Author grassisorisntgreener Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 If she is this upset and you block her she is liable to come to your work. She is liable to follow you home and wreck your whole life in one fell swoop. I would write her an email saying you are quitting the job now. I would tell her you will never talk to her H again. Actually quit. You played with fire and if you think your getting burned wait until she exposes you to your husband. Your world will be turned upside down and it will never go back. My son still hates his mom after seven years. He goes to see her but he will not open up to her in anyway. You have the chance to deal with this in a controlled way. Don't wait until its to late to deal with it yourself. Either confess to your Husband or get completely away from her man. Clay Let me clarify, that although we work for the same department, seeing him would be extremely rare. Maybe 1-2 times a year and that would be in passing. Our offices are 3 hours away from each other, opposite ends of the state. And I am actively looking for a new job. I cannot quit my job right now. When I leave my husband I am going to need an income. It would be very irresponsible to not have money to live.
Sub Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Let me clarify, that although we work for the same department, seeing him would be extremely rare. Maybe 1-2 times a year and that would be in passing. Our offices are 3 hours away from each other, opposite ends of the state. Thanks for the clarification. That is a different set of circumstances, then.
Artie Lang Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 You have no control over that whatsoever. The best you can do is everything in your power to remove yourself from their lives. Without you there to harass she will have to change the pattern. it doesn't sound like the OP is initiating contact, rather the BS is engaging her. i agree that this man may be TT'ing her and she wants answers. in reality, no answer will ever be enough for her. as long as you keep this a secret, you'll always be looking over your shoulder for the eventual fallout. even if you do indeed divorce, she could "out" any time. it could be years from now when you think you've moved on, only to have this thrown back in your face. is that how you want to live?
Clay Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Let me clarify, that although we work for the same department, seeing him would be extremely rare. Maybe 1-2 times a year and that would be in passing. Our offices are 3 hours away from each other, opposite ends of the state. And I am actively looking for a new job. I cannot quit my job right now. When I leave my husband I am going to need an income. It would be very irresponsible to not have money to live. Well all we can do is try to give you advice. I don't think she is going to give up at all while you are at that company. I think you might think its difficult to leave the job now but that might be the least of your problems if she exposes you. You will wish you had done it sooner. Clay 1
notbroken Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Why are you waiting to divorce? I suspect you are telling yourself you are divorcing to help justify your actions and that you could 'stall' for a very long time. During that time your marriage will be a mere shell of what it could have been and things will get progressively worse. Your husband will wonder what is missing (you and honesty are missing). Do everyone a favor and end it now. Tell your husband the truth. Then tell the lady to never contact you again.
AlwaysGrowing Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 You have no intention of telling your husband. Can not block her from your work email. Have to stay at job until/if you find a new one. Do not want to send anything through legal consequences due to the possibity that she will inform your husband. You are left with not reading/responding to the emails. That is all there is left. 1
snappytomcat Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 I was on the opposite end,im a bs and the ow woulnt leave me alone cyber stalking me,my husband blocked her from everything on his end,so she retaliated and went after me,i never once responded to her,and she still kept contacting,even after I blocked her she would just create another gmail account,so I had to change my email,and then she found out my cell number,and texted and called,at all hours funny thing is when I would answer she would never say anything,just hang up,she could dish it out,but she couldn't take it,she hid behind her computer screen,and phone. I finally had to go file a report for harassment,and so far so good its been a month now,hopefully shes moved on 3
harrybrown Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 If your H had an affair and had stds, wouldn't you want to know? At one time,you loved him, now it appears you do not, but do not want to face the music from your affair. Set yourself and your H free. He knows that you are distant, that you have built a wall between you and him. He may or may not know why you have these barriers up, but he knows because he can feel the distance between you. I am real stupid, but even I could tell that something was going on with my wife. She had and has the walls up so high, she was hiding things from me. I could see the distance for a long time, but it took a while to figure things out. If you ever cared for your H, do not leave him in limbo land. It sucks. You think you are a great actress and he can not feel the barrier and your walls surrounding you. He is stressed, and can not totally figure everything out. It will make your entire marriage seem like a farce, but the deed is done. It will be so much better coming from you then from the OM's wife. The OM's wife will find a horrible way to disclose. If you ever sent the OM a picture or the worst text or email for your H to see, that is what will be used. Do yourself a favor, and tell your H, before she sends a picture and a video that you supposedly did not know that he took of your interactions with the OM. You can never get over and forget the pictures and the videos. I hope you will show some kindness to your H and do this on your terms. I would not wish the other method on your H ever.
