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Posted

I'm curious to know the different attitudes people have toward marriage.

 

For example, what are the most important qualities in a marriage partner? I've always thought that it was all about romance and love, but when I started looking at the statistics for divorce in the United States I noticed something interesting. The divorce rate is highest among Southern and poor Western states, which, to me, indicates that maybe other factors like education and economic stability are also at play. Religion, thus, would appear not to have anything to do with it, either, as the divorce rate is highest in the Bible Belt.

 

Here in Japan, one thing I've noticed is that people tend to marry for stability more than they do out of romantic love. I mean, yes, they do "fall in love" in their own relationships, but I don't think it's hyped up like it is in our entertainment-driven society, where we all get our impressions of what love should be by listening to music or watching romantic movies. Some say, though, that these trends are changing here, too, becoming more and more influenced by influx of American culture. Korean soap operas and movies are also possibly making the Japanese more romantic minded.

 

Some societies, of course, have arranged marriages. I don't think I'm down with that, but the funny thing is, a lot of the time, it works. I think Central Asian societies have traditionally seen marriage more in terms of economics than romance. Is this wrong? Should Americans be more "realistic" and just marry for money and raising children?

 

I'm almost 31 and I still don't seem to have any idea of what I'm looking for in a partner. A part of me wants to get married, and another part of me doesn't - I like my space sometimes. How do people handle that dilemma? I guess I want what every guy wants, too, like someone I'm really sexually attracted to - it's hard for me to imagine myself with someone I like as a friend but not a hot lover. Is this wrong? I mean, all beauty fades sooner or later anyway. I don't want to be 46 and looking for younger women, but let's face it: guys get horny and want a piece of new ass once in a while. We may not pursue said piece of ass, but we want it nonetheless - and anyone who says otherwise is either one of those rare guys who has exactly what he wants (lucky), or he's lying.

 

What about things like career? Back in the old days, the man just went out and got a job that paid enough to raise a family on one income; but in today's world, that's difficult, and what's more, a lot of women are equally ambitious and career minded as individuals. There's nothing wrong with that, of course - except that it does complicate marriage in the sense that whereas we men previously didn't need to concern ourselves with balance, now we do. I've always thought of myself as an enlightened guy and I would want my wife to pursue her ambitions, but I wouldn't want to feel like I'm competing with her, and I wouldn't want her ambitions to overtake mine.

 

Aaaargh, too many things to consider. I'm nowhere close to being married. Anyone get similar problems?

Posted

i am going to go to town on this one...but i'll need time for my response

Posted
Originally posted by amerikajin

I've always thought that it was all about romance and love,

 

Marriage for love is a relatively new phenomenon, within last 150 yrs or so in western civilization. Up until the early 1900s even in the U.S. people married out of necessity and to have a family.

 

Here in Japan, one thing I've noticed is that people tend to marry for stability more than they do out of romantic love. I mean, yes, they do "fall in love"

 

Eastern societies stress practicality in marriage. Resources, proper matching of the two indiviudals, do both families get along, and socio-economic similarity. A marriage in traditional eastern cultures is considered the blending of two families to create a synergy. Many factors are looked at and love is not one of them (although this is changing as you said)

 

Some societies, of course, have arranged marriages. I don't think I'm down with that, but the funny thing is, a lot of the time, it works. I think Central Asian societies have traditionally seen marriage more in terms of economics than romance. Is this wrong?

 

Arranged marriage is still the predominant form of marriage in the world today. Look it up if you don't believe me. These types of marriages work because the entire culture and society is based upon it and reinforces these ideas into the heads of kids. If they want to get married theis is the only choice they have, period. I have seen some asian-descended people who were raised here in U.S. starting to have divorces in arranged or semi-arranged marriages. This would be unheard of back home where they would just make the best of their situation. Here, they just get divorced cause it is socially accepted. Arranged marriage is not WRONG, it is another form of union and actually one that has existed for thousands of yrs.

 

 

I'm almost 31 and I still don't seem to have any idea of what I'm looking for in a partner. A part of me wants to get married, and another part of me doesn't - I like my space sometimes. How do people handle that dilemma?

 

This is normal AMERIKAJIN. Very few people at 31 know what they are looking for in someone else and even if they did, good luck finding it all in one person. Won't happen man.

