pickflicker Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I think the overall goal of Phoe apologizing first is that he will understand that she only has good intentions and wants to clear the air. If he has any tact he will understand this and apologize for how he was behaving. Hopefully everything will get cleared up tonight. Phoe can set a standard for a mature way to handle disputes. If he's not on board, she should feel no guilt in dumping him. She tried, if he doesn't, walk. 2
Author Phoe Posted March 14, 2014 Author Posted March 14, 2014 He appears to be in a better mood and has already apologized via text, says he misses me, and is looking forward to talking things out tonight. On the BAD side of things, he's already texted me saying we need to move in together. This again -.- 1
somedude81 Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 He appears to be in a better mood and has already apologized via text, says he misses me, and is looking forward to talking things out tonight. On the BAD side of things, he's already texted me saying we need to move in together. This again -.- LOL, I was about to click Like and then I read your second paragraph. No Like for you! 2
Author Phoe Posted March 14, 2014 Author Posted March 14, 2014 No, it will just lead him to making more bizzaro accusations against you that have no basis in reality, like the video game thing. But you and pick seem determined to promote and reward bad behavior so I guess it is what it is. I hope at least someone reading who has been in a similar situation gets some good use out of the advice in this thread. I totally get what you're saying, and I can see that it is risky in the sense that he could see it as a reward for bad behavior. It's just that I'm more apt to believe that if I start off the conversation in a positive manner, that he will follow me lead and respond accordingly.
Joaquin Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 You'd really wanna be into this guy big time to be dealing with this sort of thing and only after a couple of months. He sounds exhausting, needy and just a tad pushy....... 2
Author Phoe Posted March 14, 2014 Author Posted March 14, 2014 I totally get what you're saying, and I can see that it is risky in the sense that he could see it as a reward for bad behavior. It's just that I'm more apt to believe that if I start off the conversation in a positive manner, that he will follow me lead and respond accordingly. LOL, I was about to click Like and then I read your second paragraph. No Like for you! *sigh* lol. We had set a date for July, that way he could save up like he wanted to, and also give his mom a years worth of rent so that she would be taken care of. I was comfortable with this July timeline. Now he seems to be wanting to push it up again.
pickflicker Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 He appears to be in a better mood and has already apologized via text, says he misses me, and is looking forward to talking things out tonight. On the BAD side of things, he's already texted me saying we need to move in together. This again -.- I'm with somedude, like for the first, not for the second. Not a chance, hon. It way too early, and this spat indicates here is much to be sorted here. And no moving his mum to the trailer. Bad.
pickflicker Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 *sigh* lol. We had set a date for July, that way he could save up like he wanted to, and also give his mom a years worth of rent so that she would be taken care of. I was comfortable with this July timeline. Now he seems to be wanting to push it up again. That's all you have to say. "I am comfortable with the July timetable." End of discussion. 3
Els Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 He appears to be in a better mood and has already apologized via text, says he misses me, and is looking forward to talking things out tonight. Great! On the BAD side of things, he's already texted me saying we need to move in together. This again -.-Oh, geez. Like pick says, tell him you want to stick to the pre-agreed July timeline. It's really very worrisome that he keeps pushing for moving in together after what, 5 months? 4? (Sorry, I have an awful memory) 1
somedude81 Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Great! Oh, geez. Like pick says, tell him you want to stick to the pre-agreed July timeline. It's really very worrisome that he keeps pushing for moving in together after what, 5 months? 4? (Sorry, I have an awful memory) I'm pretty sure it's three months. Though as fast as their relationship has been going since day one, this doesn't seem out of the ordinary. I'd expect them to have their first by the end of the year
pickflicker Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 I'm pretty sure it's three months. Though as fast as their relationship has been going since day one, this doesn't seem out of the ordinary. I'd expect them to have their first by the end of the year There's nothing wrong with a relationship that moves that fast, but it better not have as many red flags as this one. That's the issue here, not the pace, but that things look kind of sh***y.
veggirl Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Your boyfriend is SUCH a baby! You guys have been dating for 3 months. There shouldn't be drama! You act like you have been with him for 3 years. This is why you should not jump into an insta-you're-the-one relationship. You didn't even know this guy before declaring him the love of your life and giving him ALL of your free time. And now you are ACTUALLY getting to know him and how he operates and I'm not sure how ANY of this could possibly be attractive. He sounds whiny and pushy and manipulative. How he has you thinking you did something wrong is beyond me. He's like a toddler. He stamps his foot and pouts and then you give him the toy. I don't think you should be planning on moving in. Date him for a year first. I would not apologize to him for this. You need to set your boundaries. Why is he pushing you to move sooner again? I thought you mutually agreed to wait, once again he is ignoring you and your boundaries/wants in favor of his own. As he does. Sorry Phoe, I think you got caught up in the whirlwind romance and this relationship severely lacks a strong foundation. 3
Leigh 87 Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Wow. He got mad at you for not being able to see him. He is acting totally unacceptably. Seriously. Are you serious? YOU feel bad for the way HE acted totally irrational? He owes you an apology. He may not be able top figure this out on his own, which is a worry in itself; he doesn't find his behaviour unacceptable. In which case, you need to have a frank discussion with him. I would start the convo with : " I love the way we are together, we seemed to instantly click and I love our relationship. BUT....... I am not okay with the way you acted the other day, when I could not see you. I see you all the time, and it was totally unreasonable of you to expect me to drop everything to see you that night. My dad had already given me TWO lifts that day, I didn't want to ask him AGAIN. I see you all the time, and it is worrisome that you see it fit to pull the ' I am upset' card on me when YOU KNOW I would go above and beyond to see you if I had gone days without seeing you and/or if you were truly in need of my presence" Phoe, I get that it is nice to have a guy who is really into you and who wants to see you so badly that he even gets upset if you cannot see him for ONE day (when you otherwise see him ALL the time) I can vouch for it being A LOT NICER when your guy makes it clear he is into you yet WITHOUT being unreasonable. If I acted like this, my boyfriend would tell me to not put sh*t on him and he would politely but firmly stand his ground..... I had a guy like that before; I loved how crazy about me he was, yet he would want to monopolise my time and effort. My current guy is just as into me but without being manic about seeing each other and having to drop everything for it UNLESS it is serious.
