FWB gone haywire - help!

[purple21]

I hoping that some of you can give me some words of wisdom. I've got it really bad for this guy for some reason and it is driving me crazy..

 

We are coworkers and after a night out about a month and a half ago we ended up spending the night together. And then the next night. I had a fabulous time and besides sex we spent a lot of time talking about things and hanging out. I just had the best time and he kept saying things how we would be hanging out in the future, etc. Then I didn't hear from him in a few days and he sends me an email that he has been keeping to himself. Of course I tried calling a few times here and there but didn't really get too much of a response.

 

Then about a week ago I did the old drunk booty call saying I was in the neighborhood, etc. I ended up getting a text message the next night inviting me over. So I spent the night again and we had a great time and made he made it seem like we would be hanging out again. We were suppose to meet for a lunch date the next day and when I emailed him he said he was too busy. I tried inviting him out for dinner on Wednesday and recvd no response. Then I emailed him on Friday again with no response.

 

Part of the problem is that he is going through a lot right now and told me so and just started some antidepressants, he also is going through some other problems.

 

Yesterday I got the nerve to go talk to him in person at work and he seemed happy to see me and I asked him if wanted to hang out later and he said maybe and he would have to call and let me know. He said he was having a really bad day and couldn't give me an answer on the spot. Of course I didn't hear from him.

 

I tried to promise myself not to contact him again but today was his bday so I went to visit him again and we also emailed each other a couple times. I also feel hurt that he is going out for happy hour with his group from work and some other friends bought him lunch but when I wanted to do something for him he didn't really give me answer.

 

I've hooked up with other men before and it wasn't a big deal to me but the times me and this guy were together I had the best time hanging out with him. We have a lot of similiar interest and got had a lot of fun. I just can't get him out of my head.

 

Right now as I read this I know it isn't good. If he really wanted to be with me he would call me.

 

Another embarassing thing I did was leave him a sort of booty call email when I left work today.

 

Grr - this has been driving me nuts for the last month and a half.

 

Do you think there is anything I can do at this point to make him think I'm not such a pain in the ass and we can be friends? I'm afraid I've scared him off. I really don't want to leave things like they are.

 

I think the problem is that I had such a great time with him. I just got out of a 6 year relationship last May that I'm totally over and we never had that spark that I had with this guy in 3 nights. I've also met some other guys after the break up but they ended up all being one night stands, not guys I really would want to hang out with again.

 

The problem is that this is consuming all my thoughts and driving me crazy. I can't think about anything else. I feel like a total freak but I don't know what do. I'm trying to keep myself busy but I have no desire and I get so aggrivated.

 

I promise I will not contact him for a few days and see what happens - it's so hard for me not too but I really need to stop. I always seem to get this way if I really like someone. I have like no control.

 

I was thinking of sending him an email Friday and apologizing for being a pain in the ass and hope that we can still be friends and let him contact me from there. I just feel like I need to say something to make myself feel better you know what I mean and but some sort of closure on the craziness.

 

Please help - I can't stop thinking about this.

[gypsycat]

Couple of observations

1. I think you need to back off a little bit, you do sound a little overly keen. I don't think it needs to be an all or nothing thing, just try and treat him like you would any other friend and keep your level of contact at the same level you would a good friend.

 

2. Guys are guys, I still haven't figured them out. This I do know though, they aren't girls and they don't think like them. I think you're overanalyzing, women tend to do that, I bet you'll find he has no clue, he's seeing you as a friend not a girlfriend and acting like that. I'm up to be proven wrong here, so guys go for it.

 

3. You want more and you're keen but he may only be looking for a fwb arrangement which would explain why he seems a little aloof to you. The thing about FWB is you can't go in hoping for more, you have to keep your romantic emotions in check. It's tough to do, I'm not sure if I recommend it or not, takes some discipline.

