his dad and do errands around the house and help his family build something.

I went spastic, saying that a guy who was crazy about me would surely miss me to no end and not be able top be apart from me or THAT long.

I soon saw the situation for what it was; we genuinely weren't able to see one another, he had no money, his dad would have been very disappointed if he had left his dad and abandoned his family duties he had on most days, and I could not go to see him as he lives 4 hours away and I had a LOT of crap to do.

 

 

 

 

 

So I see a therapist fairly regularly and therefore I soon saw my errant behaviour and it scared me that unless I seek out regular therapy, I definitely will not be able to have healthy adult relationships.

Maybe Phoes boyfriend has a few issues he needs to resolve with a qualified person?

It would be awfully sad if he failed to be able to have a healthy relationship with Phoe because he simply cannot handle things in the right way ALONE; for him and Phoe to break up due to an issue he COULD resolve.

 

 

 

I will tell ya, no matter how much you love someone, issues like this tend to build up and get worse or at least continue on UNLESS a person seeks out therapy every once in a while.

People who exhibit symptoms such as Phoes boyfriend has tend to drive people away or self sabotage relationships. I know this very well, the way he acted is a sure sign of it.

 

 

 

 

All the love in the world cannot save people who are unreasonable and who have unrealistic expectations as to WHAT a person "needs" to do for their partner in a relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

Moving in together so soon is also cause for concern. Although it is not entirely flabbergasting. I moved in with my ex after mere months.

[Seeking11]

Oh boy, reading through most of the posts in this thread, and the past few recent one really saddens me. What I will say is only based on what I have read, but some have already touched on this.

 

Firstly, as a few have pointed out, you are beating yourself up way too much for any little thing, even on some things that may not be your mistake. You are so worried that if you do something wrong, you are going to lose this guy. I am very sorry to say, but this is the typical behavior of the beaten wife that can't lose her husband.

 

Now I am in no way saying he is beating you, but you are exhibiting the same behavior of a beaten spouse who feels their life will shatter without their partner. This is not healthy and it will wear you down. From my understanding this relationship is about 3 months old, things should not be like this. I understand the two of you had schedule changes and it really threw a wrench in your current relationship, adding on more stress.

 

However, it is at these points of the relationship that you truly see how each person can handle hard situation. When things are good, people act good, it is just how it is. When things get bad, you see how someone handles stress. Keep in mind, this was an argument over watching a television show on skype. Imagine a few years down the line, if you two are living together, perhaps married, and you come across money issues, someone lost a job, a very expensive unexpected cost came along, how is it really going to be handled?

 

And that's the thing, I keep hearing "he was stressed, that's why he was like that towards me", and again, it's almost the same line a beaten wife says. They can't see what is happening in front of them, out of the fear of losing what they feel is everything, the relationship.

 

But lets put that aside for now, as those are hiccups in the relationship which yes, having such schedule can cause. My bigger concern is the bf sounds very controlling. Now I am not talking controlling in the sense of controlling you. Rather it seems he is controlling in that he needs to have control over his own world.

 

Lets first refer to the living situation of finding an apartment. You mentioned that he had all of these requirements for the place, no window in the front, gated, security, and such, that he had to be sure you were safe 100% of the time. Second, he has a need that he has to take care of everything, the doors to places you eat, car, eating out, bills, etc. He says he can't stand being without you a single day. Seems to be firm on the whole moving thing and is going to bring it up again. When things don't go the way he seems to want it to go, it backlashes very hard.

 

To me, it seems that he has to have such control in his world otherwise it is a complete failure. This really reminds me of an old film from the 80's / 90's, can't remember the name of it. But it is a boyfriend and girlfriend that get married, and throughout the film, the boyfriend struggles in wanting to keep his girl safe from any danger in the world, to the point that it is an obsession. Near the end of the movie when they are married, he takes her to their new home, a cabin in the woods, and has all contact to the outside world cut off, cuts the phone lines, etc, as he fears anything that may happen to her and has to have control over everything. And Phoe, you are very much a part of his world and he feels he needs to keep you safe and in order, and if things don't go that way, well, he reacts how he has reacted.