 

What about things like career? Back in the old days, the man just went out and got a job that paid enough to raise a family on one income; but in today's world, that's difficult, and what's more, a lot of women are equally ambitious and career minded as individuals. There's nothing wrong with that, of course - except that it does complicate marriage

 

Dude, this was the case in the U.S. up until the 1970s. The one main reason that men with lots of resouces ($$$) such as doctors, lawyers, CEOs, etc... are so sought after is that many women would love to get married to some rich dude, have 3 or 4 kids and be a soccer mom who spends her days at the club, taking care of her kids and shagging the UPS dude. Unfortuantely there are few rich men out there and the ones that do exist are looking for perfect women, of which there are also very few.

 

submitted respectfully

alpha

Posted

what are the most important qualities in a marriage partner?

 

loyalty, honesty, considerate and that something that makes me want to stick around even when I want to pinch his fool head off. That no matter what we face or go through, no matter how difficult it gets, I can still see a tomorrow with him.

 

I read something once about how marriage is a decision you make on a daily basis, where you chose to invest in that particular relationship every morning that you wake up, when you tell yourself, "yes, this is what I want, this is my future."

Posted

anyone else care to take this one on?

Posted

Considering the Divorce statistics.. and the fact that I've been married before.. I wouldn't be all about doing it again.

 

At the time I got married, I wasn't "That girl" meaning.. I wasn't the girl who always wanted to get married and have the big wedding etc.. it was actually my now EXH who was all about getting married (which was/is odd considering he was only 19 at the time) when I think about it now.. I knew it wasn't a good idea.. but seriously as odd as it is again because typically it's the other way around.. I felt a lot of pressure from him to get married.

 

Of course.. it didn't work out. I divorced him almost 3 years ago.. not because I really thought he was a "bad person" this that the other.. but because we were to young when we got married.. and he hadn't had time to do the things he "needed" to do before making that committment.. and I guess in so many ways, I hadn't either.

 

With that said.. I don't really believe in marriage perse.. I do commend anyone who can do it and make it work.. but for me.. my EXH and I really were best friends.. got along great and what not.. and there have been so many times I think we (he and I) would have been better to not have got married.. our relationship before wasn't broke so to speak..

 

I've seen so much infidelity in marriage.. and I know it can happen regardless if you're married or not.. but I don't know.. I guess I wonder if people just get bored or if it's something else once they are married..

 

I'm happy with my now BF.. he's great.. we have a good time together, he isn't seeing anyone else, I'm not seeing anyone else.. so for us.. it's working.

 

Marriage I don't think will be for me again..

Posted

Nice topic!

I have been married once unfortunate as well. Till now when some people who knew us hear for first time that we got divorce they are so surprised. One said that if we divorced everybody else is going to divorce. We were not a perfect couple. Our relationship had all kind of problems that other people experience usually. The desire to make it work made the impression of perfect marriage in other peoples and in our eyes.

 

There was a time I thought I won’t marry again. I mean I tried to lie to myself. I a perfect world we would marry and have “a happy ever after”. In the real world marriage is union of two imperfect people who wants to make it work.

Have you ever looked enviously at happily married old people still holding hands and caring for each other? Did you ever have a feeling that they complete each other? The desire to get married and find “the one” is in us and we cannot run away from it. We can try to fight it, to compromise it, but it will always be there deep in our soul telling us that something is wrong.

Posted

Romance and love are important, but you can have romance and love with a lot of people but not want to marry them, or even have a long term relationship with them.

 

For a successful marriage you need:

 

1. Mutual respect. (I think this is the most important thing. So many times I see gals on here write things like "He's such a bastard, but I love him." I don't think you can sustain a long term relationship with someone you have that kind of disrespect for.)

 

2. Consideration for each other's feelings and needs.

 

3. Common goals. (This includes a lot of things, like children, finances (material things important, or not important), etc.)

 

4. Common values and morals.

 

5. Enjoy each other's company.

 

6. Same sense of humor.

 

7. Basically the same intellectual level.

 

8. At least some of the same interests.

 

9. Similar home living style, or an ability to compromise with the other's style, and/or complement the other's style. (Do you like a relaxed and comfortable home, or a chic and elegant home? Are you uncomfortable if anything is out of place?)

