MyOwnWorstEnemy Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 (edited) This may be long and I apologize for that. I just need some opinions, thoughts, advice and maybe a little support. My question is, can porn addiction be considered cheating? Please read the situation before answering. I know this is a touchy subject. So, here it goes. My H was completely addicted to porn. For nearly 12 years I put up with this behavior. It got worse and worse over the years. To the point that he would be on porn sites the second I left the room. He would be on them on his phone at work, when I went out, took a shower etc. He would even not join me at night for bed claiming to either not be tired or have work to do to watch porn. The more I said something about what I found, the better he got at hiding it. I expressed that it hurt me. He didn't care. I expressed in great detail how much it hurt me and why. I told him how it made me feel unwanted, unloved, fat, ugly and so on. I was nothing compared to the girls he was looking at or talking to. Apparently those were my issues and again, he didn't care. I found him trying to go on free live webcam sites. Even found profiles he had created on amateur sites where he did message girls to comment on the pics they had posted. Or telling them "I wish my wife would do that". Just to clear something up, I am not at all a prude in the bedroom. The more I confronted him, the worse things got. He began getting physical with me when I would confront him about what I had found. He hit me more than a few times, throw things at me or push me into things and get in my face and yell. Even chocked me once until I nearly passed out. He would act like it was my fault that I had a problem with it. He would start emotionally attacking me, my character, the way I was as a wife and mother. He would tell me he hates me and he wished I would just leave. He even left me a few times because I would catch him hiding things. Even told me that he would choose porn over me and he actually did and walked out when I told him it was me or porn. He chose porn. I was so desperate to hold on to him that I started doing more and more behind closed doors to try to get him to want me and not porn. He had numerous fake email accounts over the years. I've caught him chatting with other woman and asking woman to send him pics of themselves. I even found a convo between him and an ex where he was telling her all of our marital problems. Even telling her that she was always an amazing girl and that he probably didn't mean as much to her as she did to him. The part that hurt the most was when he told her that if his wife ever found out that he was telling her our problems that she would probably leave him. Which included a LOL after. 12 years...12 long years I went through this. I stayed with him because I love him so much. I've brought up that I feel like what he had done to me over the years felt like the same betrayal as a cheating spouse. He feels I cannot compare the two. Am I wrong to feel that all the lies, sneaking around, talking to woman etc is a similar betrayal? I see people talk about triggers and I have triggers for everything I went through. If porn comes up in a television show, I want to cry. If I see something on tv about cyber sex, chat rooms etc, it makes me think of all the times he hid things from me. If I go on a computer and get porn pop ups, or live webcam adds, it makes me wonder if he's still doing it. I stopped checking his stuff about a year ago but I was still finding him talking with other girls up until then. He claims he's stopped but I just recently found new email accounts that I didn't know about that don't have the same passwords he uses for everything else. I found something in his phone that looks like a confession letter to hooking up with someone but it's not finished and I don't know what to make of it. Written 2 years ago. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm overreacting. Is it really my problem and insecurities with myself? Edited March 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
angel555 Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 You were in this for 12 years? He surely has issues.If hes upfront about having marital problems and talking to girls to do things for him.I think hes doing more thank cheating. Domestic violence is what this is. Please make sure youre out of this.You may love him but deserve to be respected and treated well. I would suggest you talk to a close family member about this and get him into therapy. If it still doesnt work,I think you should really consider having a new life on your own. Trust me youre not over-reacting.Youre right to feel this way.And always always I say trust your intuitions. Stay strong! My prayers are with you!! 2
grassisorisntgreener Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Oh my gosh, even if he isn't cheating physically, you need to get out of there. You deserve so much better than to be treated this way!! 4
Fluttershy Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 You are a victim of abuse. You need to seek help at a woman's shelter or call a hotline. Just because the physical abuse has stopped doesn't mean things are okay. It means you have been put in your place and don't stand up for yourself anymore. You did not deserve any of that. Yes, porn and chatrooms are cheating when done like this. You say he chose porn over you and yet you stayed. You need to choose you and your children's wellbeingover him. Get help today! Please, you don't deserve this life. 1
oldshirt Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Whether porn is cheating or not is immaterial. He's a bad man who mistreated you and doesn't love, admire or respect you. He has given you his blessings to leave. You should do so. The fact that you claim to "love" him is testimony to your own dysfunctions, insecurities and self-image issues. You need to seek counseling and therapy to give you the insight, strength and wherewithal to salvage the rest of your life and move on. 4
Artie Lang Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 you need to remove yourself from this toxic situation, pronto. this man has done severe damage to your self-esteem and emotional well-being. 5
d0nnivain Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 I don't think it's cheating but it's certainly not healthy
pteromom Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 You are too hung up on the label of "cheating". It doesn't matter if it is cheating or not. Is this how you want to be treated? Is this the marriage you want? Do you think you deserve more? This has nothing to do with insecurities. Even the most secure woman in the world wouldn't just sit back while her husband talks to girls on webcams and creates profiles, etc. Of course, the first time he hit you, you should have been out the door! Your uncertainty about what to do is just another consequence of his abuse. If he hit you, then he's been working on you emotionally for years, and has you to the point where you feel worthless and like you cannot live without him. But that is NOT TRUE. You need to quit obsessing over being a detective, and instead focus on getting yourself out of there. There is a better world for you outside of this dysfunction.
