grassisorisntgreener Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Not my BS...his. Backstory - textbook affair, co-workers, future faking, I love you's, the whole 9. He had a D-day, my husband has still not been informed. If he is, it will make my workplace extrememly uncomfortable. I have been actively looking for a new job so that I can finally be honest with him after all this time. Our marriage is not great and we are headed for separation anyway. I will not be confessing and looking to R. Classic exit affair. Here is my issue. My FOM's BS will not leave me alone. D day was one year ago this month. She didn't know my name. As soon as she found out who I was, a few months later, it has been strict NC since. I don't hear from him, I don't reach out to him. But I hear from her weekly. She knows my email because she knows where I work. Sometimes she asks questions, which I always answer, and sometimes she is just calling me names and telling me what a horrible person I am. I definitely think she feels like I am blissfully happy and smug while she is sad and miserable. I am always to the point in my replies, and I answer all her questions honestly. She always follows up with "I don't believe anything you say" or "You're an effing liar!!" I'm at a loss. It's been a year now since her D-day. She constantly brings up how hurt my husband would be if he found out (very true), and all of her insults are justified. I know she is hurting, I understand it. But I have done what she has asked. I have stuck to NC... How long are these emails full of insults justified? Do I just have to take it forever because I'm a WW? I have no idea if she has told him about our correspondence. I can only assume he isn't doing nearly enough to show he is remorseful..but I'm not going to reach out to him and ask, obviously. I'm just kind of at a loss. I know I messed up, I know that I have hurt people, but I don't know how her insulting me on a weekly basis is helping anything. I know she goes to my social media pages. I lock them and block as best as I know how. I just feel like she has no trust in him, or myself and thinks we are still talking, despite me telling her repeatedly that we do not. So...ideas? Do I just roll with it? I am always polite in my replies, I never blame shift. I don't swear at her or call her any names. But I think that actually makes her angrier. Thoughts on this situation?
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 You can always block her on your email. I have tried that. She just makes up a new email address. It's a department email address, so I can't change it.
oldshirt Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 You are giving her reinforcement with your relies. You are feeding her fire and giving her motivation to continue the harassment. Stop reinforcing her bad behavior and she will eventually stop. She knows she's getting under your skin and making you miserable so she keeps doing it. Emails are legal documents and electronic harassment is a crime. Send her a professionally worded email that you have nothing more to discuss with her and that you no longer want to have any kind of contact with her and that she is not welcome to have any more contact with you whether it be in person, email, social network, phone, text etc and any further contact will be considered harassment/stalking and will be reported to the authorities accordingly. Since it is a work computer and email, your employer can also put the smack down on it and can also file a complaint if she does not comply. All email correspondence are considered discoverable documents and can be entered as evidence in court so save your email telling her to knock it off and save any other emails or other communications from her as evidence. 4
rumbleseat Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Her keeping this up isn't doing anyone any good. One thing you could try. Send her a carefully worded email that explains to her that you do not wish to hear from her anymore, but you are willing, one last time, to answer her questions. Give her a specific date that you expect to hear from her by with her questions. Compose your answers, Nd at the end of your reply, let her know that any further contact from her will be considered harassment and you will act accordingly. This way, your conscience will be clear that you have done everything you can to help her, and you will gave also been very explicit that you will not accept any further contact. I hope she gets the message. 1
Sub Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 I definitely think she feels like I am blissfully happy and smug while she is sad and miserable. If she knows that your BH isn't aware of the A, she may feel like you've gotten off scott-free. It can cause resentment and the sense that you're being "smug" about things. 2
Chi townD Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Thoughts on this? Yeah, one. Stand by because your husband is going to find out shortly. She's going to have an extremely bad day and say, "Screw it, he deserves to know. She shouldn't get away with this scott free while I have to suffer what she did." Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned!!! So, be ready because your life is about to go to hell in a handcart pretty quickly here. 1
BHsigh Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 I have to second the idea of a carefully worded, professional email about a final date that you will answer any of her questions, give her maybe a week or two, then specify that after that there is to be no contact. If that doesn't work, then perhaps a cease and desist letter from a lawyer or a warning from the police department. I do have to give you major props for being polite and patient with her. It does sound like she wants you to be angry, she's still hurt and hates seeing you as doing ok, since you've been so nice and polite, she may see it as condescending. I'm not defending her doing that of course, you are acting in the way that you should, she's just not seeing it the way that she should. (Oh, and it's been a year and you still haven't disclosed to your husband? You need to open up a new thread on that one.) 1
