Former WW - Need guidance on issue with BS

[Snowflower]

grassisgreener, are you still here?

 

Sorry you're getting such a raking here. Hang in there.

 

1. Regarding the BW: she needs to stop calling you. I agree that she is not getting answers from her H that she needs. So, she is coming to you as a way to figure out why her H is having an affair.

 

Her alternating emails of asking you questions and then cursing you out is how a BS would normally act with her cheating husband. For some reason, she cannot do that with him...so her "outlet" for that type of behavior is you.

 

2. Your husband: I might have missed this earlier in the thread because the responses were distracting but why don't you want to tell your H about your affair? You're divorcing him anyway, that will hurt him, so why not just be honest about everything?

[verity123]

The OP was asking for help dealing with BS not her H.

 

If you read on here enough you will see that BS struggle with the affair for many years afterwards Some have been on here many years and even for very short affairs. If your exs BS is not getting the intimacy from her H it is apparent that she is going to try and discuss it with you and get the information from you It seems to me that her reconciliation is not working and she is coming after you as it is not working.

 

I would not answer any more of her questions. I would also contact your ex and tell him what has been happening, If he is trying to sort it out with her, then he should know what she is doing. If you are splitting with your H, just deny anything, not worth sharing the pain with him is it?

[thinkingofhim]

If I was being harassed by BS the LASSTTTT thing I would do would be to contact xMM again, might as well hit a hornets nest with a stick....

 

I agree with giving her one last chance to ask questions and then cutting her off. You did her a great wrong, but that doesn't mean she gets to harass you indefinitely. I know you're afraid of her contacting your H, but she's probably going to do that anyways at some point. I imagine the only reason she's holding back is out of fear that you will go after her H again if/when you wind up single.

[verity123]

Well have you been an OW, because I think this would put a stop to it if he wants or she wants to save their marriage. It could be done sensitively.

[thinkingofhim]

And what happens when BS finds out that grassisgreener is contacting her H again, after they agreed to NC? She's going to be furious, the emails will escalate, and grassisgreener will open herself up to cold and hurtful comments from the xMM.

 

Really no need to contact him. She can tell the wife she will answer one last question and any further contact from the wife will be discussed with the police. NC goes both ways.

[grassisorisntgreener]

I don't think that any good would come out of me contacting him. This would set me back when I am trying to move forward.

 

I do need to tell my husband. And I agree with everyone who called me selfish.

 

I appreciate all the responses. I need the reinforcement of how terrible my choices were.

 

My husband deserves honesty and I will give it to him. I'm just scared out of my mind. It's as simple as that. I'm scared.

 

And before you say it, yes, should have thought about that before I engaged in the affair...I get it. I'm not delusional about how MY actions have gotten me to this place. I get it. Promise...

 

I'm just scared. It's scary. It's scary because I am not sure I'm ready to not have my children everyday.

 

I get that because of my choices I am forever a whore to all BS's out there.

[compulsivedancer]

I get that because of my choices I am forever a whore to all BS's out there.

 

Actually, a lot of the BSs on here are very supportive of a WW who is "reformed," but you will probably not experience that unless you have a DDay.

[Chi townD]

I don't think that any good would come out of me contacting him. This would set me back when I am trying to move forward.

 

I do need to tell my husband. And I agree with everyone who called me selfish.

 

I appreciate all the responses. I need the reinforcement of how terrible my choices were.

 

My husband deserves honesty and I will give it to him. I'm just scared out of my mind. It's as simple as that. I'm scared.

 

And before you say it, yes, should have thought about that before I engaged in the affair...I get it. I'm not delusional about how MY actions have gotten me to this place. I get it. Promise...

 

I'm just scared. It's scary. It's scary because I am not sure I'm ready to not have my children everyday.

 

I get that because of my choices I am forever a whore to all BS's out there.

 

 

 

No one here is calling you a whore. However, we do expect you to own up to your own sh*t.

