I just can't seem to make him happy.

[CrystalCastles]

I think relationships shouldn't be this much stress. A person shouldn't have to sh*t bricks to make the other happy. I'm wondering, how did you plan to fit a relationship into your schedule given your stress? How did he? This isn't meant to be an offensive question.

 

I think it was very immature of him to shut down on you like that. To do that is so insulting.

 

I think that you are way too quick to blame yourself. You seem to be always blaming yourself for everything that doesn't go right with your R. That isn't fair to you.

[Ruby Slippers]

You are both in your 20s, a time when people tend to view disagreements and bumps in the road as much bigger problems than they actually are.

 

Relax, breathe, focus on loving and enjoying the good things rather than worrying.

 

Your connection to yourself is the most important connection in the world. As long as you are calm and stable, no one can shake that. And it's a good influence on others.

[gaius]

I think picks advice is good in general phoe but if you had a headache and didn't feel good you shouldn't feel obligated to go all that way just to see him for an hour so he won't feel emasculated. What you were planning to do over skype was fine. His reaction to it was abnormal and symptomatic of being angry about something else.

 

Don't apoligize.

[pickflicker]

I think picks advice is good in general phoe but if you had a headache and didn't feel good you shouldn't feel obligated to go all that way just to see him for an hour so he won't feel emasculated. What you were planning to do over skype was fine. His reaction to it was abnormal and symptomatic of being angry about something else.

 

Don't apoligize.

 

He offered to come to her. She didn't have to do anything.

 

Unless you're contagious - say yes.

[Els]

I think picks advice is good in general phoe but if you had a headache and didn't feel good you shouldn't feel obligated to go all that way just to see him for an hour so he won't feel emasculated. What you were planning to do over skype was fine. His reaction to it was abnormal and symptomatic of being angry about something else.

 

Don't apoligize.

 

If the real reason she didn't want to go was because she didn't feel well, then she definitely does not need to go. But from what I read she didn't even mention that to him, but rather cited her lack of car as the reason. So it seems rather wishy-washy to say 'Oh, but I have a headache' after all that...

 

I agree that his reaction was over the top though.

[Phoe]

I think relationships shouldn't be this much stress. A person shouldn't have to sh*t bricks to make the other happy. I'm wondering, how did you plan to fit a relationship into your schedule given your stress? How did he? This isn't meant to be an offensive question.

 

I think it was very immature of him to shut down on you like that. To do that is so insulting.

 

I think that you are way too quick to blame yourself. You seem to be always blaming yourself for everything that doesn't go right with your R. That isn't fair to you.

 

Well, our schedules have changed drastically since we met, neither of us expected this.

 

 

His line of work typically has him not working during the winter months, but opportunity struck, he was offered off-season work, and he took it. Not only was he not expecting work, but it's MORE work than he expected. Every few weeks it's a new location. At one point it was out of state. He works 12 hour days, and right now it's 6 days a week, soon to be 7 days a week.

 

 

It's good money, making over $30 an hour for all the insane overtime he gets, which is going into savings for us to get a place together in the future.

 

 

Last month I started taking on about 16 more hours a week at my work, in a different department than my usual one, working odd hours, sometimes until 4 in the morning. I am grateful for the work because I need the money so I can save up, but it is just so hard.

 

 

He wakes up for work at 4 am. If I am only just leaving work at 4 am, there is no seeing him. At all.

 

 

We didn't expect it to be this hard, we never foresaw our schedules suddenly going insane, and neither of us intends to give up on a relationship that has so much potential, when we care for each other so much, we are just struggling right now. We know it won't always be like this, but that doesn't make it any easier.

[gaius]

He offered to come to her. She didn't have to do anything.

 

Unless you're contagious - say yes.

She can say no if she has a headache. I don't know what kind of guys you're used to dealing with but she in no way, shape or form blew him off. She offered to do what they talked about during the day and skype with him. And then he hung up on her for it. At this point if she keeps trying to please him and apologize everytime he acts like a dickhead there's a good chance he's gonna start getting really abusive.

[Phoe]

If the real reason she didn't want to go was because she didn't feel well, then she definitely does not need to go. But from what I read she didn't even mention that to him, but rather cited her lack of car as the reason. So it seems rather wishy-washy to say 'Oh, but I have a headache' after all that...

 

I agree that his reaction was over the top though.

 

I had actually mentioned the headache to him earlier, had been hoping the headache would go away, was taking excedrin, drinking coffee to get caffeine, but it wasn't working. He later asked how my head was and I told him it was still hurting.

