Author grassisorisntgreener Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 The fear of leaving that I have is what stops me. He has told me on several occasions that he will never make it easy for me to leave. That if he ever found out I had been unfaithful that he would make sure the children knew and hated me. There are other things but I feel like it just makes me look like I want sympathy..I don't. I'm just simply sharing my story.
BHsigh Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Yes we have children, otherwise this would be much easier. You also owe it to your children to be honest with their father. 1
Chi townD Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Yes, I can't argue with any of this. I tried and deleted, you are exactly right. Only I do care about him, it isn't that I don't care. If I didn't care it would make this whole thing easier. He wasn't a great husband, but he has made some major changes, I couldn't complain now if I wanted. I don't feel I deserve him anymore. LOL! Find me ONE man that is! We all have our faults and things that our spouses would wish that we would change about ourselves. But, I think our faults (if they aren't major) are some of the reason we become so endearing to our spouses. Look, you need to look at your marriage as if the two of you were building a house. On the day that you met each other, you start to pour the foundation of this house. And with every date, you started to build it brick by brick and board by board. Still building this house through your engagement and well into your marriage. And it turned into a pretty damn good looking house! Then, you had your affair and you took a wrecking ball to it. Mashed it to pieces. Now, when you tell your husband what you did, the two of you will be standing infront of the wreckage. Your husband will have to decide what he wants to do in the wake of this wreckage. He may say, "You know what? Too much damage has been done." and he'll walk away. But, you've already been preparing yourself to walk away from him anyway. But, sometimes, a couple are able to look past the damage and see the foundation. They decide that the foundation is still good. So, they start rebuilding brick by brick and board by board. Now, the new house that you build on this foundation is never going to look like the house that was previously there. That house is gone and is never coming back. But, sometimes this new house that you build can be even better than the one that was there before. The question you have to ask yourself is if the foundation is still good?
Betrayed&Stayed Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Thoughts on this situation? She's po'ed that she has to deal with the fallout in her marriage, meanwhile your marriage has not blown up. If she is contacting you frequently, I feel it is she want you to have your comeuppance. My prediction is she will find a way to contact your BH, and let him know of your affair. I know that is what I would do; 100% no doubt. Why should you get off scot-free? This women wants her justice. For myself, I could not gain any peace knowing that the AP got away scot-free. No amount of passing time could change that. 2
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 LOL! Find me ONE man that is! We all have our faults and things that our spouses would wish that we would change about ourselves. But, I think our faults (if they aren't major) are some of the reason we become so endearing to our spouses. Look, you need to look at your marriage as if the two of you were building a house. On the day that you met each other, you start to pour the foundation of this house. And with every date, you started to build it brick by brick and board by board. Still building this house through your engagement and well into your marriage. And it turned into a pretty damn good looking house! Then, you had your affair and you took a wrecking ball to it. Mashed it to pieces. Now, when you tell your husband what you did, the two of you will be standing infront of the wreckage. Your husband will have to decide what he wants to do in the wake of this wreckage. He may say, "You know what? Too much damage has been done." and he'll walk away. But, you've already been preparing yourself to walk away from him anyway. But, sometimes, a couple are able to look past the damage and see the foundation. They decide that the foundation is still good. So, they start rebuilding brick by brick and board by board. Now, the new house that you build on this foundation is never going to look like the house that was previously there. That house is gone and is never coming back. But, sometimes this new house that you build can be even better than the one that was there before. The question you have to ask yourself is if the foundation is still good? I smashed the house into bits and I am sure he would not consider reconciling. Since we are on the house analogies, in my view, we built a house and he torched the roof. Instead of repairing the roof, I demolished it with my bad decisions.
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 She's po'ed that she has to deal with the fallout in her marriage, meanwhile your marriage has not blown up. If she is contacting you frequently, I feel it is she want you to have your comeuppance. My prediction is she will find a way to contact your BH, and let him know of your affair. I know that is what I would do; 100% no doubt. Why should you get off scot-free? This women wants her justice. For myself, I could not gain any peace knowing that the AP got away scot-free. No amount of passing time could change that. I agree with this. But I never tell her anything about my marriage. She is assuming all of these things based on what little bits and pieces she can find on social media. She could easily find him, he's on facebook, she knows this, she has threatened this.