 

10. I believe you should have similar personalities.

 

11. Commitment to each other.

 

That's all that comes to mind at the moment.

Posted

Funny you should bring this up... I was just talking about this the other day. I was having a discussion with my friend about why my marriage seems to have gone off course... and after a bit of soul searching, I think I came up with the answer....

I married relatively late in life... (I was 34) I had been through numerous relationships. I had suffered through break-ups and disagreements and all the heartache and crap that comes with the passion and intensity of desire. At some point, I must have associated desire and passion with tumultuousness (is that a word??) Anyway, when I did decide to settle down, I looked for someone stable and kind and calm and one who I thought would make a good father. I found him! He was perfect. OK... so the sex was mediocre but it was sex and, after all... I felt that I'd already had my share of "knock your socks off" attraction. I figured we could make the sex better... I had found "Mr. Perfect"!

Well, needless to say, after 14 calm, serene, stable, monotone years... the sex never has gotten any better... In fact, it has stopped completely.

I guess my point is, I married for stability and thought that I could live without the "red-hot" sex. I thought the best choice in a mate was one who would be honest and caring, stable and responsible. I don't think we have ever had a fight in the entire 14 years that we have been married... at least not one where voices are raised.

But, after all these years, I'm realizing that it just isn't enough. I need more emotion... more intensity... more desire. It's sad that it will come to an end because of that but what's the alternative?

My advice to you is to go for love... and lust ...and romance.... if you have all that, the rest will fall into place.

Posted
Originally posted by Matilda

For a successful marriage you need:

 

1. Mutual respect. (I think this is the most important thing. So many times I see gals on here write things like "He's such a bastard, but I love him." I don't think you can sustain a long term relationship with someone you have that kind of disrespect for.)

2. Consideration for each other's feelings and needs.

3. Common goals. (This includes a lot of things, like children, finances (material things important, or not important), etc.)

4. Common values and morals.

5. Enjoy each other's company.

6. Same sense of humor.

7. Basically the same intellectual level.

8. At least some of the same interests.

9. Similar home living style, or an ability to compromise with the other's style, and/or complement the other's style. (Do you like a relaxed and comfortable home, or a chic and elegant home? Are you uncomfortable if anything is out of place?)

10. I believe you should have similar personalities.

11. Commitment to each other.

 

The above is a very nice list MATILDA and I agree with it but how many people are going to find a mate that qualifies in all 11 areas? Let's say you had someone who just fulfills 7 or the 11. Then what do you do? Do you dump them and try to find someone who has all 11? I say if you can get 6 or 7 of these in one person you are good to go.

Posted

Not married either. I think it's a paradox: I want to get married - big wedding, big dress, lots of roses and sunshine. After that I want to have kids. And a dog maybe. But the idea of marriage scares the hell out of me.

 

My ex bf was also putting pressure on me for a marrying him. We had similar goals in life, similar personalities (almost), great deal of things in common, he really was my best friend in the world. We were committed etc etc. All the 11 points. I just on't think we had the spark. HE was the first man sexually speaking and maybe that played a lot in it. I wasn't that attracted to him. And I think that we grow apart, inspite of our similarities. He was the man I am most compatible, intellectually speaking, the one I had went to by far the best parties, what can I say, it looked good.

 

 

But startingover1028 is totally right. Strong sexual attraction is one on the top most important things in a a relationship on my list. Love too.

 

If I were to add my own opinion, I'd say : Dedication, a form of compatibility and Patience.

 

 

To tell you the truth, it's not only about meeting the right person. You have to decide you want to get married. It's a decision you make when you're ready. Of course, meeting the right person is important, but it's not what triggers it. An then there's dedication. Like Matilda said (btw, I was about to call you "Martha") it's a decision you make every day, if you want to make it work. And then fighting to keep the interest of the other person (I know that actually living with the SO doesn't quite help keeping the mystery alive).

 

My mom believes that in a marriage, there's only one successful person. :). I have no idea if it's possible to have 2. I know I want a career for myself. And it would not bother me at all to see my bf less competitive or agressive. Frankly, I get that a lot on daily basis so if he can spare me at home, that would be great. But if he had one also, I'd say "hey, more money"!!!

 

I am a bit weak at managing stress, you know!

