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My boyfriend had a bad divorce and doesn't want to get married again, I do

shoppingdiva

By shoppingdiva
in Separation and Divorce

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shoppingdiva Member

shoppingdiva

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Honestly....I wasn't expecting that response from my post, the gist was don't be the stepping stone and respect yourself.

 

I've had a couple of IC's tell me that, after divorce, it's wiser for a woman to date many men (not sleep with them), just have a choice of men and not settle on the first man to come into your life. I think that is wise. I do not think it's wise to have a man on the side and be asking for a commitment of marriage from another who isn't willing to give it.

 

As it was brought up, the boyfriend is going after the same type of woman his ex was...but perhaps the OP is going after the same type of "men" too? When you live your life right, true to YOU, things fall together. Ultimately, don't be a stepping stone and don't step on the stone.

 

I have someone who is interested in me but it is purely platonic at this stage, there is no physical activity other than a kiss on the cheek. It is more of an emotional friendship that could turn into a relationship if I choose to go here, so I do have another option available to me. It has not turned into a relationship yet because I'm deciding what I'm going to do about my current boyfriend. Stay or go.

trippi1432 Established Member

trippi1432

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I have someone who is interested in me but it is purely platonic at this stage, there is no physical activity other than a kiss on the cheek. It is more of an emotional friendship that could turn into a relationship if I choose to go here, so I do have another option available to me. It has not turned into a relationship yet because I'm deciding what I'm going to do about my current boyfriend. Stay or go.

 

Understandable; however the writing is pretty much on the wall about the current boyfriend in my opinion. Never make yourself an "option" with someone who doesn't make you a priority. What you have there is Mr. Emotionally Unavailable.

 

On the other side here, ShoppingDiva, regardless of the relationship with the other guy being platonic or not, you should not have to be asking yourself should you leave the current relationship. The other guy shouldn't be your reason to break things off with your boyfriend, how you value and respect yourself is reason enough. Simply put, you and the boyfriend are not on the same page, do not have the same priorities, life goals....etc. Based on his history, how do you think anything would be any different with you? Do not lean on the platonic relationship to assess what you need. You have the capacity to meet all your needs by yourself. When you share a life with someone, it's because each value and respect what they have in each other. I don't think current boyfriend is there yet in his head nor is platonic boyfriend, but ShoppingDiva needs to be.

Trimmer Established Member

Trimmer

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I'm going to also disregard that she has "something" on the side ...that just doesn't sit well after reading her original concerns....

If it doesn't sit well with you, why disregard it? In a relationship that's a recipe for disaster.

 

So this thread took a real turn from where I thought it started. Maybe I didn't read carefully at the beginning, but I thought it was the story of a dedicated, divorced woman wanting to commit 100% to her divorced boyfriend, but he was hurt and broken by his divorce, and couldn't imagine getting married and going through all that again. Indeed, it's not far off that, but these two points kinda twisted my perceptions around:

I'm not stupid, I have someone else on the side that wants to give me the things he won't so I will probably have to make a move soon or at the very least tell him I can't have an exclusive relationship with him, that I have to keep my options open.

So she's not really dedicated to him as her one choice, he's just the best option of at least two. Hey, she's not stupid...

 

And then this:

Let me give you more detail about my boyfriend, his wife left him because he was cheating on her with 3 different women within a 22 month period.

So it's not that he's hurt by someone else's betrayal, but he's the perpetrator. I have to wonder if his "no marriage" plan is a sort of a way of protecting him from doing more harm - kinda like a murderer or a pedophile who can't control himself but who knows he needs to be stopped. It's not that he can't trust you to be in a marriage - he can't trust himself to be in a marriage.

 

So now I don't think it's just as simple as giving him a little more time to see if he comes around. Now I have to ask the question: given his professed lack of intention to get married or live together, plus his history of pathological poor behavior in his marriage, are you sure you would want to convince him?

 

How do I know he won't do the same thing to me if we start having problems? I mean he loved this woman to death, we've only been together a year so I not going to compare the love he had for her (10 years) vs what he has for me now, but if he could do that to his ex-wife, then what about me?

Indeed, I think these are very important questions to ask, and I don't think the probable answers are favorable. You say he "loved her to death", and yet he acted in the way he did. Yet you suppose that "over time as your love grows" he might change into a different person? If he could do what he did in his marriage after 10 years, to someone he claims to have loved deeply, just how big would your love have to "grow" to turn that around? Do you believe that's realistically possible?

 

I have someone who is interested in me but it is purely platonic at this stage, there is no physical activity other than a kiss on the cheek. It is more of an emotional friendship that could turn into a relationship if I choose to go here...

You may believe that to be "platonic" in physical fact (although even the kiss belies that...) but it's certainly not platonic in intention. Don't fool yourself.