gettingstronger Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 You are both getting something out of this and it will not end until one of you stops contact. You get a connection backlot their lives, the high of the drama probably is similar to your affair high, even the stress feels good because you have an empty void you previously filled with the affair. She gets to take her anger out on you and not her husband. He gets to be the "not as bad as the evil ow" guy. So someone needs to back out, and if you are sincere in wanting a more normal life, I suggest it be you. Best of luck. 1
seren Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 To answer your original question as to why the BS is continuing to contact you, is to try to explain how an A can have a BS feel, especially reconciliation. I think that very often someone who has been hurt by infidelity and trying to reconcile their marriage looks for a target for their anger, pain, loss etc. To direct this at the WS is counterproductive, how to reconcile with someone who has hurt you, feel anger, not move on from that and love while hating what was done is no small thing .... and so some BS direct that toward the OW. Many OW show no remorse and frankly those who do are turned upon with the, if you are so sorry now, what stopped you (general) being sorry while the A was ongoing. Some OW become the surrogate for all the pain and anger the BS wants and possibly needs to hurl at the WS, but doesn't for fear of stopping the healing process. Fair? maybe not, but then neither are A's. Maybe when the BS feels safe and that she exhausts herself asking the same things of you over and over she will stop, maybe. I would echo what the others have said, write a to the point letter, giving the chance for one more question and then no more. I think her contact with you is not good for her or her marriage and while as an XBS myself I understand the anger, pain and frustration, I think she is howling at the wrong moon. Until I was betrayed I had no idea of how painful A's are, not just the betrayal by someone you love, but everything else that goes with it, her world has been turned upside down and just when she is almost right way up, she fears it being upturned again and that is when she gets in touch with you. If reconciliation goes wrong, it is then, I believe she will up her game and maybe look to take your world apart. When I and OW spoke I asked for truth, I told her that if she didn't answer what I asked I would take her world apart and at that time I meant it, even though I had truth from my H, I needed to see it from all angles. Once I had that, I no longer asked anything. In turn she asked me for my truth, however she kept coming back for more and harassed me for over 6 years, this came from hurt, pain and rejection. I think she was hoping I was the wicked witch of the west that she thought I was and had more to do with her pain that trying to hurt me, that I wasn't made it hard for her to reconcile the A and her justification for it. As for telling your H, I think this will come and probably is better if you do the telling first. It went a long way with me forgiving my H that he told me before I found out or anyone else told me, especially OW. I hope for you all that it resolves and you all find peace. 1
underwater2010 Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I bet if you came clean with husband and informed of this....she might just leave you alone.
Darren Steez Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 Just a few posts from OP: I have been married for 8 years. Unhappy for the last 5. We have two children. For the last 1.5 years I have been involved with a co-worker. I am in love with him, and I want to be with him. I can't seem to figure out how to get out of my marriage. My husband knows I am unhappy and is trying everything to make me happy. He is like a brother to me at this point, and I have no romantic feelings for him at all. He does not know about the affair. I often want to tell him, but I feel like it would break him and ruin him completely. I do care about him, just not as a partner, again, like a brother. Here is my thought process, and I realize it's completely messed up. I want to be with the other man, more than anything. I honestly feel like he makes me a better person. I like myself with I am with him. I feel like he fits into my life and could be a positive influence for my children, and I like the idea of having children with him. If he was out of the picture, didn't want to be with me anymore, I would still not have feelings for my husband. That ship has sailed. I care about him and I want him to be happy, but romantically, I am done there. I have tried so hard to "fake it" and hope that my efforts lead to me rekindling what we once had, but it never works. If the other man cut it off, I feel like I would stay with my husband based on the fact that I would be able to see my children every day. The thought of sharing them and not having them 50% of the time kills me. If I can't be with the other man, I will be miserable, and it won't make me fall back in love with my husband, but I could be civil and friendly, and also get to have my children. I realize I am so selfish. I get it. I could list a hundred reasons my marriage has failed, but it seems ridiculous to sit here and list the ways my husband let me down time after time, because really, I cheated, so in his eyes, and probably most of yours, no matter what he has done or hasn't done, I cheated, I am wrong, I am ruining the marriage. I can't type out reasons I feel justified in cheating, because I think it's wrong, I'm not dellusional about that... but it's done now and I think I could be happier elsewhere. I wanted to know if anyone knew of instances that it worked out, that was it. Enough said
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted March 14, 2014 Author Posted March 14, 2014 I have said it like 4 times already...but let me say it one more time.. I do not blame my husband for my affair. At all. Not even a little bit. Being unhappy isn't a reason to cheat. I don't justify the cheating based on the fact that I was unhappy.