 

 

See, the thing is, if we see that a person is TRUELY remorseful for what they've done and have come on here looking for help to try and fix things. Then, you'll find that a lot of us BS's are willing to help.

 

 

Now, don't get me wrong, you're still going to get some BS's on here that are going to blast you. But, you have to remember you're coming to a site where a lot of us have been hurt by the same actions you've done to your husband and it makes them trigger. Sometimes you just got to roll with it and take away the things that are helpful to you and leave the rest behind.

 

 

And if you want honesty, I'm not convinced that you're truly remorseful over the things you've done. I think that what has you scared the most is not losing your husband, but the idea of only being a part time mom. Well, that was your choice when you cheated. For that year, you valued this OM over your husband AND over your kids. And yes, you did cheat on your children as well. You cheated them out of time to be with you when you were with the OM. Now that you're faced with the fact that your family is going to be torn apart you have to ask yourself, was the OM really worth it?

 

 

And kids aren't stupid, sooner or later, they're going to learn the REAL reason why mom and dad aren't together anymore. That's something that you're going to have to come to terms with.

 

 

So, now I have to ask you. What do you want? Do you want to try and save your family or do you want to cut ties and figure out the best way for you and your husband to split as much assets and visitation down the middle and 50/50 as possible? Your answer will dictate what kind of advice you get.

[snappytomcat]

I don't think that any good would come out of me contacting him. This would set me back when I am trying to move forward.

 

I do need to tell my husband. And I agree with everyone who called me selfish.

 

I appreciate all the responses. I need the reinforcement of how terrible my choices were.

 

My husband deserves honesty and I will give it to him. I'm just scared out of my mind. It's as simple as that. I'm scared.

 

And before you say it, yes, should have thought about that before I engaged in the affair...I get it. I'm not delusional about how MY actions have gotten me to this place. I get it. Promise...

 

I'm just scared. It's scary. It's scary because I am not sure I'm ready to not have my children everyday.

 

I get that because of my choices I am forever a whore to all BS's out there.

I don't think all bs will forever think you are a whore,having an affair with a married person is 100%wrong,but we all make mistakes,and its sounds like you are sorry,and remorseful for the pain you caused the bs

I hope you find peace,and good luck

[BetrayedH]

Actually, a lot of the BSs on here are very supportive of a WW who is "reformed," but you will probably not experience that unless you have a DDay.

 

I don't think I've ever used the word, whore, on this site. Hell, I didn't even call my wife a whore. None of that is the point here.

[HermioneG]

The OP was asking for help dealing with BS not her H.

 

If you read on here enough you will see that BS struggle with the affair for many years afterwards Some have been on here many years and even for very short affairs. If your exs BS is not getting the intimacy from her H it is apparent that she is going to try and discuss it with you and get the information from you It seems to me that her reconciliation is not working and she is coming after you as it is not working.

 

I would not answer any more of her questions. I would also contact your ex and tell him what has been happening, If he is trying to sort it out with her, then he should know what she is doing. If you are splitting with your H, just deny anything, not worth sharing the pain with him is it?

 

The Mm's BS and her own?

 

It's a connected issue.

 

There is a very real probability the wife is going to tell her husband.

 

That's why we are encouraging the truth- all the way around.

 

Affairs are messy, and the people who attempt to control other people's lack of knowledge ? Will end up with an even bigger problem.

 

I'd add that your mileage may vary, but it won't.

[tired girl]

OP,

 

I am a FWW, I understand your fear. I understand the fear of facing up to the anger, the disappointment you will see, the hurt, the consequences regarding your children. I get it. But your life will not truly start until you deal with this mis truth in your life. You know that you are not living authentically, and it is doing damage to YOU. Forget for a moment what it is doing to him and think about what this is doing to you. You cannot truly begin to live your life until this is dealt with. Handle it, and figure out why you allowed yourself to make this choice. There are layers there, and they are not easy to look at, but if you are determined to become a better person for yourself and your children, you can be happy once again. Let go of the outcomes, you don't have to control what your husband feels or doesn't feel, it is not longer in your control. Hugs, I know this is hard.

