prevent me from ruining my relationship...

[BlueNight]

I've been with my boyfriend for a year, six months long distance. We see each other once a month. I honestly don't find the distance too hard-when we're together it's honestly so, so good- it's more that communication has gone really downhill, and I feel our communication needs are so different. It started when he got an internship which is very time-consuming. I started to feel neglected when he wouldn't contact me during the day- to be honest I was quite immature about it, but I felt that if he really cared, he could send me a couple of messages. When he got home after working he was always too tired to talk for long, he had to prepare for the next day, eat, etc., and I just started to feel so disconnected from him. When I went to visit him a few months ago I also saw that he'd been viewing his ex's fb profile regularly, even though they're not friends (I wasn't snooping, it came up as a regularly viewed page on his browser). Although he explained this to me, she doesn't mean anything to him, he was just curious etc., I suffer from low self-confidence and ever since then I've been comparing myself to her, I've found ways to make snide remarks about her and their relationship, I'm completely insecure.

 

I need constant reassurance and contact; I've even accused him of cheating, even though earlier on in the relationship I would never have suspected him of that. He thinks I overreact, so he didn't tell me about a female friend having a crush on him. But him not telling me everything makes me think he's hiding worse things from me, my mind goes crazy and I couldn't even say 100% any more that he hasn't cheated.

 

Basically, every few days I find a reason to start an argument; he doesn't contact me enough, he doesn't compliment me enough, he's not interested in me, he prefers his ex/prettier girls etc., and he says I'm overly negative and he's SICK of the constant reproaches, and I don't blame him. Or I tell him I'm breaking up with him, just to get attention, because deep down we both know I'm bluffing. I KNOW that to make the relationship better I have to feel better in myself, be more positive, more relaxed, but I just don't know HOW. This is something family members have picked up on for years; I'm hyper-critical of those closest to me. I expect them to prove their love for me in different ways.

 

Although, my boyfriend often doesn't do the things he promises he will, which leads to me distrusting him more; sometimes he says he'll call at 8, but calls at 10 instead. Something I would NEVER do to him. Or, for example, he says he's desperate to start writing letters to me, but he doesn't. I've been asking him about this 'letter' for three months.

 

Anyway...thanks for reading...if there's anything, as small as it is, that you can suggest, or say to clarify the situation, I would be extremely grateful.

Edited March 13, 2014 by BlueNight

[d0nnivain]

the next time you feel yourself needing constant reassure & thinking about starting a fight, learn to self soothe.

 

 

Instead of freaking out on him, go to a quiet place & for at least an hour repeat some version of "He's a good, loyal, steady, trustworthy guy. I believe in him & us. It will be OK. I get to see him in x days."

[BlueNight]

the next time you feel yourself needing constant reassure & thinking about starting a fight, learn to self soothe.

 

 

Instead of freaking out on him, go to a quiet place & for at least an hour repeat some version of "He's a good, loyal, steady, trustworthy guy. I believe in him & us. It will be OK. I get to see him in x days."

 

Thank you...you're right, I do need to think before I speak. The problem is, I just feel so justified, like I care more about the relationship and it frustrates me. If I feel like there are problems in the relationship, I want to discuss them, whereas he sees that as me picking a fight, so I can't say anything and the resentment builds up :/

[d0nnivain]

Rephrase how you start the conversation. Instead of accusing, ask him how he feels about certain things.

[justwhoiam]

if there's anything, as small as it is, that you can suggest, I would be extremely grateful.

 

Here's your personal decalogue:

 

1) Men tend not to take everything as seriously as you do.

 

2) When he states his will/intention of doing something, ask when he's going to do that, otherwise it will remain just vague. After that you will have a deadline.

 

3) Be nice to him, and expect him to be nice to you in return.

 

4) Nagging will push him away.

 

5) Be positive. Negativity will be like a boomerang and affect your relationship.

 

6) When everything is fine, nice words will fly back and forth.

