Brendan4306 Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 I am dating a girl (about 5 dates) and she will never offer to help pay on dates, even when multiple activities are happing in one date. Not even for a drink at the end. She makes very good money (we both do). She will also never initiate the conversation for planning the next opportunity to hang out. I know she is interested (just take my word for it) and but it's like she is playing a game. We are both in our 30's and I see this as immature. She will drop very subtle hints that she has availability, but I am not biting and extending the invite, again. I am contemplating having a standoff where I will keep contact and sound positive/interested but refuse to initiate the next meeting to show her that I am not going to go by these rules. I realize this might end our friendship, but I feel quite strongly about standing up for myself. I am quite a stubborn person, but does this really sound stubborn or unnecessary of me? Am I being reasonable if we really hit it off when we are together? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JourneyLady Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 I am dating a girl (about 5 dates) and she will never offer to help pay on dates, even when multiple activities are happing in one date. Not even for a drink at the end. She makes very good money (we both do). She will also never initiate the conversation for planning the next opportunity to hang out. I know she is interested (just take my word for it) and but it's like she is playing a game. We are both in our 30's and I see this as immature. She will drop very subtle hints that she has availability, but I am not biting and extending the invite, again. I am contemplating having a standoff where I will keep contact and sound positive/interested but refuse to initiate the next meeting to show her that I am not going to go by these rules. I realize this might end our friendship, but I feel quite strongly about standing up for myself. I am quite a stubborn person, but does this really sound stubborn or unnecessary of me? Am I being reasonable if we really hit it off when we are together? It will, in all likelihood, end it as you say. But if it's not worth it to you to keep doing this, then yes - let her go find someone else she'll be worth it to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TXGuy Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 I am dating a girl (about 5 dates) and she will never offer to help pay on dates, even when multiple activities are happing in one date. Not even for a drink at the end. She makes very good money (we both do). So she expects you to pay for everything and what she brings to the table is sex or the prospect of sex. There is a term for this. Treat her accordingly. It is bad enough if she is 'fulfilling her part of the bargain' after 5 dates, but if she is not even doing that at this point, you are being played. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brendan4306 Posted March 13, 2014 Author Share Posted March 13, 2014 being played...? you mean like she is using me for a free dinner, someone to hang out with, etc? even if it's at my home with minimal money spent? What would she be playing me for? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 In my opinion, her not initiating dates is pretty normal. A woman wants to know the guy is very interested, and most women prefer that the man take action and move the relationship along. That means taking charge of asking the woman out and planning dates. In the early stages, I never ask the guy out, and never initiate contact. The more traditional guys I like don't have a problem with this, and in fact seem to prefer it that way. I think not ever offering to pay at all would be a big turn-off. I'm pretty traditional and date men who are, too, so they always insist on paying for most of what we do early on. But I always sincerely offer to pay, and pay for things when they don't object. Since she hasn't even offered, I think she's making it clear that she expects for you to be the financial provider in the relationship 100%. I think you have to decide if that works for you or not. If it does, keep it up. If not, just stop asking her out. If you like, you can tell her why. 15 Link to post Share on other sites
TXGuy Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 (edited) being played...? you mean like she is using me for a free dinner, someone to hang out with, etc? even if it's at my home with minimal money spent? What would she be playing me for? You are the one that wrote the original post (OP). You seemed put out that she never pays despite making the same type of money you make. I was simply agreeing with your assessment given the facts you provided. If you are doing low cost dates and she is not complaining, then I don't know what your problem is. If that is the case, she gets lots of bonus points for being a good sport and low maintenance. As far as not initiating...That is annoying, especially from 'independent' women who are into 'grrrll power'. But, you life will become infinitely easier if you just accept the fact that that is the way women work. Equality at work, traditional while dating. Edited March 13, 2014 by TXGuy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brendan4306 Posted March 13, 2014 Author Share Posted March 13, 2014 (edited) You are the one that wrote the original post (OP). You seemed put out that she never pays despite making the same type of money you make. I was simply agreeing with your assessment given the facts you provided. If you are doing low cost dates and she is not complaining, then I don't know what your problem. If that is the case, she gets lots of bonus points for being a good sport and low maintenance. Well the 2cnd and third were $150 nights, she suggested the 4th at my place, but didn't contribute at all for small outings from my place (grab a coffee, buy dinner (groceries), get ice cream) after all I have picked up for her in the past. It's not so much the $, but the principal. thanks for your input, its appreciated! Edited March 13, 2014 by Brendan4306 Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 She should show that your company means something to her too. So I think you should pull back a little. Dont be a puppydog for this girl 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Copelandsanity Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 If a girl not only offers to pay, but will absolutely insist