I just can't seem to make him happy.

[mukkrakker]

but if I still continue to fail

 

Sorry I haven't been following this, I thought everything was hunky dory.

 

Anyway all I have to say is you deserve better.

I don't know why (well actually I do*) you keep beating yourself up over this when there's two people in the relationship who bare (bear?) equal responsibility…

 

* you have low self confidence, which I actually can't fathom cos frankly you sound like the perfect girlfriend/lover.

 

You are NOT failing. You're just trying to get a square peg in a round hole. If he was more accommodating, buffing off those sharp edges, you may make it fit.

 

You think he's perfect. I think you're life experiences maybe limited (?) so your perception is biased.

 

To be this unhappy in what you see as a perfect relationship doesn't make sense. One of you has relationship problems - actually I think both of you have relationship problems. Your expectations of him are too low, you're expectations of yourself are wildly too high… and he is too self centered to care either way.

 

I'm withdrawing my membership from the Phoe Appreciation Society - it's all just too much for me to take, such a waste of a good woman.

[clia]

Even reading about your relationship and work schedule makes me feel exhausted and stifled.

 

You did nothing wrong. The only thing you could have maybe done better would have been to explicitly tell him that since your truck was in the shop, you had no transportation, so you would have to just Skype with him that night. I think that should've been clear from the text you sent, but apparently it wasn't.

 

IMO, your boyfriend seems really insecure about losing you, which is causing him to act manipulative and controlling. If he offered to Skype during the show, then how were you wrong to accept that offer? You weren't. And frankly, I don't blame you for not wanting him to drive 40 minutes round trip twice just so the two of you can sit next to each other and watch an hour long TV show -- especially since he has to get up for work at 4 a.m. You weren't the one lacking logic -- he was. It's beyond baffling to me that he is blaming you when your truck was in the shop.

 

It is not necessary to see each other every single day. I don't know how you two are even managing with this schedule, to be honest. It's great that you are in love and want to see each other frequently, but as adults life sometimes gets in the way. You are already putting aside your own needs -- gym, errands -- to cater to his. The longer this goes on, you are likely to start feeling bitter and stifled. Do you even have time to see your friends? It seems like he is intent on taking up all of your time when you aren't at work.

 

I think he was unreasonable (not to mention childish) and this is a sign of things to come. But that's JMO.

[Divasu]

Have to agree with Ninja...

 

From what I understand, you see each other practically every day? If this is his reaction over one day of separation, I'd hate to see what would happen down the road if/when REAL problems surface.

 

His reaction would be more fitting for say, not having seen each other for weeks and your response being "eh" about it.

 

His emotional capacity resembles someone of a younger age, insecure and unsure of himself. Your natural inclination is to appease and coax him, but how much are you willing to pretzel yourself in order to accommodate his lack of fairness?

 

It's a catch-22 because it seems when you do put your foot down, and draw boundaries, he views it as resistance. In turn, you become unsure of yourself... Notice a cycle?

[somedude81]

It sounds like he was having a tantrum.

 

He should have been fine with the fact that you didn't want to go to his place that night and that you have a headache. You guys see each other every day so it's not like he's missing out. I don't know why he wanted to put together such a big production just to watch a show together. Even if your DVR was broken, he could have just recorded it and watched it next time you're together.

 

You can't blame yourself for things that happen that you have no control over. I get the impression from you that you are worried that if you don't be the absolute perfect girlfriend he's going to leave you. Is that close to how you feel?

 

At this point he shuts down skype without any warning. 10 minutes later I get a message saying how he has no patience for my logic today and he waited all day to see me and now I'm just making lame excuses for why I can't see him and if I really wanted to see him I would make it happen, and that I can make lame excuses all I want but he's not buying it

This was really odd and I'd actually call that a red flag. He shouldn't be rude to you at all, never mind that it's just a TV show. You're tired, upset that you have to put your truck in the shop and you have a bad headache.

 

I'm sure that a big reason why he's being snappy is stress from work, but he has to realize that he can't take it out on you.

 

My suggestion is to tell him that you appreciate the offer of him picking you and that you're sorry you didn't accept because of your reasons. But also tell him that it's not right for him to disrespect you.

 

Just because he does all these amazing things for you, does not mean he can be rude to you whenever he wants.

