Found boyfriend's old sex tape of him and ex

[Keenly]

Wow are you serious? An achievement? I think you're being sarcastic because no one in their right mind would agree with you that a sex tape is a huge accomplishment. How many do you have stashed away of your own sex tapes?

 

Just because you do not operate that way, doesn't people " aren't in their right kind " when they do. Its extremely arrogant to insist that because you feel a certain way about something that everyone MUST share your opinion or there is something wrong with them.

 

If I had a sex tape, I'd keep it. Just because I had it. Because it was ME, and because it was mine.

[writergal]

Just because you do not operate that way, doesn't people " aren't in their right kind " when they do. Its extremely arrogant to insist that because you feel a certain way about something that everyone MUST share your opinion or there is something wrong with them.

 

If I had a sex tape, I'd keep it. Just because I had it. Because it was ME, and because it was mine.

 

The poster compared a sex tape to sky diving as an accomplishment. Sky diving is a true accomplishment because it's respectable. It's my opinion that I'm entitled to as you are to yours.

 

So it's my opinion that only people who make sex tapes view them as accomplishments. And I think that is misogynist. A man who truly respects a woman would not film her having sex with him. And I do not have issues with men...well, only the ones who make sex tapes and hold those up as accomplishments. I think sex tapes are disgusting and I think the OP has every right to ask her boyfriend to delete the one he made with his ex-girlfriend who is STILL in the picture as his friend. If the OP's boyfriend had nothing to hide, he would have told her about the sex tape. There's no trust in this relationship if he kept it secret. Men do NOT forget about the sex tapes they make and to claim that the OP's boyfriend forgot about it is ridiculous.

[pteromom]

If I had a sex tape, I'd keep it. Just because I had it. Because it was ME, and because it was mine.

 

Me too. Would have nothing to do with the other person in it or my feelings for them. But someday, I might like to look back at how hot I was.

 

OP, unless you have other reason to be suspicious of your bf's relationship with his ex, I would work hard on letting this go. It will be difficult at first, especially if you see his ex. Over time, it will get easier.

 

I do not believe people have to get rid of all evidence of past relationships every time they enter a new one. But they should do a better job hiding that evidence so as not to hurt their partner.

[writergal]

Me too. Would have nothing to do with the other person in it or my feelings for them. But someday, I might like to look back at how hot I was.

 

OP, unless you have other reason to be suspicious of your bf's relationship with his ex, I would work hard on letting this go. It will be difficult at first, especially if you see his ex. Over time, it will get easier.

 

I do not believe people have to get rid of all evidence of past relationships every time they enter a new one. But they should do a better job hiding that evidence so as not to hurt their partner.

 

Are you serious? Suggesting to the OP that people should hide evidence of past relationships better? Clearly you've never been in a healthy relationship if that's what you really believe. Could your advice be any worse???

 

I think the OP has every right to be upset. Her boyfriend hid a sex tape with an ex from her. That is not like hiding a photo of an ex.

 

Some of the advice on this thread is utterly ridiculous. OP, do what you think is best for yourself and for the relationship.

[writergal]

lol. That's an adorable line of reasoning!

 

 

 

First off, I think people who jump out of planes are stupid. They get zero respect from me for their "thrill seeking", I think it's dumb and pokes Darwin's Law in the face.

 

Secondly, stop using the word misogynist because it's not applicable here. Your conjectures are completely ignoring important aspects like: "what if a woman wants to make one?", "what if they both agreed it would be fun?", "what if they're married for the long haul and want something fun to look back on when they're older?" Instead, you're attaching your idea of what's socially acceptable to what people do in the bedroom, which is something I have always hated something fierce. Two people want to go do something, they can, so long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. You've twisted this around like all sex tapes are snuff films. And this is coming from someone who would advise anyone against making them, for entirely different reasons.

