lovestruck55 Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months, and we get along great and are both in our mid 20s. About two months ago he told me I had the right (and privilege as his girlfriend) to ask for his Facebook password, or go through his phone if I ever felt the need to do so. He believes there's no such thing as privacy between couples, and he has nothing to hide. I felt it was enough for him to tell me that for me to feel much more confident and secure in our relationship. I did indeed feel special, but felt no desire to really go through his phone or Facebook, and to be quite frank, I'd feel very uncomfortable intruding someone's privacy that way. Shortly thereafter, a mutual friend of ours (She knew him before I knew him) told me how he also used to share his password with her - and they were merely friends (not a couple). After knowing he also shared passwords with her who was just a close friend, I assumed that Facebook privacy wasn't a big deal for him. I, on the other hand, take my privacy very seriously and wouldn't give anyone but my significant other access to that information. However, I forgot about the whole situation and didn't think of it as much. Yesterday, my boyfriend offered his Facebook password randomly, without me asking because he wanted to make me feel special. Though, I acknowledged it was a nice gesture, I just asked him if he still shared his passwords with other close friends as well - and if that was the case, I didn't see this action of his as a "girlfriend privilege." He felt like I was judging him for sharing his password with friends in the past, and was disappointed that I did not feel as special as he intended for me to feel. I'm just confused about this whole sharing passwords situation, and frankly don't even know how I feel about it anymore. Initially, just him offering his passwords was good enough for me. Now I feel like, I'm supposed to feel "special" about given that privilege.. But if he's been so open about sharing passwords with merely friends, than how exactly is this a girlfriend privilege? Just interested in knowing everyone else's taking on sharing passwords. Thank you in advance!
Mascara Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 He probably shouldn't have made a big deal about it. I have my boyfriends password on several things on a need to know basis - he just does it casually "can you get me some cash while you're out, here's my PIN".... "Can you check something on my phone for me, here's the passlock". If it was a formal thing such as your situation I'd think it a bit odd too. 2
Emilia Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Just interested in knowing everyone else's taking on sharing passwords. Thank you in advance! He wants to know yours. 5
PegNosePete Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Wow. What a romantic he is. Tell him that sharing passwords doesn't make you feel special. Being taken out to dinner, bought flowers and chocolates, and romantic walks along the river by moonlight makes you feel a lot more special than being given permission to cyber-stalk him on a social networking website.
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Kind of weird that his friends have access to his account also... What's the point of that, actually?? But yeah, it could just be an attempt for him to show he trusts you (although he kind of clumsily did it). Or as the poster said above, be prepared bz he might be using this as a intro into asking for your password. Has he accused you of doing anything shady recently?
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 You have to ask yourself, what will sharing passwords accomplish? It's not about trust, it's a violation of privacy under the guise of trust. Why not share your email password? How about your phone? Even when there's nothing to hide, everyone has a small expectation of privacy and that should be respected. Why not just cut the bs out and both of you share one phone, one email address, one Facebook account. Does that sound like a loving relationship? I'm gonna disagree with you on this one (and I might have a minority opinion on this matter). But I don't see the issue with partners knowing each other's fbook passwords or looking through phones. If there's nothing to hide then what's the big deal? And privacy? What stuff is going to be on your facebook that is so special unto yourself? Is the dr's office sending your recent lab results via fbook messenger? Do you plan surprise parties for your partner every day of the week? I just don't get it. Facebook is such a relatively new facet to relationships that who knows what's the rule and what isn't. So to each his own. But I've never understood the whole "I need my privacy" thing. I had some relationships where they asked for my password and I gave it. Maybe they had trust issues. Anyway, I did what I could to ease their issues bz it really didn't bother me at all. I never had anything to hide or any secrets I needed to keep. Though I will say, asking for a password is kind of rude. Not good form on their part. If a partner wants to give a password to the other to help reinforce trust, fine. But no partner should ever demand a password from another. That's not cool.
