brunettebarbie Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 My boyfriend of 1yr has recently moved out and has officially separated from his wife. He has spent the night at my place for the past week. He has had some serious issues with his teen and some changes with his job then he separated. About a week before this all happened. .he has stopped doing the little simple things such as good morning/ have a nice day text, answers are very short or answers with a or I feel the same. Says I love you but not as much. He seems to not speak or show as much emotion as he use to..always use to be so tell me how thankful and he doesn't know what he would do without me..things like that. He doesn't call or text as often as he use, not even to say how your day. Hugs me but just with one arm around me. Rarely flirts with me or can't remember the last time he complimented me. We talked about getting married some day now he just said we don't have to get married we can be a couple forever without the paper (which is true and ok). I understand he is going through alot of emotional stress right now and I am being as supportive as I can..however that shouldn't change the way he interacts or feels for me. Almost seems like he is just going thru the motions..I have tried to talk to him but again he doesn't say much or tries to avoid it. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or am I not fully understanding his emotions.
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 This could be an acute spell of all the stressors in his life getting to him. Was this a gradual change in how he acts or was it like *bam* one day he just was different? And I should ask - how is the sex life? Any changes there as well?
Gaeta Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Everything is about the change of dynamic here. You went from being the mistress,the forbidden fruit, you were exciting in that role and offered him a needed distraction from his problems. As long as he was with his wife he could not seriously commit to you so it was safe to live the fantasy and be all lovey dovey. Now it's a new dynamic, he is a free man, you're a free woman and he is put in front of the facts that he promised you something ----> he cannot deliver. He's slowly pulling away. My advice to you would be to let him. If someone wants to leave your life don't hold them back. He is sorting his life and there is no guarantee he won't go back to his ex at the end of the day. It was a big gamble to enter a relationship with a married man, now you see why. I am sorry for your pain. 4
Author brunettebarbie Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 no changes in the sex life and the changes were gradual
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 no changes in the sex life and the changes were gradual I'd give him some time then. Best case scenario is it is bz of stress and he'll come out of the funk. Though Gaeta makes a good point and it could also be that you are now the "boring" relationship and he's gotta start hunting around for a new mistress But too soon to jump to conclusions.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Your boyfriend? his wife? wtf? Look, you were the side-show not the main attraction...now that he's moving into a different phase of his life, the reality is setting in and his actual life is changing and not these just random get-away's with you on the side while he moans to you about all the troubles of his life, things are actually shifting for him...you're no longer that distraction he needs on the side, his primary life is changing, therefore he will change. It's easy in the situation he was in to be all lovey dovey and so dependent on you, after all he had the perfect excuse not to commit or back up any of his words because of that situation, but what he was doing and how he is acting with you was because of the circumstances he was in...that was the main purpose, it wasn't about you and your love and all of that, that's all clouded with conflicting emotions and issues that the guy is going through in his life or marriage, which I'm sure there are lingering issues and emotions there because it's very rare I see couples in a marriage actually work and iron things out and get on this amicable and respectable level of where they're actually just a partnership than a married couple, then that would just kind of a technicality that they're working to clear up, but that's rarely the case, therefore it's typical he would be going through some of these emotions. On top of that, even if the above was the case and let's just do the whole "benefit of the doubt" BS and say that he's just going through some issues right now, and I'm suuure he'll come around again and be the guy he used to be and all that crap...but it's still, just the honeymoon phase, I mean how old are you? haven't you talked to anyone about this whole situation or are you just not listening and being the typical "I believe everything he says, he wouldn't like to meeeee" *swooon*, he's just doing the basic things guys do when they're all into a girl initially and I'm sure he was talking out of his butt like many guys do in the throws of those emotions....you don't take that crap to the bank, you only believe that when you see it. Anyway, it's best you start using your own brain instead of following him around like a baby lamb waiting for him to throw you a few....whatever lambs eat, hays. You're going to have to listen to your gut and start accepting some the truths here before you're completely blind-sided and kicked up the butt out of your fantasy world because chances are...this guys going to pull away now not move closer, now all that stuff in the past he used to like doing with you and being with you...is going to be too close for comfort and now that the dynamic has changed he's probably going to want his own space...so I very much doubt you're moving forward with this like you thought it would once he got divorced because of all the sob stories he told you while in that marriage and probably how terrible she was and this and that, I don't know what he's told you but I can tell based on what you've said so far that it's nothing that hasn't been done or said before by a billion other men that has been in his shoes just because he was in an unhappy situation/marriage in his life. 7
Author brunettebarbie Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 Getting involved in the situation I am in..I didn't go looking for it and I should know it's not right. I want to believe people, give them 2nd chances and benefit of the doubt. At what point do I say hey this isn't fair to me. Something he said the other day didn't sit well with me. We were watching the Bachelor and he got a bit emotional. I asked why.. he said I'm tired of Watching everyone being happy and have it all. I said first off its reality tv and 2nd what do you mean not happy?? I have also noticed he wants to move where he cant afford to and wants the nice things. Nobody wants to financial struggle. .but I said do u need big and the best things to be happy? Maybe I need to let him be until he settles, then if he wants to be with me if I am available then great
Gaeta Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Getting involved in the situation I am in..I didn't go looking for it and I should know it's not right. I want to believe people, give them 2nd chances and benefit of the doubt. At what point do I say hey this isn't fair to me. Something he said the other day didn't sit well with me. We were watching the Bachelor and he got a bit emotional. I asked why.. he said I'm tired of Watching everyone being happy and have it all. I said first off its reality tv and 2nd what do you mean not happy?? I have also noticed he wants to move where he cant afford to and wants the nice things. Nobody wants to financial struggle. .but I said do u need big and the best things to be happy? Maybe I need to let him be until he settles, then if he wants to be with me if I am available then great That had to hurt, he's just told you you do not bring him any kind of happiness. He's already emotionally checked out, you see that right? He's dreaming big while the divorce papers have not been served yet.
