Death of an ex

[Averagetoe]

Beginning of February the girl I've been dating since October lost one of her ex boyfriend/good friend and now she has become quite distant from me. Before the death everything was great we spent lots of time together but after, everything turned to ****. We still text each other everyday but her texts are much more to the point but she still initiates it, the biggest issue is she doesn't make time for me anymore we use to see each other about 6 times a week and instead hangs out with her friends and she has lots of friends so I can her week being occupied when each day consists of a new group. Sometimes She will ditch plans we had made together if her friends asks her to hang out. Her main excuse for ditching me is "i just have a lot going on right now," she would then say I really do miss hanging out with you. I know she has mentioned that she isn't ready for a relationship (this was said after the death) but I don't mind taking it slow since I'm indifferent of finding the one right now but I almost feel though she wants nothing to do with me. I haven't seen her in a week and we live 15 mins from each other. Do you guys think she is still grieving or does she not want anything to do with me anymore? Should I stop texting her and give her space? Am I being to needy? Or any other opinions you may have please let me know. I feel hopeless and lost

[amaysngrace]

I'd give her space. She's mourning him and that's understandable.

 

I would try not to take it personally because it just happened to be you that was with her when he died. It's not about you though.

 

How much do you like her? Are you willing to wait for her? Or is the way she's being now a major turn off for you?

[Averagetoe]

I'd give her space. She's mourning him and that's understandable.

 

I would try not to take it personally because it just happened to be you that was with her when he died. It's not about you though.

 

How much do you like her? Are you willing to wait for her? Or is the way she's being now a major turn off for you?

 

I really do like her, her personality is awesome and I am willing to wait but the way she is currently acting I feel more confused rather than turned off.

[amaysngrace]

I really do like her, her personality is awesome and I am willing to wait but the way she is currently acting I feel more confused rather than turned off.

 

Tell her that. Find out what's going on with her and where her head is at.

 

Even if she tells you what you may not want to hear it's much better than you being confused and wondering.

 

You may be putting your life on hold for no good reason. Find out.

[Never Again]

This could last awhile and could have affects that aren't 100% obvious.

 

Be aware of that.

 

I did the same thing, but it happened months after my ex's death. I didn't let myself grieve right away, and I pulled away while I was going through it.

 

The girl I was seeing lost romantic feelings for me because how I was acting became a big turn off for her.

 

My suggestion, from having been on the other side of this, is talk to her first...then be respectful and give her space.

 

Let her know that you like her and you don't plan on abandoning her, but that you'll give her the space she needs to do what she needs to do. Take it a day at a time and don't take it personally.

 

This stuff can be difficult.

[Averagetoe]

Tell her that. Find out what's going on with her and where her head is at.

 

Even if she tells you what you may not want to hear it's much better than you being confused and wondering.

 

You may be putting your life on hold for no good reason. Find out.

 

This is such a dilemma I really want to talk to her about everything but she isn't giving me the chance to talk to here face to face right now. This is something I'm probably not going to text her about.

[lauri]

This is such a dilemma I really want to talk to her about everything but she isn't giving me the chance to talk to here face to face right now. This is something I'm probably not going to text her about.

 

Whatever you do, do not act weak and needy at all.

 

If you want to show you are strong and understanding, you need to back off completely and tell her you want to be there for her but you don't want to smoother her. Each person mourns differently and to be honest, even if she did not love her ex anymore, he was probably a part of her life and it is sad to know that someone you spend so much time together / memories is gone.

 

My suggestion is don't talk to her about this at all. Be understanding, she lost an old friend / ex, etc that she has a lot of memories. This is not the time to be wanting her attention.

 

If you do this, I see her more coming to you and realizing that you are a good, understanding guy who is willing to let her breathe when she needs to. If you don't, she will be turned off and think you are inconsiderate in my opinion.

[Averagetoe]

Whatever you do, do not act weak and needy at all.

 

If you want to show you are strong and understanding, you need to back off completely and tell her you want to be there for her but you don't want to smoother her. Each person mourns differently and to be honest, even if she did not love her ex anymore, he was probably a part of her life and it is sad to know that someone you spend so much time together / memories is gone.

 

My suggestion is don't talk to her about this at all. Be understanding, she lost an old friend / ex, etc that she has a lot of memories. This is not the time to be wanting her attention.

