Copelandsanity Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 This is like the reverse of a typical male-female argument. Phoe is thinking logically, attempting to fix things and be solution-oriented, and trying to do what she feels makes him happy, but it's not necessarily what he wants. He's acting out, blaming her for thing unrelated to why he's really upset, being evasive and indirect about his true wants, which seems like validation and emotional security. 1
Phantom888 Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I hope things are better now. I think it's one of those days when people just don't feel happy and everything irks them. You even mentioned you had a headache. I really don't see any deep concerns. It's just a bad day. Last night I had one of those. My fiancee was telling me how tired she was, so we went to the bedroom to get ready to sleep. We usually talk a few minutes before falling asleep, but as I was in the middle of explaining something, I heard her snore. She fell asleep listening to me....so I got annoyed and went to sleep. In the middle of the night she woke up, and I told her apparently my story was so boring she fell asleep listening. She apologized, and later I apologized for being upset. No one was at fault...just one of those days. 1
mukkrakker Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 You should never feel you need to change a part of yourself in order to conform to some one else's version of compatibility. Nobody "feels" like doing it but most do because thats what a relationship is, compromise.
Keenly Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 Nobody "feels" like doing it but most do because thats what a relationship is, compromise. Sounds like you and I just have opposing views of what we believe a relationship is. 2
pickflicker Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 Nobody "feels" like doing it but most do because thats what a relationship is, compromise. No, compromise is "well, I've got a headache, but screw it, bf wants to come over and I'll just push through, it won't kill me." Compromise is not "my partner hates my personality, I'd better completely change it for them." 3
BC1980 Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 Maybe you are just overthinking the entire situation. I do think his reaction was over the top though. Just don't take on the idea that you have to constantly make him happy. It doesn't need to be so difficult to make your partner happy. 1
Haydn Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 Yes. My like function refuses to work, But thats a like for you Keenly as well. No, compromise is "well, I've got a headache, but screw it, bf wants to come over and I'll just push through, it won't kill me." Compromise is not "my partner hates my personality, I'd better completely change it for them." 1
MissBee Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I don't know what to do anymore. I try very hard to make him happy, but sometimes I just can't due to circumstances out of my control. I don't know what I can do for him, and it's stressing me out that it seems there's nothing I can do. Earlier today he texted me saying he'd like to see me, and if not wanted to skype while watching a TV show we like. I figured I'd be able to see him, but the brakes on my truck went out and it's in the shop until tomorrow afternoon. I text him before he gets off work letting him know my truck's in the shop. I assume we will go ahead and skype. My set-top box was acting crazy today and I was in the middle of trying to reprogram it when the TV show we like comes on. I go ahead and stop trying program it and just let the show come on, knowing I won't be able to DVR it with my cable box in it's current state, so it was watch it now or not at all. My boyfriend gets home around the time the show starts so I text him saying "Hey babe, our show is on!" so he can get on skype and we can watch it together. He calls me on the phone and seems annoyed, asking "Why are you watching it without me?? I thought you were coming over!" I say "My truck's in the shop, remember?". It's all downhill from here. He wants me to borrow a car from my parents to come see him. Or have him come pick me up and then drop me off. I really don't want him to have to come all the way and get me, just to have to drive me back when he's exhausted from work later, not to mention I have a pretty bad headache anyway. I tell him I'll try to pause the show and hope my DVR works (knowing in my head that it really won't work). He goes and showers. We get on skype and naturally my DVR didn't work and I can't watch the show. He then proceeds to cancel his recording of it too. I ask him why would he do that? That it would be most logical to go ahead and record it so that he can watch it or at least we can watch it next time I'm over. At this point he shuts down skype without any warning. 10 minutes later I get a message saying how he has no patience for my logic today and he waited all day to see me and now I'm just making lame excuses for why I can't see him and if I really wanted to see him I would make it happen, and that I can make lame excuses all I want but he's not buying it. I'm just so stressed and at a loss of what to do. I didn't think I made excuses. I had a handful of legitimate problems that made seeing him tonight just really difficult. ONE night where I could not see him, and it was easiest for everyone if I just stayed home and skyped. But he thinks I'm making excuses (my truck is in the shop!!) and he is now upset with me. What can I do? What can I say? Nothing. He's being pretty unreasonable IMO and it doesn't make sense to run yourself ragged trying to make another person happy who is being unreasonable. Maybe he is in a mood and it will blow over, but my response, even reading it, wouldn't be to try to figure out how to make him happy, it would be me being frickin pissed off that he is being pissy and unreasonable. We can all get into little unreasonable moods and best is to let it cool down and blow over. You're however internalizing it and making it seem like it's your fault and you have to "make up for it" when you did NOTHING wrong. I'm not saying your bf is abusive, but that's how it is in some emotionally abusive relationships, you have one demanding and unreasonable person and another one who is always on egg shells who can never do anything right and is always catering to the other one's whims and fancies and stressing over all perceived wrongs they did which are in the other person's mind. Don't go down that road. If he has any sense, when he cools down he should start behaving more rationally and should even apologize to you for overreacting. If this is a pattern however, then I would say run and run fast, as it will leave you depleted and insecure. 2
pteromom Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I'll try to talk to him tomorrow morning and apologize for not letting him come pick me up. It probably would've been the best choice to just let him instead of causing this mess. I don't agree with you here. You had a headache, and he's always exhausted even when he doesn't have to take you back home at the end of the night. His whining and irritation about you not being able to come over ONE NIGHT was over the top. He should have been more understanding and kind, being as you were the one with a broken truck and a headache, instead of making it all about HIM. 3
Author Phoe Posted March 14, 2014 Author Posted March 14, 2014 I will see him for a bit tonight, hopefully we can resolve this easily then. 3