 

 

Still not really a valid reason.

[Els]

I had actually mentioned the headache to him earlier, had been hoping the headache would go away, was taking excedrin, drinking coffee to get caffeine, but it wasn't working. He later asked how my head was and I told him it was still hurting.

 

 

Still not really a valid reason.

 

If you had told him about your headache previously and also mentioned it when he asked you to come, then it's quite a valid reason IMO.

 

As a side note, coffee usually makes my headaches worse.

[Phoe]

If you had told him about your headache previously and also mentioned it when he asked you to come, then it's quite a valid reason IMO.

 

As a side note, coffee usually makes my headaches worse.

 

I never let a headache stop me before, he probably found it really out of character that I'd let it affect me now.

 

 

Coffee helps if I am low on caffeine, but if I'm dehydrated it will make it worse, in which case I need to chug water.

 

 

Usually when I get a headache, he gets me pedialyte, and I feel better pretty quickly.

[lino]

He seems excessively touchy to me. Not a good sign if he's never happy and you're making genuine effort to please him.

 

PS, don't drink coffee (or any caffeine) if you have a headache!

 

Caffeine isn't something your body gets low on, it's basically a drug.

 

I say this as a proud Italian and MASSIVE coffee drinker.

[pickflicker]

She can say no if she has a headache. I don't know what kind of guys you're used to dealing with but she in no way, shape or form blew him off. She offered to do what they talked about during the day and skype with him. And then he hung up on her for it. At this point if she keeps trying to please him and apologize everytime he acts like a dickhead there's a good chance he's gonna start getting really abusive.

 

It doesn't seem the reason though. The reason seemed the lack of car and her not wanting him to go out of his way. It seems to me, that he read it as "I don't want to see you." Unreasonable reaction or not, this whole thing could have been avoided if she just let him come over for a few hours and then go home. If it's not a migraine, suck it up, and beg off on the next headache.

 

When this thread is read in context with her other one, her bloke is not feeling like a man. She's overdoing it on the caretaking. Now, it might be that Phoe & beau (lol) are not compatible long term. But she could try this method next time and see if the outcome is mute favorable.

[pickflicker]

If you had told him about your headache previously and also mentioned it when he asked you to come, then it's quite a valid reason IMO.

 

As a side note, coffee usually makes my headaches worse.

 

I was going to day the same thing. The best liquid for a headache is water. Caffeine just restricts the blood vessels further.

[Phoe]

It doesn't seem the reason though. The reason seemed the lack of car and her not wanting him to go out of his way. It seems to me, that he read it as "I don't want to see you." Unreasonable reaction or not, this whole thing could have been avoided if she just let him come over for a few hours and then go home. If it's not a migraine, suck it up, and beg off on the next headache.

 

When this thread is read in context with her other one, her bloke is not feeling like a man. She's overdoing it on the caretaking. Now, it might be that Phoe & beau (lol) are not compatible long term. But she could try this method next time and see if the outcome is mute favorable.

 

I just worry that if I stop doing things for him, he's gonna think "Why did she stop doing nice things for me? What gives? What a crappy girlfriend I've got" - but in reality, I'm being a bit of a crappy girlfriend already. I've gotta change something if I want to make him happy.

[pickflicker]

I just worry that if I stop doing things for him, he's gonna think "Why did she stop doing nice things for me? What gives? What a crappy girlfriend I've got" - but in reality, I'm being a bit of a crappy girlfriend already. I've gotta change something if I want to make him happy.

 

It's not about not doing things for him, it's about accepting an offer when he makes it. If he offers to do something, don't question, accept.

 

Obviously, this is in relation to small things such as errands, coming over, etc. Dint move in with him and his mum, that is disaster waiting to happen.

 

One thing at a time.

[Els]

I just worry that if I stop doing things for him, he's gonna think "Why did she stop doing nice things for me? What gives? What a crappy girlfriend I've got" - but in reality, I'm being a bit of a crappy girlfriend already. I've gotta change something if I want to make him happy.

 

 

Phoe, I think you worry too much.

 

Continue doing nice things for him but accept when he wants to do nice things for you too, is my advice.

 

And stop worrying and blaming yourself.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I may be making some assumptions here because I don't really pay attention to every post or detail you write about your relationship but this is my assessment from what I've read so far.

 

First off, sounds like a lack of relationship experience and communication from both ends.