Copelandsanity Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 The best gift a partner could be give me would be deleting all of their social media 1
Shepp Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 I don't understand why anybody would ever want somebody elses facebook password? I have no desire for my gf's, I have my own facebook I don't need hers.......actually its a pain cause she stays logged in and I never realise straight away. Everyone seems to make such a big deal about this and I don't get it - I couldn't care less one way or the other tbh. Its not symbolic in any way shape or form and it seems pointless to me. My girlfriend can have any password she wants if its a matter of sending something to herself or sharing something between our laptops or getting an address or whatever......id be annoyed if she wanted it to check up on me though - you trust me or you don't, passwords mean **** all. 4
pteromom Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 You don't have to feel special for that reason if you don't want to. There is no reason to be bothered by his friends also having his password. Unless... he is giving you the password as a gesture of love and trust INSTEAD of doing the things he is SUPPOSED to be doing in the relationship, like being loving, considerate, respectful, kind, faithful, etc. If he's using giving you a password as some kind of grand gesture, then yes, that would be annoying. As far as sharing passwords, unless a partner is unfaithful and then has to be transparent to regain trust, there is no reason to do so. Just because you enter a relationship doesn't mean you meld into one person, and each person should have a degree of privacy. Trust isn't about giving your partner access to EVERYTHING; it is about trusting your partner to keep you in mind when you AREN'T around, and that includes on social media.
Chocolat Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 You have to ask yourself, what will sharing passwords accomplish? It's not about trust, it's a violation of privacy under the guise of trust. Why not share your email password? How about your phone? Even when there's nothing to hide, everyone has a small expectation of privacy and that should be respected. Why not just cut the bs out and both of you share one phone, one email address, one Facebook account. Does that sound like a loving relationship? If I could like this post more than once I would. I'm gonna disagree with you on this one (and I might have a minority opinion on this matter). But I don't see the issue with partners knowing each other's fbook passwords or looking through phones. If there's nothing to hide then what's the big deal? And privacy? What stuff is going to be on your facebook that is so special unto yourself? Is the dr's office sending your recent lab results via fbook messenger? Do you plan surprise parties for your partner every day of the week? I just don't get it.. The desire for (and right to) privacy has nothing to do with what someone has to hide and everything to do with healthy boundaries. Just because I am in a relationship does not mean that I no longer have the right to private conversations with others. That's the libertarian in me talking. From a purely practical perspective, shared passwords are meaningless. If someone wants to cheat or otherwise avoid transparency, it is beyond simple to acquire a disposable phone or alternate email address. Either there is trust or there isn't. Policing one's partner makes no sense, imo. 2
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 If you're asking for a password to get into your partner's private matters, that indicates a level of distrust. Even if you have nothing to hide, everyone is entitled to their own privacy. Each person should have a level of privacy when they're engaging in conversations or activities with their friends. There are things you don't want to share with your partner and that should be understood and respected. If I want to have a private conversation via FB with a friend, why should my partner be allowed to access it? It has nothing to do with them. You can't buy into the mindset that "if you have nothing to hide, then why worry". It's a level of privacy regardless of your personal reasons. This is akin to having the government install cameras in your house. Why worry if there's nothing to hide right? The people who engage in this behavior are showing signs of insecurities. Distrust opens the door for negative emotions and activities to creep through. Passwords are just the beginnings. Behavior like this can easily grow into jealousy, resentment, and controlling actions. Even when you're not doing anything wrong, it's quite easy for people like this to assume and question things. The mind is easily warped and create fantasies out of nothing and people with these tendencies typically turn out to be manipulative. I respect your perspective. I'm still ok with the sharing password thing. Just don't see it as an invasion of my privacy. But to each his own.