Posted
Originally posted by CurlyIam

Not married either. I think it's a paradox: I want to get married - big wedding, big dress, lots of roses and sunshine. After that I want to have kids. And a dog maybe. But the idea of marriage scares the hell out of me.

 

Look CURLYIAM, just get the dog and forget 'bout the other krap.

 

Golden Retrievers are great as are Labs. If you want something smaller Bichons are very loving and hypo-allergenic too!

Posted

I'm with Alpha on this one...

 

Let's not forget all the things about a dog that make him a better choice:

 

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs miss you when you're gone.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs don't criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

Dogs do not play games with you--except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw).

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.

You can train a dog.

Dogs are easy to buy for.

You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.

The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)

Dogs understand what no means.

Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.

Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

Dogs admit it when they're lost.

Dogs are color blind.

Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Posted

I believe marriage isn't for everyone........nothing new there. BUT....

 

If you raise questions about the purpose of marriage then you probably shouldn't get married.

 

Let me explain.

 

Marriage is not a simple concept or idea. Nor is it written in stone. It's ever changing. Not just on a physical level but emotional, as well as economical too. It's like having a job but your responsiblities change every other day and the pay is.....eh.

 

You have to go into it knowing this. If you have questions or concerns then your not ready or just not interested in marriage. That's fine too.

 

Of course, even if you know all this going into a marriage, there is no guaranty that the marriage will be blissful and last forever.

 

Remember, marriage is composed of 2 individuals. All it takes is for 1 individual to start questioning their roles and responsibilities.

 

You have to go into it knowing that your happy but maybe it won't last.

 

If you can deal with this then get married.

 

If not then get a pet.

Posted

LOOL, alpha!!! If I get a dog, I'm afraid my maternal insincts will take over and spoil the poor dog to death :o . I have to decide if the world needs another spoilled rotten, daily-kissin', suffocating huggin' Golden Retriever!!

Posted
The above is a very nice list MATILDA and I agree with it but how many people are going to find a mate that qualifies in all 11 areas? Let's say you had someone who just fulfills 7 or the 11. Then what do you do? Do you dump them and try to find someone who has all 11? I say if you can get 6 or 7 of these in one person you are good to go.

 

Gee, I'm sorry but I don't know the answers to your questions Alpha. I just wrote the list by focusing on the differences between my 1st marriage, which was good, and my second marriage, which was bad. My husband "qualifies" in all 11 areas, and for me all of these qualities are necessary. I'm not sure if it's the same for everyone.

  • Author
Posted

>> Strong sexual attraction is one on the top most important things in a a relationship on my list. Love too.<<

 

That's a particularly valuable bit of information coming from you, Curly (you're from Europe, as I recall). I was wondering if it was just an American thing, or whether the hunger for hot sex was more universal. I get the impression that most men and women everywhere want good sex, but is sexual attraction something you can just learn to live without? Can you just "settle" for mediocre and stay committed to your partner, believing deep down inside that perhaps "I could have done better."

 

I've been thinking about this constantly lately as I go through girlfriend after girlfriend, and I sense that my current relationship is about to end us well. I just get so bored - I haven't found anyone who makes me want to commit to them. I've only found one person in my life that really made me want to marry her, and truth is, she was pretty damn hot. Quite frankly, I enjoyed f*cking her - immensely! I don't compare my current girl (or the ones since) to her on a conscious level, but on a subconscious level, knowing what a good, passionate connection feels like, I know when I'm not feeling fulfilled. And yet I feel guilty for feeling this way, like I'm being selfish or vain.

 

The situation I'm in now causes me great vexation - vexation at myself, I suppose. I'm with a wonderful lady, someone who has an unbelievable heart. The kindness she's showed me over the last 6 months is something I'll always appreciate. But I just can't get into the relationship sexually the way I once did - I just don't have that kind of attraction to her. I don't think it's a loss of libido, either, because to confess, I really get horny thinking about a lot of other women. Sometimes I just want to be a bad boy, say f*ck it and cheat...but I can't do that to her.