upon it no matter what and does so...that to me, means she's a keeper For our 1st date, I took a girl for a private ballroom lesson, and she wouldn't take no for an answer to paying for dinner. I ended up marrying her. Gestures like that show that you're investing into the interaction, it shows that you want to be a part of a team or partnership. There was this one girl who I went on 5 dates with. I meticulously planned every single one, paid for everything. I broke it off because by the end of it, I felt too much of a burden to be the only one contributing and also to be perfect. There was a moment during one of our later dates when an activity didn't work out, and I didn't have a great backup plan and winged it. She was upset because instead of taking her to a higher end restaurant - as in our previous dates - I took her to diner that I loved. That's when I knew that she wasn't for me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brendan4306 Posted March 13, 2014 Author Share Posted March 13, 2014 I might initiate the next dates, but I'll make sure they are cheap to see how she reacts. Obviously I will try to make them fun as well...I think the answer will be very clear after that. She now knows I don't mind spending some money and doing nice dinners, etc....but now it is her turn to earn that right, so she better get to work 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brendan4306 Posted March 13, 2014 Author Share Posted March 13, 2014 Thanks to all of you for your input:) Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 I am dating a girl (about 5 dates) and she will never offer to help pay on dates, even when multiple activities are happing in one date. Not even for a drink at the end. She makes very good money (we both do). Why would you ask a girl out and expect her to pay for anything? What if you happen to get engaged? Are you going to expect her to pay for half of her ring also? It's bad manners very effeminate to ask a girl out and expect her to pay for anything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brendan4306 Posted March 13, 2014 Author Share Posted March 13, 2014 (edited) Why would you ask a girl out and expect her to pay for anything? What if you happen to get engaged? Are you going to expect her to pay for half of her ring also? It's bad manners very effeminate to ask a girl out and expect her to pay for anything. You forgot to add "In my opinion" before your comment, as it is only your opinion and it differs from many others. I think its effeminate to let women take advantage of you. I have dated many many women, and they have all offered to contribute. For example, I treat them to expensive tickets to a football game and dinner before, she treats me to a couple beers at the game and a very genuine "thank you". That's all I ask for. Today's society is about equality, and when she is making six figures and not cooking me dinner and cleaning my kitchen, she should contribute financially. If we go by the "you invited, you pay rule" then she has to contribute to that area and invite me. If you read my post, she just continually hints that she is available and refuses to initiate a date when I sit back. I see this as a problem, I'm surprised you wouldn't. Edited March 13, 2014 by Brendan4306 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BDL Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 I'm dating a gorgeous girl who turn heads wherever she goes, and I don't spend more than $25/date for the first six dates. I did spend $70 on Valentines day, but that's it. You don't need to spend a lot on a girl, and I don't think a girl expects it. If she does, then she's not the kind of girl you should be dating unless you want to be her sugar daddy. My girl is so sweet, she offered to pay on our third date, and usually pays for late night drinks half of the time. Did I mention she's drop dead gorgeous? And she's very traditional so I have been the one initiating the calls and setting the dates. She likely used to having so many guys throwing their dicks at her, she has learnt to be cautious and slow, in addition to being very traditional about the dating process. I'm 39 and she's 26. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kaylan Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 (edited) I am dating a girl (about 5 dates) and she will never offer to help pay on dates, even when multiple activities are happing in one date. Not even for a drink at the end. She makes very good money (we both do). She will also never initiate the conversation for planning the next opportunity to hang out. I know she is interested (just take my word for it) and but it's like she is playing a game. We are both in our 30's and I see this as immature. She will drop very subtle hints that she has availability, but I am not biting and extending the invite, again. I am contemplating having a standoff where I will keep contact and sound positive/interested but refuse to initiate the next meeting to show her that I am not going to go by these rules. I realize this might end our friendship, but I feel quite strongly about standing up for myself. I am quite a stubborn person, but does this really sound stubborn or unnecessary of me? Am I being reasonable if we really hit it off when we are together?She sounds like a spoiled user to me...especially considering the fact that she doesnt initiate anything. Next her, then go find and enjoy better women.Well the 2cnd and third were $150 nights, she suggested the 4th at my place, but didn't contribute at all for small outings from my place (grab a coffee, buy dinner (groceries), get ice cream) after all I have picked up for her in the past. It's not so much the $, but the principal. thanks for your input, its appreciated! Why do men spend this kind of money on dates? Dont you realize that when you set that sort of precedent, that the kind of women who chase guys in your financial bracket will certainly always expect it. Find a more independent and self sufficient woman. Edited March 13, 2014 by kaylan Link to post Share on other sites