BHsigh Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Thoughts on this? Yeah, one. Stand by because your husband is going to find out shortly. She's going to have an extremely bad day and say, "Screw it, he deserves to know. She shouldn't get away with this scott free while I have to suffer what she did." Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned!!! So, be ready because your life is about to go to hell in a handcart pretty quickly here. This is true, and I'm honestly surprised that she hasn't said anything to him already, it is really strange. Perhaps she's been saving all of the emails that you have been replying to, to send to your husband, I know that I would have. 2
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 In short, I am a complete coward. In every sense of the word. I am so scared of the fall out that I am paralyzed with fear. My husband, while not perfect, in no way deserves any of this. It makes me feel horrible to think of how he would react if he knew the truth. I live in fear every single day that when I get home, my clothes and belongings will be thrown onto the lawn. I am never relaxed. My entire life is suffering. I need to tell him. I just don't have the courage. It's embarrassing how much of a wimp I am. I don't tell her any of these things, which I am sure is why she thinks I am happy and smug. I am a complete wreck.
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 This is true, and I'm honestly surprised that she hasn't said anything to him already, it is really strange. Perhaps she's been saving all of the emails that you have been replying to, to send to your husband, I know that I would have. I have no doubts about this as well. He is going to find out one way or the other.
Sofie2013 Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 (edited) Not my BS...his. Backstory - textbook affair, co-workers, future faking, I love you's, the whole 9. He had a D-day, my husband has still not been informed. If he is, it will make my workplace extrememly uncomfortable. I have been actively looking for a new job so that I can finally be honest with him after all this time. Our marriage is not great and we are headed for separation anyway. I will not be confessing and looking to R. Classic exit affair. If you are already planning on leaving your husband then do him a favor and don’t tell him. Save him from the pain he will suffer. I don’t see anything good that can come from him knowing you will only hurt him more. It already been a year since you ended the affair the time to be honest was then not now a year later. I don’t believe your exMM BS will say anything it’s already been a year she would have done it already if she ever was. Edited March 13, 2014 by Sofie2013 2
dichotomy Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 "Our marriage is not great and we are headed for separation anyway" Well then get on with it - end it. I kind of feel you can tell him and be accountable then after it is over. But if your separation or divorce is many months or even year or two away -and he/you are both having some sort of marriage meanwhile - tell him. 3
Sub Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 I don’t believe your exMM BS will say anything it’s already been a year she would have done it already if she ever was. I know a bunch of cases where people disclosed things to others a long time after D-Day. I don't think she can rely on this way of thinking. 2
BHsigh Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 In short, I am a complete coward. In every sense of the word. I am so scared of the fall out that I am paralyzed with fear. My husband, while not perfect, in no way deserves any of this. It makes me feel horrible to think of how he would react if he knew the truth. I live in fear every single day that when I get home, my clothes and belongings will be thrown onto the lawn. I am never relaxed. My entire life is suffering. I need to tell him. I just don't have the courage. It's embarrassing how much of a wimp I am. I don't tell her any of these things, which I am sure is why she thinks I am happy and smug. I am a complete wreck. Honestly, as a BS myself, I have a lot of sympathy for her, but if she's upset that you haven't been outed she should have informed your husband long ago. She couldn't be faulted for doing so, particularly since she still seems worried that her WH may still be contacting you, it would help give her peace of mind. I don't want to thread jack onto the issue of you telling your husband, I will answer your post though. You do know that telling him will solve a lot of these problems right? You won't have to live in fear that someone else will out you. This has to be stressful on you to live in hiding like this. And have you ever thought about how much hiding your affair has affected your marriage and how you react with your husband? I know that when my wife was hiding her affair, months after it was over, we were on our way to separation as well. It is impossible to fairly communicate with him about your relationship while you're hiding something this big about your relationship from him. 2
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 I know a bunch of cases where people disclosed things to others a long time after D-Day. I don't think she can rely on this way of thinking. I think I'm safe as long as I'm married. If she finds out I'm separated, I think that's when she would tell. I think she is worried that if I divorce, I will immediately go after her man. Or at least that's what I tell myself to try to justify her constant emails.