 

Considering the work schedules you both have that never seem to line up or provide a day off, this doesn't really seem to be much of a "relationship" in the sense that you're working on or building on something for the future, you're doing the whole "in the future X will be different, what we are doing now is so that things are better then, and the potential is too great to pass up because of yadda yadda yadda" because you're still in that mindset of the honeymoon period.

 

While in the meantime, you're essentially overlooking the fact that this IS the relationship already, how you communicate, how you compromise and cooperate, understand one another when it comes to REAL LIFE issues, not just fluttery emotions that make everything seem simple and like everything is so magical and will be wonderful forever and ever. Potential doesn't mean shet, in fact what you think is potential tends to turn out to be more than just a fantasy of how you THINK/WANT/HOPE things will be and work in the future, of course when things hit that "perfect" scenario or "ideal" condition, rather than what you're actually dealing with today, because you're sweeping everything happening now under the rug under the impression that this is only temporary and the famous "bumps in the road"...blinding yourself to the current issues and minimizing them.

 

What will likely happen is you'll find more out these current issues will continue to linger and are a sign into the future of how things will work down the road in the relationship, the things you underestimate and determine as insignificant and blame the current situation for, you will see just manifest in different ways...because this is a reflection of how you will deal with issues in the future, how your personalities may clash and how compatible you truly are, however stressful and overwhelming your current lives are now.

 

At any rate, the main concern is how you seem to be extremely paranoid and panicky over the fact that you feel you're losing "control" over this relationship and seem to be willing to stretch yourself to any degree to essentially preserve the current emotional relationship with a lot of "potential" because you're essentially acting like you're having an emotional breakdown over a very minor situation...this raises some issues of how you are going to conduct yourself in this relationship and what kind of dynamic you will bring to it, whether you will just act desperate and essentially bend and apologize for every misunderstanding giving him the incentive to essentially treat you with disrespect and lack of concern, whether actual fault of his, but you wish to retain this "perfect" balance of harmony in your mind and are willing to do everything "right" just so that he stays happy and content and doesn't leave you....so much that essentially turn yourself into the doormat and of course you'll tell yourself he does this or that for you to justify the lack of respect you require for yourself in the relationship...because above all else, regardless of the dynamic, like many women do, you'll sell your soul to the devil practically to save this "love".

 

Of course you're going to go on doing what you're doing and learn because your mind is already made up, and you won't fix your own personal issues and your own insecurities being overcome by emotions, that are perpetuating the mentality you have in this relationship and in your mind I'm sure you feel you're lucky to have him dealing with your issues in the first place, you're probably just elated that someone is willing to accept you with your current "faults"...but it isn't about being "perfect" and just "keeping a man" and being thankful when one finally promises you "potentially" the moon and the stars, it's about maintaining a level of self-respect the enables you to fight for that emotional"equality" of respect in a relationship that prevents you from sabotaging your own relationship, and essentially setting the stage of the dynamic for it in the future...think about how your current actions and mindset is going to influence him and this relationship down the road.

 

Because what I can tell you is, what you're doing now...isn't going to get give you what you want, he's going to take you for granted, he's going to become frustrated with you and then he's going to start criticizing you and pushing you down, and you're going to feel worse and even more desperate, clawing up the walls like a cornered mouse trying to desperately get away, trying to find some "solution" to fix the problem when you're only enabling and encouraging it. You're creating this relationship dynamic right now, for the future.

Edited March 14, 2014 by Ninjainpajamas

[Phoe]

Of course you're going to go on doing what you're doing and learn because your mind is already made up, and you won't fix your own personal issues and your own insecurities.

 

What do I do to fix this?

[gaius]

It doesn't seem the reason though. The reason seemed the lack of car and her not wanting him to go out of his way. It seems to me, that he read it as "I don't want to see you." Unreasonable reaction or not, this whole thing could have been avoided if she just let him come over for a few hours and then go home. If it's not a migraine, suck it up, and beg off on the next headache.

 

When this thread is read in context with her other one, her bloke is not feeling like a man. She's overdoing it on the caretaking. Now, it might be that Phoe & beau (lol) are not compatible long term. But she could try this method next time and see if the outcome is mute favorable.

The vibe I got from their conversation was that she didn't really want to go over to his place and said so by mentioning the truck being in the shop. She had access to a borrowed vehicle so she could have gone if she really wanted to. He then responds by ignoring her needs and demanding she borrow one or he drives her. So then she sticks to her guns and says no, and he punishes her by hanging up on skype. Which is atrocious behavior on his part considering he knew full well she wasn't feeling well and she was still on Skype anyway trying to please him. Their relationship can't be 100% about what he's feeling.

