My story...I need to share my pain.

March 13, 2014

I moved to London almost 7 years ago I met this guy randomly during a night out when we were both pretty drunk. I still remember the first time I saw him I have said to myself “ this one is going to break your heart Marta “ .. and this is what happened. Since then, it was always me running after him.it has never been a balanced "relationship" he hold the power since the beginning and he abused it big time. however, He never promised me a relationship – he is in his 3rd relationship since we know each other and he has always cheated on them with me. I have always been the 3rd.

At the time we met I was working in this place where I had a lot of free time so we started talking on gmail chat every day. I know it sounds very stupid but I felt for this guy straight away. I knew he could only give me sex but at the bottom of my heart I always hoped he would change mind at some point. The time has passed. 5 years has passed during these years he broke up with his 1st gf went into a relationship with the 2nd broke up and started the actual one. Again ,cheating on her with me. At the same time he was treating me like I was nothing. He told me things I wouldn’t tell to my worse enemy and hurt me so much my self esteem when down the drain deeper and deeper. I left myself be treated as the worse of the mistress, he could call me at night or any time of the day I would run to meet him- then the day after he would ignore me and not talking to me for days ( always with an excuse like he was too busy at work or he was busy doing his stuff ) and me there begging him to not cut me out from his life.

There were times when he told me he never wanted me to be in his life and he didn’t have the time to spend with me. And I have been so stupid , weak I have always accepted the breadcrumbs he was throwing me. I have tried counselling for a while but I was too weak to break all the contacts with him so even if I stayed NC for a while I would reply to his email straight away. he told me I was only casual s**gs and he didn’t want to lead me on, He told me I should have find a person who could give me what I wanted but he never let me go in the way to stop contacting me and me in the other hand I wasn’t strong enough to stop contacting him and give myself a chance to be happy but instead, I was there, talking to him in the chat day after day meeting him when he had some time for me and taking all the s***t when I had my outbursts because I was frustrated and angry because of the situation..

Its hard to admit but I was completely another person when it was coming to deal with him. I was the shadow of myself I was weak and obsessed I ended up begging him for a chance to be with him as couple and see if things could work. He never gave it to me. He said he didn’t want to be with me but never gave me a real reason. He always had the idea of me of being a stalker because I have followed him once in club a night I was drunk but this happened at the very first beginning years ago. After that there were times when he blocked me on his facebook even if we never been friends there, he always used another email address only to talk to me and send/receive stuff from me. He never wanted me to contact him on his mobile. I accepted all of this for years and years thinking and hoping he would eventually change his mind and decided to be with me..

The worse feeling was when he said nasty things with the only purpose of hurting me like once, after the last attempt to make things working as friends ( I did accept to be friend with him even if I had feeling ) failed completely and I begged me to give me another try he told me I was nothing for him and that he felt apathetic about what I was saying. He never told me anything to make me feel appreciated, I recently discovered that he was acting like this because he wanted me to hate him and go away from him . only this week something happened, after the last bull**** he told me to avoid to see me ( we set a day for one of these evening to go out and spend some time together – to see if we could make the friendship works without the sex again! ) I went down to his level and I told him I would say everything to his actual GF. And then he panicked. He started begging me to not do it. He told me he was sorry for all the pain he caused me and he told me that in all these years he was scared that if he didn’t things with me ( like the sex and the chat and the pictures sharing ) I would do something like that! I was speechless,

I felt like I was holding him to ransom without even knowing it because ,never ever before that day I would ever consider to contact his gf. I was in this thing with him and I was as guilty as him and I wouldnt never cause pain to another person because of this. I told him he didn’t know me at all and I told me I felt a horrible because I had to use this petty weapon to finally make him realizes how hard he hurt me. I wanted him to taste the medicine I was having for years because of him. And even then I was sorry for him, I was sorry to know he was suffering and I was the cause of the pain, I wanted him to suffer but I was feeling bad because I used the worse way.

I am now at day 1 of NC and started counselling again. I have a long way to go to recover because I know I am very much broken and I know he hurt me so in depth I am not even sure I can be the same person I was before I met him.

And even now I miss him and I still hope he would change one day and become a better person.

Edited March 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs, use them please

March 13, 2014

Good for you, Martaldn! Getting into IC! It's exactly what you needed to do and you did it! Some people have to be told to do it, but you knew you needed it so you are ahead of the game.

It sounds as if you have an incredibly wonderful and tender heart and that you've met a "heart bully" who has worked you over.

Now YOU are taking control and you're ready to shore up your boundaries by facing and dealing with yourself in IC and are going to come out of this R stronger as your healing has begun.