 

Now I'm not saying just go ahead and dump the guy, you can find better, yadda yadda. But these are very serious red flags that do need to be addressed, and I fear they won't be, because you are too worried that you are somehow screwing up and are going to lose him. That somehow he is "putting up" with your behavior, so you should be doing everything in your power to keep him. Relationships are not about putting up with one another or walking on eggshells in fear of losing the other person. You need to take the time to evaluate his behavior and your own in this relationship, do you honestly want to go the next 5, 10, 40 years worrying when something goes wrong that he will end up leaving you for someone better? Nobody is perfect, and it is how people handle these imperfections that make or break a relationship. Take care of yourself.

[GemmaUK]

Aw! Phoe!

 

I spotted this thread yesterday and made a point to come back and read all of it today.

I have also read the first few posts of your moving in thread and the sex thread also.

 

I am totally sympathetic with how you're feeling right now but you need to step back and empathise with yourself - really honestly!!

I have a similar story which I'll write about later in this post.

 

This isn't all just about his behaviour on that particular night, nor over the moving in. You're always in the wrong for something aren't you?

Every few days or weeks there's a new thing that comes out of the blue and he has a complaint to make. Am I right?

 

Think about you for a moment.

You are doing 16 extra hours a week on top of another job.

You like and need exercise in your life and also good sleep patterns.

You also live alone currently - as in - you have your space within hwre eyou are living to take care of. Meaning you have food shopping, cleaning, laundry, housework..the general day to day stuff that those who basically live alone have to do.

 

You have also said that all of the things you 'need' to do you put aside and do when you get a free day when he is working.

You also go and see him when you finish work each day.

The scenario with the truck - you were being considerate towards him and also considerate towards the relative whose truck you didn't want to borrow.

 

So, other things to look at.

He lives with his mum and to be honest many a mum will still 'take care of' a son or daughter. I suspect she does the majority of the housework and normal daily chores.

I'm wondering whether he is at all considerate of all of the things you need to do to just 'look after yourself'

On top of that when you leave chores until the day you have off work an he is working it lessens any possibility of you seeing your own friends.

 

He is manipulating your time by being needy. He gets in a sulk/strop if you don't consistently give any free time you have up to him.

If you are exhausted or unwell you have every right to expect him to be considerate of how you feel.

His strop on skype was that of a toddler who can't get attention. Said toddler then resorts to name calling - or in this case telling you that he basically disrespects your logical mind.

He knew full well that what he sent in that text would hurt you - it was designed to do just that. That's cruel and nasty.

His comments about you being basically 'too difficult' (apologies - I can't remember the wording - highly strung or similar I think it was) over moving in are just as you felt at the time an attack on your character.

 

He doesn't call you names but he does actually insult you. It's emotional abuse.

 

He is also a knight in shining armour who does a lot for you and has completely swept you off your feet with his kindness.

That is all going to help you to fall in love with him.

 

The thing is that these are the actions of a man who is controlling.

They are in black and white in a book titled 'How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before Getting Involved by Sandra L.Brown.

 

Your man is the whole first chapter and some if not all of the second chapter also. His behaviour is text book.

 

I do suspect that you are at fault for various other little things here and there as well as the move and as well as the night you didn't see him.

I am also very concerned that he and his mum bicker and that she goes away for days at a time. It's not a good sign at all.

 

I was in a similar-ish situation with a man.He was also text book.

He was 42, me 43. I'll call him M from here on in.

 

M was a trucker and lived on the road all week and then at weekends he lived with his parents.

I have a house, live alone and work full time, quite often long hours as a Management Accountant.

 

We met when I had a few days off work and this was via a small dating site which had a forum. We both had friends on there that we had met in real life.

Anyway, we met, started chatting and all seemed OK. Obviously I had an awful lot more time to spend chatting when I was off work.

We hadn't yet met again (he lived 150 miles away) and I had a few days here and there booked off work as my brother and his family were visiting from Australia. I hadn't seen my brother in ten years so I was really excited to spend some time with them.

My first sign that I should have picked up on was when I told M that I wouldn't be around as much for calls and texts while my folks were here.

He got upset and said that I should have much more time for him, not less.