[CrystalCastles]

The vibe I got from their conversation was that she didn't really want to go over to his place and said so by mentioning the truck being in the shop. She had access to a borrowed vehicle so she could have gone if she really wanted to. He then responds by ignoring her needs and demanding she borrow one or he drives her. So then she sticks to her guns and says no, and he punishes her by hanging up on skype. Which is atrocious behavior on his part considering he knew full well she wasn't feeling well and she was still on Skype anyway trying to please him. Their relationship can't be 100% about what he's feeling.

 

^Agree. He behaved selfishly. He should have been more understanding of Phoe's needs. I don't see how it is emasculating if for one evening Phoe just wants to stay home. She has her own life, she can't cater to her boyfriend 24/7.

 

Also, this is a pretty big fuss over something so small. How will he be able to handle even bigger things down the road?

[Phoe]

He messaged me and for some inexplicable reason, he seems to think this all has to do with video games.

 

I had offhandedly mentioned to him that my xbox had been acting up for 3 days, and that I was baffled about what was up with it, and that THAT was why I needed to reprogram my cable box.

 

 

Says that I am putting my xbox and video games before him and my priorities are very wrong.

 

 

How, after the argument last night, does he come to the conclusion that it is ALL because of video games?

 

 

Does not compute.

[Chocolat]

I asked in your other thread, what makes you happy? Making someone else happy, doing things for your bf, etc., don't count. What makes Phoe happy? You didn't answer in the other thread but I hope you can answer here or at least in your own head. The sense I get is that your identity is wrapped up in pleasing your bf. Who is Phoe and what does she want?

[Phoe]

I asked in your other thread, what makes you happy? Making someone else happy, doing things for your bf, etc., don't count. What makes Phoe happy? You didn't answer in the other thread but I hope you can answer here or at least in your own head. The sense I get is that your identity is wrapped up in pleasing your bf. Who is Phoe and what does she want?

 

I did answer in the other thread!

[Chocolat]

I did answer in the other thread!

 

Not really.

 

You said:

I don't need much to be happy, I'm simple really.

 

 

It's not a tangible "list" of things either because I've never been much of a list maker. Just like I never had a laundry list of qualities I require in a partner, I don't have a laundry list of things that make me happy.

 

 

If I really wanted to make a list it could be endless and quite silly, really, with things like "A man who takes out the trash makes me happy" - because really, yeah that would make me happy but I don't base my own personal happiness on things like that.

 

Your response addressed "what do you look for in a partner" rather than "what makes you happy."

 

WRT the bolded, what DO you base your personal happiness on?

[TAV]

Even reading about your relationship and work schedule makes me feel exhausted and stifled.

 

You did nothing wrong. The only thing you could have maybe done better would have been to explicitly tell him that since your truck was in the shop, you had no transportation, so you would have to just Skype with him that night. I think that should've been clear from the text you sent, but apparently it wasn't.

 

IMO, your boyfriend seems really insecure about losing you, which is causing him to act manipulative and controlling. If he offered to Skype during the show, then how were you wrong to accept that offer? You weren't. And frankly, I don't blame you for not wanting him to drive 40 minutes round trip twice just so the two of you can sit next to each other and watch an hour long TV show -- especially since he has to get up for work at 4 a.m. You weren't the one lacking logic -- he was. It's beyond baffling to me that he is blaming you when your truck was in the shop.

 

It is not necessary to see each other every single day. I don't know how you two are even managing with this schedule, to be honest. It's great that you are in love and want to see each other frequently, but as adults life sometimes gets in the way. You are already putting aside your own needs -- gym, errands -- to cater to his. The longer this goes on, you are likely to start feeling bitter and stifled. Do you even have time to see your friends? It seems like he is intent on taking up all of your time when you aren't at work.

 

I think he was unreasonable (not to mention childish) and this is a sign of things to come. But that's JMO.

 

Yes, I agree with the not having to see each other every single night. You both need some space to breathe. I think also the issue with his 4 hrs sleep every night is an important factor and related to this. He could do with 1 or 2 nights per week catching up on his sleep. I know he SAYS he only needs 4 hrs but look at his energy levels. Catatonic you call him somewhere in your post, OP, so facts are he is not doing so well on the regular 4 hrs. So if he gets a few nights a week to go to bed earlier he may be an altogether different person; more energetic, less cranky and coping better with little disappointments. Not seeing each other every single night does not mean you love each other less. There are small things you can do to let each other know you are thinking of each other which are not time consuming. I think you will both benefit enormously from giving each other some room. He should also realize that he hogging all your time and attention will not make you more inclined to live with him anytime soon.