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 Honestly, as a BS myself, I have a lot of sympathy for her, but if she's upset that you haven't been outed she should have informed your husband long ago. She couldn't be faulted for doing so, particularly since she still seems worried that her WH may still be contacting you, it would help give her peace of mind. I don't want to thread jack onto the issue of you telling your husband, I will answer your post though. You do know that telling him will solve a lot of these problems right? You won't have to live in fear that someone else will out you. This has to be stressful on you to live in hiding like this. And have you ever thought about how much hiding your affair has affected your marriage and how you react with your husband? I know that when my wife was hiding her affair, months after it was over, we were on our way to separation as well. It is impossible to fairly communicate with him about your relationship while you're hiding something this big about your relationship from him. I know. He needs to know, and I need to tell him. I WANT to tell him. I think that if xMM and I weren't co-workers I'd have had the strength, but then sometimes I think I just tell myself that as an excuse why I haven't. I am so ashamed of myself. I don't know if I can bare to look in his eyes after I tell him :( It kills me. While I feel no romantic connection to him anymore, I do love him and I don't want him to hurt because of my terrible decisions. Edited to add - We work for the same department, but 3 hours away from each other, so face to face contact is very minimal and hasn't happened in several months. The last time I saw him, we were in NC and we didn't talk or even make eye contact, I walked by quickly and sat in my office with the door shut then entire day. 1
BHsigh Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 I know. He needs to know, and I need to tell him. I WANT to tell him. I think that if xMM and I weren't co-workers I'd have had the strength, but then sometimes I think I just tell myself that as an excuse why I haven't. I am so ashamed of myself. I don't know if I can bare to look in his eyes after I tell him :( It kills me. While I feel no romantic connection to him anymore, I do love him and I don't want him to hurt because of my terrible decisions. Well, that is a very big concern that you're still co-workers, it's no wonder his BS keeps hounding you. She may be afraid that he'll lose his job if she outs you to your husband, that may be the only reason your BH doesn't know right now. Also, let me say that having and hiding an affair can kill most romantic feeling that you have for your husband. I know it's just a personal story, my wife said the same thing, but that started to change when I found out about her A and left her for a few months. 1
Chi townD Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Not my BS...his. Backstory - textbook affair, co-workers, future faking, I love you's, the whole 9. He had a D-day, my husband has still not been informed. If he is, it will make my workplace extrememly uncomfortable. I have been actively looking for a new job so that I can finally be honest with him after all this time. Our marriage is not great and we are headed for separation anyway. I will not be confessing and looking to R. Classic exit affair. So, what's stopping you from telling him if you don't care anyway? You're going to separate and divorce him anyway, but you're going to let him agonize for years always asking himself what HE did wrong in the marriage? What HE did that caused you not to be with him? Here's what I think. I might be wrong, but I think some points will probably hit home. I think your husband is a great guy. A good catch and a decent provider and good person all around. But, because you entered an affair you demonized him in your mind. You would pick fights with him to justify your affair in your head, "If he wasn't such a jackass then I wouldn't be doing this." And you demonized him because if he showed you any love and affection the guilt ate you up. Like, you didn't deserve his love because of what you were doing to him. It made you uncomfortable. Therefore, the thought of him touching you made you sick. And THAT'S why you don't want to tell him. Because the guy that promised to love you forever is going to be in so much pain that you can bear to watch it. Knowing that you caused that pain. To see him in agony. And you did that. That doesn't sound like a woman that doesn't give a sh*t. You want to separate and divorce because THAT'S what you would do if the shoe was on the other foot. That's why you've given up on your husband and the sad part is, he doesn't know why. You may have caught him looking at you and it reminded you of a scared little kid walking on eggshells around you. So, don't you think he needs to know the truth so he can make an informed decision as to where he wants to go in life? If he wants out of the marriage or not? Here's the rub, you were in the drivers seat when you decided to cheat. Now, you're trying to stay in that drivers seat as too where your marriage is headed. That's not your choice anymore. He has the right to know to make his own informed decision. 3
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 Well, that is a very big concern that you're still co-workers, it's no wonder his BS keeps hounding you. She may be afraid that he'll lose his job if she outs you to your husband, that may be the only reason your BH doesn't know right now. Also, let me say that having and hiding an affair can kill most romantic feeling that you have for your husband. I know it's just a personal story, my wife said the same thing, but that started to change when I found out about her A and left her for a few months. I completely agree with this. I feel like a zombie most days. I want to be free of this entire thing, but apparently not enough to say something And yes, I think his job is a huge reason why she hasn't said anything.
