Mommame2 Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Aside for infidelity, what kinds of things caused or led to your divorce? And have you ever had second thoughts about whether it was the right choice?
carhill Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Aside for infidelity, what kinds of things caused or led to your divorce? IMO, if I hadn't had an EA, we'd still have divorced but it would have been for a different 'reason'. Overall, based on our work in MC, lack of healthy communication and incompatible attachment styles would cover the major 'causes'. And have you ever had second thoughts about whether it was the right choice? Though I believe both my exW and I might have done things differently had there been a 'do over', at least her perspective based on a recent phone call from her after a close friend died, I really haven't had second thoughts since we made that decision and I had plenty of alone time since to ponder it. Good MC really clarified things. I think we're both living healthier lives as a result, each in our own way. Given the time of life we're both at, that's a great gift.
Copelandsanity Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 (edited) 1) Most of her closest friends were male. I had never thought of this as a red flag before, but now I do. 2) She was a fixer. She fixed people at work (medicine) and she would drop important things to fix problems for family and friends. When one of her long-time male friends wanted to commit suicide due to a break-up, she comforted him; she asked for my permission to and I allowed it. They ended up having an affair while she helped rehabilitate his life. She helped fix him with romantic love, and she did not regret the affair because she felt she changed his worldview for the better. 3) I'm introverted and shy, and I never connected well with her family and friends. It was one of the chief complaints expressed to me after D-day. She felt I wasn't trying hard enough and she couldn't understand why I was like that when other times I'm socially capable. My only defense was that I'd always been like this, I warned her about my shyness from the very beginning, so she knew about it going into the marriage. I think she thought I could change because I had the ability to be dynamic and charming personality - almost an entirely different person altogether - but I only showed it when I choose to. 4) I did not put in the same effort as a pursuer as I did when we first started dating. I did do other things: I cooked for her, did all of the chores, gave her massages after work, handled the finances, planned vacations, pleasured her when she wanted, gave her hugs and kisses. She would be the first to say that I was an excellent husband. The problem was that I felt like what I did was enough and I got complacent; I no longer did things to mentally stimulate her, like planning surprises, getting dressed up, having romantic dates, and ravishing her physically. I focused too much on being good to her and not maintaining her attraction for me. 5) No second thoughts. I used to be a huge romantic, and cheating was an absolute deal-breaker. I'm recovered now and doing fine, but I currently don't believe in marriage, relationships, romantic love right now. It depresses me sometimes that I think this way. I just hope one day it comes back to me. Edited March 12, 2014 by Copelandsanity
VeronicaRoss Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 It was in my 20s. He wouldn't grow up by doing anything meaningful to make his dreams come true when he had all the resources to do it, he started smoking dope big time, he stole from his employer. It didn't last long, I sure learned my lesson. I married him after dating for a few months, lots of romance and chemistry, everyone in my family loved him, my future FIL tried to warn me. Big mistake.
M30USA Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 What's funny is that both parties in a divorce never have the same version of what happened. 1
LadyLee Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Hmm what led to it? A number of things. Incompatibility! Lost of trust. Weak communication. Do I regret it? I regret what the children are going through but I don't regret escaping.... Lee
Silly_Girl Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 1. He became complacent, wouldn't strive in his training/job, didnt aspire in any way 2. I gave up smoking when we had our son, he refused to try 3. He wouldn't date me, wouldn't cultivate our relationship, he was loving and kind but wouldn't invest in the dynamic/the romance 4. I became excited and committed about further education, he was excited and committed about nothing 5. He didn't take my attempts to communicate about our relationship seriously 6. He was my best friend prior to any romantic activity, I think I never respected/appreciated him properly as a partner due to that earlier experience
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