At some point hopefully this person you've spent time with will realize he needs help and get it. But, that's not your problem. You just concentrate on your own recovery and know that better things are ahead for you!

March 13, 2014

thank U. I am glad I have found this forum where I can read experiences like mine and feel I am not alone.

Taking control is exactly what I intent to do.. I know I will have ups and downs but I am now very motivated...

thanks for reading my story

March 13, 2014

hang on in there! It will be tough and there will be days you will just want to run right back to him. But in long term this relationship doesn't sound like it's going to go anywhere from what he has already told you. Do you really want to be a fall back girl for the next 5 years? He has told you honestly where he is at and his actions back that up to. If you didn't feel so strongly about him then maybe that would be ok but you clearly have feelings for him. I hope you find someone else where those feelings are mutually reciprocated.

It will be tough and I hope the counselling will help but if you can be strong there is a brighter future for you. You never know what is around the corner in life. When you're busy putting all your energies into Mr Wrong you are missing out on the chance of meeting a Mr Right! Take this as a good learning experience to know what you really want and deserve next time. Good luck.

March 13, 2014

he is in his 3rd relationship since we know each other and he has always cheated on them with me. I have always been the 3rd

sounds to me like you're good enough to be his mistress, but not girlfriend material. is this how you view yourself? don't you think you deserve better?

YOU ARE GETTING PLAYED!

March 13, 2014

U are right

I know i deserve better.. i guess sometime you need to touch the bottom before to realize you cant go any lower so you need to wake up and pick up the pieces to start again

March 13, 2014

My God, that is a really sad story ((((martaldn)))). Great job taking the first stop. Just rinse and repeat everyday. It's going to get harder before it takes easier. This guy sounds beyond toxic. It took some time, but maybe you were finally able to see what a low life he really is. Use this newfound vision and anger to keep you in NC forever. You are worth so much more!

March 14, 2014

thanks this is what I am going to do from now on.

March 14, 2014

Awwww...your story breaks my heart. What you need to realize is that some people NEVER change. This man is not a good person. He cheats on ALL of his GF's with you. If he were to change his mind and want to be with you, I strongly doubt he would ever be faithful. I know it's hard, but you are worth more than being a side dish. Every time you feel the need to contact him think of all the cruel things he's said to you. Or post here instead.

Counselling is a great start. Please don't think of yourself as a weak person. I know you can do this. Cut this man completely out of your life. Block his email and any social media. Get rid of any pictures you have of him. The only way to heal is to quit him cold turkey. Is that avatar a pic of you? If so, you look so young to waste your life like this. Take care of YOU and I wish the best!

March 14, 2014

thanks this is what I am going to do from now on.

Hey you are so beautiful you know ....., why do you want to be with such a scumbag.Even If it were to date you exclusively you know that he is a cheater . You deserve so much better. It's a good thing that you decided to cut him off.

March 14, 2014

thank U, I really need this support because everything is still so very raw and it hurts as hell. I know he is a cheater and he has been horrible with me but I have always hoped he could change and become a better person.

and yes.. the avatar is me... I look young but Im not so young anymore! I feel so stupid i have spent so many years of my life attached to him ..

but i guess we live and learn

this forum is beautiful and you are helping me a lot

<3

Edited March 14, 2014 by martaldn

March 14, 2014

I know he is a cheater and he has been horrible with me but I have always hoped he could change and become a better person.

People don't change that easy and you know the saying what's a cheater always a cheater. Stay strong ((( hugs)))