 

4. Back to the guys are guys, for whatever reason they talk positively about the future and then back off. My FWB has done this twice to me - first off he started talking about getting together every second weekend (we live in different cities) scared the hell out of me and then backed right away from that; second just 3 weeks ago he tells me he loves me, scared the hell out of meagain, and he hasn't necessarily backed away from this but he doesn't want to discuss it and we went back to normal. Go figure. I can handle that, I didn't want more and I'm starting to see this as part of his personality. He's not playing games, just has a few to drink and expresses more than he might otherwise. Doesn't mean things change.My point if you go in with a true FWB arrangement, you're great friends with benefits, not hoping for something more and settling for this arrangement you can handle this kind of behaviour, if you're looking for more then get that out upfront or you'll end up hurting and it's not worth it.

 

Just relax a bit, back off a little bit, try and occupy yourself with a few other friends/interests. Don't go playing hard to get, just get the level of contact in perspective. What will be will be. Don't rush it. You can't make someone as interested as you want them to be, they either are or they aren't, they may become interested over time but you cant make it happen to your timetable.

[joseyposie]

Read "He is just not that into you" a great women's guide.

[CONFUSED0202]

Originally posted by joseyposie

Read "He is just not that into you" a great women's guide.

 

 

Josey, you are absolutely right... This is the ultimate guide for women.

But unfortunatley i have found that sometimes is just not that cut & dry.

 

and we as women also tend to make excuses for the guys and ourselves.

 

If we could all follow this book we would all be better off, we would probably also be very lonely.

[Eddie Lopez]

How about a guy' s point of view, now first i just wanna say sory if i'm to blunt but that's how i am. It sounds like a fwb thing, if thats not what you want you have to let him know, you have to remember guys dont understand girls so if there is somthing that you want and you never say anything about it we wont know.

 

Well i going to leave you with somthing i tell everybody "we chase that which runs from us"

[exotic_angel]

what if i stay away for 2 weeks would he chase me then.....

[poister]

It really sounds like he is not sure what he wants. Whether you can live in that uncertainty is up to you, but if not, you should perhaps back away a little. If it turns out he really is interested, he will make a move eventually. And if he doesn't, you will know how he feels.

[butterfly29]

Well, what I've learned is that most men assume that if you start having sex with them that means that you are absolutely happy with the type of relationship the two of you are having and have no rights for any further expectations from him. Most women however, once they make a step further towards a guy naturally start wanting more from him. You have to understand that if you start having sex with a guy before the two of you have it clearly established it that you want to start a relationship you are getting into a high risk zone. The relationship will most likely never happen and women usually get hurt. Usually they get hunted by many bad feelings, one, you start liking the intimate time you have with a guy and you crave for intimacy with him in other areas, two, you feel rejected and unworthy of being something more than a friend, three, you feel like he is using you for sex and doesn't have any respect in you. He, on the other hand likes having sex with you and hang out with you but isn't really sure about his feelings for you, while at the same time probably feels like an a**h*** for hurting your feelings and not being able to give you more of what you want. In the end, when it all comes down to simplicity, you both just like each other as friends and having sex together. Friends with benefits is an oxymoron. Friends shouldn't have sex together and if they do, I definately wouldn't call it beneficial, perhaps other than learning the sad truth of the cituation.

[purple21]

Thanks you all for your advice. I did not contact him at all today. I know it is only one day but I did it - yeah! I would just read your responses whenever I have the urge. Plus now I can only contact him at work because he just changed his phone service and got a new phone# and I of course don't have it. He actually told me about it when I was over there last time. Of course it bothers me he didn't give me his new number - that should be another sign.

 

 

Grrr - I know I need to move on and and let things happen whatever way they were meant to happen but it still really hurts. I know people can do this but I just don't understand how someone can act so close to someone and then just forget about it.

 

I definitely have to be more careful next time with my emotions - because this is really driving me crazy and I don't like it.

 

He is also looking for a new job out of the area and that is also stressing me out - it shouldn't but I'm dreading the day I find out that he is leaving.

