I just can't seem to make him happy.

[Phoe]

I don't know what to do anymore.

 

I try very hard to make him happy, but sometimes I just can't due to circumstances out of my control.

 

 

I don't know what I can do for him, and it's stressing me out that it seems there's nothing I can do.

 

 

Earlier today he texted me saying he'd like to see me, and if not wanted to skype while watching a TV show we like.

 

 

I figured I'd be able to see him, but the brakes on my truck went out and it's in the shop until tomorrow afternoon.

 

 

I text him before he gets off work letting him know my truck's in the shop. I assume we will go ahead and skype.

 

 

My set-top box was acting crazy today and I was in the middle of trying to reprogram it when the TV show we like comes on. I go ahead and stop trying program it and just let the show come on, knowing I won't be able to DVR it with my cable box in it's current state, so it was watch it now or not at all.

 

 

My boyfriend gets home around the time the show starts so I text him saying "Hey babe, our show is on!" so he can get on skype and we can watch it together. He calls me on the phone and seems annoyed, asking "Why are you watching it without me?? I thought you were coming over!" I say "My truck's in the shop, remember?".

 

 

It's all downhill from here. He wants me to borrow a car from my parents to come see him. Or have him come pick me up and then drop me off. I really don't want him to have to come all the way and get me, just to have to drive me back when he's exhausted from work later, not to mention I have a pretty bad headache anyway.

 

 

I tell him I'll try to pause the show and hope my DVR works (knowing in my head that it really won't work). He goes and showers. We get on skype and naturally my DVR didn't work and I can't watch the show. He then proceeds to cancel his recording of it too. I ask him why would he do that? That it would be most logical to go ahead and record it so that he can watch it or at least we can watch it next time I'm over.

 

 

At this point he shuts down skype without any warning. 10 minutes later I get a message saying how he has no patience for my logic today and he waited all day to see me and now I'm just making lame excuses for why I can't see him and if I really wanted to see him I would make it happen, and that I can make lame excuses all I want but he's not buying it.

 

 

I'm just so stressed and at a loss of what to do. I didn't think I made excuses. I had a handful of legitimate problems that made seeing him tonight just really difficult. ONE night where I could not see him, and it was easiest for everyone if I just stayed home and skyped. But he thinks I'm making excuses (my truck is in the shop!!) and he is now upset with me.

 

 

What can I do? What can I say?

[Phoe]

You're stuck in an endless cycle of pleasing him and you have to realize that you can't.

 

His happiness isn't dependent on you. Happiness comes from himself.

 

If he's not happy but wants you to make him feel better all the time. He's going to have a bad time. There's really nothing you can say or do. He needs to learn that.

 

I just get the sense that he somewhat feels neglected or that I haven't made him a priority. I hate that and wish I could change it.

 

 

I know it's hard for him not being able to spend much quality time with me. It's hard on me too. We both work ridiculous opposite schedules. He works from early morning until afternoon 6 days a week. I work from early afternoon into the night 5 days a week. We only ever can manage maybe 2 hours together at a time, and we're both exhausted during that time. We NEVER have a day off together.

 

 

I want to make this easier on him, but am failing. It's neither of our faults really, but there must be something I can do to make this easier on us.

[Phoe]

If the relationship is that important to the both of you, then you must find time. Rearrange schedules, re-prioritize. It doesn't matter as long as you both are reaching for the same goals.

 

I see him almost every night. As soon as I get off work I go to his house. All my errands and other responsibilities get put off until I have a day off while he's at work, and I take care of everything then while he's away.

 

 

We can't rearrange our work schedules. He can't just say "No" when he's scheduled to work, nor can I.

 

 

But tonight? Seeing him just really wasn't very feasible. And I feel terrible about it, but both of us would've had to bend over backwards just to get that 1 hour in.

[Phoe]

If he's worth it and he thinks you're worth it, the only thing you can do is MAKE TIME.

 

He makes time for me. When he's not at work, he wants to see me. He doesn't care about anything else. Nothing would make him happier than for him to pull up at his house and I'm already there to give him a hug and a kiss.

 

 

I guess in his eyes, my inability to do that makes it appear as though I'm putting in less effort than him.

[Els]

The onus shouldn't be on you to make him happy to begin with. That being said, if he had offered to come and pick you up, and the reason you weren't seeing him was because you didn't have transport, you should have accepted IMO. Although the way he handled your declining wasn't the best either.

 

Phoe, I'm not sure if you answered my Q before, sorry if you did and I missed it. Is this his first R?

[gaius]

I still think he's mad at you on some level over the whole moving thing and being passive aggressive about it.

 

At some point you're probably gonna have to stop taking his awful attitude when he gets like that and kick him in the teeth. Or it's just gonna get worse and worse. You can't please someone out of being a dick to you.

[Phoe]

The onus shouldn't be on you to make him happy to begin with. That being said, if he had offered to come and pick you up, and the reason you weren't seeing him was because you didn't have transport, you should have accepted IMO. Although the way he handled your declining wasn't the best either.

 

Phoe, I'm not sure if you answered my Q before, sorry if you did and I missed it. Is this his first R?