Emilia Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 I respect your perspective. I'm still ok with the sharing password thing. Just don't see it as an invasion of my privacy. But to each his own. That's ok as long as you accept that your partner might not feel the same way. 1
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 If I could like this post more than once I would. The desire for (and right to) privacy has nothing to do with what someone has to hide and everything to do with healthy boundaries. Just because I am in a relationship does not mean that I no longer have the right to private conversations with others. That's the libertarian in me talking. From a purely practical perspective, shared passwords are meaningless. If someone wants to cheat or otherwise avoid transparency, it is beyond simple to acquire a disposable phone or alternate email address. Either there is trust or there isn't. Policing one's partner makes no sense, imo. Well the person that asked me for mine had trust issues from previous relationships. I gave my pass and I really don't think they even logged into my account. I guess they just wanted that reassurance up front and they kind of were at ease after that..? Maybe the whole thing of facebook and cheating becoming such a thing in so many relationships bears some weight.
Emilia Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Well the person that asked me for mine had trust issues from previous relationships. I gave my pass and I really don't think they even logged into my account. I guess they just wanted that reassurance up front and they kind of were at ease after that..? Maybe the whole thing of facebook and cheating becoming such a thing in so many relationships bears some weight. See I wouldn't have done that because to me it would indicate that the person wasn't ready for a trusting healthy relationship. 4
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 That's ok as long as you accept that your partner might not feel the same way. Well yeah and to reiterate, I am actually against asking for passwords. If people want to give em, fine. But I would never personally ask for one. Firstly, it's rude and I'd rather use my instincts rather than police or snoop. 2
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Trust is the foundation of a good relationship. If they have trust issues, they're looking to satisfy that fear. Even if you have no issues with giving them your passwords, their fear will continue and it leads to other questionable behavior. It becomes a vicious cycle that puts the relationship at risk. What you say is true and proved to be true in that respective relationship
Shepp Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Well the person that asked me for mine had trust issues from previous relationships. I gave my pass and I really don't think they even logged into my account. I guess they just wanted that reassurance up front and they kind of were at ease after that..? Maybe the whole thing of facebook and cheating becoming such a thing in so many relationships bears some weight. See that actually would annoy me - not because of privacy, I don't have any interesting private conversations that I don't want my gf to see, its just the principle, the lack of trust. And thinking about it the one private conversation* I've had that I don't want her to see, I've deleted all the texts that mention that so I don't know why people think having passwords and stuff means someone can't hide stuff from you! (*which is with my brother, about her hopefully engagement ring - not anything sinister) 2
GemmaUK Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 I think everyone is entitled to some privacy and trust should be part of a healthy relationship. I would also argue the case of your own friends being entitled to their privacy.. If a friend were to mail you on FB with something they trusted you with and then he reads it that is just plain wrong and very unfair on them. I dated two men who asked for my passwords and I gave in at the time as it was more hassle than not. They both gave me theirs and I never looked at their accounts. I later regretted giving them my passwords. I only dated one for a short while and he ended up mailing friends of mine after I finished with him asking them to get me to get back with him. That failed as they ignored his mails so he stalked me for 3 years by phone and text instead. The other guy got in a big sulk about something and stupidly I gave him my password to FB and also the dating site we met on (the dating site had a forum and we were both regulars on there, had friends on there and used to go to some of the meets too) He stole photos of me from 20 years back and had them set so I couldn't see them but they were viewable to his friends and also friends of friends. I only discovered this when he unfriended me 5 months after we split but he had them on there all the while we were together so I later discovered. He also deleted two of my male friends..for no reason whatsoever. Me and the male friends never contacted each other on FB. We had mutual friends who were online on the dating site and while I was with him his behaviour started to change. I couldn't mail these mutual friends for any support or to ask what they thought of his behaviour. He however regularly told me he would talk to all these folk about us via text and phone calls (he very quickly became very good friends with many including women he had previously been on dates with). I kinda became alienated. I totally stopped using FB for any mails or pretty much anything at all while each had my password. I'll never give out my password for anything again unless it is an absolute emergency. With FB I respect my own friends too much for anything they write to me to be viewable by another person without their knowledge. I don't think it's 'special' to be given a password and I'd be concerned that he seemed upset that you didn't react as he wanted you to. It does sound like he just wants yours in return.