 

I had to fully explain that I was going to be spending time with them because I hadn't seen them in so long and so I wouldn't be at home to be free to skype and that when out and with people I don't text people. My phone stays in my bag unless I actually need it.

 

Anyway, things went on and all seemed perfect. I had a few issues at home with my house to do with plumbing and also ended up getting only a couple of weeks notice by our maintenance company to shift everything out of my garage for essential repairs. He came and helped massively with all of this - he was a bit of a hero to me and I was falling for him.

 

So then, just a few months in..two maximum things started to change.

Every few days the words 'I have a bone to pick with you' would come out when I was aware of no problems whatsoever between us.

 

At this time these were some of the things I got 'told off' (for want of a better way to explain it) for:

 

1. I didn't respond to texts fast enough.

 

M, like your guy survived on 4 hours sleep a night - something of which he was very proud. I didn't really get it but I need my 8/9 hours sleep.

He would text me at 5.30am when he started work. I would get up anywhere between about 6 and 7am and the first things I would do is use the bathroom and then go make a coffee. TV on for the news and then switch on my pc to have a read of things posted on the dating forum the night before. While logged in I would reply to his text.

I found out that this behaviour on my part was wrong.

M told me that I was allowed to visit the bathroom but that I shoudl reply to him before getting a coffee or doing anything else.

I responded by saying that my first priority in the morning was looking after myself just as I wouldn't expect a text from him the moment he awoke.

 

One morning when walking to work there were two cars parked on the pavement in front of me. I realised that a car had gone into the back of the car in front.

When I got a little closer the car closest to me started reversing fast down the pavement towards me. Luckily the guy he had crashed into saw me and shouted out to stop the car.

I mentioned this all to M that day. From then on he sent me a very flowery 'be safe' text just at the time I was leaving for my walk to work. It seemed a bit over the top to me - it was only one incident and I didn't even get hurt at all.

I didn't see a need to respond to it but a month or so later M told me that he went into blind panic every day because I didn't respond so he thought I had died. Usually he or I would text around 10 ish, once I was settled into work and had five minutes for a break.

 

M would text all day and wanted replies all day there was maybe an hour or so break in the afternoon and then he would send a text or two at 5pm.

I replied when I could but my work finish time was 5.30pm and quite often I would work until 6/7/8/9pm. If I was working after 5.30pm I would always let him know.

The issue of his 5pm text came up one day and he asked why I didn't ever respond straight away as he expected. I told him I didn't finish work until 5.30 for one thing and then once work was done I still had to walk home, go shopping if I needed something..etc..

 

Once I was at home he felt my time was free for him.

I explained on several (many actually) occasions that I needed time to eat, wash up, change out of work clothes, put laundry on, hang laundry out to dry..etc. Basically I needed time to do my chores before my time was free for anything.

This all really got out of hand. I did attempt to be there whenever he wanted but I wasn't eating, wasn't looking after myself and was exhausted.

He actually told me he had no consideration at all for me needing time to do things at home because it was something he didn't have to od and something he had never had to do in his life.

 

2. We had a work conference coming up which I managed to get out of attending. This caused an almighty problem.

The event was seminars all day and then the evening was a dinner dance. We have this every year and it's expected that we attend. It's only staff and no partners.

M said that if I ever attended he would find out where it was and make sure he was there for the evening. He said he wouldn't have much choice as 'these events are where everyone sleeps with everyone'. Basically he was saying that 'I' would be sleeping with anyone I could. Emotional abuse and a slur on my character.

For the record I have been to many of these events over the years and never had any incidents of any nature with any of the men (or women) who were there.

 

3. Christmas

A few things happened over Christmas. (we spent most of the holiday with his parents, sister, her husband and their two boys and then a couple of days at my place), These are just a couple.

He and his father bickered. There was one row within an hour of us arriving but the worst one was on Christmas ay at the dinner table.

Everyone had gone silent and M was verbally beating his dad down.

His dad very calmly said that he simply hadn't known about something they were talking about so had just asked a question about it. Things settled for a moment but just as we were all about to sit M started shouting and hollering at his dad again wanting to continue the arguement.

It was awful and no one knew where to look. In the end I spoke up and asked M to please change the subject.