 

Thirdly, there is absolutely trust in this relationship. Just because the dude has the video doesn't mean he's going to act on it, cheat on her, leave her or whatever the heck it is you're worried he's going to do. He could have forgotten it, which is likely given his reaction, or maybe he knew it was there but just figured they'd talk about it when it came up.

 

Either way, I want to point out that people who react like you do right off the bat, with zero warning, is why this kind of shlt gets hidden. So a guy wants to keep his old fap folder around, or has some stupid tape he doesn't even watch anymore but keeps it out of novelty. If his choice was to mention it and have his girlfriend explode and tell him there was no trust in the relationship and he clearly loved another woman and he was a disgusting misogynist and he'd better delete it and delete it now...or to put it somewhere and handle it when it came up? Guess which one would likely get picked.

 

And yet if the OP's boyfriend had told her about it without her finding it by accident, well, she wouldn't have posted here now would she???

 

He's a jerk for hiding it from her. Plain and simple. He deserves any wrath she gives him. He also laughed at her when she brought it up. THAT is a disrespectful way to react from a boyfriend who is supposed to love the OP. The proper reaction from the OP's boyfriend would have been for him to man up, apologize for not telling her about the sex tape to begin with and then delete it as a sign of trust. There's no reason for him to keep it. It's not a sports trophy, or distinguished work trophy or academic trophy. It's a sex tape with an ex.

 

The fact that he discounted the OP's feelings by laughing at her shows he doesn't really respect the OP's feelings and why the OP said she felt gutted...or didn't you read the OP's first post? Her issues is the horrible way her boyfriend treated her when she told him that she found his sex tape. He was a weasel to her the way he tried to blow it off.

[mitchell]

How long was this movie and how much of it did you watch?

[pteromom]

Are you serious? Suggesting to the OP that people should hide evidence of past relationships better?

 

What I mean is if someone has love letters, photos, jewelry, etc from past relationships, it should be put away in a box somewhere on a back shelf, not put in a folder that their partner frequents.

 

I think the OP has every right to be upset. Her boyfriend hid a sex tape with an ex from her. That is not like hiding a photo of an ex.

 

Sure, she has a right to be upset. What she saw was probably upsetting. Now she has to try to get that image out of her head. But I don't believe he actually HID the recording from her. He likely forgot it was there.

[pteromom]

Could your advice be any worse???

 

Perhaps. I'll try harder next time.

 

[iris219]

If my SO had the nerve and the stupidity to allow me access to his homemade computer porn, I would have deleted that s--t.

[WLFL]

So what's happened with the OP? Did you talk to him about it again? What has happened on that front?

 

I can see why it would bother you. It would bother me too and it would make me take a good long look at their friendship with each other. How much do they hang out? How does he act when he is around her. Do they spend time alone together? How long have you two been dating each other? Does he keep his conversations with her private from you?

 

 

1. They hang out often through mutual friends.

2. He acts very normally around her. Nice and pleasant, but no obvious body language.

3.Yes they spend time alone together, but I always know about it. He tells me when he's meeting her.

4. We've been dating 5 months, relatively early days. He's already given me the keys to his apartment, however, which is certainly a first for me.

5. No, he keeps no conversation with her private from me. If she calls or texts, he'll always take it and reply in front of me.

 

 

 

UPDATE: He's actually suggested making one with me now. I don't know whether to be ecstatic or more confused.

[Trimmer]

I have no issues with pasts. I do when the past is still in the present, which it is, considering I have to see this girl.

The girl would be in his present either way.

Their sex life would be in the past either way.

The image of their sex life is the only thing that's now different, and "in your present", and you control how you react to that.

 

I can understand your discomfort (I would probably feel a similar distress), but I think you got off in the wrong direction by not communicating that to your BF somehow. If you let him laugh it off, if you participated in letting it go, you effectively approved the outcome. It seems that now you are expecting (certainly other posters are expecting) him to read your mind and "do the right thing", that is, the thing he should be reading your mind to know to do, in spite of the overt behavior you communicated with him.