GoreSP Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months, and we get along great and are both in our mid 20s. About two months ago he told me I had the right (and privilege as his girlfriend) to ask for his Facebook password, or go through his phone if I ever felt the need to do so. He believes there's no such thing as privacy between couples, and he has nothing to hide. I felt it was enough for him to tell me that for me to feel much more confident and secure in our relationship. I did indeed feel special, but felt no desire to really go through his phone or Facebook, and to be quite frank, I'd feel very uncomfortable intruding someone's privacy that way. Shortly thereafter, a mutual friend of ours (She knew him before I knew him) told me how he also used to share his password with her - and they were merely friends (not a couple). After knowing he also shared passwords with her who was just a close friend, I assumed that Facebook privacy wasn't a big deal for him. I, on the other hand, take my privacy very seriously and wouldn't give anyone but my significant other access to that information. However, I forgot about the whole situation and didn't think of it as much. Yesterday, my boyfriend offered his Facebook password randomly, without me asking because he wanted to make me feel special. Though, I acknowledged it was a nice gesture, I just asked him if he still shared his passwords with other close friends as well - and if that was the case, I didn't see this action of his as a "girlfriend privilege." He felt like I was judging him for sharing his password with friends in the past, and was disappointed that I did not feel as special as he intended for me to feel. I'm just confused about this whole sharing passwords situation, and frankly don't even know how I feel about it anymore. Initially, just him offering his passwords was good enough for me. Now I feel like, I'm supposed to feel "special" about given that privilege.. But if he's been so open about sharing passwords with merely friends, than how exactly is this a girlfriend privilege? Just interested in knowing everyone else's taking on sharing passwords. Thank you in advance! I think there was some overthinking on your part. I mean - are you really that concerned about having his FB password isn't so special considering he also shared his password with friends? Is it that important? Also, did he expect you to give him your passwords?
Radu Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 What is it with this modern bull**** of actually talking things through for 'passwords' to their own private little kingdoms. I've never asked for one, and i always said 'no' when asked for one. If in OP's shoes i'd go like 'okkkkk' when first offered it, and i would already count the 2nd time he pushed for it as weird and possible red flag [was he betrayed through FB several times OP ?]. Emilia is probably right.
GemmaUK Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 See I wouldn't have done that because to me it would indicate that the person wasn't ready for a trusting healthy relationship. ..and further to my last post..those two guys I talked about both had trust issues. The second guy had massive trust issues. Both were also self professed nice guys who were also very controlling, emotionally abusive and on occasion verbally abusive. I have since learned my lesson, done plenty of reading on these kinds of behaviour traits and now know what to look for. I ignored some of my instinctive feelings and that was my number ONE mistake!
pickflicker Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 (edited) LMFAO. F*ck that. I'm not sharing passwords with anyone. Agreed. I've said this before, but I don't know my passwords - they're all random and in a database, I just remember 1 to unlock it. If I handed out that 1 password, they'd have access to everything. I'd show a partner wanted they wanted while I was there, but I'm not handing over passwords. I agree with what another person said - he wants your passwords to snoop. Don't give them out, there had been more than one thread of exes snooping FB/email after the fact on here. Edited March 13, 2014 by pickflicker 2
Antenna_Of_Destiny Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Sharing a Facebook password with ANYONE is a violation of the terms of use that you signed and voluntarily agreed to before finalizing the registration of your account. Gosh, I really hate it when people sign a statement saying that they have read and agreed to something without actually reading it.
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Sharing a Facebook password with ANYONE is a violation of the terms of use that you signed and voluntarily agreed to before finalizing the registration of your account. Gosh, I really hate it when people sign a statement saying that they have read and agreed to something without actually reading it. Omg... So you're saying that all those pages of those psycho people's pets having their own profiles is illegal!?!?
Antenna_Of_Destiny Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Omg... So you're saying that all those pages of those psycho people's pets having their own profiles is illegal!?!? Having a Facebook profile of a pet is against the terms of use, having a Facebook fan page of a pet is perfectly fine.
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