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted March 14, 2014 Author Posted March 14, 2014 Just a few posts from OP: I have been married for 8 years. Unhappy for the last 5. We have two children. For the last 1.5 years I have been involved with a co-worker. I am in love with him, and I want to be with him. I can't seem to figure out how to get out of my marriage. My husband knows I am unhappy and is trying everything to make me happy. He is like a brother to me at this point, and I have no romantic feelings for him at all. He does not know about the affair. I often want to tell him, but I feel like it would break him and ruin him completely. I do care about him, just not as a partner, again, like a brother. Here is my thought process, and I realize it's completely messed up. I want to be with the other man, more than anything. I honestly feel like he makes me a better person. I like myself with I am with him. I feel like he fits into my life and could be a positive influence for my children, and I like the idea of having children with him. If he was out of the picture, didn't want to be with me anymore, I would still not have feelings for my husband. That ship has sailed. I care about him and I want him to be happy, but romantically, I am done there. I have tried so hard to "fake it" and hope that my efforts lead to me rekindling what we once had, but it never works. If the other man cut it off, I feel like I would stay with my husband based on the fact that I would be able to see my children every day. The thought of sharing them and not having them 50% of the time kills me. If I can't be with the other man, I will be miserable, and it won't make me fall back in love with my husband, but I could be civil and friendly, and also get to have my children. I realize I am so selfish. I get it. I could list a hundred reasons my marriage has failed, but it seems ridiculous to sit here and list the ways my husband let me down time after time, because really, I cheated, so in his eyes, and probably most of yours, no matter what he has done or hasn't done, I cheated, I am wrong, I am ruining the marriage. I can't type out reasons I feel justified in cheating, because I think it's wrong, I'm not dellusional about that... but it's done now and I think I could be happier elsewhere. I wanted to know if anyone knew of instances that it worked out, that was it. Enough said I wrote that almost a year ago. The OM is completely out of the picture and not on my radar anymore. But most of that still rings true.
HermioneG Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I support the offering the BS one last calm chance for explanation. You will need to tell your spouse, even if you plan on divorcing. Truth will out you, eventually. Better to come from you. As for the rest of it, with your unhappiness, your posts reveal a pattern. And to that pattern, as you face the rest of your life and what you think will bring you happiness, I'll bring you this quote ( probably attributed to Buddha or Confucious, and also in the Brady Bunch movie ) : Wherever you go, there you are. 1
cozycottagelg Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 As a person who is in limbo in their marriage as well, I really get the struggle to make a decision one way or the other. But the fact that she holds this secret over you has got to be awful. I am the least confrontational person I know, it would make me sick to my stomach.
cozycottagelg Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I don't want to thread jack, but it's kind of on topic - How would you suggest she break this to her husband?
BetrayedH Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 (edited) I think you may expect too much from marriage. Inevitably, those 'in love' feelings fade. Long-term couples' love for one another morphs into something more akin to a deep, mutual respect and admiration for one another that matures and grows as they tackle life's struggles together and remain a team. The first few years of a relationship are a period of limerance. It's a good term for you to study up. It doesn't last. In affairs or long-distance relationships it typically lasts longer because there is such a build-up of excitement about seeing one another. You don't know when you'll see one another and so the drama builds as you try to arrange stolen moments. No such thing in a marriage. When you compare a marriage with limerance or a fantasy affair, you end up saying those typical words to your spouse, "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Your 'good' husband has no chance of competing with those expectations. And if that limerance is what you really 'need' to be happy then you should expect a lifetime of 2-3 year relationships that all eventually lose their lustre and to spend your golden years alone. Think of an older couple that has been together for a lifetime. Do you think the wife wakes up every morning, looks at all the options of men with whom she could have fun, and then looks at her older husband as say, "Oh gosh, I gotta get me some of that?" Of course not. She stopped chasing limerance ages ago, stopped playing single, and found a REAL love that brings the benefit of lasting a lifetime. You say you don't romantically love your husband anymore and that that ship has sailed. I say that's nonsense. The only thing that sailed was your commitment. And that's something that can come back because it's entirely your choice. Quit making excuses for not fixing your marriage. Saying that you were trying while in an affair or having expectations that amount to a fantasy is a rationalization. Edited March 14, 2014 by BetrayedH 3
cozycottagelg Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I think you may expect too much from marriage. Inevitably, those 'in love' feelings fade. Long-term couples' love for one another morphs into something more akin to a deep, mutual respect and admiration for one another that matures and grows as they tackle life's struggles together and remain a team. The first few years of a relationship are a period of limerance. It's a good term for you to study up. It doesn't last. In affairs or long-distance relationships it typically lasts longer because there is such a build-up of excitement about seeing one another. You don't know when you'll see one another and so the drama builds as you try to arrange stolen moments. No such thing in a marriage. When you compare a marriage with limerance or a fantasy affair, you end up saying those typical words to your spouse, "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Your 'good' husband has no chance of competing with those expectations. And if that limerance is what you really 'need' to be happy then you should expect a lifetime of 2-3 year relationships that all eventually lose their lustre and to spend your golden years alone. Think of an older couple that has been together for a lifetime. Do you think the wife wakes up every morning, looks at all the options of men with whom she could have fun, and then looks at her older husband as say, "Oh gosh, I gotta get me some of that?" Of course not. She stopped chasing limerance ages ago, stopped playing single, and found a REAL love that brings the benefit of lasting a lifetime. You say you don't romantically love your husband anymore and that that ship has sailed. I say that's nonsense. The only thing that sailed was your commitment. And that's something that can come back because it's entirely your choice. Quit making excuses for not fixing your marriage. Saying that you were trying while in an affair or having expectations that amount to a fantasy is a rationalization. I think everyone can agree with what you're saying here, but if she takes the advice from everyone to tell him, I don't believe any decisions as to what happens next get to be hers.