Edited by Trimmer
pteromom Established Member

pteromom

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Let me give you more detail about my boyfriend, his wife left him because he was cheating on her with 3 different women within a 22 month period.

 

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. He didn't just cheat once and learn a lesson from it. He cheated three times. That's enough to count as a pattern.

 

Add to that the fact that he wants to maintain his independence and not get married and live together.

 

I would be shocked if he wasn't seeing someone else along with you.

 

You need to move on away from him. He's not going to marry you, and if he does, it is very likely he will cheat on you.

 

See what happens with Mr. On-the-side, and if your feelings don't grow for him, then move along to door #3.

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health Established Member

health

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I'm single, so I don't feel guilty in anyway seeing someone else who is very interested in marrying me and treats me very well. I want to commitment 100% to my boyfriend, but he is not giving me enough reasons to continue doing so and I ain't nobody fool. When we first met he was post divorced 29 months. It's been 3 years total to date.

 

I mean the man said he would not marry me or live with me. He said he doesn't want to get married or live with anybody, that he is better off just living alone because of his personality. He also stated he really did not want to get married but felt if he didn't marry his wife, he would lose her because he truly loved her and he knew she "needed to get married". Once he got into the commitment things started to fall apart and the marriage ended 22 months later when she filed for divorce. They knew each other and dated for ten years but soon as they got married the situation deteriorated pretty quickly. He wanted to stay married because he believed in following through on commitments, especially since his parents have been married for over 40 years, but the wife (and her young son from a previous relationship) couldn't live with him, she was done. I've observed in my dealing with him that he does have a very difficult personality and is not easy to get along with, but I've learned how to handle him in certain situations. I know he personally told me he felt like a failure when his marriage ended and that he doesn't believe in the institution anymore. I've often wondered how much of that thinking is a way for him to deal with the failed married and rejection by his ex or does he now really subscribe to that philosophy.

 

Back to the other guy, unfortunately, I'm not as in love with the person interested in marrying me as I'm with my current boyfriend. I feel if I could detach emotionally from my boyfriend I might be able to open up more with the other guy.

 

I don't feel like I'm rebound per say with my boyfriend, just that he needs more time to heal from the whole ordeal, plus I questioned him about his feelings for his ex-wife and he sworn up and down that he is not using me as therapy for his divorce and that he is in a good place and has gone through a lot of healing. However, I personally don't feel that he loves me as much as he says he does. The words are there but not all of the actions are there. Which makes me question his intentions constantly in my head and I have posed certain questions to him as well for reassurance, but I still ain't convinced.

 

With the other guy who is again, very interested in marrying me, his actions speak way louder than his words, he is very proactive about showing me he wants me in his life in every way. My boyfriend tells me these things but the follow-up and physical actions are spotty, inconsistent and lackluster at times; that translates in my mind that you don't really love me or want me like you say you do, on top of the fact that you made it a point to say you are not getting married again nor would you even consider living with me.

 

I found a letter he wrote to his wife right after the divorce and he was pouring his heart out and begging her to take him back, that she was the love of his life, his soulmate, etc. I felt like crap after I read that letter because he minimized to me how he really felt about her when we first met and talked about this situation, he acted like the divorce was mutual when that was the farthest thing from the truth or maybe I misinterpreted what he said. At any rate, I've tried to be patient and understanding but I think I should just move on as painful and heart wrenching as that would be for me. The other guy who very interested in me is not going to wait forever and I don't want him to think he is some Plan B. It sucks to feel like your someone's second choice.

 

Also, when I try to distance myself (which I have done a few times) from my boyfriend, so I can move on, he always comes looking for me. I guess No Contact needs to happen at this point. :(

 

You say your single - what does that mean to you? Is single anything but married?

Are you single but being intimate with your primary guy? If you don't feel guilty

seeing someone on the side and exchanging that emotional energy, you need to think

deeper and about the consequences - then you may realize it's wrong.

3 years is some time, but who knows. Him marrying his wife cause of fear of losing her

is a bad reason - and you know what? He probably feels the same way with you

- if he doesn't marry you he'll lose you - and his senses are right!

You already have one foot out the door with another guy. Healing means learning

and he didn't learn to love a woman who will accept him as is - unless you can

be that woman to him. You said she "needed to get married" just like you do! lol

The similarities here! Personally I would stay single for like 6 months if I were you

and re-evaluate things. Then find someone who is totally available! You deserve it!

Copelandsanity Established Member

Copelandsanity

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My advice: Don't marry your FWB ;)

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whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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I found a letter he wrote to his wife right after the divorce and he was pouring his heart out and begging her to take him back, that she was the love of his life, his soulmate, etc. I felt like crap after I read that letter because he minimized to me how he really felt about her when we first met and talked about this situation, he acted like the divorce was mutual when that was the farthest thing from the truth or maybe I misinterpreted what he said. At any rate, I've tried to be patient and understanding but I think I should just move on as painful and heart wrenching as that would be for me. The other guy who very interested in me is not going to wait forever and I don't want him to think he is some Plan B. It sucks to feel like your someone's second choice.