March 17, 2014

The first thing you need to do is cut off all contact with this man. Delete his number, emails and anything to make you contact him. I'm a man so I can tell you exactly whats going through this guys head. He basically is getting the best of both worlds. He's got his girlfriend, and his side girl. Don't be the side girl. You are worth way more than that. Some men looks for women that are kind hearted like you and take advantage of them. That's why as soon as he found out you were gonna tell his girlfriend then he begged you not to. DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR THIS MAN. You are not the first woman he did it to nor will be the last. He doesn't care about you at all. Trust me. Plus, once a cheater always a cheater so even if he says that he will break it off with his girlfriend to be with you, in the back of your mind you will never trust him since you know every girlfriend he has he cheated on you with. If for some reason you are too weak and must talk to him, do not have sex with him. Once he realize he wont be getting sex from you then you don't have to worry because he wont contact you anymore. But if you keep giving it to him, then he'll keep coming back. It's like a stray cat. If you keep leaving the food outside then it will come back. Stop leaving the food, and the cat says "F you lady" and find another sucka. Stop sleeping with him and I promise you he wont talk to you anymore and half the work is done. If he starts calling you names and making you feel low, then threaten to tell his girlfriend. I bet he'll stop. You need to take control. Don't let men walk all over you. Also, you need to stop finding men at clubs and bars. Men who go there are slime bags and only want sex. If you really want real relationship with someone, the club or bars isn't the place to look. That's like trying to find a nice car and looking in the junk yard. The only thing there will be junk. Look else where like church, or well anywhere else. Also pray a lot. I know some counseling may be necessary but they want money and will always tell you to keep coming back. Talk to a close friend (girl) and family because they will give you the best support that a counselor wont. You are worth more than he's treating you. You have to face reality and realize he don't love you and is using you. Let him go or you will be an emotional wreck until you do. Be strong. Take hold of the situation and leave. If you have a splinter in your finger it will hurt when you pull it out but its worth it because it will heal. So it may hurt not talking to him but it's worth it because it will heal and one day you will look back and say to yourself "I cant believe I fell for that loser" DONT CONTACT HIM!. Please take that advice. Let him go. Also, I think you may other issues to work on. Like stop getting drunk. You sound like a party girl but you may want to start slowing it down and taking it easy. There's more to life than partying all the time. Also get a relationship with God. He loves you forever and can bring someone in your life who will do the same. Also it sounds like you have issues with your parents growing up because most parents teach their kids not to take such abuse from any man. Were your father around when you were growing up? just curious to know.

March 17, 2014

ok I need to break this down because I only agree with you partially.

The first thing you need to do is cut off all contact with this man. Delete his number, emails and anything to make you contact him. I'm a man so I can tell you exactly whats going through this guys head. He basically is getting the best of both worlds. He's got his girlfriend, and his side girl. Don't be the side girl. You are worth way more than that. Some men looks for women that are kind hearted like you and take advantage of them. That's why as soon as he found out you were gonna tell his girlfriend then he begged you not to. DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR THIS MAN. You are not the first woman he did it to nor will be the last. He doesn't care about you at all. Trust me. Plus, once a cheater always a cheater so even if he says that he will break it off with his girlfriend to be with you, in the back of your mind you will never trust him since you know every girlfriend he has he cheated on you with. If for some reason you are too weak and must talk to him, do not have sex with him. Once he realize he wont be getting sex from you then you don't have to worry because he wont contact you anymore. But if you keep giving it to him, then he'll keep coming back. It's like a stray cat. If you keep leaving the food outside then it will come back. Stop leaving the food, and the cat says "F you lady" and find another sucka. Stop sleeping with him and I promise you he wont talk to you anymore and half the work is done.

this is exactly what I am trying to do. I am not speaking to him since last week and I want to stick with it.

If he starts calling you names and making you feel low, then threaten to tell his girlfriend. I bet he'll stop. You need to take control. Don't let men walk all over you. Also, you need to stop finding men at clubs and bars. Men who go there are slime bags and only want sex. If you really want real relationship with someone, the club or bars isn't the place to look. That's like trying to find a nice car and looking in the junk yard. The only thing there will be junk. Look else where like church, or well anywhere else.

I dont tend to agree with it. people go out , socialize and this is how normally things work at my age.
not all the men you meet in bars/club want sex. this is a generalization.

Also pray a lot.
Im not religious.

I know some counseling may be necessary but they want money and will always tell you to keep coming back. Talk to a close friend (girl) and family because they will give you the best support that a counselor wont. You are worth more than he's treating you. You have to face reality and realize he don't love you and is using you. Let him go or you will be an emotional wreck until you do. Be strong. Take hold of the situation and leave. If you have a splinter in your finger it will hurt when you pull it out but its worth it because it will heal. So it may hurt not talking to him but it's worth it because it will heal and one day you will look back and say to yourself "I cant believe I fell for that loser" DONT CONTACT HIM!. Please take that advice. Let him go.

I do have lot of support from family and friends. I always had, but when you are into someone so much and you think there is still a hope you dont tend to listen what other people say. to you. even if it is for the best. I have learnt my lesson and I know I wont do the same mistake again.

Also, I think you may other issues to work on. Like stop getting drunk. You sound like a party girl but you may want to start slowing it down and taking it easy.

oh well.. there is nothing wrong to go out and enjoy yourself and I am not getting drunk all the time.. where did you read that? i have never said I was a party girl.

There's more to life than partying all the time. Also get a relationship with God. He loves you forever and can bring someone in your life who will do the same. Also it sounds like you have issues with your parents growing up because most parents teach their kids not to take such abuse from any man. Were your father around when you were growing up? just curious to know.

thanks for your advises though.. I am honestly doing my best this time and be strong...