 

Phoe, you do more for him than 99% of the women here do for their boyfriends guaranted. So I'm not sure why you're so down on yourself as a girlfriend. Generally in these cases where a guy can easily steamroll his partner one of two things ends up happening. A) The guy ends up losing interest because there's no challenge or B) He keeps escalating and escalating until you totally turn into a victim of abuse. Either way if you don't stop blaming yourself and get comfortable with your own needs being met it spells disaster for your long term prospects. Please stop blaming yourself.

[Phoe]

The vibe I got from their conversation was that she didn't really want to go over to his place and said so by mentioning the truck being in the shop. She had access to a borrowed vehicle so she could have gone if she really wanted to. He then responds by ignoring her needs and demanding she borrow one or he drives her. So then she sticks to her guns and says no, and he punishes her by hanging up on skype. Which is atrocious behavior on his part considering he knew full well she wasn't feeling well and she was still on Skype anyway trying to please him. Their relationship can't be 100% about what he's feeling.

 

Phoe, you do more for him than 99% of the women here do for their boyfriends guaranted. So I'm not sure why you're so down on yourself as a girlfriend. Generally in these cases where a guy can easily steamroll his partner one of two things ends up happening. A) The guy ends up losing interest because there's no challenge or B) He keeps escalating and escalating until you totally turn into a victim of abuse. Either way if you don't stop blaming yourself and get comfortable with your own needs being met it spells disaster for your long term prospects. Please stop blaming yourself.

 

I felt uncomfortable asking my dad to borrow his truck, as he'd already picked me up from the auto shop once, AND later drove me to the dealership and back after that. I didn't wanna ask him for his truck and have it be taken for a 3rd time that day all for my benefit. I can imagine he'd get grumpy with me if I asked him to take the truck after he'd already given me a favor with it twice.

 

 

Maybe it was silly of me to feel this way. After a long day of truck troubles and a headache my mind just wasn't really thinking very clearly.

 

 

I try to do a lot, but I think I'm doing the wrong things. My attempts to make him happy are all being gone about in the wrong manner. I don't see him becoming abusive, but I could see him getting bored/tired of me and dumping me.

 

 

I'd be torn up if he left me, and I want to do everything I can to fight for him, to be a wonderful girlfriend and make him happy, but if I still continue to fail, I wouldn't blame him for moving on.

[gaius]

Well you're already starting to sound like a beaten woman. Running around trying to figure out why it was your fault he hung up on you.

 

Look, I'm not saying he's a bad guy or you two should break up. But you might be hurtling toward the very thing you fear by not standing up for yourself. That's what most guys find sexy.

[Haydn]

Be yourself, if it feels right then it is right. Sounds like you are trying too hard?

 

 

I felt uncomfortable asking my dad to borrow his truck, as he'd already picked me up from the auto shop once, AND later drove me to the dealership and back after that. I didn't wanna ask him for his truck and have it be taken for a 3rd time that day all for my benefit. I can imagine he'd get grumpy with me if I asked him to take the truck after he'd already given me a favor with it twice.

 

 

Maybe it was silly of me to feel this way. After a long day of truck troubles and a headache my mind just wasn't really thinking very clearly.

 

 

I try to do a lot, but I think I'm doing the wrong things. My attempts to make him happy are all being gone about in the wrong manner. I don't see him becoming abusive, but I could see him getting bored/tired of me and dumping me.

 

 

I'd be torn up if he left me, and I want to do everything I can to fight for him, to be a wonderful girlfriend and make him happy, but if I still continue to fail, I wouldn't blame him for moving on.

[Ninjainpajamas]

What do I do to fix this?

 

Nothing personal Phoe, but I lose a lot of faith in women when in an actual relationships to take any noteworthy advice because in the end they're going to do what they feel impulsively and emotionally overwhelmed or inclined to do for reasons beyond reason or logic, so my advice will be limited.

 

I'm not saying you need to be inhuman or act without feeling, but try to incorporate some self-control and recognize and separate your own personal issues and feelings from your relationship issues, and this anxiety and panic is coming from you...it's not about him, this is something you go through on your own, so why make this about him when you know this is something you've dealt with before him? because chances are that's the case, very rarely do new issues just "pop up" because of a certain man or anyone else for that matter, people merely push a button that releases that insecurity from within you, which often times just means their mere existence.

