I need to find her.....should I?

[kcitsmoob]

Okay, so this is my first post on loveshack. I’ve been browsing through some of these posts, and everyone seems to have pretty good advice, so I thought I would give it a shot. This is a very long post, but I believe that in order to get good advice, I need to give details.

 

It all started a very long time ago. I had a dream once when I was young, probably around 9 or 10 years old. In this dream, I was lying on a bed in a room I was unfamiliar with, yet I was very calm. Almost like I was supposed to be there. Then, out of nowhere, this girl walks in front of the bed, looks at me and smiles. Then I woke up.

 

Fast forward a few years. I’m 17 now. I find myself lying in my girlfriend’s bed (I’ll call her Ashley). I get this weird feeling of déjà vu. Suddenly, Ashley walks in front of the bed, looks at me and smiles. Turns out that I had dreamt about this moment as a child. This was the girl of my dreams. This turned out to be the happiest moment of my life.

 

Ashley was my first for a lot of things. She was my first lover, she was my first true love. Although I could never understand (and to this day, still can’t) why this beautiful creature had any attraction to me, I knew that she loved me. Everything we did seemed so perfect….so easy.

 

Things were perfect until a year later, when we were caught making love by her parents. This was the cause of a lot of stress for the both of us. Her family was super religious, and I hated the thought of them knowing that I “defiled” their daughter. She was embarrassed and humiliated. Her parents kept us from seeing each other for a while, until they eventually let me see her at church. By this time, Ashley had already come to terms that her parents weren’t going to let us be the way we were before, and had become somewhat distant.

 

Although I loved Ashley with all my heart, and I knew she still loved me, I couldn’t help but feel lonely. I ended up meeting another girl at a friend’s house, and started spending a lot of time with her. Although nothing ever really happened between us, Ashley eventually found out that I had been hanging out with someone else, and broke up with me.

 

Over the course of the next several months, Ashley would forgive me and let me back into her life, and then for no apparent reason leave me again. By the fourth or fifth time she had left me, I had begun to lose touch with reality. I was diagnosed with depression and was on several medications, including one that is generally prescribed to schizophrenics. I became very jealous of any person who had any contact with Ashley. I eventually tried to commit suicide.

 

A while later, just days before Ashley was to leave for the Navy, I made one last attempt to get her back. I showed up at the restaurant she worked at, planning to ask her hand in marriage. Her response, “I’m sorry, but I can’t. Bear (a 15 year old boy she had known) already asked me and I said yes”, sent me flying over the edge. The sheer irrationality of her comment made my head spin. I looked up at her with tears in my eyes, and let the most hateful, spiteful thing I could think of slip past my lips:

 

“You’re lucky I haven’t killed you yet.”

 

I was promptly removed from the restaurant, knowing that I would probably never see her again. This turned out to be the lowest moment of my life.

 

That was seven years ago.

 

Turning the clock forward a little bit, I have been married to a wonderful woman for a year and a half now. The problem is, I’m still not happy. Although I love my wife very much, I can’t say that I am ‘in love’ with her. I feel that I’m missing something that I had with Ashley so long ago, and I can’t seem to get it back. Ever since things happened with Ashley, I haven’t been able to express my feelings and emotions to anyone, probably in fear of the rejection and heartbreak that coincided with the last time I expressed them.

 

I can’t help but feel that I have lost the one true love of my life. I have never had the same feelings for anyone like the feelings I had for Ashley, and I fear that I never will. Right now I want nothing more than to find Ashley and tell her that I’m sorry for everything that happened back then, that I’ve never been able to forgive myself for what I said. I want to tell her that while I know that we may no longer know each other, that she is the one person that I will never forget. I want to thank her for the time that we shared together, as they were the happiest times of my life. I’m afraid that I will never have this chance, and never have closure to that part of my life.

 

I don’t know what to do. I have seen her twice since that time in the restaurant, both several years apart. I was too shocked by the sight of her both times to say anything to her. I feel the need to track her down and contact her, but I don’t know anything about her anymore. I don’t know where she lives, and I’m pretty sure she’s been married and changed her last name. I don’t even know if I’m strong enough to talk to her, but I can’t help but think that if I don’t, that I will never get over her.