Edited March 17, 2014 by martaldn

March 20, 2014

<3

Way OT, what does <3 mean? I keep seeing this online, in posts, etc and have no idea what it means.

March 20, 2014

Awwww...your story breaks my heart. What you need to realize is that some people NEVER change. This man is not a good person. He cheats on ALL of his GF's with you. If he were to change his mind and want to be with you, I strongly doubt he would ever be faithful. I know it's hard, but you are worth more than being a side dish. Every time you feel the need to contact him think of all the cruel things he's said to you. Or post here instead.

Counselling is a great start. Please don't think of yourself as a weak person. I know you can do this. Cut this man completely out of your life. Block his email and any social media. Get rid of any pictures you have of him. The only way to heal is to quit him cold turkey. Is that avatar a pic of you? If so, you look so young to waste your life like this. Take care of YOU and I wish the best!

Read my posts about my now ex gf, two times. She did make some changes and came back to me. However, at her core, our values, how we made decisions, how we gre up, her lifestyle, we were just different. I had a very difficult time breaking away from her, and I was always "drawn" back into her.

I am sure a lot of it was physical/sexual as she was absolutely stunningly gorgeous, a bombshell. She was also a lot of fun to be with and had many redeeming qualities. I got lost in her, literally.

I feel calm, relaxed, at peace, for the first time, in a long time. Stay NC, it works, it does take time though. You will start to notice "you" coming back as time goes by. And, I would not look at this as 7 wasted years. I don't look at my time with her as wasted. The 2nd time around I started to think this way, like why did I do this, again. I learned, I grew, I met an amazing woman, I am closer to finding the right one.

March 20, 2014

Way OT, what does <3 mean? I keep seeing this online, in posts, etc and have no idea what it means.

its a heart

March 20, 2014

Read my posts about my now ex gf, two times. She did make some changes and came back to me. However, at her core, our values, how we made decisions, how we gre up, her lifestyle, we were just different. I had a very difficult time breaking away from her, and I was always "drawn" back into her.

I am sure a lot of it was physical/sexual as she was absolutely stunningly gorgeous, a bombshell. She was also a lot of fun to be with and had many redeeming qualities. I got lost in her, literally.

I feel calm, relaxed, at peace, for the first time, in a long time. Stay NC, it works, it does take time though. You will start to notice "you" coming back as time goes by. And, I would not look at this as 7 wasted years. I don't look at my time with her as wasted. The 2nd time around I started to think this way, like why did I do this, again. I learned, I grew, I met an amazing woman, I am closer to finding the right one.

that is what I am aiming. I want to be me again, the Marta I was before I met him.

without realizing he took all the positive energy i had in me and he slowing killed my self esteem. I was a strong person but i was butter in his hands and he could treat me as he wanted because he knew I was always there. I am so disappointed with myself.

I do blame myself because i let him doing that because i didnt read the signal at the beginning when he was being an a**hole because I havent listened to the ones who were telling me he was bad for me. I dont know why i was so damn stubborn until this very end.

it still hurts and i feel like I want to cry everytime I write about him.

March 20, 2014

that is what I am aiming. I want to be me again, the Marta I was before I met him.
without realizing he took all the positive energy i had in me and he slowing killed my self esteem. I was a strong person but i was butter in his hands and he could treat me as he wanted because he knew I was always there. I am so disappointed with myself.
I do blame myself because i let him doing that because i didnt read the signal at the beginning when he was being an a**hole because I havent listened to the ones who were telling me he was bad for me. I dont know why i was so damn stubborn until this very end.
it still hurts and i feel like I want to cry everytime I write about him.

Cry! I resisted crying many times after breaking up with her March 2013. Once I finally cried, man, what a release. Read up on the 5 steps of grieving..you will be moving thru them.

It's been said, and I believe it, within 2 dates a person will "tell" you who they are. Ironically, looking back, my ex gf gave me a lot of information, showed me a lot of information, gave me many warnings, all on our 2nd date. I ignored them. I got lost in her beauty, lust, her charm, her other amzing qualities, how good she made me feel, etc.

Be strong! PM me anytime you need to "talk".

March 20, 2014

Thanks for the support Babolat <3

about the signal I still remember the first time we had to meet and he didnt show up. I remember i was to angry i wanted to kick him but then ( after 3 days of silent ) he told me he was sick with swine flu...... and I believed him

I was so stupid

Edited March 20, 2014 by martaldn

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