onthemend Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 Advice please! Broke up with b/f 2 weeks ago. We said we would still be friends though. I'M not ready emotionally for the friendship stage yet as the brake up is still to raw, I was and am very sad about it. Hes called and txted - I have answered the txts but haven't called him. He knows I'm doing a sailing course and wants to know how its going and what I am up to. What does he want and should I keep on responding? Would he genuinely want friendship after a relationship or is he 'keeping his options open'? Thanks
Oriental Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 Hi, it's not very clear what he wants. in fact it's possible that he doesnt even know. each situation is different. some people use that as an excuse to make the other party feel better; some sincerely think they should become friends; some want to keep the option open for future but sure that they dont want a romantic relationship now................ if you are not sure about how you handle things why not tell him that. let him know you are finding it hard to decide at the moment and want to be alone for a while but will contact him when you know. best, O.
chica Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 It sounds as though you did the breaking up - is this right? It's often easier to stay friends if the romance ending was a mutual decision, or if it just slowly died out. Relationships that are especially tumultuous or go out with a bang are often to full of intense emotion to establish a solid friendship. Maybe he still wants to be with you, or simply misses the closeness and being up to date with what's happening and having someone to tell his thoughts to? As Oriental said, you should tell him how you are feeling and why it's difficult. The romantic relationship may be over, but if you truly want to have a friendship in the future, try to be honest now or he may not trust your intentions or feelings later. good luck, chica
alphamale Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 i personally recommend that you should not be friends with an ex unless you have kids together in which case you have no choice. friendships between exes usually don't work out anyways over the long term.
Weird Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 being friend with an ex is hard and usually does not work out. Yes, some men can be friends with an ex and some can't...the same is for women.
Author onthemend Posted January 27, 2005 Author Posted January 27, 2005 Thanks for all your input. It seems that from the responses that the men who replied think that it isn't a good idea and the women who replied think it can work. Thats interesting! It was a mutual decision to break up - but he was the one who actually said ' I think we should just be friends' I know in my heart of hearts that he's right though. He hasn't texted back since I replied to his text a couple of days ago so I will just leave it be. There is a chance that we could bump into each other at the weekend and that is not good to know as it will very difficult for me to cope with. God - the things we go through
Weird Posted January 27, 2005 Posted January 27, 2005 I say it usually doesnt work based on personal experience and also with friends of mine. It wasn't a deadset against friends thing from the start but trying the friendship just did not work. I will never again try and be friends with an ex. It is a waste of my time. Obviously for others it isn't. You just have to see which group you fit into:)
debs Posted January 27, 2005 Posted January 27, 2005 No staying friends after a break-up in most cases does not work out in the end. There are exceptions, I am friends with someone who I dated in my late 20's. I am near 50 now so that is an exception. My daughter was friends with a guy, she dated him for a year then they did break-up but remained friends. I talk to him as well! He is a Great kid! I can say it requires allot of work and allot of dealing with I told you so! But in the normal sense no! It does not work!
chica Posted January 28, 2005 Posted January 28, 2005 I am very close friends with 2 of my exs - I had quite serious relationships with each of them and we have remained friends over the years. If 2 people simply grow apart, or find that on a romantic level or in terms of a partnership they are no longer on the same page - it can work. I think it's different if there is deep resentment or had been infidelity. I love these guys dearly and don't have any major criticisms of them - we just weren't right within those parameters any longer. If there is mutual respect and an ability to be mindful of feelings and obviously a period in which the late relationship is paid its' dues, I know it can work. There is something VERY valuable about having a close and honest friendship with someone that knows you on an even deeper level. And I love the fact that they get along with my bf too! What a bunch of open and special guys! It's hard at first - whether you can ultimately be mates or not. I hope it works out for you onthemend.
Sharmaine Posted January 28, 2005 Posted January 28, 2005 I'm friends with an ex too, an ex I broke up with over a decade ago. I reckon it depends upon how long a couple have been seperated as to whether they can successfully remain friends or not. In regard to a recent breakup such as yours (two weeks), no, I don't think it's possible to stay friends, nor should you stay friends too soon after the breakup IMO. It's best to let go, move on and perhaps in a few months time, then you can consider being 'friends'. Normally the 'let's be friends' that sometimes comes after a breakup, is said merely to ease any bad feeling or hurt. Or one half of the couple (normally the one dumped), might say 'let's be friends' because they are still living in hopes that they will get back together. The 'dumper' might say 'let's be friends' because they want to keep you on the sidelines incase nothing better shows up. JMO anyway.
alphamale Posted January 28, 2005 Posted January 28, 2005 usually what I see is that it is the "nice" folks who want to remain friends with their exes. not so nice folk or those who are a bit more selfish just tend to put people behind them and move on with their lives.
Sharmaine Posted January 28, 2005 Posted January 28, 2005 usually what I see is that it is the "nice" folks who want to remain friends with their exes. not so nice folk or those who are a bit more selfish just tend to put people behind them and move on with their lives. My ex must be a bit of both...... He didn't want to be 'friends' with me and we didn't remain friends, after our breakup. But 10 years after the breakup, he comes searching me out saying he wants us to be friends, which we now are.
BeachBummer Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 I've managed to maintain friendships with ex's. Whether it will work depends on a lot of things...how long/how far the relationship went, how the breakup occurred and how much time since it happened, do you have friends in common, etc. Both people have to want it, obviously. Probably the biggest predictor is whether or not either or both of you are dating others. If both or neither are, it would be easier, if one is and the other isn't, well...the odds aren't good. Personally, once I have that bond with someone I find it hard to just forget it unless the end/breakup is really bad. But I'm fortunate in that most of my ex's don't go right out and jump on some other guy! Once you get over the emotion of the breakup, give it a shot and see what happens...
DoggyDog Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 I believe a man's idea of friends if "Friends with Benefits". Everything they still want to be the same but no boyfriend/girlfriend ties. This is my experience. And you know what----this is what I want too when I'm bored. "Just CALL A FRIEND".....But if there is still hurt from my side----NOPE, can't be your friend til I get over you as my "boyfriend" or "husband"...whichever!! L DD
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