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 I am in no way justifying or defending my behavior. I know I'm in the wrong and she was an innocent victim. What the point of the thread is, why is she continuously insulting me? I understand the anger and the initial contact, what I don't understand is why it's still going on a year later. And I agree I need to tell my husband. And as I said before, I want to, I just haven't found the courage.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 What the point of the thread is, why is she continuously insulting me? I understand the anger and the initial contact, what I don't understand is why it's still going on a year later. That's why I added my last line: "For myself, I could not gain any peace knowing that the AP got away scot-free. No amount of passing time could change that."
Chi townD Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 I am in no way justifying or defending my behavior. I know I'm in the wrong and she was an innocent victim. What the point of the thread is, why is she continuously insulting me? I understand the anger and the initial contact, what I don't understand is why it's still going on a year later. And I agree I need to tell my husband. And as I said before, I want to, I just haven't found the courage. And I think you're finding that most people aren't going to address that question because it's small potato's in comparison to the other problems you have going on here. You responded to my last post and stated that your husband torched the roof. Okay, I agree. I can roll with that. He can be blamed for 50% of the problems in your marriage and you should can own up to the other 50%. But you cheating was 100% on you. So, you need to own that when you tell him. He never wanted that and he didn't deserve that. He didn't do anything to force you to do that. You made a choice to cheat. So, whatever you do, do not blame him for the choices you made. That wasn't his fault. 1
SoleMate Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 I would start blocking her immediately, without any warning or last chances. To the extent that she had actual questions to ask, she's had a year for that. Anything that makes it through your blocking gets either deleted or deep-archived somewhere you can't easily see. Maybe autoforward them to an email acct where the pwd is held only by a trusted friend. (That way you could retrieve them in case of filing for a restraining order.) It strikes me that it may be difficult for you to disengage with the BS. I can't think of another exOW who's chosen to engage with the BW to the extent you have. It's possible these interactions are serving a need for you - but what, I cannot imagine. Once you take the focus off coping with the BS nagging at you, you can devote yourself to either: 1) leaving your marriage (which you claim to want to do, though tbh, I question that as you've taken no steps in all this time) 2) confessing and attempting to R with your H The one thing that ISN'T a viable choice is to continue on the way you're doing now. Sounds really hellish. I also recommend IC for you. 1
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 And I think you're finding that most people aren't going to address that question because it's small potato's in comparison to the other problems you have going on here. You responded to my last post and stated that your husband torched the roof. Okay, I agree. I can roll with that. He can be blamed for 50% of the problems in your marriage and you should can own up to the other 50%. But you cheating was 100% on you. So, you need to own that when you tell him. He never wanted that and he didn't deserve that. He didn't do anything to force you to do that. You made a choice to cheat. So, whatever you do, do not blame him for the choices you made. That wasn't his fault. If anything I thought I was perfectly clear that I don't blame him at all for the cheating.
Artie Lang Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 are you seriously asking why she's doing this... c'mon??? you were screwing her husband. i agree that this is harrasment, but if you go the legal way, she'll definetly inform your husband. as long as you keep this a secret, you're gonna be living on pins and needles. you know what you have to do. are you at least in the process of divorcing, as you claim? 6
dichotomy Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 As to why she continues to email you a year after......the hurt, the emotional and mental damage (illness?) from being cheated on can last years and years and years. Even if this BS is getting some therapy a few times a month (and maybe she can't or does not) you represent and "easy outlet" for her messed up head. God help me if I had had easy access (a key stroke away) and a willing respondent in OM way back then. 1
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 As to why she continues to email you a year after......the hurt, the emotional and mental damage (illness?) from being cheated on can last years and years and years. Even if this BS is getting some therapy a few times a month (and maybe she can't or does not) you represent and "easy outlet" for her messed up head. God help me if I had had easy access (a key stroke away) and a willing respondent in OM way back then. I know I probably shouldn't be answering any of her emails, but I feel like I owe her, and I do. She either isn't getting the answers she needs or wants from her WH, however she never seems satisfied with what I say either. It really is a mess. Affairs are the absolutely worst thing. 1
stillafool Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 What the point of the thread is, why is she continuously insulting me? I understand the anger and the initial contact, what I don't understand is why it's still going on a year later. Well that depends, how long were you effing her husband? She may never get over it.
Artie Lang Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 also, in your previous threads you say he wasn't married- what's the deal?
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 also, in your previous threads you say he wasn't married- what's the deal? They aren't technically married, I just used the abbreviations to make it reader friendly. They've been together for 15+ years.