 

>>>To tell you the truth, it's not only about meeting the right person. You have to decide you want to get married. It's a decision you make when you're ready.<<<

 

I absolutely agree with this, especially as I get older. I realize that part of the reason my relationship with my ex fiance failed was simply because a part of me felt rushed into things, and a part of me felt like I never got to move into the relationship on my own terms (it's a long story and I don't feel like explaing it right now). I remember the first day I ever met her (my ex fiance), she asked me about my future. I told her about all of these ambitious plans I had, which is partly why she was attracted to me. "I'll own my own business when I'm 30 and maybe settle down when I'm 35 or so). I think it was that last part that really got her juices flowing - the challenge to tie me down sooner. Love is weird.

 

I think one thing two married partners have to realize about being "in love" is that the love at first sight isn't love, it's lust. It's attraction, it's nature telling us to swap genes. That's the caveman talking, not the more sophisticated homosapien sporting an Armani suit or driving a four-door sports car. In the end, love between two partners is not really any different than love between two people. It's something that's earned over a long period of time, coming from shared experiences, and the trust and loyalty that are the natural bi-products of that. I think that when you look at one of those good, strong 60 or 70 year-old couples who are holding hands at a dinner table, you see friendship. The good hot sex probably died off a while ago, but it's been replaced by an irreplacable friendship.

 

>>> Of course, meeting the right person is important, but it's not what triggers it.<<<

 

Right. It's the decision beforehand, a decision to say that if the right one comes along, I'll marry her.

 

>>>My mom believes that in a marriage, there's only one successful person. :).<<<

 

Successful in what sense? I've seen two people in a marriage be successful in their career pursuits, but they have to have some built in flexibility and they can't have kids - kids change everything.

 

Your boyfriend's aggressive and competitive? I think that's sometimes a sore spot with Western men, because they often feel that if their woman is more successful than they are, then they aren't going to be as attractive in their s.o.'s eyes. I mean, take a look at the personal ads....lots of women who already make a lot of money want men who make more. Yeah, people say money doesn't matter, but I think that's bulls***.

Posted
Originally posted by amerikajin

....lots of women who already make a lot of money want men who make more. Yeah, people say money doesn't matter, but I think that's bulls***.

 

men look for youth and beauty and women look for resources. period. it is hard-wired into our DNA over yrs of evolution.

 

if a man wants to be with attractive women he better have some resources.

Posted

In marriage, these are the things are very important:

 

Respect

Honesty

Communication

Fidelity

Stability

Common goals

Common beliefs

Support

Trust

Integrity in your activities

Attraction

Mutual activities

Kindness

 

That's all I can really think of right now.

 

Joy

MT Student

  • Author
Posted

>>>men look for youth and beauty and women look for resources<<<

 

I agree completely. I wish I had a hard-on for personality, but I don't necessarily. I don't think that's being shallow, though some people might see it differently.

 

I think the bottom line for me is that one day I believe I'll want to marry. When I do, I only want to do it once. I don't mind going through a bunch of girlfriends before doing it, I suppose. Now, I believe that whatever you do in a relationship, things have to be handled with honor and respect toward the other person.

Posted
The above is a very nice list MATILDA and I agree with it but how many people are going to find a mate that qualifies in all 11 areas? Let's say you had someone who just fulfills 7 or the 11. Then what do you do? Do you dump them and try to find someone who has all 11? I say if you can get 6 or 7 of these in one person you are good to go.

 

They aren't that rare, really. I certainly wouldn't do without any of them. #9 you can maybe negotiate but the rest are no-brainers IMHO.

 

There appears to be a conflict here:

I wish I had a hard-on for personality, but I don't necessarily

 

The good hot sex probably died off a while ago, but it's been replaced by an irreplacable friendship.
Posted
Originally posted by amerikajin

>>>men look for youth and beauty and women look for resources<<<

 

It depends on what you understand by ressources. Decent pay at the end of the month - I agree. If you mean rich men... hum, you'll be surprised, but not all women want that. It's tough, there's a lot of competition and there's alwayd the risk of you getting dumped for a younger peace of you a**. Too many threats.

 

I think the bottom line for me is that one day I believe I'll want to marry. When I do, I only want to do it once.

 

I don't think it's so much a matter of deciing but a matter of being ready for it. That's the sad part. If you are able to listen to yourself, ok. Sometimes this decision is made unvoluntarily. But it is a decision.

