immoralist Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 I've only found one person in my life that really made me want to marry her, and truth is, she was pretty damn hot. Quite frankly, I enjoyed f*cking her - immensely! I don't compare my current girl (or the ones since) to her on a conscious level, but on a subconscious level, knowing what a good, passionate connection feels like, I know when I'm not feeling fulfilled. And yet I feel guilty for feeling this way, like I'm being selfish or vain. There's the rub, my friend. The choice of a lover is, by definition, selfish and vain--as it damn well should be. Mate selection is not selfless, it is not nice, it is not politically correct, fair and balanced. You want nice: care for the Homeless. We humans are always selfishly calculating--especially in matters of the Heart. Unlike other mammals, we simply have to pretend to be nice, sensitive and in touch with our inner feelings. I cannot overemphasize the critical importance of a "good, passionate connection" as you put it. It's that base connection, not the Hallmark Card sentiments, that glue a couple together--especially during the child rearing years, which test many a marriage. And you are comparing those passionate feelings with YOUR ex to later relationships--as you should. Let the relationship with the ex be a benchmark, and if the new relationship does not meet that benchmark, cut your, and her, losses. By doing that, you're not being selfish, vain or cruel--you're being prudent and selective. Make no apologies. And do not settle for less. Otherwise, you'll be 50 and sharing a bed with a stranger who just happens to be the mother of your kids.
Author amerikajin Posted January 29, 2005 Author Posted January 29, 2005 Immoralist, My friend, you just cleaned my clock! Thanks for that most enlightening response! Hokey, I like a lot of what you said, too, and it means a lot coming from someone who's been married for 20 years. Thanks. Curly, Moi and others, as always, thanks for your input as well. I've got some thinking to do.
tokyo Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 This post may not have that much to say about marriage, but anyway: Originally posted by amerikajin The situation I'm in now causes me great vexation - vexation at myself, I suppose. I'm with a wonderful lady, someone who has an unbelievable heart. The kindness she's showed me over the last 6 months is something I'll always appreciate. But I just can't get into the relationship sexually the way I once did - I just don't have that kind of attraction to her. I don't think it's a loss of libido, either, because to confess, I really get horny thinking about a lot of other women. Sometimes I just want to be a bad boy, say f*ck it and cheat...but I can't do that to her. Do you remember what I told you some months ago? Like six months ago? You haven´t been appreciating this poor woman in any sense, because if you did you would have broken up with her a long while ago. If I was able to see where this was leading you, why was it so impossible for you to see it? Let me make another prediction. You´ll eventually break up with her, her feelings will be awfully hurt and if you´re lucky she´ll still talk to you, but very likely she will refuse to talk with you. And you will stand there with this bewildered look on your face and ask yourself: "What did I do wrong?" I will tell you why you have this bad ending, because you were a mental slacker and ignoring the unpleasant ending that eventually had to come. You just wanted someone to boost your ego and warm your cold bed, without admitting this to yourself. This relationship has always been about you, you egoist. It was never between equals, no matter how much you thought it was (wishful thinking, HA); you can deny your responsibility as much as you want, it´s still there. Sincerely, nothing speaks against trying and sorting out people and sometimes you have to be "cruel" and tell someone you are not interested in him/her, but I´ve seen people stay with their partners and just by telling me how their relationship was going I knew this was not going to last, I didn´t have to meet their partners to know that their relationship would fail, but strangely they cling to it. Their girlfriends were not that attractive, were not that interesting and those idiots were not in love with them (after years!), but they stayed. What kind of crap is this?
moimeme Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 My heart sees him as beautiful because I love him. And that, to me, is the definition of passion. Now having understood how the best, most passionate passion comes from within, I could never settle for the 'chemistry' that is based on external attraction. It just ain't good enough.
alphamale Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme I could never settle for the 'chemistry' that is based on external attraction. It just ain't good enough. Chemistry based upon superfical qualities ALONE such as physical attractiveness is just that....superficial.
moimeme Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 Chemistry based upon superfical qualities ALONE such as physical attractiveness is just that....superficial. Ok, who's masquerading as Alpha???
crisp Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 You couldn't tell, moi? I guess he could be one good friend of our co-forumer formerly known as sinner .
Matilda Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 My heart sees him as beautiful because I love him. Yes, and it is this kind of love that sustains the passion.
immoralist Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 No. You love him because you see him as beautiful. However much it offends LoveShack conventional wisdom, let me repeat: sexual chemistry, physical attraction, erotic connection and other "superficial" attributes materially factor into the sexual "love" mix. We are animals, first.
Matilda Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 However much it offends LoveShack conventional wisdom, let me repeat: sexual chemistry, physical attraction, erotic connection and other "superficial" attributes materially factor into the sexual "love" mix. I disagree with you somewhat. I am only physically attracted to those I am mentally attracted to. Meaning, a man I respect, and that I know respects me. This is not to say that sexual passion is not important, but I don't believe it is the most important factor, at least not for me. I am being sincere about this, it is not morality BS.
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