 

A big part of your solving this problem, if you can't get past it on your own, will be clearly communicating to him how you feel about it.

 

Maybe her bf thinks its no big deal, but to her it is. Does this make her insecure? No it doesnt. She just doesn't agree with certain things, and she has every right to voice that she doesn't agree with them.

Absolutely, and I think if that's the case, she should voice that. But she shouldn't expect him to read her mind, in spite of her having let it go earlier.

 

The poster compared a sex tape to sky diving as an accomplishment. Sky diving is a true accomplishment because it's respectable.

But sex is dirty and wrong, and not respectable.

 

It's my opinion that I'm entitled to as you are to yours.

Fair enough!

 

People who accuse you of being insecure or snooping are just being misogynists....

 

So it's my opinion that only people who make sex tapes view them as accomplishments. And I think that is misogynist.

"I don't think that word means what you think it means..." (Inigo Montoya)

 

 

He's a jerk for hiding it from her. Plain and simple.

Hiding it from her? Plain and simple? It was on his computer, which - by her own very clearly stated account - she had permission to use, browse, and apparently open files upon. And so he's hiding it from her?

 

He also laughed at her when she brought it up.

An assertion already quite clearly discredited by Skuds above.

 

Her issues is the horrible way her boyfriend treated her when she told him that she found his sex tape. He was a weasel to her the way he tried to blow it off.

Actually, that's pretty clearly not her issue. I think that makes you a misogynist.

Edited March 12, 2014 by Trimmer

[Emilia]

If my SO had the nerve and the stupidity to allow me access to his homemade computer porn, I would have deleted that s--t.

Haha kind of agree.

 

Never ever share computers, phones, etc. Just a whole can of worms. I was chatting with someone the other day I used to date and he had Outlook open on his screen because he was going to show something to me. I waited until he pulled up the actual email before I looked. I didn't want to see who sends him what.

 

Privacy is best respected, none of this would happen in that case.

[isisisweeping]

I don't think it means anything at all or that you have to be worried.

 

I do think you have a right to ask him to remove it. Any naughty photos or videos from an old relationship or whatever should probably be removed when it's over. He might not have thought of that and it's not wrong he didn't but he should be willing anyways upon request.

[StanMusial]

UPDATE: He's actually suggested making one with me now. I don't know whether to be ecstatic or more confused.

 

Pervy McPerverston

[isisisweeping]

First off, I think people who jump out of planes are stupid. They get zero respect from me for their "thrill seeking", I think it's dumb and pokes Darwin's Law in the face.

 

.

 

(Off topic) statistically you're way safer skydiving than you are driving to the drop zone. accidents are very rare and the ones that happen tend to be more experimental not tried and true equipment and locations, tandem skydiving in my state for example has not has a death in the last thirty years with sooo many people who have done it. Cars on the other hand, every year...

[WLFL]

Okay well I've read all of your replies, had a good long think and I've concluded this:

 

 

All the people telling me to forget it, focus on the present and how it means nothing in the grand scheme of things sound like emotionally healthy, rational people. All those telling me the opposite (he's a cheater, he's a misogynist, he still loves her, I would have deleted it, etc...) sound, well, a bit insane.

 

 

I'm not insane. Insecure to a point like many, but not insane.

So I'm going to focus on the way he treats me, what he does for me and all the very good things he is and does and forget the stupid video.

 

 

Thank you all.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

1. They hang out often through mutual friends.

2. He acts very normally around her. Nice and pleasant, but no obvious body language.

3.Yes they spend time alone together, but I always know about it. He tells me when he's meeting her.

4. We've been dating 5 months, relatively early days. He's already given me the keys to his apartment, however, which is certainly a first for me.

5. No, he keeps no conversation with her private from me. If she calls or texts, he'll always take it and reply in front of me.

 

 

 

UPDATE: He's actually suggested making one with me now. I don't know whether to be ecstatic or more confused.