 

7) Be understanding. He may not share every single nuisance he's going through, but because of things happened during the day, he might be sad, frustrated, mad, etc. Do not add up to the list of things gone wrong.

 

8) Bright his days with something cool every day. You are his girlfriend and should not have rights only, but also a few duties. Embrace them with happiness.

 

9) Love him the best you can. That also means get over something now and then. With no fuss.

 

10) Learn to educate him, so that you keep on the same wavelength even while being far away from each other.

[BlueIris]

I have no idea if it will help, but when I’m anxious, I do hot yoga. I like Bikram for the routine. It forces you to redirect and let go of worries, the monkey mind. Maybe try that for 10 days straight and see if you feel a difference.

 

Long distance can be difficult, but its part of the package in your relationship. I’ve known both men and women who just can’t have a relationship like that. They want more contact and connection. Maybe if you view it that way, you can see your being with him as a choice and some of the stress will dissipate.

[BlueNight]

Here's your personal decalogue:

 

1) Men tend not to take everything as seriously as you do.

 

2) When he states his will/intention of doing something, ask when he's going to do that, otherwise it will remain just vague. After that you will have a deadline.

 

3) Be nice to him, and expect him to be nice to you in return.

 

4) Nagging will push him away.

 

5) Be positive. Negativity will be like a boomerang and affect your relationship.

 

6) When everything is fine, nice words will fly back and forth.

 

7) Be understanding. He may not share every single nuisance he's going through, but because of things happened during the day, he might be sad, frustrated, mad, etc. Do not add up to the list of things gone wrong.

 

8) Bright his days with something cool every day. You are his girlfriend and should not have rights only, but also a few duties. Embrace them with happiness.

 

9) Love him the best you can. That also means get over something now and then. With no fuss.

 

10) Learn to educate him, so that you keep on the same wavelength even while being far away from each other.

 

Thank you! I should look at this list every day until it sinks in...

I feel like, because of the pointless arguing, our relationship is on the rocks. I really want to make things work. I'm worried I've pushed him too far and it's too late.

 

What do you mean by number 10, educating him?

 

thanks again

[BlueNight]

I have no idea if it will help, but when I’m anxious, I do hot yoga. I like Bikram for the routine. It forces you to redirect and let go of worries, the monkey mind. Maybe try that for 10 days straight and see if you feel a difference.

 

Long distance can be difficult, but its part of the package in your relationship. I’ve known both men and women who just can’t have a relationship like that. They want more contact and connection. Maybe if you view it that way, you can see your being with him as a choice and some of the stress will dissipate.

 

I definitely do need to take up some exercise...I know I need to work on making myself feel better inside. I'm just worried that I care more about the relationship, about communication and having a future plan, but it comes across as clingy and needy :/

Thanks for the advice

[ThisGal]

It's not like you're unaware of your faults, I mean you listed everything that you do that is detrimental in your relationship....accuse him of cheating, start fights, nag him, blame him, blah, blah, blah. Change! It's up to you to make some positive changes. Nagging does nothing but make things worse. You need to stop acting like a child and do as I tell the little girls at my school, use your 'big girl' words. Yes, you have told him how you feel but it's HOW you say it that makes the difference. If your approach is defensive and negative he will want to respond the same way or may shut down.

 

It is NOT cute acting like an annoying girlfriend. Insecurity is not good. Even if you have to fake the confidence until you believe it. Give him respect and expect respect in return. Treating your man like a little boy won't help.

 

Yes long distance is tough, I'm in one myself. I trust my man completely. You need to do the same or get out of the relationship if you have trust issues. Stop spying on him, stop asking him about his ex. Stop. Stop. Stop.

 

Time for you to sit down and reflect on YOU. What makes you act this way? Insecurity? Trust issues? Why the need for constant reassurance? Low self-esteem. Work on your issues....or you'll end up causing a strain on your relationship.

 

Ultimately, the only person that can prevent you from ruining your relationship is YOU.

Edited March 19, 2014 by ThisGal