 

If you do this, I see her more coming to you and realizing that you are a good, understanding guy who is willing to let her breathe when she needs to. If you don't, she will be turned off and think you are inconsiderate in my opinion.

 

I really just want to see her and tell her that I'll be there for her,it just doesn't seem right texting her about it. I also don't want her to think that I am starting to abandon her. I think because this is my first intimate relationship I feel as though I am completely heart broken from this.

 

I've asked to see her 3days out of 4 this week and she agreed on one of them but flaked out because her friend wanted to hang with her another one of her excuse was because one of her drunk friend showed up peed and puked everywhere. Should I stop asking?

Edited March 14, 2014 by Averagetoe

[lauri]

I really just want to see her and tell her that I'll be there for her,it just doesn't seem right texting her about it. I also don't want her to think that I am starting to abandon her. I think because this is my first intimate relationship I feel as though I am completely heart broken from this.

 

I've asked to see her 3days out of 4 this week and she agreed on one of them but flaked out because her friend wanted to hang with her another one of her excuse was because one of her drunk friend showed up peed and puked everywhere. Should I stop asking?

 

Excuses are bad news...but do not worry not all is lost. You still have a chance to save this and keep her interest level in you high. You need to maintain self-control and not appear weak. During these times, she needs someone strong and understanding.

 

If I was you, I would stop asking. Back off completely, you don't need to see her. I would give her a call and tell her you understand she is going through a lot and that you may have come off needy but you just wanted to be there for her. Say you will be around but you won't bother her at all.

 

I suggest you let her come to you instead of chasing her in these times.

[d0nnivain]

Ask her how you can help her.

 

Six weeks into my new relationship with the man who is now my husband, my EX died. I was devastated, not because I wanted him to back but because I wanted him alive. DH supported me through the whole thing, let me & still lets me talk about the guy, is understanding about the relationship I still maintain with my EX's son.

 

Especially if she is young, this may be her 1st experience with loss.

 

Whatever she's feeling has nothing to do with you.

[Averagetoe]

Ask her how you can help her.

 

Six weeks into my new relationship with the man who is now my husband, my EX died. I was devastated, not because I wanted him to back but because I wanted him alive. DH supported me through the whole thing, let me & still lets me talk about the guy, is understanding about the relationship I still maintain with my EX's son.

 

Especially if she is young, this may be her 1st experience with loss.

 

Whatever she's feeling has nothing to do with you.

 

I want to support her but she is the type of girl that doesn't express her feelings so sometimes I have no idea what she's feeling.

 

This is the first person I seriously cared for and the first person I thought I could have started a relationship with, although I am still very new at the dating scene I've probably made plenty of mistakes. "the brain is an amazing organ it works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year right from your birth until you fall in love."

 

How do you guys suppose I give her space? Should I not text her anymore and let her initiate, not ask to see her or come over, or initiate dinners.

[David87]

Let her initiate the next conversation, don't text her until she does. From what your telling your bound isn't that strong. She is obviously hurting for losing her ex in this way.

[d0nnivain]

If you don't text until she does, you will never hear from her again. Her whole world is upside down & she will conclude that you went away because in your eyes she wasn't worth the effort.

 

 

Text her once daily with something short & sweet. "I'm thinking about you." "hope you have a good day" or with an inspirational quote.

 

 

Call once per week. Keep the focus on her.

 

 

In about two weeks ask to see her. Wrap your arms around her & ask how you can help her. Offer to just hold her.

 

 

Don't push dinner on her. Don't make this about you.

[Itspointless]

Having lost my mother to an illness when I was 19 - almost 16 years ago - I agree very much with the comments d0nnivain has made.

 

I am always surprised that people advice to not be weak. Even when my mother died I had no problems with people showing their own emotions and personal problems to me. But you told that she is a closed up person, so perhaps it is better to not do that with her.

 

I wouldn't message her every day, especially because she is a somewhat closed person. I think I made that mistake with my ex when she told me she had serious health problems. She asked me time and did not want to tell what was wrong yet. After that she was gone three weeks to family. That trip was already planned for some time. I noticed the first week when she was gone that my good mornings and good nights weren't met with much enthusiasm, even as I tried to be a really positive force. I advice you to send a message once every few days. Just enough to let her know you are in the background and that you care. Tell her that she can reach you if she wants, but that you understand if she wants some time alone or with friends.