 

I didn't want him making a 40 minute round trip drive to see me, wasting gas when he's struggling with gas money in the first place, after working a 12 hour day, just to have to take me back home after an hour when he is ALWAYS exhausted at the end of the night. Every night when I leave he is so catatonicly passed out in bed snoring that he can't even get up out of bed when I leave. That is no state for him to have to drive me back home in. Not when he has to be back up at 4 am tomorrow morning to drive to work all over again.

 

 

I suppose I should've just agreed, but I would've felt bad. It's too late tonight for me to try to talk to him, he's likely sleeping, but I'll try to talk to him tomorrow morning and apologize for not letting him come pick me up. It probably would've been the best choice to just let him instead of causing this mess.

 

 

I must've missed that Q before because I don't remember seeing it, but no, this is not his first. I don't know which number it is, I only know of 1 girl before me.

[Phoe]

I still think he's mad at you on some level over the whole moving thing and being passive aggressive about it.

 

I do think that's very possible. He sometimes brings it up still.

 

 

I know he feels that if I had just moved in with him, that we wouldn't be having this problem. That he'd be coming home to me every night and even if we only got to spend time together sleeping next to each other at night, that at least we would be seeing each other, and wouldn't have to struggle with making time for me to come over, just for me to go back home again.

 

 

I just did not want to move in.

[Copelandsanity]

After your initial post, I thought it was 2 hours/week! I'm glad that's not the case.

 

This will pass. I hope you two find a moment to discuss the argument, realize that the both of you wanted the same thing - to spend quality time with each other- reaffirm the good of your relationship, and move forward.

 

You both have to make sure to take care of yourselves. That means getting enough sleep (8+ hours), taking the necessary supplements (multivitamin, fish oil, Vitamin D), and squeezing in exercise when you can. By doing so, the two of you will have more energy to make those 2 hours the best they can. Also, perhaps you can use those 2 hours to do activities as a couple that boost energy, such as yoga/stretching (really helps relieve fatigue), a couples massage, Korean spa, or taking a bath together.

[Phoe]

You both have to make sure to take care of yourselves. That means getting enough sleep (8+ hours), taking the necessary supplements (multivitamin, fish oil, Vitamin D), and squeezing in exercise when you can. By doing so, the two of you will have more energy to make those 2 hours the best they can. Also, perhaps you can use those 2 hours to do activities as a couple that boost energy, such as yoga/stretching (really helps relieve fatigue), a couples massage, Korean spa, or taking a bath together.

 

I definitely prioritize the above, but have a hard time getting him on board with that stuff.

 

 

I like getting about 9 hours of sleep, he likes getting about 4 (which I don't understand, but he says it works for him). I take vitamins and eat pretty healthy, but getting him to stick to healthy food is harder, and even when I cook healthy for him, it turns out he snuck in some really unhealthy choices throughout the day.

 

 

I am a gym rat. My gym frequency slowed after meeting him and I definitely felt yucky from it. He was sad about that and joined the gym with me. However, with his hectic schedule, he stopped going.

 

 

We both work labor intensive jobs and are on our feet, moving around, and doing heavy lifting all day. We give each other massages to ease the muscle fatigue every night. We both enjoy that time with each other.

 

 

Getting him on board with the other things though? Not as easy, and I am hesitant to appear like I'm nagging him about it.

[pickflicker]

Ok, if a guy offers to come and pick you up, even if it takes him right out of his way, let him. You are so eager to please him that you're actually reversing your roles here and emasculating him.

 

For the same reason, a boyfriend buys an expensive gift, or an expensive dinner, even though you think it's unnecessary - to HIM, it is necessary, because he wants to take care of his woman.

 

In adopting this caretaker role, you are accidentally emasculating him. So, let him take care of you. The next time your car breaks down and he offers to come out of his way - SAY YES.

 

Ok?

[Phoe]

Ok, if a guy offers to come and pick you up, even if it takes him right out of his way, let him. You are so eager to please him that you're actually reversing your roles here and emasculating him.

 

For the same reason, a boyfriend buys an expensive gift, or an expensive dinner, even though you think it's unnecessary - to HIM, it is necessary, because he wants to take care of his woman.

 

In adopting this caretaker role, you are accidentally emasculating him. So, let him take care of you. The next time your car breaks down and he offers to come out of his way - SAY YES.

 

Ok?

 

Okay, I'll take note of that and consider this a lesson learned on my part.

 

 

I'll apologize for rejecting his offer, I realize that hurt him.

[David87]

Ok, if a guy offers to come and pick you up, even if it takes him right out of his way, let him. You are so eager to please him that you're actually reversing your roles here and emasculating him.

 

For the same reason, a boyfriend buys an expensive gift, or an expensive dinner, even though you think it's unnecessary - to HIM, it is necessary, because he wants to take care of his woman.

 

In adopting this caretaker role, you are accidentally emasculating him. So, let him take care of you. The next time your car breaks down and he offers to come out of his way - SAY YES.

 

Ok?

 

Pickflicker is right, this happened to me in my last relationship. My ex never allowed me to take care of her....