Later I apologised to his dad for speaking out of turn. He thanked me for having done so.

I did learn from this that M loved arguements and he would o anything to keep one going.

 

Going to the toilet - I, just like everyone else would get up quietly, leave the room and go to use the toilet as and when I needed it.

No one was expected to announce where they were going and we all have human needs.

Wrong! 'I have a bone to pick with you' came out yet again. M got in a tizz and confronted me when we were alone demanding to know where I would go every few hours. I couldn't fathom what he was talking about for a while as I couldn't remember having disappeared off anywhere.

Once I realised I laughed and said that he was being silly. He said that if I left the room I should tell him where I was going - even to the toilet.

I said that at 43 years of age I wasn't prepared to announce to 7 other people that I was visiting the toilet!

 

I didn't open up nor speak to anyone about these daft little things as I thought they were too ridiculous to even mention.

I now know they're not.

 

These are just a very few things. I have a list which I have written containing almost 70 similar incidents like these. This all happened over 7 months together.

I tried to end the relationship after Christmas as I was losing the plot and totally exhausted with constantly being in the wrong. I stupidly let his 'nice side' talk me around.

It then took a further 4 months to get away.

Some of the last issues we had were M expecting me to catch a train up to him at 5am when I could have got the train at 8am and still had plenty of time. He wanted us to have two hours of time to sit in his car before we went to the house of the people we were staying with so that we had some time to ourselves.

Also Easter weekend where I had been working 11-15 hour days all week but still took the train up as soon as I finished work. I was tired the next day so tried to have a nap -he said that I shouldn't be tired so woke me just as I had fallen asleep.

He also had an issue with the train I wanted to catch to get home that weekend as I needed to get some clothes washed ready for the week. He said I should bring an extra case and take my washing up there...on a train for 6 hours..little me with two cases. My hand was in bandages at that time too as I had damaged a ligament a few weeks before when he was at my place.

 

From quite early on he spoke of wanting to move in together. He wanted to live in a converted barn in the country and he wanted a dog. He wanted a dog to 'protect me'.

I don't drive a car and said I could never live in the country with no transport. He said it would be fine as he would be home on weekends and all that needed doing could be done then. (I would have been stranded during the week).

He only liked big dogs. He wanted an Alsation. I was attacked by an Alsation when I was in my teens. I realised that I would end up in a stranded home with a dog I was scared of. He wanted me in a box and away from anyone else.

He used to have a dog a few years ago. He fed the dog one morning, put the food down for it then went off to work. He came home 8 hours later to find the dog sitting by his food bowl and the dog hadn't touched the food. M had not instructed the dog to eat so the dog had been too terrified all day to eat anything. That in itself is scary!

 

I could see what was coming for me if I stayed with this guy. He treated me like a queen...and then not so much.

 

Sorry this has been so long but I suspect you've been at fault for a few similar things.

You won't ever 'make him happy' just like I didn't ever make M happy.

 

He tried his best to control me. I was always in the wrong for doing things that were not actually wrong at all.

 

I wonder whether for you it is the guy you have fallen in love with or whether it's more his actions that you have fallen for when he is being charming, lovely, sweet and ready to do anything for you.

In a healthy relationship a partner doesn't have two sides to them, not like this.

[xxoo]

I think you get too worried about small things. I do the same sometimes, but consciously give it a day or so before a get too worked up about it. Usually, in a day or two, I/we feel completely differently. It gets worked out. I can see that there was no real issue, just bad moods and imperfect communication.

 

Places like LS can be useful, but maybe give it 2-3 days before posting about arguments. See if you can resolve it together first. If you can not, then post. But posting every little thing to an audience is not a good way to navigate a new relationship.

[Iguanna]

GemmaUK I'm amazed by your story. What I said yesterday to Phoe (other girls would be angry for you not appreciating this guy), I take it back. After reading your story I'm pretty sure Phoe's bf is the same type of guy....

[Keenly]

I just think phoe is damn fantastic, both just a cool person and a great girlfriend. I'd hate to see her value be wasted on a guy that isn't going to be twice as awesome right back to her.

 

 

As I go into paternal mode.