pickflicker Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I will see him for a bit tonight, hopefully we can resolve this easily then. Cook dinner, open with the apology I wrote earlier, and take from there. 1
pteromom Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 Unfortunately, my logic typically annoys him. He often wishes I would just stop thinking every now and then. Shut the brain off. But he puts up with that side of me even though it annoys him. Last night though, he seemed to have no patience for rational thought no logic from me. OK, I am liking your boyfriend less and less, the more I read. He PUTS UP with you? That is so very generous of him. Phoe, I know you have feelings for him, but honey, you can do better than this! You are smart and giving and beautiful, and you can find a man who loves you for exactly who you are and doesn't try to manipulate you or accuse of of prioritizing things over him just because you actually have a life outside of him. I am really annoyed reading this thread. I should go do something else now. LOL 4
somedude81 Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I will see him for a bit tonight, hopefully we can resolve this easily then. Good luck Phoe! All of us here want you to be happy. Just don't forget to stand up for yourself. As I said earlier, just because he does all these great things for you, does not mean he's allowed to be hurtful and say rude things to you. 1
Iguanna Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I haven't followed your story. You said he offered you to move in with him and you declined? Why? This would have saved all this trouble and money. He seems to be a family guy who likes to come home to find his gf waiting for him. I'd kill to find a guy like him. I'd kill to have a guy willing to drive 40 minutes to come see me for one hour after 12 hours of work. I think some women who don't even have a bf or their bf is not good enough would get angry with your ungratefulness, if I may call it this way. 1
clia Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 Cook dinner, open with the apology I wrote earlier, and take from there. Phoe has no reason to apologize to him. He should be apologizing to her. 7
clia Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I haven't followed your story. You said he offered you to move in with him and you declined? Why? This would have saved all this trouble and money. He seems to be a family guy who likes to come home to find his gf waiting for him. I'd kill to find a guy like him. I'd kill to have a guy willing to drive 40 minutes to come see me for one hour after 12 hours of work. I think some women who don't even have a bf or their bf is not good enough would get angry with your ungratefulness, if I may call it this way. Maybe you should read her previous threads. They only started dating in December, he lives with his mother, and wanted Phoe to move in with him and his mother. No sane woman would do that. 3
pickflicker Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I haven't followed your story. You said he offered you to move in with him and you declined? Why? This would have saved all this trouble and money. He seems to be a family guy who likes to come home to find his gf waiting for him. I'd kill to find a guy like him. I'd kill to have a guy willing to drive 40 minutes to come see me for one hour after 12 hours of work. I think some women who don't even have a bf or their bf is not good enough would get angry with your ungratefulness, if I may call it this way. He wanted her to move him with him and his mother, relegating her to a trailer in the back. That's a bull**** arrangement. 3
Keenly Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 Phoe has no reason to apologize to him. He should be apologizing to her. I'm in 200% agreement. 1
pickflicker Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 Phoe has no reason to apologize to him. He should be apologizing to her. Apologising for this small thing may smooth the way for conducive conversation. This is what relationships are all about. Stubbornness will not help her here. If he refuses to apologise for his part, she has her answer. See? 1
pickflicker Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 He wanted her to move him with him and his mother, relegating her to a trailer in the back. That's a bull**** arrangement. "Her" = mother.
Author Phoe Posted March 14, 2014 Author Posted March 14, 2014 Apologising for this small thing may smooth the way for conducive conversation. This is what relationships are all about. Stubbornness will not help her here. If he refuses to apologise for his part, she has her answer. See? That's exactly what I'm thinking. Start if off apologizing for coming off as ungrateful for his offer, and explain that it was not my intention to make him feel like I did not want to see him. Hopefully that will lead the way to having an open conversation about the whole situation where we both can work it out and resolve it. 3
pickflicker Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 That's exactly what I'm thinking. Start if off apologizing for coming off as ungrateful for his offer, and explain that it was not my intention to make him feel like I did not want to see him. Hopefully that will lead the way to having an open conversation about the whole situation where we both can work it out and resolve it. Atta girl. Proud of you.
gaius Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 That's exactly what I'm thinking. Start if off apologizing for coming off as ungrateful for his offer, and explain that it was not my intention to make him feel like I did not want to see him. Hopefully that will lead the way to having an open conversation about the whole situation where we both can work it out and resolve it. No, it will just lead him to making more bizzaro accusations against you that have no basis in reality, like the video game thing. But you and pick seem determined to promote and reward bad behavior so I guess it is what it is. I hope at least someone reading who has been in a similar situation gets some good use out of the advice in this thread.
pickflicker Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 No, it will just lead him to making more bizzaro accusations against you that have no basis in reality, like the video game thing. But you and pick seem determined to promote and reward bad behavior so I guess it is what it is. I hope at least someone reading who has been in a similar situation gets some good use out of the advice in this thread. Then if he's so immature that he does that, Phoe can confidently dump his arse, knowing he's a prick. Someone had to be the grown up. This isn't some ridiculous power struggle. For what it's worth, I think they're ultimately too mismatched. But Phoe wants to try. I am giving get a method to try. If it doesn't work, she's lost nothing by trying. 1
somedude81 Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 No, it will just lead him to making more bizzaro accusations against you that have no basis in reality, like the video game thing. But you and pick seem determined to promote and reward bad behavior so I guess it is what it is. I hope at least someone reading who has been in a similar situation gets some good use out of the advice in this thread. I think the overall goal of Phoe apologizing first is that he will understand that she only has good intentions and wants to clear the air. If he has any tact he will understand this and apologize for how he was behaving. Hopefully everything will get cleared up tonight. 1
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