 

You need to end it and walk away from him. He isn't "in love" with you, soul mate and wanting to share a life with you. What he can offer is and will be casual and fun. He will care about you but not let you get too close. Men like him who completely opened themselves up to someone then have their hearts broken, won't let the next woman in so quickly, if at all.

 

Anyway, his marriage ending and how he felt about his wife is/was his personal and private business, he has a right not to share his deepest pain with you or anybody. Reading a private letter (did you tell him you read it?) was a total invasion of his privacy. Now too, you're hurting after reading that letter because he never opened up to you about it, he minimized it and closed the door.

 

Maybe being on your own for a bit might help, having another guy waiting in the wings (does your bf know about the guy?) for you, isn't right either.

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aussietigerwolf Established Member

aussietigerwolf

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I'm confused here... You say you're single but then you say he's your boyfriend... Which one is it?

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shoppingdiva Member

shoppingdiva

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And then this:

 

So it's not that he's hurt by someone else's betrayal, but he's the perpetrator. I have to wonder if his "no marriage" plan is a sort of a way of protecting him from doing more harm - kinda like a murderer or a pedophile who can't control himself but who knows he needs to be stopped. It's not that he can't trust you to be in a marriage - he can't trust himself to be in a marriage.

 

So now I don't think it's just as simple as giving him a little more time to see if he comes around. Now I have to ask the question: given his professed lack of intention to get married or live together, plus his history of pathological poor behavior in his marriage, are you sure you would want to convince him?

 

Well, it's complicated. There were a lot of reasons he detailed in his letter for the infidelity such as

Edited by shoppingdiva
Trimmer Established Member

Trimmer

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Well, it's complicated. There were a lot of reasons he detailed in his letter for the infidelity such as

Uh.... now I'm kinda dying to know. Did she get abducted by aliens just as she was about to type his reasons?

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shoppingdiva Member

shoppingdiva

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Uh.... now I'm kinda dying to know. Did she get abducted by aliens just as she was about to type his reasons?

 

There was a lot that was said in that letter but I don't want to list them here, I can PM you. How can I send you a private message?

Edited by shoppingdiva
trippi1432 Established Member

trippi1432

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You have to be a member or have so many posts after 30 or 60 days I think, but you shouldn't have to PM his validations of why he was unfaithful. This is an open forum....how many of those reasons are you worried about he will see in you to also be unfaithful since he won't commit to marriage or even living with you?

 

You don't need B plan nor do you need a half commitment...I wouldn't even consider anything of what A plan is offering.

 

I have a friend, she is very independent and can take care of herself....but when it comes to men, she becomes this gnashing Kling-on of a girlfriend. What you have been doing wrong is thinking that either of these men can complete you. That starts with you.

 

Back to your original post...what are you asking here. Why you should stay or why you should go?

Trimmer Established Member

Trimmer

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There was a lot that was said in that letter but I don't want to list them here, I can PM you. How can I send you a private message?

Yeah, you need both posts and time as a member before they can be enabled on your end. But I'm not really interested for myself, so if you can't post them on the forum (anonymously...) to contribute to the discussion of your situation, then there's no real purpose in passing them on via PM.

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shoppingdiva Member

shoppingdiva

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Well, I'm in No Contact mode.

 

I've decided to break it off. He's been texting and calling a lot, but I've been ignoring everything. It really tearing me up to do this because I still love this man, it wasn't all bad or else I would have left a long time ago, but I'm just not getting what I want and feel I deserve in the relationship and he's not going to change.

 

If I was that girl to him, I would not have had to ask for the love and attention I need, I would have gotten that out the gate. He does not see me a long-term life partner or marriage material and that's something I can't live with.

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trippi1432 Established Member

trippi1432

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If I was that girl to him, I would not have had to ask for the love and attention I need, I would have gotten that out the gate. He does not see me a long-term life partner or marriage material and that's something I can't live with.

 

Now ShoppingDiva - I want to point this out in bold above because that is the truth, it's also YOUR truth and about how you want to be treated. Never accept less from a man that's not capable. If you come back here in a few days or a week or a month and tell us Mr. Silver Tongue Serial Cheat-on-His-Wife is back in your life...well, first..I'm going to be :sick::sick::sick: Then I'm going to be :mad::mad::mad: and throw this above back at you.

 

Dating after divorce is never easy, but you really need to assess the TOTAL package and not settle for less than you deserve. That goes for platonic plan B too.

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shoppingdiva Member

shoppingdiva

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I know I value myself and that's why I've been unhappy. I want to make sure the people that I'm with values me as well.

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