[GemmaUK]

GemmaUK I'm amazed by your story. What I said yesterday to Phoe (other girls would be angry for you not appreciating this guy), I take it back. After reading your story I'm pretty sure Phoe's bf is the same type of guy....

 

Thanks Iguanna. I really appreciate that. x

I just went back to read your post. There's things about it I agree with too! But when other bits and pieces are going on behind the scenes like these is when Mr Perfect isn't quite so perfect.

M was a lovely man and at the beginning I was so very happy and he adored me. I still feel appreciative of the help he gave me - he was amazing!

 

I just couldn't live with all of these things all of the time.

 

When I tried to split with him it was incredibly hard because I thought of the good side of him. He also came right back with that good side when he talked me around.

In theory we were good and all differences resolved happily. Only a few days later when it came to normal day to day again something else new that was up would rock it all up and I was to blame. Once that was resolved we would be back in a situation where there was another problem with texting or something.

 

He was always available for skype calls and he liked a 1-2 hour call each night. When my work became really busy (it does over the winter months) I asked for 'date night' saying that it would really help me if we could have days when we had planned chats and the other nights I could catch up with things at home properly. He said no to this.

Even if I only got home from work at 9pm I was still expected to be there for a long phone call. I physically couldn't do it and was so tired I would now and then say that I was just literally going to eat whatever was in the fridge and go to bed.

Then the next text issue arose and it was that I had to text him before I went to sleep. Yep, fine. I can do that.

The next day we had a long skype call and at the end I said I was off to bed.

I did wrong again as I didn't text him goodnight. I had said it on the phone and had logged out, shutdown and went to bed. I didn't know that this would be wrong but he was again very upset over it.

 

The last weekend I spent with him he began questioning what I wore clothing wise when he wasn't with me.

He also questioned me over buying a little pair of earrings that weekend asking me when I would wear them as he said earrings were 'inappropriate'.

 

I really knew I had to get out

 

I thought all of these things were silly little things when they all happened. I didn't tell anyone -they just seemed daft things to mention. Each time they arose he wasn't 'angry' as such but it was made clear he was very unhappy and I had made him unhappy.

 

I had no idea why he was like this though. None. All I thought was perhaps this is how it is when someone really adores/loves you.

I was in a 14 year relationship from age 22 but nothing like this happened.

 

I had a few problems with M after splitting also but it was finally all over last August. We split in April.

 

I only started talking to friends about these little things after we split.

The one word I kept hearing from them over and over was 'controlling' .

 

Over this Christmas and in January I read up a lot about this type of behaviour in it's many varied forms.

I have always loved psychology but have only before ever read about the positive sides or about body language.

I found what I read really quite shocking. But it also confirmed what friends had been saying.

 

I've only just started back with an interest in maybe dating and meeting someone new.

What I didn't do was listen to my instincts. It's so very hard though when your instincts are torn between a great guy who treats you so well and then another who puts demands that are ridiculous upon you. BUT..they are the same guy.

 

I'm not gonna lie, it's ripped me up quite a bit today remembering and writing all of this. No tears at all but I have a headache and I think a grey hair is desperately trying to grow outta my head! I grew a lot of them while dating M! Very very few since!

 

However, I've been there and done that now and I know so much more than I did. I am better armed for whatever and whoever comes along next.

 

I hope Phoe comes back saying her relationship is nothing like minewas and that there are no other things going on that are an issue.

I'm here and happy to listen either way. She needs a ((hug)) and she has one from me already.

[Iguanna]

GemmaUK you seem like an amazing person and I'm sure every good guy would be happy to be your partner. Thank you for this story, it really touched me.

 

I'm thinking now that even if you were to tell someone about these small incidents, the most likely to happen would be that they would say you are overreacting, you are spoiled, you don't appreciate what you have and everything I said to Phoe yesterday without thinking about it really deeply. I'm sorry Phoe and everyone that read it, I regret it now. I guess there is a huge difference between caring and controlling.

[Chocolat]

GemmaUK you seem like an amazing person and I'm sure every good guy would be happy to be your partner. Thank you for this story, it really touched me.