 

I also have to get myself to believe that there will other guys in the future that I would enjoy being with more. I know that sounds silly but I can't help feeling like there isn't right now. My head knows but the heart doesn't yet.

 

I'm still just so embarassed for trying so hard the last couple days with him and wish I could take some it back. I think I'm going to wait a little while and write him a how ya doing message because I know he is going through a hard time right now and then let him take it from there. The only reason I want to write to him one more time is because I would feel better if my last email to him wasn't a booty call one.

 

Thanks for your help. I really appreciate being able to talk to you about this because I'm definitely too embarassed to talk about it with my friends - I kinda leave out some of the details.

 

So I'll really try to move on - I wish I had a switch that would turn all this thinking off because all and all it isn't really that big of a deal and I'm mad that I'm wasting so much of my energy on it when I have so many other things to think about. But just having a hard time concentrating on things and feel really emotional. I guess with time it will pass. I think the winter blues are also getting to me.

 

 

I just have to take things one day at a time because looking at the future kinda stresses me out - I don't want to be feeling this crappy in a couple months.

 

I also have to stop thinking that there is something I can do to make him change is mind, nothing - that is the one thing that is hard for me. I keep trying to over-analyze things and grasping for straws. I realize that sounds desperate but I'm pouring out what I'm really feeling hoping it helps. I'm just so aggrevated right now.

 

 

So thanks again everyone and I always welcome more words of wisdom - it is really helpful I don't want to contact him again tomorrow - I know I can do it.

[Neechi]

purple21,

 

I know this may be difficult to read and I am going to give my opinion in a blunt manner so if you don't want to see anything negative, please skip over my remarks.

 

It sounds like the guy is probably using you for occasional sex. Once he gets it, he pulls back because his needs have been met. If he had an interest in more than that, I don't think he'd be sending you mixed signals.

 

When I was in my early 20s, I used to be this way (at various times) with certain females that I was kind of attracted to but not attracted enough to really want anything serious. I'd show some interest because I needed some physical attention and once I got it, I'd be off doing my own thing and the female would be left scratching her head as to why I wasn't as attentive.

 

Obviously a guy who acts that way isn't very considerate or thoughtful about how his actions can affect somebody else and many guys (like myself) eventually learn to not act that way. But it sounds like this particular guy has not reached that point. (I admit I am guessing based off of your remarks on the situation).

 

From an outsider's perspective, I think you are setting yourself up for more heartache if you continue down this path with this guy. I would think if he really wants to be with you, he would follow through and take you out on dates, etc. If he isn't doing those things, it is because he is already getting what he wants and doesn't feel the need to put out any more effort.

 

I think the healthiest thing for you would be to back off and go meet other people. I realize that can be easier said than done when feelings are involved but I do think you would end up better off in the long run.

 

Good luck.

[Eddie Lopez]

Originally posted by exotic_angel

what if i stay away for 2 weeks would he chase me then.....

 

Sorry but it dosent quite work that way, it's part of a three step process called "The Tao of Steve" ( it's a comedy, watch it) i've tried it it works.

[masala]

Don't call/e-mail him again.

 

See him again if you really must (if *he* contacts you), but don't sleep with him. See whether or not you like him personally and whether or not he seems to you, apart from the sex. Chances are you won't like what you see...

 

My recommendation in general would be to look somewhere else, though.

[purple21]

Thanks for all your advice - my head knows you are all right and I wish I would just chill.

But of course - I tried to contact him again. These are the stupid things I did now.

 

Wednesday - I didn't contact him -yeah!!!

 

Thrus - I sent him the email that I was sorry for being a pain in the butt in the beginning of the week and to see how his birthday was and how he was doing. He said - It was ok - you were acting a little strange.

So I emailed him back and told him that yeah I know - that work and the weather were getting to me. Then I told him that I have fun hanging out with him and was just looking to have some more fun. No response.