 

I have much more to say, and much more on my mind. Right now I'm too exhausted to write any more. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. Thanks.

[Bronzepen]

Well it's obvious you need some kind of closure but even before that, have you had anykind of counseling?

 

The death threat howevery hallow it was, was still a death threat.

 

You seem to have not come to terms with the whole Ashley situation. Have you talked about this, if you do go to counseling?

 

I would get counseling first.

 

If after counseling, with the advice of your psychiatrist, you feel you still need to apologize and thank Ashley then track her down and say what you have to say but then close that chapter in your life permanently.

 

Good Luck.

[kcitsmoob]

Thanks.

 

I went to counseling for a couple of years right after everything happened. I don't want to go to counseling now, because I would have to tell my wife about it, and I don't want to hurt her.

[savethedrama4allama]

Originally posted by kcitsmoob

I would have to tell my wife about it, and I don't want to hurt her.

 

So you're just going to contact this Ashley behind her back, and thats not hurting her? Please. Rather, you don't want to hurt her unless you've already found Ashley and are sure she reciprocates your feelings.

 

That is of course, assuming the point of finding her is to rekindle your love. If not that, what is the point?

 

You say that you arent happy with your wife. What does that have to do with this situation, unless you're thinking about being with Ashley instead?

 

Personally, I think its foolish to jeopardize a marriage (you must have loved this woman a lot at some point to marry her) for a highschool girlfriend.

[NiCoLe20]

i dont necessarily think you need counseling in this situation. however, its ur first true love that you want to reconcile with right? i think you should do waht you can to look her up. i dont know what you would do though b/c if she's married her name would be changed. there are plently of websites out there that will allow you to look up her name and see if she's living anywhere close to you. if you do get an address or a phone #, i think you should write her a letter... if u cant locate her thru the internet, try going to the highschool she graduated at and see if they have her current address in a file somewhere. i think wriiting a letter would be your best bet. i feel for you on this one.. i was in a relationship w/ this guy who i would consider my true love... i moved away to fl and when i moved he met someone new. then 2 yrs later i moved back to the town he lived in and tried to reconcile but it didnt work. i still c him around and he looks at me w/ this look like he still misses me and if it wasnt for his girl now, we'd b together. it sucks...well goodluck lol

[ion]

You will never love that way again.

 

It's impossible to get back the newness of every first time. She was your first love and first of many things. That happens in life once, not twice.

 

What does and can happen, is that you can love that deeply, that profoundly and that intensely again. You feel that much and maybe even more than before. It just won't be the same.

 

The problem so many of us have is that we want it to be exactly the same as the first time. We figure if it's not, than there is something wrong, it's not 'real'. Even worst, some of us we tear down what we experienced as not being 'real love' in the first place. The truth is it was what it was.

 

If you're looking to have a different final memory with this woman than you telling her "you would kill her", I would say that's understandable. Better would be non personal contact like a letter stating your intention and if she agreed, meeting in a public place. Or even finding out thru a mutual friend if she would be interested in talking with you at all.

 

If you want more than that, it will end badly for someone. Lives will be damaged.

 

Regardless, if you continue to wear blinders that all of the shine of live and love is only her, you're hurting yourself. There is more to life that the past and you need to figure out how to move on -inside-

 

Good luck!

[kcitsmoob]

I understand that I will never be able to get back what I once had with Ashley. I know that things just don't work out that way. I'm sure that both of us have changed considerably since the last time I saw her.

 

It would be nice though, wouldn't it?

 

I think my biggest problem right now is the fact that while all these feelings come and go, they seem to be creeping back into my life more often lately. I used to go months, even years without thinking of her, but for some reason I have been reminded of her every time I turn around now.

 

My wife knows the whole story behind me and Ashley, and (not surprisingly) she doesn't like Ashley very much, even though they have never met. I know that if I were to open up to my wife and tell her what's been bugging me for the past few weeks, she would be upset.

 

Thanks for all the advice.

[UpandDown]

that is THE saddest story i have ever heard...i sympathize for you with all my heart. i am in highschool now and i wish i could find true love...

[CarmenIbanez]

I know it sounds awful, but if you are not in love with your wife, please don't have children with her. You are still young. Go find your true love, find out what life has in store for you. Give your wife the chance to do the same.