213m Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 Hello I promised my girlfriend i'll never hurt or fight with her again and yesterday we were arguing and it turned into a big fight , she got really angry and today she told me do you remember you promised me you will never fight again and if you'll do leave me then , i tried to understand her that i'm sorry i didnt know it will turn into fight i dont know what to do I love her alot and wants her back plz help
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 Originally posted by 213m I promised my girlfriend i'll never hurt or fight with her again she got really angry and today she told me do you remember you promised me you will never fight again and if you'll do leave me then Big problems here. First: making promises like that are unrealistic. You can't promise someone that you'll never hurt them again - because rarely do you ever intentionally hurt someone. Your partner feels hurt by things you do, but that doesn't mean you intentionally did them. You are basically saying that you take full responsibility for HER perceptions of the things you do, and for her happiness in the relationship. You can't control what it is she is hurt by, nor can you control how she feels when you do a certain thing. The better thing to do is to ask her what hurts her and then talk about ways that you can do things that won't cause her to feel hurt like that. Her hurt is HER RESPONSIBILITY - if she's hurt, its because she sees you doing a certain thing and CHOOSES to be hurt by it. You can't control that choice: but... you can communicate with her and find out what causes her to hurt and why. Then you make sure that you take responsibility for your OWN actions to avoid her having hurt feelings. As for not fighting. Well, that's unrealistic too. All couples fight on some level. If they don't then that means they are not communicating their fears/anger to each other. Bottling it up inside and playing 'lovey dovey we never have problems' is deeply unhealthy for the relationship. Discontent and resentment will spread in the relationship like a cancer deep inside an outwardly healthy looking person. You don't have to scream or yell though - there are better ways of having disagreements. As long as you can communicate those disagreements then you will have a better chance at success. As for what the girlfriend said: she is holding you to an unfair and unrealistic promise through threats and manipulation. "If you love me you'll..." are fighting words. Spoken by people who have no concern for any needs other than their own - and will use emotional blackmail to get them met. I sincerely hope that your girlfriend is talking about the nature of how you fight and not just expecting there to never be any disagreement or discord. If she is saying that you are not allowed to disagree or argue with her, and that you are fully responsible for her feelings and emotions, then your relationship is basically doomed unless you enjoy discarding your own happiness and needs to see that someone else's needs are being met.
very-confused-girl Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 Hello, it really sounds like your girlfriend is a little bit manipulative and she is having unrealistic requirements, but I dont agree with what LucreziaBorgia said: "Her hurt is HER RESPONSIBILITY - if she's hurt, its because she sees you doing a certain thing and CHOOSES to be hurt by it." Your girlfriend is getting hurt by some actions of yours and she CANT, I repeat - CANT control which things do hurt her and which dont. Thats a chemical reaction, thats emotion that she CANT influence. She is not choosing anything, being hurt happens naturally. You need to talk to her and try to find WHICH things does she get hurt by and try to come up with some compromise.
emopunk Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 To what LucreziaBorgia said, I would have to disagree... The idea that we have a choice as to what hurts us is a little unrealistic as well. Pain, both emotional and physical, is a bio-chemical response that is inherent in all humans. Getting punched produces the same type of response as being verbally "hit." The difference is that our bodies will heal automatically. Emotional/psychological repair is not so automatically dealt with, due to the very nature of our minds. As to what very-confused-girl said, she's right for the most part. Hurt is inevitable. Where I disagree is in that we do have some ability to choose how we deal with being hurt, though not the ability to choose whether or not we get hurt in the first place. Which leads me to agree with both of them in that sitting down and sincerely talking about where the disagreements come from, maybe what causes each of you to see things the way you do, and how best you both can help the other deal with these issues is by far the best solution. But you do have to make sure that the relationship is not one-sided. Manipulation of this implied level is not love, its an assertion of dominance. "If you love me, you'll..." is the perfect example. And using a similar response is not going to help the situation. Just be aware of what exactly you are willing to do for her. And be aware of what unrealistic expectations are. Relationships are not always easy. You will have rocky times. You work through them with your SO and you're both stronger for it. You don't and it becomes increasingly difficult to communicate. It instead becomes a series of powerplays and manipulations. But as always, this is just my opinion...
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