 

Friday - I did good all day at work - tried to keep myself from thinking about it. Then I got home and it was driving me crazy so I sent him another email - Just seeing what you were up to tonight - call or email me.

 

Why am I so nuts? I know he isn't going to call and he probably thinks I nuts. I promised myself on Thursday that I was not going to contact him at all and then maybe in a month visit him at work (we work at the same place but diff depts) just to say hi and tell him how great I was doing or hoping within that month time that I would lose this crazyness and not even care.

 

I don't know why I emailed him today - I know he isn't interested if he hasn't contacted me on his own - but for some reason I was so anxious about it that I couldn't shake it until I sent him the email - I think it is because I've been kinda down the last 2 months and had such a fun time with him that I was just grasping for straws to have that feeling again, can't let it go for some reason.

 

So I'm feeling more rational now and just need some advice on what to do when I get that irrational urge - this isn't the first time I've had these feelings with a guy. It's very annoying. Sometimes I can control it sometimes not.

 

Why would I even want to be with someone like this anyways - maybe that last email got it all out of my system. I'm also hoping that he is cool enough that he won't go telling people that I'm a crazy loon. I know what I did wasn't too crazy but it wasn't cool either and I definitely need to have NC with him from now on.

 

The only good thing out of this whole situation is that I know I'm definitely over my ex that I broke up with in May - we went out for 6 years. I have no desire to go back out with him. He still calls me though. The problem with that relationship is that I never really had a spark with him but he slowly pursued me and we became good friends. I think you need a good balance of the 2 to make things work.

 

I think the reason this is causing me so much stress is because I'm going through a time in my life where things aren't going so well - job & money problems and all and all not feeling so great. I think the rejection is just pushing me over the top. I realize this guy is a jerk and not worth this much energy but I'm just so mad at how it turned out but there isn't anything I can do about it and need to let it go.

 

Please send me your tips on letting this go and what to do when I'm feeling irrational - I really need some. I got some movies to watch tonight and tomorrow I have plans to go out - thank goodness - hopefully they won't fall through or I may go crazy. I really need to learn how to enjoy being alone and have more self esteem so I stop feeling so down and obsessive. I also need to avoid anymore one night stands or whatever you want to call it because I definitely can't handle it.

 

Thanks for letting me spew this all out because I'm definitely too embarassed to talk to my friends about it and it helps to write it out. Help me.

[Eddie Lopez]

Have you ever thought about keeping a journal or somthing, some kind of creative outlet. Try going to the gym or somthing. If your like me, in a month or two you'll be a lot stronger, both physicaly and mentaly.

[purple21]

I'm feeling much better now - whew - I watched a couple movies got into them and relaxed - yeah

It kept my mind off of things for awhile and I feel like I'm thinking clearer now. Just have to make sure I keep this up. I know in another month or two - this won't seem like a big deal at all. I did join the gym this week - I'm planning on going there after work next week so I'm not near a computer to email anybody I think I'll get a movie pass from Blockbuster so I always have a movie to throw in when I need to relax.

 

I admit I still feel a little embarassed but all in all I didn't do anything too crazy. I really don't want to be with someone for a night every couple weeks - what the heck is that? Not really what I'm looking for. Just have to keep this up.

[SoleMate]

This isn't even really "FWB", since you started out just as coworkers and acquaintances, not true friends. I would call it more "Casual sex on his side, she's hoping for something resembling caring or commitment". It's an old story. It's far better never to get into this situation, but once you are, really the only way to save your dignity and peace of mind is to get back out of it. Total NC is essential - and you should start looking for a new job, which will keep you too busy to think about him. Once you are working somewhere new, with new work and new people, you'll be distracted. (If you must contact him, NO MORE APOLOGIES!)