kaylan Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 Why would you ask a girl out and expect her to pay for anything? What if you happen to get engaged? Are you going to expect her to pay for half of her ring also? It's bad manners very effeminate to ask a girl out and expect her to pay for anything. Crap post. Get with the times buddy. Women have money now, and its been 5 dates for the OP. You may be ok with dating prostitutes (thats what I call women who never pay and think their job is to look good and put out), but many men are not.You forgot to add "In my opinion" before your comment, as it is only your opinion and it differs from many others. I think its effeminate to let women take advantage of you. I have dated many many women, and they have all offered to contribute. For example, I treat them to expensive tickets to a football game and dinner before, she treats me to a couple beers at the game and a very genuine "thank you". That's all I ask for. Today's society is about equality, and when she is making six figures and not cooking me dinner and cleaning my kitchen, she should contribute financially. If we go by the "you invited, you pay rule" then she has to contribute to that area and invite me. If you read my post, she just continually hints that she is available and refuses to initiate a date when I sit back. I see this as a problem, I'm surprised you wouldn't. Great response. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 Even women who enjoy being treated will agree that it's a terrible sign if she doesn't ever offer. I certainly think so. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 I am contemplating having a standoff where I will keep contact and sound positive/interested but refuse to initiate the next meeting to show her that I am not going to go by these rules. I realize this might end our friendship, but I feel quite strongly about standing up for myself. Your "standoff" is super childish and not really standing up for yourself at all. She's not a mind reader, and it sounds as though she has different expectations. Be a man and tell her how you're feeling and what you want from a relationship, and then she can tell you what she wants and expects, and you can discuss it and find out if you're compatible. Just be straightforward and don't play games. You forgot to add "In my opinion" before your comment, as it is only your opinion and it differs from many others. That's a given, when you see an opinion on a message board, no need to state it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Copelandsanity Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 Why do men spend this kind of money on dates? Dont you realize that when you set that sort of precedent, that the kind of women who chase guys in your financial bracket will certainly always expect it. Find a more independent and self sufficient woman. I guess it really depends on where you live. If you live where I am - NYC - going out to dinner at a non-fine dining restaurant, drinks and even a cheap activity like pool will set you back over $100. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 Really this could just be her being old-fashioned and expecting the guy to pay and take initiative with making dates. Personally, this would annoy me after a while. Unless she puts out I would start looking elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyLove Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 Man up, cheapskate! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sunfire73 Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 I'm a woman and I always offer to pay. that's what's relationships are for, you both have to bring something to the table. Especially after 5 dates, I think she is using you and you have to next her or date others. It's obviously bothering you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom888 Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 A lot of women want to be taken care of. Maybe she is just used to the idea of the man planning and paying. Not a big deal IMHO. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kaylan Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 (edited) I guess it really depends on where you live. If you live where I am - NYC - going out to dinner at a non-fine dining restaurant, drinks and even a cheap activity like pool will set you back over $100. Again, why do you have to do that? Fancy dinner and expensive drinks should be for girlfriends or soon to be girlfriends. Not women you barely know. There are many fun, easy, and inexpensive creative ways to get to know someone. And this coming from a guy who grew up in NYC and still hangs out there. I know well-to-do guys who didnt constantly spend that much cash on women they werent sure about (aka just casually dating)That's a rude thing to say and does not contribute to giving advice to the OP's original question, so keep it to yourself. NOW, as for the problem with OP, it really depends on you. It sounds like you are just looking for men to agree with you and call you right especially if she not offering "other", "sincere" gifts (Read:SEX) in return of you spending money. However, if you want a real opinion, I'd say that not ALL women are equal payers, some women prefer men to pay for things, chase after them, initiate contact, etc. If that's not your things, no one is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to date her. You can just as easily move on. But having a standoff and doing other things is quite childish. If you bothers you that much, but you ARE interested in her, why not just tell her? What's the problem with communicating yourself to her? Problem solved. But if I were her and the guy I was dating was bashing me on a site like this, I'd delete your number in a heartbeat. Delete away. Id say the guy would be better off than having an inconsiderate woman who doesnt even offer to chip in. OP is clearly put off the by the lack of offers, the lack of initiation...hell the woman could at least cook for him since hes always taking her out. I would have been done after the third date if she didnt initiate the next one. Edited March 13, 2014 by kaylan Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 Your solution is game playing -- not initiating until she does. She might not get that message. I would talk to her about it. In my ideal scenario: You take her on another date expecting to pay. (You can make it an inexpensive outing.) Durnig that interaction point blank tell her you would like her to initiate the dates sometimes. When the check comes, pay it but say something like "I got this one, again, but next time's on you, OK?" Those aren't exactly subtle hints -- more like 2x4's to the side of the head. She may walk away never to be heard from again but hopefully she'll start pulling her own weight in the relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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