[preraph]

In general, the answer to a question like "I just can't seem to make him happy" is "That's because he's not a happy person."

 

On a more domestic level, I would say that he's probably not all that interested in watching tv with you and is more interested in having sex or whatever stage you're at in approaching that. All I would say is that if he doesn't listen to and understand and TRY TO HELP with your everyday problems like the broken truck, why keep him?? It's going to be all about him every day the rest of your lives!

[Grumpybutfun]

Phoe,

Don't let him make you internalize his insecurities. You both are acting insecure and reacting in fear. The fact that you want to fix things without protecting your own boundaries shows that you have a level of fear that if you don't keep him satisfied and perpetually happy he may leave as others in the past have. The thing is, someone Whom you have a healthy relationship with does everything they can to make you feel safe. They don't find malice where there is none. Having arguments over stuff like this is about as helpful as shoveling sand in the Sahara. It is more helpful to figure out how to live around the sand. Adapt. Communicate. Be compassionate.

If you both haven't done this, it is time to sit down and lay out expectations and boundaries, honestly and without fear of repercussions. Any man worth your time and effort are going to be receptive to making communication a priority and to accept that life is sometimes busy and unfair. Compassion is the hallmark of a great relationship. Sometimes in order to be a good lover, you have to start by remembering how to be a great friend. He wasn't very tolerant towards any decisions you made due to his own insecurities. You both seem to be reacting from a place of fear. Something you need to talk about and get a handle on before you proceed any further.

Best,

Grumps

[Phoe]

On a more domestic level, I would say that he's probably not all that interested in watching tv with you and is more interested in having sex or whatever stage you're at in approaching that. All I would say is that if he doesn't listen to and understand and TRY TO HELP with your everyday problems like the broken truck, why keep him?? It's going to be all about him every day the rest of your lives!

 

He actually is far more interested in this television show than sex with me. Our sex life took a nose dive. Just last week I posted a thread about how he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore.

[lollipopspot]

10 minutes later I get a message saying how he has no patience for my logic today

 

I don't know about you, but I'm a very logical person, and this statement would really irritate me. I would wonder, Does he think I'm generally illogical? Does he respect me? I'd want to talk about this.

 

...just to have to take me back home after an hour when he is ALWAYS exhausted at the end of the night. Every night when I leave he is so catatonicly passed out in bed snoring that he can't even get up out of bed when I leave. That is no state for him to have to drive me back home in...

 

I suppose I should've just agreed

 

No, I don't want to get in a car accident, so I don't want someone who's exhausted to be driving me 40 minutes, or to be driving themselves either and risking their own life or someone else's. It's not safe or responsible to drive like that. Under these circumstances I wouldn't want him to drive either. I don't think you did anything at all wrong by telling him not to come on that particular night.

[StanMusial]

Sounds like you had a shetty day. Don't make things worse by reading some of the shet on here, you could really work yourself into a lather.

[Phoe]

 

WRT the bolded, what DO you base your personal happiness on?

 

I don't have tangible things that create happiness, as long as life is good and harmonious, I am happy.

 

 

I am simply a happy person, I choose to be happy.

 

 

It's only when problems arise (like arguing with someone I care about) that I find myself unhappy.

 

 

By fixing a problem, I can be happy again.

[Phoe]

I don't know about you, but I'm a very logical person, and this statement would really irritate me. I would wonder, Does he think I'm generally illogical? Does he respect me? I'd want to talk about this.

 

I am an EXTREMELY logical person. He is not.

 

 

I use logic and rational thought. He uses emotions and intuition.

 

 

Personality wise, I am kind of similar to the girl from Bones. Smart, logical, always thinking, but socially naive and a bit perplexing to others. My boyfriend actually loves watching bones because it reminds him of me. My grandmother watches the show and says the same thing.

 

 

Unfortunately, my logic typically annoys him. He often wishes I would just stop thinking every now and then. Shut the brain off. But he puts up with that side of me even though it annoys him. Last night though, he seemed to have no patience for rational thought no logic from me.

