LostMother Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 My ex and I have been divorced about 3 years now. From which was a 17 years marriage. I knew I wanted marry that man since I was a little girl, I loved him so much we both shared a wonderful life together. We traveled the word together with our children. Many people saw us as the prefect couple the picture perfect marriage and family. Anyways, I ended up meeting a man and of course I did the unthinkable. My Affair I hurt my Ex an unbelievable amount, never thought I would do something like that. I still don’t know why I done it. I have asked myself same question for years. My Ex would find out and decided to leave me. I have felt so horrible for what I did and I still do. Truly discovering that I still love him the same way today as the day when I meet him years ago. We stared a secret sexual relationship 1 year after the divorce and we continued it for two years. I was fine with the way we were. I have always told myself having him part time was better than not having him at all. I reach a point where I need more and he was not willing to give me more. I decided to end the relationship we had for the amount of pain it was causing me. It has been more than 2 months since I last seen him or talked to him. The pain and agony is still here. I am truly sick of being this way I think of him every day, and it’s a nonstop, obsessive I believe. I would spend the rest of my life making up for hurting him if I could. But I can’t live this way anymore. I know I have to move on, but I can’t accept it I still hold hope one day we will be together, I don’t how to let him go. I would so love to have our family back together don’t understand that why after 3years why I can’t let him go. Why would he even want to have sex with me if he’s done with me, especially knowing how I feel about him? I wish I could rewind my life about 3 years. I love this man so much and just need help with figuring out why I can’t move on past him. I want to be happy again not just content 1
clairbear Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Sounds like u have a lot of healing to go, u need to own what u did, take responsibility for it actions and then forgive urslf and move forward. Your behaved badly but this does not make you a bad person. It sounds like you have paid the price fir it actions 10 times over. Please be gentle with urself x
drifter777 Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 First, he had sex with you after your divorce because men want sex. Especially from a woman who is happy to just be there to service him without any strings attached. Buried deep in his mind he might have been using you like a whore to punish you for what you did to him. Anyway, it wasn't love. And if you really, truly think about it this "friends with benefits" relationship wasn't all that fulfilling for you, was it? You are hurting and most of us know exactly how you feel. The woman I thought was the love of my life dumped me years ago and I nearly died. I felt everything you have described and believed it would never change. Here is the only thing that helped me get past that horrible pain: NO CONTACT! As long as I kept calling her and writing her love-letters and finding a way to see her and talk with her I was miserable beyond belief. After a couple months I tried to harden my heart toward her and vowed to stay away from any contact with her. I did this to save my life and, once I started to feel more alive, I did it for my own sanity and self-esteem. The best thing you can do for yourself is begin a no-contact policy and find a counselor. It will be painful and will take a while to work through this but get tough with yourself and start doing something that will help you feel better. 1
gettingstronger Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 I agree, you need to not have sex with this man. I have no idea what he wants or gets out of it, but it prolongs your healing and for your own good you must stop. Good luck, it's a long slow process but it starts with putting you first.
Spark1111 Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 I have to ask..... Is he aware how sorry you are? how you regret your actions? How you would do anything to be a married couple again? be a family again? YOU have told him all this, Yes? What does he say? What is his current situation? he has frequent sex with you, but is he currently committed elsewhere? Does he want a future with you 2
harrybrown Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I agree with some of these posts. Have you told him how you feel? Have you asked him if he is over your cheating, or is he one that can't move past it? Did you confess to him of were you caught? If you could find out why you cheated, and told him why would that help him? Does he still feel like he was your backup plan? I do hope you try to find some of these answers and share the answers with your ex. It may help him to know why. It may help his shattered self-esteem to find out how you really feel. Have you had counseling with a counselor and now have better boundaries so that he would not be as worried about you cheating and hurting him again? If you have, I do hope you share this information. If you can't figure it out, start the 180 and cut him out of your life. He may never get over the betrayal. Hopefully you do not lie to him to have your affair, and hopefully you have shared a timeline of the affair with him so that he did not have to face the dreaded trickle truth. I do hope you find happiness, but having an affair really throws a bomb on a relationship. Is the OM still in the picture? Maybe your ex can not get past the OM and all the pain. If you can help him with the pain, that would be a wonderful gesture on your part.
Hope Shimmers Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Wow... I am so sorry for your pain. I don't have any wise words, except I agree that you need to cut off the sex (actually I think that's common after a divorce; happened in my case too). You should do what you can to get your relationship back with your ex-H if there is any chance at all that it might happen. Wish everyone could read this before they make the choice to start an A. 1
jnel921 Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Don't sleep with him. A man who really wants you will come back. He is probably having his fun now and is screwing everything in site. I agree with the others no contact. You cheated, he left, and you should have kept it at that.