 

I'm thinking now that even if you were to tell someone about these small incidents, the most likely to happen would be that they would say you are overreacting, you are spoiled, you don't appreciate what you have and everything I said to Phoe yesterday without thinking about it really deeply. I'm sorry Phoe and everyone that read it, I regret it now. I guess there is a huge difference between caring and controlling.

 

I think part of the problem is that if you haven't lived it, it's hard to comprehend. And this may be what's happening for Phoe - she's never experienced anything like this so she's trying to fit it into a framework she understands.

 

Also, from what I have seen, these guys seem to do a good job of being able to provide just enough positive reinforcement that it takes women a while to realize what is going on.

[Canucklehead]

Dude sounds kinda selfish to me. First has a bit of a tantrum on the phone then blames it on a girls video game habit..... really?

 

Gotta make more of an effort to work things out after the honeymoon phase. Phoe, this does not mean you have to bend over backwards either. Understanding and better communication seems like a better solution to me.

 

Needs to be mutual

[William]

Due to a report of a threadjack in progress, moderation would prefer for members to re-focus on the thread starter's issues rather than doing deletes and sanctions, so I'll offer up that request first. Thanks!

[somedude81]

I hope Phoe was able to work things out with her BF yesterday.

 

Give us an update Phoe, we're all curious to see what happened.

[pickflicker]

I hope Phoe was able to work things out with her BF yesterday.

 

Give us an update Phoe, we're all curious to see what happened.

 

Seconded - I just woke up, this was the first thread I went looking for...

[somedude81]

Wow, two evenings have passed and no word. I hope that's good news Phoe.

[pickflicker]

Wow, two evenings have passed and no word. I hope that's good news Phoe.

 

I know, I'm starting to wonder if I should hop a plane to check on her.

[Phoe]

Sorry all, been busy with work!

 

We talked, we made up. We both apologized and he was very remorseful for the actions he took that have made me feel bad over the past week.

 

 

Gemma, I appreciate your story, and can see how my situation may be alarming. I personally don't think he's at that same level as your ex. He loves his time with me and loves keeping me safe and caring for me, but my happiness is ultimately most important to him, and he knows that means having time to go to the gym, opportunities to spend time with family and friends.

 

 

Before our schedules became so insane, it was not an issue. I had time to do all the things I wanted and still see him. NOW though... when there's maybe a 1-2 hour time window when we can see each other, it's like a scramble to get all our priorities lined up so that small time frame can happen. And when it doesn't happen, it's disappointing. Because then we have to wait another day just to scramble for that same small time window.

 

 

Someone mentioned suspecting that his mom does all the household stuff. It's actually the opposite. He cooks, does the dishes, cleans, does laundry, does the yardwork, makes sure everything is set in the household. He moreso takes care of her. She doesn't NEED it persay, but she is glad to be able to relax and not worry with household duties.

 

 

He's a caretaker. He enjoys taking care of his mom, and enjoys doing the same for me.

 

 

While he would love to see me all the time, when I'm NOT with him, he's not worried. He doesn't bug me all day with texts asking questions, doesn't need to know where I am or what I'm doing. He knows I'm trustworthy and knows he doesn't need to be concerned with my day to day activities while he's away. He does not have jealousy issues.

 

 

His actions that appear controlling and manipulative are simply a result of him being overzealously enthusiastic about me. His heart's in the right place and the right intentions are there, he just sometimes goes overboard with his emotions and comes off very strongly.

 

 

While I do get anxious that that he would get bored of me and leave, that is all on ME. That is not a result of anything he has done. That is a result of a lifetime of feeling not good enough. I do not actually have any fear of him. I trust him completely and never feel fearful or scared or anxious about anything he might do. I know he will never hurt me.

 

 

As for the living together thing, he still believes thats the only solution, but he (quite reasonably so) still wants to keep saving and preparing for a few more months before searching for a prospective place.

 

 

Things have returned to normal, and for now we do our best to cope with the god awful schedule we've been handed.

[Els]

Phoe, it's good that he has expressed remorse, but have you talked about how he can better handle his emotions without lashing out at you when schedule conflicts happen? Does he intend to try to do so?

[somedude81]

Cool, glad to hear that you guys made up. You should have told us sooner, we were waiting with baited breath