BHsigh Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 I know. He needs to know, and I need to tell him. I WANT to tell him. I think that if xMM and I weren't co-workers I'd have had the strength, but then sometimes I think I just tell myself that as an excuse why I haven't. I am so ashamed of myself. I don't know if I can bare to look in his eyes after I tell him :( It kills me. While I feel no romantic connection to him anymore, I do love him and I don't want him to hurt because of my terrible decisions. Edited to add - We work for the same department, but 3 hours away from each other, so face to face contact is very minimal and hasn't happened in several months. The last time I saw him, we were in NC and we didn't talk or even make eye contact, I walked by quickly and sat in my office with the door shut then entire day. Do you have kids together? If not, and you really do not have any romantic feelingms for him, then you just need to get it over with and file for divorce, if you truly don't want to reconcile that is.
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 So, what's stopping you from telling him if you don't care anyway? You're going to separate and divorce him anyway, but you're going to let him agonize for years always asking himself what HE did wrong in the marriage? What HE did that caused you not to be with him? Here's what I think. I might be wrong, but I think some points will probably hit home. I think your husband is a great guy. A good catch and a decent provider and good person all around. But, because you entered an affair you demonized him in your mind. You would pick fights with him to justify your affair in your head, "If he wasn't such a jackass then I wouldn't be doing this." And you demonized him because if he showed you any love and affection the guilt ate you up. Like, you didn't deserve his love because of what you were doing to him. It made you uncomfortable. Therefore, the thought of him touching you made you sick. And THAT'S why you don't want to tell him. Because the guy that promised to love you forever is going to be in so much pain that you can bear to watch it. Knowing that you caused that pain. To see him in agony. And you did that. That doesn't sound like a woman that doesn't give a sh*t. You want to separate and divorce because THAT'S what you would do if the shoe was on the other foot. That's why you've given up on your husband and the sad part is, he doesn't know why. You may have caught him looking at you and it reminded you of a scared little kid walking on eggshells around you. So, don't you think he needs to know the truth so he can make an informed decision as to where he wants to go in life? If he wants out of the marriage or not? Here's the rub, you were in the drivers seat when you decided to cheat. Now, you're trying to stay in that drivers seat as too where your marriage is headed. That's not your choice anymore. He has the right to know to make his own informed decision. Yes, I can't argue with any of this. I tried and deleted, you are exactly right. Only I do care about him, it isn't that I don't care. If I didn't care it would make this whole thing easier. He wasn't a great husband, but he has made some major changes, I couldn't complain now if I wanted. I don't feel I deserve him anymore.
BHsigh Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Do you have kids together? If not, and you really do not have any romantic feelingms for him, then you just need to get it over with and file for divorce, if you truly don't want to reconcile that is. I also meant to add that you should confess to him in either case, he deserves to know right? 1
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 Do you have kids together? If not, and you really do not have any romantic feelingms for him, then you just need to get it over with and file for divorce, if you truly don't want to reconcile that is. Yes we have children, otherwise this would be much easier.
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 I also meant to add that you should confess to him in either case, he deserves to know right? Agree completely!
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