[sidney2718]

Let me clarify, that although we work for the same department, seeing him would be extremely rare. Maybe 1-2 times a year and that would be in passing. Our offices are 3 hours away from each other, opposite ends of the state.

 

And I am actively looking for a new job. I cannot quit my job right now. When I leave my husband I am going to need an income. It would be very irresponsible to not have money to live.

 

I don't quite understand something. Why do you have to quit your job? Especially if you come clean to your husband?

[sidney2718]

I agree with the majority view, tell you husband.

 

One thing though: before you do, figure out if you want a divorce anyway. If you do, don't string him along with talk of reconciliation.

 

Another thing, which is also a ticking time bomb. I assume that the OM's "wife" sent you e-mail via your company's e-mail system and you've responded the same way. If so, those e-mails are the property of your company and have, by law, been archived. They can be read by anyone in the company with proper authority and quite possibly have been read by IT people with an interest in scanning e-mail for "interesting" items.

[grassisorisntgreener]

I don't quite understand something. Why do you have to quit your job? Especially if you come clean to your husband?

 

My husband would most certainly put our business on his social media, and he will tell everyone what happened. I know how he is. I am not expecting him to hide any of this, but he will let the world know.

 

And my co-workers will find out. It will make coming to work extremely uncomfortable and I, and xMM will be reprimanded, him much worse than me I fear. I'd rather not be at this particular job.

 

The more I read replies the more I realize I need to take action sooner rather than later. I have a few resumes out there, but I think I need to worry less about the work fall out. I think my fear with that goes along with my fear of confrontation. I also am the quiet "good" one here and it kills me that I will be viewed completely differently once everyone knows.

 

Also I apologize for the blanket "whore" comment. It's just how I feel reading responses to WW's and responses to BH's about their wives. I know not everyone feels that way.

[janedoe67]

I don't quite understand something. Why do you have to quit your job? Especially if you come clean to your husband?

 

I would bet she has been reading a forum where even if OM's office was in Spain and hers was in Antarctica they'd still tell her she had to quit her job

 

 

I am a FWW as well, and Here is what I would do, all at once, together:

 

Try once more to block the email

 

Ask IT about IP addresses

 

Sit your husband down with your kids at Grandma's or something and tell him everything YOU have done WITHOUT referencing any unhappiness in your marriage.

 

Find a really good IC and work through all of this AND what you want in the future - it may change after you confess.

 

Be compassionate toward your BH.

 

Be the best mom you can be.

 

Work hard at your job.

 

The rest is out of your control.

[grassisorisntgreener]

I agree with the majority view, tell you husband.

 

One thing though: before you do, figure out if you want a divorce anyway. If you do, don't string him along with talk of reconciliation.

 

Another thing, which is also a ticking time bomb. I assume that the OM's "wife" sent you e-mail via your company's e-mail system and you've responded the same way. If so, those e-mails are the property of your company and have, by law, been archived. They can be read by anyone in the company with proper authority and quite possibly have been read by IT people with an interest in scanning e-mail for "interesting" items.

 

I don't plan on asking for a reconciliation.

 

And yes, there are probably people in the IT department that already know what's up.

[grassisorisntgreener]

I would bet she has been reading a forum where even if OM's office was in Spain and hers was in Antarctica they'd still tell her she had to quit her job

 

 

I am a FWW as well, and Here is what I would do, all at once, together:

 

Try once more to block the email

 

Ask IT about IP addresses

 

Sit your husband down with your kids at Grandma's or something and tell him everything YOU have done WITHOUT referencing any unhappiness in your marriage.

 

Find a really good IC and work through all of this AND what you want in the future - it may change after you confess.

 

Be compassionate toward your BH.

 

Be the best mom you can be.

 

Work hard at your job.

 

The rest is out of your control.

 

I really loved this response. Thank you.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I understand the fear of consequences. Until you lay it bare, there they are....looming over your head. Currently you are in limbo. One actually is adding to their consequences by adding in the limbo. Once it is out there, one gets to deal with the consequences and move towards resolution....whatever that means for your situation.

