Is this a clique? Breaking them down...

[Tailor2000]

Ok, so the groups I attend, there are some really nice people there, including the one I have/had the crush on, but I realise to move on, I need to just treat them as a friend and just start talking to them. Doesn't help that I admire them as a person anyhow.

 

Thing is, for me, people are always acquaintances in my book until you've met a few times away from the group.

 

I'd really like to get to know some of these people, but by and large, I do find it difficult to do. As the relative newcomer to the group, I hoped that people would invite me to join in with stuff. But I've found that I've actually got to put myself out as well.

 

It's difficult forging friendships with some people. Some are naturally approachable, delightful to talk to, make you feel really at ease with yourself. They have a gift. But there are a good number who turn up go down, then there are the ones who stay but remain in their little groups and are difficult to talk to.

 

Worse still are the ones who are part of cliques and disappear. There's friendship between the more established members than there seems to be with me, as they socialise away from the group, and it seems that everyone thinks everyone else is friendly and approachable.

 

But I think there's quite a few who aren't.

 

So I wonder what's going on? Are these cliques? Are they cliquey people? Should I approach them? What do I do with really busy, like this one person I really look up to, they chat amongst themselves, in their own group and then disappear so you can't approach them.

 

They were previously friendly, would seek you out, talk to you, now they can barely give you the time of day, or look you in the eye unless necessary. Pleasantries is all you get. Now they seem too busy to do anything, and you can't even talk to them, apart from their select group of people.

 

Should I just invite them out for a beer, or a coffee? Say genuinely that I like what they say, what they do, that I admire them and that I'd like to get to know them better? That to me just sounds desperate, but may be a plan.

 

Should I just take one of these people who were chatty before and things were going OK and ask if there's something wrong, if I've offended them? Seems like that could go badly wrong. But Im really close to doing this, because Im getting fed up.

 

And Im talking purely platonic here, friendships with both men and women. It just seems to me that they keep themselves to themselves. I could be wrong. I'd like to find out and explore and break some of these cliques.

[preraph]

Is this a social group or something like a work group or AA?

[Tailor2000]

Thanks Preraph. It's an adult social group. Im clear to say adult because half of this sounds like a teenager! We'll call it a music group. Definitely not AA or anything related to work. It's therefore a friendly bunch, and I do get that some people are in cliques, some keep to themselves, and I figure I just have to try.

 

Im also going to apologise in advance, because much of what I write is still centred around that woman. But I figure it's a good place to start as such an example, but there are others I'd like to meet. And Im happy to drawn a line under the crush and just get back to a friendly nature with her if possible.

 

There are those in the group who will approach me and who are approachable themselves, so the whole relationship is built up in a mutual fashion. I know that if I need anything, I can talk to them. And it's easy to talk to them.

 

But there are others who just seem quite closed. They give openings, talk about things you have in common, comments about doing XYZ together, so you talk about it, suggest it, suggest a date, and they virtually retreat as if you're being too forward. Why did they suggest it in the first place? All talk and no show? I don't believe that about some of them.

 

I believe I can break these people down somehow. Ok, we may not be the best of friends, but it would be better than it is now to build that sort of camaraderie and friendship Im looking for rather than just turning up twice a week, saying hi, and bye and not really knowing anything about anyhow. I'd really like to quite get to know them outside of the group and forge some stronger bonds. There are some I'll even pass on the street, we'll have a good chat, no awkwardness, and that's it. No other social interaction whatsoever. I thought after several years of this, I may at least get to go to someone's party, or be invited out for a drink. It's very frustrating.

 

Im still disappointed in the one "friend" at this place. Im trying to get back the old spark we had. She has time for other people it seems, but very little for me, and I don't know why. Quite a few of the people, even some actually in the little cliques do speak to me and get on well. She went from being very kind and caring, approachable and even approaching me for help, or bringing me onto other projects in the group, to being what I can only call quite rude, avoidant and busy towards me while she still gets on well with her cliques. It's just disappointing.

 

It's like around me, she's become shy, closed off and introverted. She will respond quickly on Facebook, or if I take the first step to talk to her face to face, but she generally won't initiate anything anymore. It's hard for me to initiate when she doesn't give me an opening, is always talking to someone else, and leaves very quickly. It really builds up the awkwardness.

 

I asked her for help on a project, she said yes, and promised. She has never said no, or maybe, but always yes. She still hasn't given me a date, just talks about being busy. I've given her a million excuses to back out of it, but she's quite insistent she wants to do it, wants to help, and is happy to do it, but is busy at the moment if I can give her some time. She has also said I can go round to her house when she's free. Talk about mixed (friendship) signals.

 

I'd say busy was the international signal for, Im brushing you off. But then why qualify everything like that?

 

I suppose she could just be really busy and frazzled.

 

Im on the verge of saying (not to her) that any friendship that requires this much work, is simply not work it and just forgetting about the whole thing, or actually confronting her and just asking if everythings OK and if I've done anything to upset her.

 

But there are so many more people that I get on well with, that I would love to know outside of the group. I just don't know what to do. With her, or with anybody else. Maybe I have no right to expect anything - they have their own lives and perhaps go to the group for an escape. But I've just had enough of isolating myself, and after all these years, I would love for the social interaction to be a little more.

[preraph]

Not sure this is helpful, but from my own experience, one thing I've noticed in a meetup group I attended is that the couples stick with other couples and are mainly interested in meeting other couples, which does leave the single people out there kind of hanging, especially since they're there alone usually with no one to talk to. I'd just advise next time, try talking only to those you know are single, whether male or female doesn't matter, because couples often are only interested in meeting and being friends with other couples.