somedude81 Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Honestly I'm amazed at the stuff this guy is able to get away with. It just doesn't seem right. Guys have been dumped for far less. 1
Author Phoe Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 Well he called me just now and we talked for a bit. I apologized and explained my intentions, he accepted it and explained that he was just grumpy because he had expected to see me and thought I was being flakey and now realizes I wasn't doing anything to harm him. We're gonna brainstorm tonight on what we can do to make this easier on us and ease the strain from our schedules.
Leigh 87 Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Being grumpy is not a good reason to take it out on you. He needs to learn to communicate in a rational and more pleasant manner. You go above and behind for him, anyone can see that just from merely reading a few posts about you and this guy. He needs to take steps to change his irrational ways. Please try to work on it now to avoid future pain and a potential break up:o 1
veggirl Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Well he called me just now and we talked for a bit. I apologized and explained my intentions, he accepted it and explained that he was just grumpy because he had expected to see me and thought I was being flakey and now realizes I wasn't doing anything to harm him. We're gonna brainstorm tonight on what we can do to make this easier on us and ease the strain from our schedules. He accepted your apology. lol that's rich. Did he apologize to you? You guys need to brainstorm...what exactly? He needs to grow up and act like and communicate like an adult. He needs to grow up and be okay with not seeing you every day of the week if you have other things going on or just want time to yourself. 2
pickflicker Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 He accepted your apology. lol that's rich. Did he apologize to you? You guys need to brainstorm...what exactly? He needs to grow up and act like and communicate like an adult. He needs to grow up and be okay with not seeing you every day of the week if you have other things going on or just want time to yourself. Ease up. She can mention about how she felt at the brainstorming session.
veggirl Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Ease up. She can mention about how she felt at the brainstorming session. I guess I'm of the mind that if there is this much drama (did you read her other threads?) in only 3 mos of a relationship, it's just not working. Personally I wouldn't have made it to the "brainstorming session" without an apology from him beforehand. IMO Phoe desperately needs to worry about herself and NOT about what he wants for once. 4
Els Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Well he called me just now and we talked for a bit. I apologized and explained my intentions, he accepted it and explained that he was just grumpy because he had expected to see me and thought I was being flakey and now realizes I wasn't doing anything to harm him. We're gonna brainstorm tonight on what we can do to make this easier on us and ease the strain from our schedules. That's good. For the record, I don't think your R is all bad (though it does have some bad components that are potentially dealbreakers). I think that the amount of effort he puts in and the things he does for you are admirable and speak well towards his feelings for you. However, he does sound rather immature and insecure, so I hope he manages to work on that. Communication is always a good start. Please don't agree to move in with him and his mom no matter what the outcome of your talk. You need to assert your boundaries more strongly and have the conviction to do what you need to do for you. 1
Els Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 I guess I'm of the mind that if there is this much drama (did you read her other threads?) in only 3 mos of a relationship, it's just not working. Personally I wouldn't have made it to the "brainstorming session" without an apology from him beforehand. IMO Phoe desperately needs to worry about herself and NOT about what he wants for once. He did apologize, Phoe mentioned it a few posts back.
veggirl Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Well he called me just now and we talked for a bit. I apologized and explained my intentions, he accepted it and explained that he was just grumpy because he had expected to see me and thought I was being flakey and now realizes I wasn't doing anything to harm him. We're gonna brainstorm tonight on what we can do to make this easier on us and ease the strain from our schedules. He did apologize, Phoe mentioned it a few posts back. IDK it didn't really sound like he apologized to me, but Phoe could have just not specifically mentioned that he did.
pickflicker Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 I guess I'm of the mind that if there is this much drama (did you read her other threads?) in only 3 mos of a relationship, it's just not working. Personally I wouldn't have made it to the "brainstorming session" without an apology from him beforehand. IMO Phoe desperately needs to worry about herself and NOT about what he wants for once. I think it's important to try and resolve this dispute before anything else. Everyone is allowed to make mistakes. She apologised, she's satisfied with his, they need to move onto the next bit. She wants to work at it, so let her work at it. 1
Els Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 IDK it didn't really sound like he apologized to me, but Phoe could have just not specifically mentioned that he did. He appears to be in a better mood and has already apologized via text She did say that he did; obviously neither of us can ever know whether it was 'genuine' or 'real' or not. I think this is all just nitpicking though in the end. IMO it's a good thing that they're planning to talk openly about their problems. 2
veggirl Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 She did say that he did; obviously neither of us can ever know whether it was 'genuine' or 'real' or not. I think this is all just nitpicking though in the end. IMO it's a good thing that they're planning to talk openly about their problems. I missed that, and I agree it's good they are going to talk. I hope she sticks to what she feels though rather than just focusing on making HIM happy. I find her threads about him concerning, sorry to say. He comes off as very immature and selfish imo, and Phoe comes off as wanting TOO badly to please him. She's mentioned several times before that she's not had a healthy romantic relationship, unfortunately that makes her more susceptible to ignoring red flags and rug sweeping when she shouldn't ime. I agree that maybe this one incident isn't the worst in the world, but combined with other things she's said about him, I think there are some major red flags waving pretty strongly. 2
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