[Keenly]

I am an EXTREMELY logical person. He is not.

 

 

I use logic and rational thought. He uses emotions and intuition.

 

 

Personality wise, I am kind of similar to the girl from Bones. Smart, logical, always thinking, but socially naive and a bit perplexing to others. My boyfriend actually loves watching bones because it reminds him of me. My grandmother watches the show and says the same thing.

 

 

Unfortunately, my logic typically annoys him. He often wishes I would just stop thinking every now and then. Shut the brain off. But he puts up with that side of me even though it annoys him. Last night though, he seemed to have no patience for rational thought no logic from me.

 

 

If you and I are as alike as I Think we are, I have no idea how you could ever tolerate some one who " has no patience for logic "

 

I have a feeling if he doesn't like logic now, just wait until you two actually get into an argument. (See your moving in thread)

 

I'm sure many posters know how much fun it is to have a disagreement with a person who doesn't beleive in linear, rational thought.

[GoreSP]

What can I do? What can I say?

 

I really have no idea but I just wanted to say I'm really sorry you are going through this. Things seemed to go so well from the start!

 

Do you know if he's going through something stressful (at his job etc)?

[Phoe]

If you and I are as alike as I Think we are, I have no idea how you could ever tolerate some one who " has no patience for logic "

 

I have a feeling if he doesn't like logic now, just wait until you two actually get into an argument. (See your moving in thread)

 

I'm sure many posters know how much fun it is to have a disagreement with a person who doesn't beleive in linear, rational thought.

 

The worst is when my natural instinct is to use even MORE logic. The more logical, the more sense it makes, right? To him, when I force things to make sense, it drives him bonkers. He wants me to just stop thinking and let things just... be. Not question them, not need to know why, not need there to be a reason. Just trust. Have faith. I think a lot of it has to do with him being a devout Christian. His faith in a religious sense transfers over, and he doesn't need to think about things and make rational sense of them, he just trusts and has faith.

 

 

Trying to turn my logic off is a struggle.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Phoe, I understand you wanting to do everything you can to please your bf and make him happy. You love him, I get it...but I must say you're posts indicate a high level of anxiety in the relationship. It sounds like you're so afraid of making a mistake and upsetting him. Are you afraid that he's going to leave you when these missteps happen?

 

A relationship is about give and take and you explained that you both give equally. Still, why do you post as if you're afraid he has one foot out the door? Are you're constantly anxious that if something is "off" or you make a mistake and he gets upset that he'll bail?

 

Every relationship has it's ups and downs, mistakes, regrets, etc. A secure, healthy bond between 2 people will allow for this ebb and flow. Think about whether the anxiety is indicative of a deeper problem in the relationship or perhaps you need to change your mindset a bit. Relax a little.

 

What do you think?

[xxoo]

Whats missing is mutual acceptance. It's ok that you are logical and he is not. You don't have to think about things the same way. You just need to be able to respect each other's point of view.

 

Maybe when he wants you to shut off your logic, what he means is really listen and believe my point of view, even if yours is different.

[pickflicker]

Phoe, we've been sold the line for decades, that "opposites attract". Unfortunately, they don't. Like attracts like. And if this many things are getting on his nerves now, after a few months, perhaps it's just becoming clear that you guys are very mismatched.

 

It might be time to start seriously considering the future of this relationship.

[Keenly]

The worst is when my natural instinct is to use even MORE logic. The more logical, the more sense it makes, right? To him, when I force things to make sense, it drives him bonkers. He wants me to just stop thinking and let things just... be. Not question them, not need to know why, not need there to be a reason. Just trust. Have faith. I think a lot of it has to do with him being a devout Christian. His faith in a religious sense transfers over, and he doesn't need to think about things and make rational sense of them, he just trusts and has faith.

 

 

Trying to turn my logic off is a struggle.

 

You should never feel you need to change a part of yourself in order to conform to some one else's version of compatibility.

[pickflicker]

You should never feel you need to change a part of yourself in order to conform to some one else's version of compatibility.

 

So true. Phoe, the right person will accept your little idiosyncrasies, and even if you annoy them, will talk about it in a kindly manner and not make you feel like dirt.

 

It's always a great idea to improve yourself, and take time to try thing like being more intuitive and less logical, but at the same time, you can't fight who you are.