simplicity1 Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 My BF of 3 months broke up with me a few weeks ago. There were a set of things I did that made him feel anxious and pressured about our relationship, and I think he abruptly associated heightened anxiety with not having animalistic desire for me when in reality he DID have that desire and it's just that the anxiety made him feel like it had gone away. Neither of us expected our talk to lead to a breakup. We had plans that he had initiated for afterwards. This came very suddenly. My plan right now (to keep myself sane) is to move forward with a 30-day cleansing, allowing my post-breakup emotions to calm before I take any additional action. I feel like I'll look back on this as a missed opportunity- a thing that was blossoming and that never got its fair chance due to an excessively abrupt decision to cut things short. I think he felt anxiety and ran away from it. I think if he has time to let the anxiety fade he might also realize that there was a missed opportunity here. I'm on day 13 of NC. Somewhere around day 30, I plan to reassess how I am feeling, and if I still standby that there was a missed opportunity here, then I'd like to contact him by text or else go to the gym at a time when he might be there and have the most relaxed conversation (or encounter) that we can manage. I'd like him to tip toe back and if I can be more rational and relaxed about things then I think he may start feeling what he originally did without those feelings masked by anxiety. Is this a good plan? Rereading this, I sound pretty matter-of-fact, but in reality I'm really, really hurting over this and I am imposing the plan precisely in order to be able to be somewhat matter-of-fact about things. If this is a good plan, and if I still feel the same way once 30 days have passed, what sorts of things can I say or do to make us casually get back in contact in a way that might reawaken the desire in him? Thanks for help/advice....
Jiivy Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 My BF of 3 months broke up with me a few weeks ago. There were a set of things I did that made him feel anxious and pressured about our relationship, and I think he abruptly associated heightened anxiety with not having animalistic desire for me when in reality he DID have that desire and it's just that the anxiety made him feel like it had gone away. Neither of us expected our talk to lead to a breakup. We had plans that he had initiated for afterwards. This came very suddenly. My plan right now (to keep myself sane) is to move forward with a 30-day cleansing, allowing my post-breakup emotions to calm before I take any additional action. I feel like I'll look back on this as a missed opportunity- a thing that was blossoming and that never got its fair chance due to an excessively abrupt decision to cut things short. I think he felt anxiety and ran away from it. I think if he has time to let the anxiety fade he might also realize that there was a missed opportunity here. I'm on day 13 of NC. Somewhere around day 30, I plan to reassess how I am feeling, and if I still standby that there was a missed opportunity here, then I'd like to contact him by text or else go to the gym at a time when he might be there and have the most relaxed conversation (or encounter) that we can manage. I'd like him to tip toe back and if I can be more rational and relaxed about things then I think he may start feeling what he originally did without those feelings masked by anxiety. Is this a good plan? Rereading this, I sound pretty matter-of-fact, but in reality I'm really, really hurting over this and I am imposing the plan precisely in order to be able to be somewhat matter-of-fact about things. If this is a good plan, and if I still feel the same way once 30 days have passed, what sorts of things can I say or do to make us casually get back in contact in a way that might reawaken the desire in him? Thanks for help/advice.... I'm in a kind of similar space, although with a very different situation. My fiancée of 7 years left me recently without much explanation - we were due to marry later this year and my entire life has come crashing down. Now I know that I have to give this a second to simply cool off. I won't do anything more that push her further away if I keep attacking her with questions and demanding answers... A 30 day plan sounds great in order to come back and re assess. You've inspired me to try the same - Im going to plan out my next 30 days without her and take it one step at a time. Let me ask you something though, is your 30 day plan really a plan to truly evaluate things, or simply to give yourself an excuse to get back in touch after some length of time? Right now I have to believe that my fiancée is doing this out of confusion and fear - sounds like your other half is too.Because of that confusion, I don't think you can dictate or trick yourself in to setting some time period to decide when they'll get over it. It's not going to work unless you let them get in to the right space and come back to you, when they're ready. Think back to your relationship and ask yourself if, anxiety aside, it was a good one. Ask yourself if it was the best one and ask yourself if you see it having a decent shot. If it was, then given time he'll come back. If that connection was that good then he'll see this too - and his return will be so much more powerful for it having been a point of his own development. I live in this camp right now. I have faith that our relationship was golden and I believe that at some point after being hurt down the line, she'l realise it too. You have to ask yourself if that times comes, will you be ready to forgive them? Will you be able to trust them and give it a shot? Take it for 30 days. If he's not back, take it for another 30....keep going and keep making plans for yourself. Let him figure this out and become a stronger person for it. You might surprise yourself with change and find that you're not looking for him any more.
Author simplicity1 Posted March 12, 2014 Author Posted March 12, 2014 Thanks for your response. That sounds like a deep relationship and in your case space from one another makes all the more sense in allowing her to calm down and possibly reconsider. In my case, he's very ethical about things and I'm concerned he'll see an attempt on his side to rekindle things, even if he was feeling regret, as being unfair to me. This would be the reasoning behind me reaching out in the most casual way I can come up with (or that someone on this board can suggest). It would be me tapping on the door a little, giving him an opportunity to reach out if he's feeling differently. Of course, maybe this is me just clinging to false hope.
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