HermioneG Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I don't want to thread jack, but it's kind of on topic - How would you suggest she break this to her husband? She simply sits him down and tells him the truth. All of it. No trickling. Not obfuscation. Just the truth. There's not an actual betrayed spouse I have ever met who would not wish for that. Everyone deserves the truth of their own lives. And to know what has been happening. He does not know she has cheated, but I can guarantee he knows something is very wrong. The truth will allow him to look at his world with a proper prescription. It's human kindness. 1
HermioneG Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I think everyone can agree with what you're saying here, but if she takes the advice from everyone to tell him, I don't believe any decisions as to what happens next get to be hers. Gently, when she chose to have an affair, she already selected that. She can be responsible for her future path forward. Her spouse deserves the truth and the ability to make the same decisions as she has for his own path. He can choose to stay with her or leave her, but what has to stop is her artificial handling of his life. No true intimacy and love can come from continued deception. 1
aliveagain Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I've tried to stay off your post but here I am anyway, here goes. Banging your coworker for a year and a half will definitely change your relationship with your husband and your children. Whatever you want to call what you have now legally it is still a marriage and you are still a family. You have a history of making bad choices as evidenced by your current situation. As an outsider we see the gravity and my question to you is how badly do you want this to end? Hearing about your infidelity from the other betrayed spouse will not go as well for your husband, the information will get to him, that is imminent. Withholding the truth from him just shows how truly selfish you are. Another wayward ex wife just gave you some really bad advice about not telling him, if I recall she got caught with her lover but didn't confess to her husband for several months and he was already drafting the divorce papers. You are in this mess because you cheated and have not been truthful to your family. You stole a year and half of their time, you've been somewhere in a fantasy land of rainbows and unicorns but in reality this is what you have been building. Put your big girl panties on and fix this, end your marriage or be in it. Don't humiliate him anymore than you already have, he knows something is going on, tell him the truth about your situation. Marriages never survive without honesty and they absolutely can't survive when one of the spouses has already left the marriage. All of us betrayed spouses eventually find someone that really love us, he will get over you eventually. 3
BetrayedH Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I think everyone can agree with what you're saying here, but if she takes the advice from everyone to tell him, I don't believe any decisions as to what happens next get to be hers. That's true. She cannot control him; she can only control herself. My vote would be that she starts digging her way out of this hole and doing the right things so that she sets herself up for the best chance of success. To me, that's coming clean and then putting a real effort into her marriage without this huge lie between them. As for her H, she seems convinced that he won't even consider reconciliation. Well, even though just about everyone says that infidelity would he a dealbreaker, more than 80% of men still make at least an initial attempt at reconciliation. I was one of those men. At this point, what other choices are there? She could keep lying and divorce, leaving her husband to just take all of the blame for the failed marriage. Or she could keep lying and stay, subjecting both of them to a sham of a marriage. I think she needs to start cleaning up her side of this mess and yes, then her husband gets the right to make some informed decisions himself (which is long overdue). 2
miguelcervantes Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 And also, why do you refer to your self as a former WW ?
BHsigh Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 That's true. She cannot control him; she can only control herself. My vote would be that she starts digging her way out of this hole and doing the right things so that she sets herself up for the best chance of success. To me, that's coming clean and then putting a real effort into her marriage without this huge lie between them. As for her H, she seems convinced that he won't even consider reconciliation. Well, even though just about everyone says that infidelity would he a dealbreaker, more than 80% of men still make at least an initial attempt at reconciliation. I was one of those men. At this point, what other choices are there? She could keep lying and divorce, leaving her husband to just take all of the blame for the failed marriage. Or she could keep lying and stay, subjecting both of them to a sham of a marriage. I think she needs to start cleaning up her side of this mess and yes, then her husband gets the right to make some informed decisions himself (which is long overdue). Great post! I want to say something about the highlighted section, her trying to control him is a large part of the current problem. She's trying to control what he knows, she's trying to control what his options are by taking away his choice of staying with or leaving her over her affair. She's trying to control the state of their marriage by not giving him all relevant information. They are currently in a very one sided marriage. 1
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