BetrayedH Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 When I discovered my wife's workplace affair, she agreed to stop the affair and transfer. I gave her 90 days to make it happen and expected LC in the meantime and NC thereafter. The thought of them working together drove me mad. I met with the MOM because I also wanted to hear his intentions. I tood him I wouldn't tell his wife provided that he steered clear of mine and made her transfer happen. I made it about 45 days before I lost my fool mind envisioning him bending her over his desk. It drove me insane and I left work mid-day out of the blue to go tell his wife. Your xMM's W may feel some comfort in holding the potential exposure over your head. It's blackmail. Dichotomy is also right that the trauma from this lasts for years. Everytime she is suffering from the affair, she wants you to be suffering, too. This will continue until you remove the threat by confessing yourself. That's when you can take legal steps to stop the harrassment. Until then, she has you over a barrel. By the way, statistically a voluntary confession doubles the chances of a reconciliation. While it's not your goal, I bet it would also go a long way towards a more amicable divorce and coparenting scenario for you. It's time to find that courage so you can begin to dig out of this mess. 4
Sub Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 I understand the anger and the initial contact, what I don't understand is why it's still going on a year later. There's no set timetable for getting over it. And BS's can be seemingly fine for a while, then something triggers them into a variety of negative feelings. Two years after my D-Day, I was doing great. R with my wife was going really well. Then one day found myself about to angrily drive to the OM's apartment, just to say "Hi!" I ended up cooling out, but the mindf**k that occurs when discovering an A can make things unpredictable for a while. 2
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 There's no set timetable for getting over it. And BS's can be seemingly fine for a while, then something triggers them into a variety of negative feelings. Two years after my D-Day, I was doing great. R with my wife was going really well. Then one day found myself about to angrily drive to the OM's apartment, just to say "Hi!" I ended up cooling out, but the mindf**k that occurs when discovering an A can make things unpredictable for a while. I appreciate this response. I guess I assumed their R wasn't going well because of the correspondence. It's actually helpful to know that just because I hear from her, doesn't mean that her R isn't going well.
Artie Lang Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 i see. well, other than telling you the obvious- confessing to your husband -there's not much to be said. this woman is gonna hold this over your head for the foreseeable future unless you do something about it, and that has its consequences, as you very well know. believe me when i tell you that this is gonna be exposed one way or another, given the venom this woman is exhibiting. sounds like she has nothing to lose by destroying your reputation on social media. better it be by you than her, wouldn't you say?
Sub Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Plus, I'd be going nuts if my WW worked with the OM. I'd probably be making my presence felt to him if I knew he was still "present" in some fashion, just as a reminder that I existed. 1
Almond_Joy Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 I have tried that. She just makes up a new email address. It's a department email address, so I can't change it. Ask your IT department if they are able to block an IP address? Not sure maybe that only works for websites, but if it does work for email messages she won't be able to email you no matter how many addresses she makes. My only concern is that then she'll find a phone number or do something more drastic to get your attention. If your IT dept confirms an IP address can be blocked via email apps, write her a nice unsolicited email, explaining what you have here. You acknowledge you hurt her, and that her anger is justified. Assure her again there is nothing between you and her husband now. Lastly let her know though you do understand her anger....it's been a year, and you can't answer the questions she wants answers to. You've given her all the info you can. Wish her well or just say goodbye, then put the IP block in effect.
Almond_Joy Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 I am in no way justifying or defending my behavior. I know I'm in the wrong and she was an innocent victim. What the point of the thread is, why is she continuously insulting me? I understand the anger and the initial contact, what I don't understand is why it's still going on a year later. And I agree I need to tell my husband. And as I said before, I want to, I just haven't found the courage. I think she's stuck in this pattern because her husband is not giving her the support she needs in their marriage to move forward. She keeps asking questions because he's not convincing her that he's completely transparent and committed to regaining her trust. Not saying he's not trying, just saying whatever he's doing isn't cutting it. You have no control over that whatsoever. The best you can do is everything in your power to remove yourself from their lives. Without you there to harass she will have to change the pattern. It may be a change for the worse, but at least something will change. 1
Clay Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 If she is this upset and you block her she is liable to come to your work. She is liable to follow you home and wreck your whole life in one fell swoop. I would write her an email saying you are quitting the job now. I would tell her you will never talk to her H again. Actually quit. You played with fire and if you think your getting burned wait until she exposes you to your husband. Your world will be turned upside down and it will never go back. My son still hates his mom after seven years. He goes to see her but he will not open up to her in anyway. You have the chance to deal with this in a controlled way. Don't wait until its to late to deal with it yourself. Either confess to your Husband or get completely away from her man. Clay 1
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