jellybean89 Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Grass, I don't think you are a wh*re. I think you screwed up big time and are doing what you can to change and deal with the repercussions of your mistake. I would stop responding to the BS. Just delete her emails. You do not owe her anything - it has been a year for heaven's sake. Stop berating yourself and start forgiving yourself and loving yourself. You do not have to repent for the rest of your life. Yes, we can all agree that it is time to tell your spouse. It is also time to actually separate from him. Do NOT quit your job. The xMM is over 3 hours away and you rarely see him (1-3 times a year). You will need your job to support yourself. If your spouse chooses to tell your children, that is on him. Do not sink to his level and share your own hurts that your H has done to you with the kids. Answer any questions your kids have with age appropriate responses. Time for you to heal yourself and put this experience behind you. Continue to work on you. Continue to fix whatever is 'broken' inside you. Continue to move forward with your life. I think it was in poor taste for Darren to share an old post of yours (not sure why he would post something that was a year old...what was his motivation for this?) You can only control you. Enough of the drama with the BS. She's had a year to take pot shots at you and ask you questions. Enough. You don't owe her anything more. Please - forgive yourself. Love yourself. You said you are a coward...well, time to change that. Time to find your inner strength (we all have it) and sit your spouse down and tell him. Own everything -- do not blame shift or play yourself off as a victim. Own it, apologize for the hurt and deception and then step aside and let him deal with his emotions. I can tell you are hurting and I am sorry for that. You truly seem like a lady who made mistakes and knows she has issues to work on. I don't see you as a bad person -- just someone who made some very wrong decisions. I wish you well. 1
Fluttershy Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 The BW- You have done what you could. Apologized and told the truth. She is a non entity to you should be to her. Why she feels this need or what he is doing means nothing to you and your life as you know. So as suggested come clean to your husband so you no longer have any fears of her doing it for you. Besides stay or go (you have chosen go). Hearing it from you will be a lot better in the end. And give him the missing piece of the puzzle. Yeah your unfaithfullness will hurt him. I get that the confession and knowledge of it are a lot more real then when it is secret. But it will fill in a lot of blanks and help with closure. Some people don't believe in closure but that is only people who have never had it or needed it. It is real just not always attainable. In this case your honesty may impart that. 2
lolablue17 Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 (edited) The problem is the lies you've been and still are feeding yourself. All the couples in the world have problems in their M. almost Every one of us has some points of time during the M when we play with the idea of separation. But what counts is What we are doing about it. So I dont belive you when you say that you and your H are "headed to separation anyway". does he know that? did you actually do one action which will show that you are "headed to separation? NO. Only words. so the lie you tell yourself helps you with 2 things: 1. To be mentally prepared if your H finds out about the A. 2. to justify your A. you know its morally wrong, and you dont like the picture with you as a scum in it, so you fix the picture a little bit by saying - "we are headed to separation anyway". My advice: well, you lied so much and so many times, i would make another last lie... Mail his wife that "you told your H everything and you both are trying to R, and her mails realy get in your way and might jeopardize you're R, and if it does, you will be free to look for her H, so no more contact between you too, if she doesn't want to risk her M". After that seat with youself (or maybe IC) and take a decision - Do you wnat to continue with your M - YES or NO! - It youe choose NO - So start moving things toward divorce (you dont have to tell him about the past A. if the A was the reason of separation, I woud tell him but its not the case here) If you choose YES - Start to heal stitches in your M. move your butt and start working hard to make your marriage better, because your - "seating on the fence" attitude makes things worse. Edited March 15, 2014 by lolablue17
verity123 Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 (edited) My wife tried to avoid telling me about her affair. So for me, her announcement of wanting to separate came out of the blue. I went thru three weeks of torturing myself, trying to figure out how to salvage my marriage when she said she didn't want to talk about it (needed time) and that it was probably too late. I blamed myself immensely for making my wife so unhappy. I lost nearly 25 pounds in that 3 weeks. But ultimately, the more I thought about it, the more I knew that our problems didn't add up to separation/divorce. That's what led me to start investigating. When we tried reconciling, one of my hardest things to forgive was that three weeks where she watched me losing sleep and wasting away when all the while she knew that I wasn't all at fault. OP, do you really want to be responsible for lying thru an entire separation/divorce while you watch your husband torture himself, trying to re-win your heart? I only went thru three weeks; I can't imagine if she just let me blame myself forever. Is that really kindness? Do you really want to lie forever? And heck, that's assuming that you can pull off the lie at all. My wife failed at that one even though I had no reason to start searching at all. Oops. Although I regret being honest with my H, i also did not tell him that he actually was quite a bit responsible for me falling out of love with him. He was emotionally distant for years and I do not think i was wholly responsible for not loving him. I just became vulnerable to fall for someone else as a result of his neglect. I had always been honest but at the point where i realised our marriage was dead, there was no point in sticking the knife in. No point at all. Up until then I had always advocated honesty. But no, telling him I did not love him was cruel. So in my experienced opinion OP do not tell him unless you are prepared to reconcile, no point. Her affair is over- mine was an exit affair Edited March 15, 2014 by verity123 1
harrybrown Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 I do hope your AP's wife will leave you alone. But if you do D, your A will have a part in the D. I do hope you tell him and not leave him in limbo like some of us. Limbo is one hell of a place to be, and you do not have all the pieces to try and move on. good luck to you, and also to your H.
Fluttershy Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Verity, i touched on it in my previous post. But I know this woman whose husband "just fell out of love" ended the marriage and left her. She was convinced he ha cheated by his behavioù and to her the suddeness of it. She lived a life tortured woth that belief but never confirmed. Knowing an affair was a part of the demise is not cruelty. It offers a missing element.
compulsivedancer Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 There have been a few WWs on here pre-DDay who said their affair was an exit affair. After DDay, they were surprised when their H was willing to try R. One of these was last summer, and when I PMed her recently, she told me she and her H are still together and working on R. So the question is: do you WANT to leave him, or do you think that is the inevitable result of telling him? Because it's not inevitable, and it could be the first step in healing your relationship with him. It will suck -BAD- and there are no guarantees, but don't assume. It's not fair to your future OR his. 3
BetrayedH Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 There have been a few WWs on here pre-DDay who said their affair was an exit affair. After DDay, they were surprised when their H was willing to try R. One of these was last summer, and when I PMed her recently, she told me she and her H are still together and working on R. So the question is: do you WANT to leave him, or do you think that is the inevitable result of telling him? Because it's not inevitable, and it could be the first step in healing your relationship with him. It will suck -BAD- and there are no guarantees, but don't assume. It's not fair to your future OR his. True dat. Happens time and time again. 1
verity123 Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Verity, i touched on it in my previous post. But I know this woman whose husband "just fell out of love" ended the marriage and left her. She was convinced he ha cheated by his behavioù and to her the suddeness of it. She lived a life tortured woth that belief but never confirmed. Knowing an affair was a part of the demise is not cruelty. It offers a missing element. Maybe so but even knowing about the affair , my ex is convinced that was the reason and he is totally wrong. After four years, I can swear to him that he is totally wrong. so in my case it would do no good. It would not be good him thinking that was the reason either as that says he had no contribution when his contribution was massive. I actually really wish I had never fallen out of love with him.
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