 

As to why you feel so nuts and wanting him so badly despite his rejection of you: It does feel crazy, but be aware it is also quite typical of human beings, particularly female ones. The sex and the other good times together caused him to deposit Love Units in your Love Bank, so you feel a warm attachment to him. You did not, for whatever reason, probably not even related to your personal merits, deposit a similar number of Love Units with him. Hence he does not feel the attraction. Most men prefer to manage the chase themselves, so you must use a lot of finesse if you want to do the chasing. (Please see <URL removed> on the Love Bank and how romantic love develops.)

 

I also have to get myself to believe that there will other guys in the future that I would enjoy being with more. I know that sounds silly but I can't help feeling like there isn't right now. My head knows but the heart doesn't yet.

Your heart will catch up. Just don't fall in love with men before they fall in love with you. Simple....

 

Rules for next time:

1) Don't climb into bed until you really know him WELL and can predict how he will treat you afterwards

2) Don't get involved with coworkers

3) Don't get involved in casual sex (the kind where the sex comes before or instead of the emotional, committed, exclusive relationship)

[Mary3]

It sounds like you have fallen in love with him which explains why this attachement occured. Make no mistake about it - Its Unhealthy for You. You will see that with time....when your heart and your emotional needs aren't met....

 

He sounds like he sees you as * someone to have sex with at his conveinance * which I am not pointing fingers because it has happened to me.

 

You want more than just the sex, they just want the sex and * Gosh its time for me to go * ( Looking at his watch ).... We are human . We have needs . Unfortunately we may do things to get those needs met which are not good for us if what we are looking for is not being found in that other person.

 

The Gym is a great idea. So is going on casual simple dates with lots of other people and going out with friends and watching movies .

 

You need to focus off this guy. I seriously doubt he is going to say : Oh my God she is ignoring me and now I must persue her "

 

You dont want it to happen that way. So in the future try to not sleep with someone if in fact you are looking for warm tender feelings with committment. If you are looking for casual fun sex then you are in the right ballpark.

[Stylin22]

I'm telling you right now...if you don't slow this all down, any chance of something coming from it is going to go out the window. Allow the brother to breathe...usually when we tell a girl we will call, we use the 3 day rule. That's just a reference so that you may understand it's okay to wait some days...You are seriously towing the line here if he hasn't already decided to let you go. The fact that he said you were acting strange was a huge sign. As in, I'm kinda watching your moves here so be careful...

I honestly think it's a remote chance that something will come from it and I have to be upfront. I would think fun times happened and then some sex, sure that's all good. But starting to act a bit psycho is a huge turn off cause it becomes SCAREY. No guy wants to deal with an unstable girl (especiallly a guy who may be unstable himself), we all understand that girls are the emotional ones but when it comes like you have been describing it, it appears to be "more than we thought, more than we are willing to handle". Reading your posts, I can sit here and go, oh well she's excited, but he ain't thinking that....I can guarantee you of it. You gotta have discipline here and after all this "needing to contact him" stuff, you have to have more. You may have pushed this guy out so far that you may need to break from him to re-establish a relationship. As in weeks or a month type thing. He thought, cool hook-ups, he isn't necessarily getting that....Just a guy's POV....good luck

[Magus]

"The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone." Thats the best advice I've ever got.

The word "slut", is too often used as a bad descriptor. I'm a bit of a slut, with some whore to boot.

Come to think of it, aint most guys sluts anyway?

[purple21]

Thank you all for your responses – they are all very helpful.

 

Magus – hehe very funny. I think that is how I got in the situation in the first place.

 

I was always one to avoid one night stands. My friends would talk about them and I just couldn’t understand why you would want to. I think part of the problem was I had some sexual problems – would always freeze up making it impossible. Me and my ex of 6 years were only able to have sex maybe 3 times within 6 years – we did other things but it was definitely a problem. Went to therapy for it for awhile but never got over it while we were together.

 

Then around Halloween ended up randomly hookin up with a guy at a party – he wanted sex but I refused. Gave him my # and never heard from him. He was the first guy I was with after my breakup and was very happy about it because it actually help me move on from the past. Was very excited for future adventures J

 

Then 2 weeks later – hooked up with another guy I met at a bar – he also wanted sex but neither of us had birth control. Didn’t hear back from him either.