[Phoe]

Pickflicker is right, this happened to me in my last relationship. My ex never allowed me to take care of her....

 

He takes care of me ALOT. Crazy amounts of a lot...

 

 

I was just trying to save him the trouble, but I see now that I was wrong.

[Phoe]

Ugh. I feel nauseous and my chest hurts. I just feel terrible

[David87]

He takes care of me ALOT. Crazy amounts of a lot...

 

 

I was just trying to save him the trouble, but I see now that I was wrong.

 

Doing too much is a turn off, I'm sorry for your pain .

[pickflicker]

He takes care of me ALOT. Crazy amounts of a lot...

 

 

I was just trying to save him the trouble, but I see now that I was wrong.

 

And that's fine, but if he offers more, accept. And then down the line, there will be a situation where you can help me.

 

I speak from experience, I sometimes trip up on my own independenced as well. It just takes practice. There's nothing wrong with a man doing things for you. It's not anti-feminist, it's biology.

[Phoe]

He probably feels pretty unappreciated by me rejecting his offer. I'll apologize tomorrow and let him know I appreciate him very much so.

 

My instinct would be to cook him dinner for when he comes home from his long day at work, as a nice gesture after making him feel bad this evening, but I'm getting the feeling that doing so might be a bad idea? I don't want to emasculate him further if that is truly the issue at hand.

[Els]

I didn't want him making a 40 minute round trip drive to see me, wasting gas when he's struggling with gas money in the first place, after working a 12 hour day, just to have to take me back home after an hour when he is ALWAYS exhausted at the end of the night. Every night when I leave he is so catatonicly passed out in bed snoring that he can't even get up out of bed when I leave. That is no state for him to have to drive me back home in. Not when he has to be back up at 4 am tomorrow morning to drive to work all over again.

 

 

I suppose I should've just agreed, but I would've felt bad. It's too late tonight for me to try to talk to him, he's likely sleeping, but I'll try to talk to him tomorrow morning and apologize for not letting him come pick me up. It probably would've been the best choice to just let him instead of causing this mess.

 

 

I must've missed that Q before because I don't remember seeing it, but no, this is not his first. I don't know which number it is, I only know of 1 girl before me.

 

Well, yes, it would have been inconsiderate of you to ask him to do it. But if he himself insisted on it of his own volition, then you should have let him. Putting myself in his shoes, I'd be asking myself, "She says she can't come see me because her car is being repaired but she doesn't even want to come if I pick her up. Does she really want to see me or not?"

 

Ah, okay, I was thinking it was his first since he seems a bit naive regarding relationships.

[Phoe]

I speak from experience, I sometimes trip up on my own independenced as well. It just takes practice. There's nothing wrong with a man doing things for you. It's not anti-feminist, it's biology.

 

He truly does SO MUCH for me though. All the time. I actually feel very selfish sometimes accepting all the stuff he does for me. I thought it would be more selfless to not put one more thing on him to do for me, by making him drive out here while he's tired.

 

 

I realize that I mucked it up with that bad decision, but the logic was there, right? I truly thought I was being helpful.

[Els]

He probably feels pretty unappreciated by me rejecting his offer. I'll apologize tomorrow and let him know I appreciate him very much so.

 

My instinct would be to cook him dinner for when he comes home from his long day at work, as a nice gesture after making him feel bad this evening, but I'm getting the feeling that doing so might be a bad idea? I don't want to emasculate him further if that is truly the issue at hand.

 

Cooking dinner for him is fine IMO. Not in the same ballpark as refusing his offer.

[napy666]

I would suggest you guys sit down and talk about everything and really see where you guys see your relationship to go or you can just end it.

[Phoe]

Putting myself in his shoes, I'd be asking myself, "She says she can't come see me because her car is being repaired but she doesn't even want to come if I pick her up. Does she really want to see me or not?"

 

Yeah, I can definitely see that now that that perspective has been shown to me. No wonder he doubted me.

 

 

I'm a derpy girlfriend sometimes. I'm lucky he puts up with me most days, haha.

 

 

I'm learning though. Every day.

[Phoe]

I would suggest you guys sit down and talk about everything and really see where you guys see your relationship to go or you can just end it.

 

We do need to talk, mostly I need to apologize and explain that I now see where he was coming from.

 

 

Neither of us have any intentions of ending our relationship over a misunderstanding though.

 

 

For as long as our schedules are this hectic, we are gonna be strained for time, I just need to learn how to be more receptive to his offers to solve a problem, rather than shooting him down to try and save him the hassle.

[pickflicker]

I would suggest you guys sit down and talk about everything and really see where you guys see your relationship to go or you can just end it.

 

The logic is completely sound, OP. And you should never feel "guilty" for your man doing things for you, just as he should not feel guilty when you do things for him.

 

A good rule of thumb - if he offers spontaneously, always say yes.

 

Cook dinner, nothing wrong with that. Over dinner, apologise for not taking him up on his offer. Don't use the word emasculating, just say "I should have accepted your sweet offer, because I think refusing you made you think I didn't want to spend time with you, when that wasn't my intention. I'm sorry."