Clay Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I am sorry you are suffering. It does sound like you are remorseful for your actions. Sadly some times people just cant forgive such a betrayal. I know you hurt but imagine how much pain he must have felt knowing you gave your special love and affection to someone else when you promised to be only his. He is probably still in pain. I think the others are right the only way you are going to heal is to stay completely away from him. Its best you move on and he does the same thing. I know you want deeply to fix what you have done wrong but it sounds like that just will not work out for you. I think you should focus on trying to heal you. I hope you have friends and family that can help you. You need time for dealing with you. Clay
Author LostMother Posted March 12, 2014 Author Posted March 12, 2014 I have to ask..... Is he aware how sorry you are? how you regret your actions? How you would do anything to be a married couple again? be a family again? YOU have told him all this, Yes? What does he say? What is his current situation? he has frequent sex with you, but is he currently committed elsewhere? Does he want a future with you He know very well how much I regret the choices I made that day. It’s the biggest regret I have. I’ve told him countless times how sorry I am for hurting him the way I did. I’ve begged and plead with him to find a way to forgive me and I would do anything he asks of me. We haven’t seen or talked to each other in two months. The last time we had sex was in December. Last I heard he was still single Sadly I don’t believe he wants a future with me
Author LostMother Posted March 12, 2014 Author Posted March 12, 2014 First, he had sex with you after your divorce because men want sex. Especially from a woman who is happy to just be there to service him without any strings attached. Buried deep in his mind he might have been using you like a whore to punish you for what you did to him. Anyway, it wasn't love. And if you really, truly think about it this "friends with benefits" relationship wasn't all that fulfilling for you, was it? I was the one who pushed to have this kind of relationship. He was very against and adamant about staring this kind of relationship. I thought with time we would be able to build from this into a committed relationship. He never used me as his whore he always treated me with respect and always tried to make the trips romantic and fun for the both of us. A few time we would have sex during those meetings we both emotionally invested. You are hurting and most of us know exactly how you feel. The woman I thought was the love of my life dumped me years ago and I nearly died. I felt everything you have described and believed it would never change. Here is the only thing that helped me get past that horrible pain: NO CONTACT! As long as I kept calling her and writing her love-letters and finding a way to see her and talk with her I was miserable beyond belief. After a couple months I tried to harden my heart toward her and vowed to stay away from any contact with her. I did this to save my life and, once I started to feel more alive, I did it for my own sanity and self-esteem. The best thing you can do for yourself is begin a no-contact policy and find a counselor. It will be painful and will take a while to work through this but get tough with yourself and start doing something that will help you feel better. I have maintained NC for the last two months and it will most likely to be that way its hurt me a great deal not being able to see or speak to him at all but it’s what is need now. I have gone to counseling regularly for the last three years. My counselor was very against the meeting with my ex she knew from the very start it would not end well I didn’t want to believe it. 1
Author LostMother Posted March 12, 2014 Author Posted March 12, 2014 I agree with some of these posts. Have you told him how you feel? Yes he knows Have you asked him if he is over your cheating, or is he one that can't move past it? Did you confess to him of were you caught? I don’t believe any BS will ever get over such betray, however I do believe he has forgiven me to an extent. I did not confess, My AP wife found the emails I shared with her husband and exposed the both of us. If you could find out why you cheated, and told him why would that help him? Does he still feel like he was your backup plan? Their many reason why I believed I cheated none of them satisfy me I refused to b believe something as simple as lust is what lead my lead to such horrible choices. My ex was never a backup plan I was only intimate once and I cut any means I had to him so after. I never had any ideas of leaving my then husband is was never in the cards. I do hope you try to find some of these answers and share the answers with your ex. It may help him to know why. It may help his shattered self-esteem to find out how you really feel. Have you had counseling with a counselor and now have better boundaries so that he would not be as worried about you cheating and hurting him again? If you have, I do hope you share this information. If you can't figure it out, start the 180 and cut him out of your life. He may never get over the betrayal. Hopefully you do not lie to him to have your affair, and hopefully you have shared a timeline of the affair with him so that he did not have to face the dreaded trickle truth. I do hope you find happiness, but having an affair really throws a bomb on a relationship. Is the OM still in the picture? Maybe your ex can not get past the OM and all the pain. If you can help him with the pain, that would be a wonderful gesture on your part. The other man is not in the picture The other man is not in the picture
Fluttershy Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Lust is more powerful than many like to admit. It has destroyed powerful people. Sometimes we skip over it. Yes lust, and making the wrong choice is all it takes. It can be like a person who never gives in to peer pressure and then that one time they do and they end up dead. It only takes one time. Sometimes I think people try to over complicate things and other times they try to simplify them. Each answer is different. For you, you felt lust and chose to give in. Because at the time it was enough. May look to simple but it can be was it is.
harrybrown Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Sorry it turned out this way. I guess your counselor was right. good that the OM is not in the picture. I hope that the 180 does help you and I hope that your ex also finds some peace. Being a BS is devastating for some time.
Author LostMother Posted April 15, 2014 Author Posted April 15, 2014 After 3 months of NC I stared talking to my ex again. I was the one to reach out to him. After talking I agreed to meet him Friday and we will most likely going to spend the weekend together. I am feeling kind pathetic. I swore and promised myself I wouldn’t continue this relationship with my ex again and I have done that exact opposite. I really wanted to break this cycle and focus on moving on. I can’t let him ago don’t know if I will ever be.
BetrayedH Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 After 3 months of NC I stared talking to my ex again. I was the one to reach out to him. After talking I agreed to meet him Friday and we will most likely going to spend the weekend together. I am feeling kind pathetic. I swore and promised myself I wouldn’t continue this relationship with my ex again and I have done that exact opposite. I really wanted to break this cycle and focus on moving on. I can’t let him ago don’t know if I will ever be. I just wanted to express my sympathies to you. I always hope for couples to reconcile after infidelity if the wayward spouse is truly remorseful. I can't help but hope that your efforts with your ex are successful. That said, if he can never respect you, forgive you, or make more of the relationship than just friends-with-benefits, then I hope you find a way to move on with your life and make the best of it. Good luck.
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