 

Ask yourself when all of your emotions are racing towards your eyes like you can practically shoot laser beams out of them or when you're feeling that overwhelming impulsive emotion, where that feeling is coming from..what are you truly afraid of? where does that resonate from within you? and is the answer to simply do the easy thing and react based on that feeling? you have to calm yourself in those moments and give yourself space and come to a balanced conclusion that places the responsibility of what happened on both people accordingly.

 

You need to stop yourself from going through that cycle, because the deeper you go in the more clouded you become, then you just become like a robot always trying to rescue a relationship. You need to just step back and go against all those emotions you are feeling in that moment and at that time, you need to attempt to separate yourself and breathe, because you're like a drowning person and all you're going to do is flap your arms and drown yourself, when you could just roll over on your back and float if you take the time to process the situation and collect yourself.

 

But because you let that feeling of...

 

"OMG im drowning, omg I'm drowning, I must flail arms, I know I shouldn't but I can't help myself, I must flail arms, omg it's not working I must flail arms more, omg I'm still drowning and taking in water what a I going to do, so now I'm panicking even more and each moment I panic I cause myself more of this sensation that I'm suffocating"

 

It's just a downward spiral and you already know the drill, you already know that overwhelming sense of urgency that you feel to take control of the situation and try to resolve through in all the wrong ways, you've got to stop yourself from being controlled by those issues and emotions and recognize that they are not legitimate, they are simply irrational fears that are controlling you.

 

You need to communicate and write these things out, you need to understand these issues, these triggers and how these emotions control you so that you are prepared on how to deal with them when they are going off, it'll take practice and communication with yourself. But realize that your partner is not the person you should depend on for this understanding, because most of the time they won't, they'll take everything from their own personal perspective and the only chance they have of understanding you is if you understand yourself and can articulate yourself in a way that they can understand and process.

 

That's why men and women have trouble communicating, they're like two armies in a war, they've got encrypted messages being sent through different technology and different code and when they intercept bits and pieces of information from each other it always come through without the entire context or with complete understanding...it's a small window, then assumptions and made and misunderstanding are created and if you say nothing to each other then you live together in that confusion, trying to unravel the mystery.

 

In a relationship situation, you need to realize that you can't "fix" everything, you can't "save" everyone, you can't make something work with will and love. Instead of thinking along those lines, ask yourself if this is something that is really working...is it working for him and for you? is this making you happy? what are the issues that can be resolved together? those are the right questions, women that think they can just do this magical combination to unlock their wildest dreams and make everything perfect with men and their relationship are doing just that, dreaming...because it's not about forcing anything, it's about two people compromising meeting half-way in a relationship, because that's what it takes for the long-term to truly survive, if you force it, it won't be a happy and satisfying relationship...you end up doing too much of the work yourself and it becomes draining, it requires the effort and desire of your partner to work through everything, you cannot change or make a man do that.

 

So as long as the man is willing and self-motivated to do that with you, then you have a chance to at least work on issues, doesn't mean you can fix everything, sometimes you're not as compatible as you want to be, but that isn't anyone's fault.

 

Now I know, like most women I talk to they want it to be simple...they want this A to B kind of solution that just makes everything right, all this thinking, understanding and work is just too much nonsense, there's just got to be a SIMPLER way.

 

Well, good luck with that.

[xxoo]

Couples irritate each other sometimes. They have misunderstandings and petty disagreements. It's ok. It's nothing you should stress over preventing.

 

Have some confidence. It's ok for him to have a bad day. It's ok for him to be annoyed sometimes. It happens. He'll get over it, and you'll make it up to him.

 

One silly, but helpful, relationship rule is that only one person can be emotional at a time. He's upset, so it's not your turn. It doesn't help anything for you to get worked up, too. The problem arises when it is ALWAYS his turn, and time will tell if that is the case.

[regine_phalange]

I wont comment on his drama queen reaction because its obviously not very balanced.

 

But why didnt you let him pick you up? If its because of the headeache then its okay, but I have a feeling that you just didnt want to "burden" him. Its okay to let others do things for you, especially if they are the ones to mention it. My ex would do that all the time, even when I told him to meet outside, he wanted to pick me up. "No"s can be very disheartening. I feel bad too when I want to do something nice for someone and they feel uncomfortable to accept (eg my mum).

 

Edit; no need to answer my why, I reread the thread

Edited March 14, 2014 by regine_phalange