[Never Again]

If you don't text until she does, you will never hear from her again. Her whole world is upside down & she will conclude that you went away because in your eyes she wasn't worth the effort.

 

 

Text her once daily with something short & sweet. "I'm thinking about you." "hope you have a good day" or with an inspirational quote.

 

 

Call once per week. Keep the focus on her.

 

 

In about two weeks ask to see her. Wrap your arms around her & ask how you can help her. Offer to just hold her.

 

 

Don't push dinner on her. Don't make this about you.

 

This.

 

Don't stop reaching out to her, but don't push.

 

This stuff is super tricky to deal with. She may act out, act in an unattractive manner, get testy, etc.

 

This is going to be an emotionally turbulent time for her, and she may be fearful of chasing you off.

 

Do not push her or make this stuff about you, but don't back off completely. Let her know that you're there for her, that you want to support her, but you'll work at her speed...her pace.

 

Right now, you can't worry about "challenging" her. Be yourself, do your own thing, but help her when you can. You'd be surprised at the kind of closeness this stuff can bring.

 

However, make sure she copes properly. You can't force it, but check in with her. There's a reason for why I say this - I never dealt with this properly when I went through it, and screwed up my relationship completely.

 

She likely WILL act unattractive and turn you off a bit. She'll bounce around. She might be emotional, cold, boring, or weird. This could drain her and leave her listless and lost if she doesn't deal with it properly, and knowing you're there to help her may be beneficial for you both.

[Averagetoe]

This.

 

Don't stop reaching out to her, but don't push.

 

This stuff is super tricky to deal with. She may act out, act in an unattractive manner, get testy, etc.

 

This is going to be an emotionally turbulent time for her, and she may be fearful of chasing you off.

 

Do not push her or make this stuff about you, but don't back off completely. Let her know that you're there for her, that you want to support her, but you'll work at her speed...her pace.

 

Right now, you can't worry about "challenging" her. Be yourself, do your own thing, but help her when you can. You'd be surprised at the kind of closeness this stuff can bring.

 

However, make sure she copes properly. You can't force it, but check in with her. There's a reason for why I say this - I never dealt with this properly when I went through it, and screwed up my relationship completely.

 

She likely WILL act unattractive and turn you off a bit. She'll bounce around. She might be emotional, cold, boring, or weird. This could drain her and leave her listless and lost if she doesn't deal with it properly, and knowing you're there to help her may be beneficial for you both.

 

On the days I do not contact her and it gets later in the day I'll get a text from her asking how my day was....this has happened everytime without fail. I am definitely not challenging her in any way. My thing is that it's been over a month now and at the beginning of the death she was fine it's just the last couple weeks where she began to withdraw......do you think this is the way shes coping? And how long does one cope for? I know that answer is based on the person but it's just such a mind trip right now

[Averagetoe]

Holy crap it just dawned on me but do women do this?

 

Is she testing me? Maybe she is seeing if I'm serious about her by not seeing me and see if I leave or not. I texted her a couple nights ago asking can we make it soooon (meeting each other) and she replays yes I hope so.....

I forgot to mention last week Tuesday we went on a two day getaway.

 

Lol I'm probably over analyzing everything

[Itspointless]

She needs as long as she needs for it. If she went away with you for two days she apparently is giving you already lots of her time. I have been in a long-distance for a brief while. Two or three days a month were heaven. I do not see a problem if she is texting you every day. Or are you the kind of person that wants all her time? Just give the woman some space.

[Never Again]

It took me 2-3 months to recover from the death of my ex.

 

However, I didn't really start coping until almost 5 months after the death. I didn't pull away like your girl at first, but I did later. Big time. I became "not ready for a relationship" but didn't want to lose mine, so I was struggling to keep my head above water.

 

I couldn't truly contribute to the relationship and it stagnated and died. I wish I'd opened up or handled things better, but I also wish the girl I was seeing had offered to have a heart-to-heart before losing interest and dumping me.

 

Anyways, the point I'm making is: this really could take awhile. She's going to need to feel safe talking to you, and sometimes you'll need to initiate the "talks". This is not something that's gender specific, so don't worry about being "the man". Death is tricky, and grieving is difficult. A simple "Do you need to talk about it?", "I'm here if you need me", or "I want to know what you're thinking and how you're feeling, if you ever feel ready to talk about it".

 

This stuff is rough and, like I said before, can have effects that are subtle and long lasting.