 

I only want to suggest one point: you'll be the same person when you decide you want to be married as you are now. Girls are still gonna be attracted to you so don't ignore the temptation. The fact that you think you're ready to get married is an inner decision. The reality out there is gonna be the same. The only thing that will have change is your way of seeing life - e.g. monogamy, although you may meet other attractive people, kids, family, common friends...

 

 

This inner thing does not automatically do the trick. You'll still have a lot of fighting to do, especially if you're an attractive person. Hopefully, your maturing over this issue will play as an advantage and you shall end up a winner in fighting temptation.

Posted

People in America have been getting married for love since the pilgrims landed on the rock, its not new. Sure some married out of necessity, but the majority married for love. I think as society changes the perception of marriage and of our history has changed somewhat also. What was the line from that song? If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with. Learned love is still love.

 

Consider what is acceptable by society in the last 100 years too. Divorce was scandalous so people stayed married. Not just because of the fear of scandal, but out of respect for the vows they took. Nowadays society tells us to look for passion and sex, and its been a "just do it" society for a long time. People get married because they want sex and romance and don't think realistically about the long term investment. In our throw-away society, marriages are thrown away too. In the Bible belt the people get married because they feel it is right to do based on their religion and they want the freedom too so instead of really getting to know each other, they base their reason to get married on passion first. The pressures and influences on people change rapidly and we often have a difficult time adapting our selves as individuals and ourselves as part of a couple. Divorce is the easy answer. Sometimes its the right answer because the marriage itself was wrong to begin with, but sometimes I think people could work through the problems if they were more patient.

 

There are economic and religious trends in marriage, geographic too, but that is only part of it. How many people live together as husband and wife and then split up?

 

I've been married +20 years and it hasn't been easy and we have both had to change and adapt continuously.

 

I wish I had a hard-on for personality, but I don't necessarily. I don't think that's being shallow, though some people might see it differently.

 

I think the bottom line for me is that one day I believe I'll want to marry. When I do, I only want to do it once. I don't mind going through a bunch of girlfriends before doing it, I suppose. Now, I believe that whatever you do in a relationship, things have to be handled with honor and respect toward the other person.

 

You already have your answer. You will know when you want to marry. I don't think you are shallow. You can't be attracted to the personality of someone you see across the proverbial crowded room -- it's some physical attribute (or two ;) ) that will draw your eye to the person. You'll know that her personality has some appeal to you when you see her with green muck on her face and her hair in curlers and smelling of nail-polish and Noxema and you still smile at her and you feel your winky winking! That takes time though.

 

My husband still amazes me when I am sitting on the couch, looking absolutely horrific and "dowdy" is something I should aspire to, and he smiles and says "you're cute" and I know he means it. What he sees now is not what he first saw and was attracted to. And I feel the same about him when even when he is looking particularly scrungy! My heart sees him as beautiful because I love him. If anyone had told us that when we were first dating and even when were were first falling in love, we would have both exclaimed NO WAY! But it happened - over time, and it's personality based. We know each other well enough to SEE the personality first and not the physical attributes. I can say without a doubt in our case - if we saw each other now across that aforementioned crowded room - we would look the other way!

Posted

No offence, but to me, amerikajin is more of a "star". Attracting women. I have no idea if physically he also is attractive, but hey, in terms of personality I thinkhe has what he needs to drice a bunch of girls crazy. This in it's self, this power, has something of addictive. IT's like

 

MAy i ask you, HokeyReligion if your husband was a looker? A success from the sex appela pov?

 

I think that couple that don't have this issue to solve, do have a smaller amout of problems to outcome. Trust me, if he were someone especially concerned with looks, even after years together will still tell you to get your lil arse in the bathroom (or own room) and do your thing there.

 

People have different prefferences in terms of looks. I know my best friend went out with a guy and was the model in persona (always perfectly arranged, lots thinner than her usual self) and it did last... Like 2 years. Then she dumped him fr a guy who could cook ;).

 

My point: I don't personally think it will get better in time. He may get used to it (not being fit, etc), maybe even accept it, but he'll never appreciate it.

 

I think I'm making suppositions here based on one case, but hey, as far as I've seen it, that's how it worked. Sue me if you think differently :D .

 

Crisl

Posted

Originally posted by amerikajin

I was wondering if it was just an American thing, or whether the hunger for hot sex was more universal. I get the impression that most men and women everywhere want good sex, but is sexual attraction something you can just learn to live without? Can you just "settle" for mediocre and stay committed to your partner, believing deep down inside that perhaps "I could have done better."