 

I think you will find, that self incriminating goes a long way to feeling better about yourself internally. Those that face the consequences of their actions become stronger individuals. It repairs so much internally. You will be okay. You will become an even better Mom. A person who walked through fire, can now spot potential firestorms miles away and takes steps to avoid them.

 

You have much to work with already, within yourself. Tap into that part of you.

[aliveagain]

I will bet money that most of the office already knows. Belittling your husband even more by letting the betrayed wife of your lover expose all your nasty details to him is such a low blow specially when he finds out that you knew that she was going to out you and you let her do your dirty work. As for a whore, I think I met one last September in Vegas, she told me she was just sitting at the bar of the Aria while her husband gambled, she kept asking me for my room number, what a friendly woman.

 

Your husband will get through this with you or without you. I suffered with a two year infidelity that resulted in an affair child. I thought he was mine but DNA testing proved he belonged to the other man. I survived that and today I am with the most fascinating woman on the planet. She is Hungarian, from Budapest, has the most amazing accent, blond 6'1" tall and I am glad that my ex is out of my life because this is the woman I was meant to be with, I just didn't know it at the time.

[verity123]

She doesn't want to be with her H, no need to be blunt, I always regret telling my H i did not love him, I think honestly in that case, i was cruel to be honest .

 

Total honesty is only necessary if you want to reconcile, otherwise, do not share the pain and I have genuine experience of this

[gettingstronger]

Back to the topic of how to get the contact to stop...our OW intruded for a long time, a year! I tried ignore, I tried kindness, I tried being harsh, I told her husband what she was doing. None of it worked, we sent a cease and desist letter and have been intrusion free for about a month. I don't think I would have done anything different as the last thing I wanted to do was go to an atty. I had hoped and wanted to handle it as a private matter, but it didn't work. I would start with ignoring. I think if you can ignore for two weeks it may push her back to talking with her husband about her feelings. You and the BS almost sound codependent at this point.

[BetrayedH]

She doesn't want to be with her H, no need to be blunt, I always regret telling my H i did not love him, I think honestly in that case, i was cruel to be honest .

 

Total honesty is only necessary if you want to reconcile, otherwise, do not share the pain and I have genuine experience of this

 

My wife tried to avoid telling me about her affair. So for me, her announcement of wanting to separate came out of the blue. I went thru three weeks of torturing myself, trying to figure out how to salvage my marriage when she said she didn't want to talk about it (needed time) and that it was probably too late. I blamed myself immensely for making my wife so unhappy. I lost nearly 25 pounds in that 3 weeks. But ultimately, the more I thought about it, the more I knew that our problems didn't add up to separation/divorce. That's what led me to start investigating.

 

When we tried reconciling, one of my hardest things to forgive was that three weeks where she watched me losing sleep and wasting away when all the while she knew that I wasn't all at fault.

 

OP, do you really want to be responsible for lying thru an entire separation/divorce while you watch your husband torture himself, trying to re-win your heart? I only went thru three weeks; I can't imagine if she just let me blame myself forever. Is that really kindness? Do you really want to lie forever? And heck, that's assuming that you can pull off the lie at all. My wife failed at that one even though I had no reason to start searching at all. Oops.

[BHsigh]

I second this, and went through similar myself. We "separated for two weeks", and when I say separated, all that meant was when I tried to discuss problems she got to say that things were getting heated and halt the conversation. I was pulling my hair out wondering what was going on, then I found the undeniable evidence and was further destroyed.

[BetrayedH]

I second this, and went through similar myself. We "separated for two weeks", and when I say separated, all that meant was when I tried to discuss problems she got to say that things were getting heated and halt the conversation. I was pulling my hair out wondering what was going on, then I found the undeniable evidence and was further destroyed.

 

Yeah, lying is rarely a good idea. It would just be a continuation of the mess the OP already has found herself in. The choices really are to keep going further into the rabbit hole or to start digging her way out.