 

I wasn’t too upset about not hearing from these guys because I did not know them at all. It actually inspired me to fix my sexual problem which I did with some books and stuff I had from my therapy.

 

Well needless to say I then hooked up with the guy from work, we had sex, and it was the first time I actually enjoyed it. So I think that is another reason why I became so attached. Just a little more history to the situation. It was also different because he made it seem like we hanging out more.

 

Well anywho – I realize I blew the whole thing out of proportion and will be working on getting over it. I know I might have some urges during the work week to contact him but I’m promising myself not to act on them – it won’t help anything. I’m actually making a deal with myself that I won’t contact him at all for 2 weeks. I’ll try not have any urges but if I do I’ll tell myself not for 2weeks. I’m hoping as the time passes I will forget about it all together.

 

So I’m gonna concentrate on myself for now and try to make myself happier in all the other aspects of my life. The other thing I also have to do is to stop beating myself up over this. I keep wishing that I could of handled this all differently. Just wish there was some way to save face in the whole situation.

[Magus]

Hun, theres no way to save face in a public forum.

I'm a complete @ss, so trust me when I say this.

The best you can do is hope for the best n try not to get misunderstood

(even though that still seems to happen to me).

 

I wish you the best in your endevor to avoid becoming a stalker.

:-*

[louisejulie]

Originally posted by purple21

I'm feeling much better now - whew - I watched a couple movies got into them and relaxed - yeah

It kept my mind off of things for awhile and I feel like I'm thinking clearer now. Just have to make sure I keep this up. I know in another month or two - this won't seem like a big deal at all. I did join the gym this week - I'm planning on going there after work next week so I'm not near a computer to email anybody I think I'll get a movie pass from Blockbuster so I always have a movie to throw in when I need to relax.

 

I admit I still feel a little embarassed but all in all I didn't do anything too crazy. I really don't want to be with someone for a night every couple weeks - what the heck is that? Not really what I'm looking for. Just have to keep this up.

 

It does sound like you're looking for more than he is ready to give. I have been in this situation and you know what it is? i'll tell you hun, forbbiden fruit. Its cos we want what we cant have. keep being strong.

[purple21]

Thanks guys.

Well I made it through the workday without any contact. I do not want to be a stalker.

I still want to be friendly so I may say hi in a couple weeks at work and see how he is doing but I will not ask him to do anything. He has also been dead set on getting a new job out West so he may be gone anyday anyways

 

Grrr - I'm still in a super crappy mood though - but I know in time it will pass - it still sucks and is very frustrating.

Need to find some more single friends - most of my friends now are in a relationship or married and they are driving me nuts - I think I also have the winter blues - I think I'm going to call tomorrow to start therapy again to help me through this funk.

 

Blah

[karlym3]

Originally posted by Eddie Lopez

Sorry but it dosent quite work that way, it's part of a three step process called "The Tao of Steve" ( it's a comedy, watch it) i've tried it it works.

 

 

GIve us some hints from the movie so we dont have to shell out 20 bucks for the movie. Many of us are int he same boat. nice to hear from a guys perspective

[SuperFantastico]

This guy has some stuff he has to get over. I mean hes starting an anti-depressant program. Back off and give him some space. Last thing you need to do is give him a nervous breakdown. I say take it easy on the poor guy. FWB like i think blind-otter said is sex every once in a while, without much in the way of meaninful conversation. That way you spare your emotions and dont get hooked.

 

You just got out of a long term relationship. Play the field a bit. This guy can be a great resource for you inbetween dates(with other guys). So take it slow, have fun.

Dont rebound on this guy, he has enough to worry about. And just because he wants to hang around with people from work, dosnt mean hes doing it to spite you or something. People from work = no commitment fun. They are not really friends, and you only see them 5 days a week for 8 hours or so.