Physical Pain in My Chest...Is this Relationship Not Right?

[happiness0421]

Hi all,

 

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 10 months. He is wonderful, kind, caring, supportive - the whole nine yards - would rope the moon for me.

 

About 5 months into our relationship, he told me he loved me. At the time, I had very strong feelings, but wasn't quite ready for the 'L' word (I've always been a late bloomer in that category). Ever since the day he told me he loved me, I have developed a physical pain in my chest - almost like a pressing or crushing pain. It is dull, but noticeable, and I have written it off for the past few months, trying to convince myself it doesn't have to do with my boyfriend.

 

Now, however, I have literally started to get back pain and nausea from this chest pain. I have started to feel like the pain derived from thinking that he will always love me more than I love him, since he said it first and I was not initially able to say it back. We have had a wonderful 10 months together, but I can't ignore this pain anymore, and I certainly can't live with it for the rest of my life. I'm really hurting now (physically and emotionally), and I don't want to end this...has anyone else experienced anything like this before?

[Almond_Joy]

Emotional stress can most certainly manifest as physical pain. I think the longer you keep yourself in limbo the worse it will get.

 

If you're not ready to say I love you back to him, that's fine. He's an adult, he can choose to leave if that doesn't work for him. But he hasn't left which should tell you that he can respect your decision and still want to be with you. Has he pressured you or tried to make you feel bad for not saying it yet? If not, you really shouldn't worry about that.

 

As for one loving more than the other in a relationship....I think that's often a misconception. People can love each other equally but just express it in different ways, and the societal value people place on one form of expression over another can give the impression that one is "better" than the other. That is not true. For all you know your bf could feel very loved by you even if you haven't said the words because you do or say other things that support that sentiment. It's an important phrase, but it's still just a set of words.

 

Obviously it troubles you that you are not comfortable saying that particular phrase 10 months in. So start working to explore why you feel that way. You say it's because you're a late bloomer, but what exactly does that mean? Are you "late" to be emotionally vulnerable with your bf, or late to feeling committed enough to say you love someone? Maybe you feel love places some additional obligation on the relationship you're not ready for or don't want? I'm not saying it's any of these things, just some questions to consider to get to the heart of the issue.

 

It doesn't sound like this pressure is just about a perceived "imbalanc" of love to me. It does sound very much self-imposed. Don't stress about the implications so much, and be patient as you get to the heart of the problem. It honestly sounds like you're worrying yourself into poor health.

 

Edited to add that yes, I have suffered physical pain from emotional anxiety. Horrible chest constrictions and vomiting in a breakup, back pain stomach problems and fatigue during relationship issues....all spawning from emotional projections I made. It's exhausting physically and emotionally, the energy was better spent for me in learning how to fix the problems spawning the emotional reactions.

Edited March 12, 2014 by Almond_Joy

[happiness0421]

Thanks AJ - your response is appreciated. I did not clarify in my initial post - I did say "I love you" about 1.5 months later, and I meant it and was sincere. However, that dull, aching feeling in my chest was, and still is, there.

 

I also feel like a lot of this has to do with external pressure I feel around me. A lot of my friends and peers are moving in together, getting engaged, married, etc. I can't picture this for myself right now, so I am often left wondering, "If I can't picture it, is it because I can't picture it with THIS person?" It's certainly been a struggle for me. Sometimes I wish I was like those girls on The Bachelor and could fall in love at the drop of a hat.

[MidwestUSA]

Have you ruled out physical causes? A hot gallbladder comes to mind.

Are there times of day/night when it's worse than other times?

[somedude81]

Hi all,

 

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 10 months. He is wonderful, kind, caring, supportive - the whole nine yards - would rope the moon for me.

 

About 5 months into our relationship, he told me he loved me. At the time, I had very strong feelings, but wasn't quite ready for the 'L' word (I've always been a late bloomer in that category). Ever since the day he told me he loved me, I have developed a physical pain in my chest - almost like a pressing or crushing pain. It is dull, but noticeable, and I have written it off for the past few months, trying to convince myself it doesn't have to do with my boyfriend.

 

Now, however, I have literally started to get back pain and nausea from this chest pain. I have started to feel like the pain derived from thinking that he will always love me more than I love him, since he said it first and I was not initially able to say it back. We have had a wonderful 10 months together, but I can't ignore this pain anymore, and I certainly can't live with it for the rest of my life. I'm really hurting now (physically and emotionally), and I don't want to end this...has anyone else experienced anything like this before?

Have you seen a doctor?

 

You should probably rule out any serious cause first. You don't want to believe that it's just emotional guilt when you really have lung cancer.

[aussietigerwolf]

Have you ruled out physical causes? A hot gallbladder comes to mind.

Are there times of day/night when it's worse than other times?

 

I have to agree... have you had it checked out by a dr?

[BC1980]

My ex said that he felt a "peculiar heart pain" when he thought about marrying me. He said he was fine, but, when he thought about marriage, he felt physically off somehow. If you are going to leave him, please do it now. Don't be like my ex and wait 3 years after you're living together. Don't do that to a person. My boyfriend said this first happened to him after 2 years, and it went away for one year. Then, it happened again a year later, and he ended it.

 

Maybe your boyfriend isn't right for you, or maybe you have unresolved issues. Either way, it needs to be addressed because something isn't right. Whatever the problem is, it's clearly manifesting physical symptoms.

[Almond_Joy]

Thanks AJ - your response is appreciated. I did not clarify in my initial post - I did say "I love you" about 1.5 months later, and I meant it and was sincere. However, that dull, aching feeling in my chest was, and still is, there.

 

I also feel like a lot of this has to do with external pressure I feel around me. A lot of my friends and peers are moving in together, getting engaged, married, etc. I can't picture this for myself right now, so I am often left wondering, "If I can't picture it, is it because I can't picture it with THIS person?" It's certainly been a struggle for me. Sometimes I wish I was like those girls on The Bachelor and could fall in love at the drop of a hat.

 

Ah, thank you for clarifying.

 

.....this definitely seems to be a more common issue among women than men in my experience. Seeing things in others' relationship that we think are lacking in our own, and then second guessing our relationship as a result. That's been a long struggle for me also not to do that. If you are happy in your relationship....I've found it better to just kind of ignore other people's relationships. You start looking at what other people are doing and comparing it with your life right now and end up doubting a relationship you were perfectly happy with before. If you look at your relationship - without comparing the timeline to those benchmarks(engagement & moving in) - and you feel happy, loved, and secure with your bf and he feels the same, then the pace/state of your relationship is probably right where it should be.

 

It's really hard to say, even with all the info you gave, whether the doubt about your bf is spawning from the social pressures/expectations not being met, OR if the doubt about him and the social pressures are two insular sources of anxiety. I agree with BC that you should consider talking to him about these thoughts. If it's just the social pressure, that's something you two can work on alleviating together. If you're not even a year in.....and you're entertaining thoughts that you don't want to stay with him long term....if I was a fully invested and long term committed partner to you, that's a red flag I'd want and deserve to know about. If you want to be together for the long term it's important to really look into doubts like this and where they're coming from and dispel them.

[RDawg]

Please tell him everything you have told us. He has a right to know. If you were crazy in love with him and happy in your relationship I don't think you would be having these issues. At least if you tell him he can decide if he wants to stay with someone who is so conflicted after almost a year together.

[David87]

Please tell him everything you have told us. He has a right to know. If you were crazy in love with him and happy in your relationship I don't think you would be having these issues. At least if you tell him he can decide if he wants to stay with someone who is so conflicted after almost a year together.

 

I totaly agree with RDawg, You have to tell him this issue and after that go se a doctor because this could be something serious.