Breaking Up and Mental Illness

[Sir.Laughs.Alot]

I want to begin with this statement: I have been dating and girl for 3 years who has mental health problems. She has been diagnosed with depression but I am somewhat sure she has Borderline Personality Disorder. Please keep this in mind when you read below.

 

Ok so here is what is going on:

 

About a week ago she suggested breaking up for the 30th time in our relationship. I knew it was coming in a way. She had been distant, one word answers, easily irritable, and the sex non-existent. She had been spending every waking minute with friends. I had been questioning her on all this. In fact, this all came from me trying to focus on her lack of effort in the relationship.

 

Her reasoning for wanting to breakup: I asked too many nosy questions, had a problem with her seeing her friends and I pressure her to much for sex. Now these statements were not quite true. However, she had been trying to spend as little time with me as possible. Seeing friends as much as possible, not communicating any plans, intentions, or talking to me much, and the minute I questioned any of this or bring up sex (despite the extreme lack of) it’s my fault. Of course, I’m no stranger to breakup excuses. They don’t need to make sense.

 

This has happened in the past, although not as bad. She pretends in a couple of days that everything is fine, as long as I don’t bring up sex, or have a problem with her lack of effort she puts into the relationship. As in the past, she often seems to punish me, even though she has been the one who has been missing in the relationship. She will not return to my house for days (we live separately, but because she lives with parents, she spends all her nights at mine). I can guarantee if I am a good boy, she will be sick of her friends in about a week and pretend nothing happened, and eventually return to the loving girlfriend again. She will see her friends on a normal level and take more interest in me, Just as long as I never bring up a problem.

 

However, the relationship is not 50/50, but rather 90/10. I do all the work. She does not like me bringing up problems. In fact everytime I have brought up a problem she has talked of breakup and run away. Until I care more about the fact she is gone than the problem itself. Then she is all happy again. She cannot communicate. Rather she just gets instantly angry the minute you bring up any issue. As a result we have never solved one problem our entire relationship. She said it herself. She deals with problems by forgetting them. She has admitted that she does not put in the same effort that I do into the relationship. She also struggles with problems of image, she needs constant validation and reassurance, whether that be me, a friend or random creepers on Facebook.

The Intimacy is all gone. I cannot even show that I’m in the mood or kiss her more than a peck. That’s pressure for sex and she says I can’t show that I want it. If I do, she doesn’t want it for days or weeks. So, I only have sex every few weeks, if she feels like it, isn’t tired, didn’t eat too much… etc etc.

 

So back to the mental illness. I hope you have all kept this in mind. The lack of effort, the selfishness, the lack of sex can all be tied to her mental illness. She cannot deal with any problem in life. She cannot communicate her problems nor can she communicate to me. I went with her once to the psychiatrist and just watched her cry because she couldn’t express herself when asked how she felt. She gets insanely angry at me over anything. The police came once because she was screaming so loud at me, they thought I was hurting her. In reality, I was just taking it after some fight disagreement about nothing. I walk on egg shells, making sure (especially in public) to never disagree with her. She will just walk off until she can calm herself down.

 

Saying all this, she has a lot going for her. She is at least a 9/10 and she can be loving and affectionate and she is aware of her own faults. She just doesn’t know how to fix them or control them. She presents a false self to her world and her friends, only I see the real beast. When she calms down after she disappears, she apologises like the Bruce Banner after he becomes the Hulk. I have watched her cry so many times because of her mental illness. In a way, I don’t expect her to put the same effort in to the relationship because she has so much need to focus on herself. Still I believe that even if she had years to look inwards, she would never be able to have a successful relationship. In a way, I feel like if I left her she would never find someone as accepting as me.

 

Tonight, I made the mistake of touching her in a way that suggested I wanted sex. She got mad, suggested breaking up again and went home. She won’t talk to me for days and then pretend nothing happened. I’m not even worried or sad she is gone right now. Truth be told, I don’t miss her, I love her and part of me says I should help her, stick by her. But the other says I would be more content in life with a happier girl, who put as much effort into me as I did her. I often feel disrespected and unloved.

 

I just don’t know who I’m in love with. At times (sometimes even hours after an episode) I feel like she loves me more than anyone else could, because I stuck by her…. Because I remained calm and strong like a rock. It’s then the real her comes out… Bruce Banner comes back….

[ScaredAlien2]

My ex did this....to a T. It was a total one sided relationship.

 

Everything was my fault. I look back now and it was a manipulation technique...Keep me chasing her (while she was out sleeping around). For me it was worth sticking it out and trying to get my ex to communicate because I loved the good times. It blinded me and now I have been blind sided with her cheating on me. All those bad feelings I repressed because I didn't want to "stress her out to much" were true feelings and were right all along.

 

You know what you need to do, your not happy, it affects your confidence (at least it did mine, why wouldn't she want sex?). I'm not trying to be the bad guy, cause my problems are still very fresh, but just be careful. Basically, stick up for your needs and trust your gut!

[KaliLove]

This is my ex as well. I still see him occasionally but we're mostly done. I do still love him but I'm not in love with him anymore and I don't have any delusions of us ending up together. I honestly don't think he'll end up with anyone.

 

Breaking up with a BPD/NPD (my ex is a combination of both) is very difficult. When they're on, they're very very on and they are amazing. But the bad stuff comes out more and more as the relationship progresses and you end up miserable, lonely, and completely without any self confidence at all. They manipulate you and take advantage of you.

 

Be warned..as long as you continue to let them, they will always come back. YOU have to be the one who is strong enough to walk away..and you know you have to. BPD people are incapable of being in normal relationships unless they're in treatment specifically for BPD and it sounds like she's not.

 

My ex has also been diagnosed with depression, and he has sometimes crippling anxiety as well..he's on 6 different psychotropic medications for depression and anxiety..and yet, he doesn't think he needs actual therapy.

 

You can't help them. They have to do it themselves, and most of them won't. Also, BPD and NPD are hereditary, so if you have kids, there's a chance they will inherit her illness. I wouldn't wish that on anybody, the parents who have to care for the BPD kid, or the kid.