oldshirt Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 You need to quit obsessing over being a detective, and instead focus on getting yourself out of there. There is a better world for you outside of this dysfunction. This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 2
Spark1111 Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Yes! yes! Yes! Once he kept it a secret, he knew it was wrong, he just did not care enough about your feelings to stop. NO different than a mistress. Some men do become porn addicts. it overstimulates a part of their brain and the thrill the rush begins to affect all their interpersonal relationships. They begin to lose them. They become totally desensitized to their partner, but then iit begins to affect all other relationships. They start crossing into riskier behavior, more time, more money, more strangers, more images. Think about it. How pathetic is it to have a living, breathing woman in your bed who desires to be with you FOR YOU, but you can't leave that new, air-brushed, instantly moaning (haha,) male fantasy image? Get out now. Put on your high heels and best make-up, pack a bag for you and the kiddos and leave him to those flickering images of disease-ridden strangers. No woman OR man should have to compete with perfect images on a screen. You will NEVER win this scenario. You will never get the time, attention, respect and affection you as a wife deserve from him. And you deserve it.
waterwoman Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Does it matter what you call it? You need to get out or best of all kick him out. Horrible man! So sorry x
atreides Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 (edited) wow... ok we get caught up so much in the medium and miss the real point. Porn in of itself is not the issue and therefore not cheating in the context of infidelity. He is an addict and should be treated as such, whether it be gambling, alcohol, drugs or porn. All mediums can take time away form you, he could be out drinking or gambling for example. You are too caught up in the specific medium of his addiction, get him help and not look at this as cheating. Other posters state about secrets, well to me it's not cheating even with secrets, ALL ADDICTS hide and keep secrets to keep the addiction. I lived it with a father who was also an addict. Get him help if you love him. With professional help and breaking the addiction all the false contexts of the "perfect image on screen" will vanish. Also, talking to women IS NOT PORN... Porn is read only, one way, talking with women in these chats is a different animal. His addiction is moving him beyond like a drug addict seeking the higher rush. Please if you do love him, get him professional help or make it a condition of staying with him. IF he refuses, you have no choice and you lost him to his addiction. Better though for your own sanity to move on in that case. Edited March 13, 2014 by atreides 1
jnel921 Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 This man has hit you and pushed you around. He clearly loves his porn more than you. Why do you want to be with him? You haven't mentioned any redeeming qualities that would support that. 1
atreides Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 This man has hit you and pushed you around. He clearly loves his porn more than you. Why do you want to be with him? You haven't mentioned any redeeming qualities that would support that. My father hit my mother, he was an addict... but he got help and my mom stayed. Had she not, my brother and life after that incident would have never been. My parents are going on 50+ years of marriage and happy. It's super hard to live with addicts and even harder to get them to get help, but so many here are caught up on PORN.... there are far worse addictions... OP if you love him, get him the help he needs and if he refuses, then at least your tried and have no choice in the matter but to move on. For my father, I think i helped him realize his addiction and to get help. I remember catching him as a young kid and asking him why. He broke down
BetrayedH Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 Take a look at your marital vows and ask yourself if he's keeping his end of the bargain. He may or may not be cheating but there's a lot of broken vows going on here (and a lot that most would consider dealbreakers).
dragon_fly_7 Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 Wow, it amazes me how my gender seems to be the most tolerant and forgiving one most of the times. I wonder how much will a man put on with that treatment if we were to treat him as poorly as possible or masturbate over the internet with other men?? He'll more than likely be packing his bags on that same day. I guess men get taught pride from an early age. Why can we women be taught that??? OP, don't you want to find a decent man that isn't a porn addict nor abuses you physically??? Please dump him.
harrybrown Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 He is selfish. He cares about himself. He is an addict. Unless he gets help, which I do not think he will, he will not change. Please take care of yourself. I would tell my daughters to get out of this situation. I do hope you will try to get out of this situation. Take care of yourself, he is not helping you at all. It is not about you. It is about his addiction. Do not take the hit on your self-esteem. 2
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