Author brunettebarbie Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 As much as I don't want to see it or believe it.. Unfortunately I do. I thought he was beginning to learn and know that happiness is worth more material things. I have started to realize that you can't make a person feel something they dont feel. I told him he is going to lose something in the end and more than likely it will be me. It hurts to let go but hurts more to hang on
Author brunettebarbie Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 U are right and also I noticed he will reference to my past indirectly or say it will always be in the back if my mind.. I thunk he does that because he is guilty of his own past behavior. Every one has a past..had nothing to do with him and that's where it should stay. These boards are a way for me to think out loud
Phantom888 Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 He is stressed. He is confused by uncertainties. He doesn't plan to marry you because it's too messy when you eventually break up. Yes, he is already foreseeing the breakup. Men give all kinds of excuses not to marry. Also, what took him so long to move out? So he has been cheating on his wife for a year before he decided to leave? There are a lot of red flags, but I would concentrate on what is at hand. He doesn't know what the future is. His feelings for you is over-powered by his stress, and he really is bothered. Don't be surprised if he suddenly disappears. There are plenty of warnings before people break up. I'm sorry to say, his behavior is very similar to mine before a broke up with my long-term GF for 2 years.
FoolishOW Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 Brunette... Take a nice long, deep breath. Now consider that this man is going through the throws of a new separation from his wife. His marriage is ending, and his life is changing dramatically. He's looking for a new place to live and has a million things running through his mind, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. That said, I'm having a little bit of a hard time understanding how in the world you could possibly think that his priorities right now, or his emotions, or thoughts, or concerns would be focused on YOU right now. Good Lord... It almost seems like you haven't even grasped the fact that he has more than enough stressors on his plate right now. How can you possibly expect him to meet, or be concerned about your needs at a time when he hasn't even processed his own needs. THIS is not the time to be concerned about YOU. There isn't even a point to going into the rest of the details about your relationship with this man right now, because until you can understand and appreciate the weight of the changes he's experiencing right now, the rest of what you've shared in your post is irrelevant. You've even pointed out that you don't support his choice of living arrangements, tossing in negative comments about what he can and can't afford. Here's the deal. Bow out for a while. Let this guy have plenty of time and space to adjust to his unfamiliar surroundings, make his own decisions, set himself up to move forward in whatever way he sees fit, without any undue comments from the peanut gallery. He knows where you live, so when he's ready to resume, he'll be back. If you care about him, you should want to give him that much. If it becomes apparent at some point that he's gone MIA, then you'll know, it wasn't quite the relationship you thought it was. Good luck to you! 1
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 Advice to you? PULL BACK! Don't whine or complain! Don't answer calls and texts, don't initiate contact! Make yourself scarce! If he asks, tell him your giving him the space he needs. Stay far removed. If he was ever serious about a relationship with you outside of his marriage, he'll change his tune post haste. If not, you have your answer. 4
AjisenHi Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 That's good sensible advice, brunettebarbie, please be strong and do what you already know is the right thing to do. His fantasy is collapsing and reality is creeping in, so you are now looking at him at his most exposed. Take a good look at him for he seems to think he is entitled to happiness. We all want happiness but both you and I know that it is not a right and it is not material things and it has to be worked for. Good luck to you:)
Devastated1969 Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I'm sorry for your pain... I agree with the other posters here that you should back off and let him deal with all the changes in his life. I found out the hard way that going too fast will not work out. Focus on yourself and allow him to work through the practical and emotional changes he faces before he can even contemplate a new and committed relationship. Hugs x
Author brunettebarbie Posted March 14, 2014 Author Posted March 14, 2014 Every time I try to talk to him so I can better understand what is going on and what he needs..he just wants to nap, sleep or doesn't say much. We always said communication is what we do best but lately there hasn't been much of it. Guys aren't always big on sharing emotions and feelings. .But how can I better know what he needs and understand him if he won't talk to me.
Author brunettebarbie Posted March 14, 2014 Author Posted March 14, 2014 We talked briefly this morning. I told him what I was feeling. He said if you love me and are there for me..if you do you do..if you don't you don't. I took it a few different ways. He said nobody can begin to understand what he is going thru. he said before leaving that I am keeping him grounded. I worry about him mentally. .I have seen him break down before..it's scary to see someone who you love and care for break down and you feel helpless.