 

I've done that with my ex. An excelent person, just an awful bf. Great sex - we knew our preferences in bed - but no sexual attraction. I was miserable in the end and decided that giving up being aroused at the idea of sex at 22 is plain lousy :laugh: . I don't know if it's an American or European thing... I have had lots of friends giving up their SO. The sexual dysfunction was never the main cause, but the main agravating factor. It's normal, we're not perfect. So if you looked closer, I'm sure that sex was not that great either. Real good chemistry can keep 2 people together :o . Not alone, of course. But hey, it's what can save a relationship.

 

Quite frankly, I enjoyed f*cking her - immensely! I don't compare my current girl (or the ones since) to her on a conscious level, but on a subconscious level, knowing what a good, passionate connection feels like, I know when I'm not feeling fulfilled.

If it's not enough for you, it's not enough for you. It's like you're feeling guilty for not being happy or inlove with her.

 

And yet I feel guilty for feeling this way, like I'm being selfish or vain.

 

Nope. Surrogates of love just won't do the trick for you ;).

 

 

But I just can't get into the relationship sexually the way I once did - I just don't have that kind of attraction to her. I don't think it's a loss of libido, either, because to confess, I really get horny thinking about a lot of other women. Sometimes I just want to be a bad boy, say f*ck it and cheat...but I can't do that to her.

 

That's a hard one to answer. I don't know. Maybe the right woman will calm you down. As I've seen in your posts, you say it's about physical attraction. I say: "Babe, it's all in your head". Youhave the ability to make all women submit to you. I think you're a bit of a concurrer. You need a girl who can stand up to you and not just give in. One that can keep your interest and bite and scream (euphemistically speaking)if she feels you're about to drift apart. I mean, a girl that opens her legs isn't that much of a conquest. They all do in the end. I wonder if seeing another nice woman, a diferent one is what turns you on, a challenge, the prospect of you fighting to get her interst and then making her submit to you... I don't know, just a thought.

 

I think it was that last part that really got her juices flowing - the challenge to tie me down sooner. Love is weird.

Well, this one was a challenge. Not love. When you love, you don't want to have your own way. Au contraire, you want the SO to succeed in accomplishing al his/her plans. You want to be there and enjoy their success. The thing is sticking by them. Not letting them go. The plans are on another area, the professional one. Relationship are on the personal one. Keeping it that way is, IMHO the best way to preserve a good relationship.

 

I think one thing two married partners have to realize about being "in love" is that the love at first sight isn't love, it's lust. It's attraction, it's nature telling us to swap genes. In the end, love between two partners is not really any different than love between two people. It's something that's earned over a long period of time, coming from shared experiences, and the trust and loyalty that are the natural bi-products of that.

 

I don't know about that. Love does not exclude attraction. It's being fantastically attracted to someone whom you think highly of. Whom you admire and in the same time whom you want to give in to you. Maybe I'm wrong, but the key success is to be able to preserve the mysery. The attraction. Right now, people tend to give it all at once. BAD idea.

 

Indeed, over time, it is possible for attraction to lose in intensity. But it's the challange. The fact that you're still drawn by that person. IT's her/him and no one else. I think it's a bit normal not to want him/her over an wall for the rest of your life ;) -we even had a thread about too much sex, LOOL.

 

 

 

Your boyfriend's aggressive and competitive?

 

My ex was competitive. I'm 4 years younger than him so I guess he could never imagine me, the eternal student, actually more successful or successful. He always wanted to enhance his supperiority which in the end, made me puke :sick: .

 

I think that's sometimes a sore spot with Western men He was an Eastern European also. I think Western European men tend to take women career way better than their Eastern counterparts, because they're a bit more used to it. And yet, it depends on her degree of success. I haven't been here long enough to give a proper answer. In a sense, Westerners are much more mysogin. They are cool with it at home, but at the work place they certainly are making more dyscriminations. The reverse with Easterners: they are waaaay more macho at home, but in Eastern Europe, in the work places, as a woman, you have a real chance of getting at the top of the lader, if you're a pro.

 

About the money... I pretty much agree to crisp. BTW, nice post crisp. I think you were quite perceptive of our friend here :p .

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