Devastated1969 Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 I imagine he is full of conflicting emotions right now and doesn't have the capacity to deal with anything more. Please try hard to allow him time and space and you concentrate on yourself. If he does go through with the D and wants a future with you, it will happen. I really feel for you and understand the stresses you are going through. I hope things work out for you.
stillafool Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 He probably wants to go back to his wife. Him wanting all the material things is his fantasy to forget what he left behind. He will probably go back.
Author brunettebarbie Posted March 14, 2014 Author Posted March 14, 2014 (edited) Thank you all. I know he cares and loves me but I'm beginning to wonder if material possessions are more important than love. Everyone has their own idea of what happiness is. Lately I feel more like a friend with benefits. He is staying with me at my house right now..if he chooses to go back home, I have my answer as much as I hate to admit it. Edited March 14, 2014 by brunettebarbie
Author brunettebarbie Posted March 14, 2014 Author Posted March 14, 2014 I need some sun and alone time 1
whatatangledweb Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 Going through a divorce is hard emotionally even when you are the one that wants out. I divorced when I was young. The emotions crowd in and you get depressed. You have to admit that you failed at your marriage and that is hard to accept. You have to deal with the fact that you hurt someone who you care about but do not love. Then you worry about the kids and how it will impact them. How friends and family will react. You worry about money. You flip flop on whether you are doing the right thing. Just dealing with all that is overwelming at times. It isn't fair to you but he may not be able to handle any more emotions than his own for now. That could be why he is saying and doing the things he is doing.
jellybean89 Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 He's not that into you anymore. He sees 'freedom' right in front of him...he can go out whenever he wants, with whoever he wants, for as long as he wants. He can play the field. He can date others. You were his distraction while married; but he's moving out and getting a 'do over' and he maybe doesn't want to settle down with the person who he cheated on his wife with. He is getting a divorce - something that millions of people go through. Sound like he is using you until he gets settled..why is he staying with you? You are his soft landing and he will probably not be in much contact once he gets settled in his new place. Sounds like he takes you for granted and uses your caring nature to get what he wants. Don't let him pull the "men don't talk about their feelings" crap. He talked about having an affair with you, sweet talking you to get you into bed and all that other stuff. Now he wants to clam up? Not buying it. If you aren't being treated as you want, speak up! If you feel you are being taken advantage of, speak up! You say you don't want to be the reason his marriage ended..but you are in a big way. If he didn't have your place to crash at, where would he be? If he didn't have you to 'be' with, where would he be? Be careful, there have been many cases where the man ends up being resentful of the OW after his marriage ends and he sees how good he had it while married (someone to take care of him). If he is already distancing himself from you, there is your red flag. Pay attention to his ACTIONS, not his words. 1
FoolishOW Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 He's not that into you anymore. He sees 'freedom' right in front of him...he can go out whenever he wants, with whoever he wants, for as long as he wants. He can play the field. He can date others. You were his distraction while married; but he's moving out and getting a 'do over' and he maybe doesn't want to settle down with the person who he cheated on his wife with. He is getting a divorce - something that millions of people go through. Sound like he is using you until he gets settled..why is he staying with you? You are his soft landing and he will probably not be in much contact once he gets settled in his new place. Sounds like he takes you for granted and uses your caring nature to get what he wants. Don't let him pull the "men don't talk about their feelings" crap. He talked about having an affair with you, sweet talking you to get you into bed and all that other stuff. Now he wants to clam up? Not buying it. If you aren't being treated as you want, speak up! If you feel you are being taken advantage of, speak up! You say you don't want to be the reason his marriage ended..but you are in a big way. If he didn't have your place to crash at, where would he be? If he didn't have you to 'be' with, where would he be? Be careful, there have been many cases where the man ends up being resentful of the OW after his marriage ends and he sees how good he had it while married (someone to take care of him). If he is already distancing himself from you, there is your red flag. Pay attention to his ACTIONS, not his words. Wow, Jellybean... the portions of this that I bolded sound like a pretty big leap of assumption to me. Do you really think brunette has described someone who's excited and hell bent on getting out there and playing the field? I would bet this guy is miles from that line of thinking. It's much more likely that he's feeling exactly as he appears... lost, unsure, irritated, bummed out, sad, fearful etc... all the things most people would feel 3 weeks after leaving a spouse. I'm thinking he deserves a little slack as opposed to accusations about how his disinterest in communication is a load of crap. I do agree with you that perhaps he has no where else to go at the moment, but if brunette wanted him gone from her place, that's easily resolved with a few straightforward sentences. On the other hand, if she's allowing him to stay there (regardless of the reason), the quickest way to kill their relationship is to harp on him about her need for communication and reassurance. Geezus... nothing like adding to someone's complete psychological discomfort by throwing additional relationship demands on him for her own reassurance. Why not just stick a hot poker through his eye? Both sound equally considerate under the circumstances. 1
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