 

 

 

sorry, this all sounds weird to me.

 

 

i commend you for not being the ultra-jealous type, but i could never see my girlfriend being ok with me doing that.

[WLFL]

sorry, this all sounds weird to me.

 

 

i commend you for not being the ultra-jealous type, but i could never see my girlfriend being ok with me doing that.

 

 

 

Really? That's a shame. I'm very good friends with one of my own exes. We spend plenty of time alone together. And he is not and will never be a threat to any partner I have. We haven't loved each other for years, there is not one hint of sexual attraction between us.

That's what makes it so easy for us to be friends.

Edited March 12, 2014 by WLFL

[pteromom]

So I'm going to focus on the way he treats me, what he does for me and all the very good things he is and does and forget the stupid video.

 

 

This is great, and you are doing the right thing. It will take a little time for those images you saw to stop coming up, but they will. What you focus on becomes your reality. If you just make your brain change the subject when those images pop up, eventually they will stop.

 

Don't make a sex recording with him. Hopefully your relationship works out, but if it doesn't, you know he'll have the recording forever.

 

It's never a good idea to try to control someone else (forcing them to delete their files, for example.) If he wants to delete it to show you it doesn't mean anything to him, great. But if not, no biggie either. It's obviously not something he watches, or he would have known it was there and moved it since you use that folder.

[Hello_is_it_me]

1. They hang out often through mutual friends.

2. He acts very normally around her. Nice and pleasant, but no obvious body language.

3.Yes they spend time alone together, but I always know about it. He tells me when he's meeting her.

4. We've been dating 5 months, relatively early days. He's already given me the keys to his apartment, however, which is certainly a first for me.

5. No, he keeps no conversation with her private from me. If she calls or texts, he'll always take it and reply in front of me.

 

 

 

UPDATE: He's actually suggested making one with me now. I don't know whether to be ecstatic or more confused.

 

Personally I wouldn't be comfortable with him staying in contact with her, but to each his own. Now the making a sex tape with you thing lol... Either he's trying to apologize in a weird, twisted way by saying "it's not some special thing I have with just her and I'll do this act with you.." or.. he's just a freak and wants to add another "trophy" to his collection )

[Hello_is_it_me]

Really? That's a shame. I'm very good friends with one of my own exes. We spend plenty of time alone together. And he is not and will never be a threat to any partner I have. We haven't loved each other for years, there is not one hint of sexual attraction between us.

That's what makes it so easy for us to be friends.

 

I guess some people are just wired differently. I don't know how I could hang out with my exes and not want to bang them. But really.. Spending time alone with an ex when you're in a committed relationship with a current person..? That will never sit well with me. Disrespectful.

[pteromom]

I don't know how I could hang out with my exes and not want to bang them. But really.. Spending time alone with an ex when you're in a committed relationship with a current person..? That will never sit well with me. Disrespectful.

 

If that's how you feel, it is a good thing for YOU to not hang out with your exes. But don't make the mistake of assuming everyone thinks like you. There are plenty of people who are friends with exes with no desire to bang them at all. It's not disrespectful.

[Hello_is_it_me]

If that's how you feel, it is a good thing for YOU to not hang out with your exes. But don't make the mistake of assuming everyone thinks like you. There are plenty of people who are friends with exes with no desire to bang them at all. It's not disrespectful.

 

I don't hang out alone with exes if I'm in a committed relationship.

[WLFL]

I guess some people are just wired differently. I don't know how I could hang out with my exes and not want to bang them. But really.. Spending time alone with an ex when you're in a committed relationship with a current person..? That will never sit well with me. Disrespectful.

 

 

Haha. Well you must be still attracted to them then. That's why you'd bang yours and I wouldn't bang mine. Our relationship is dead, gone, we have a new different one. The very thought of having sex with mine creeps me out.

[Hello_is_it_me]

Haha. Well you must be still attracted to them then. That's why you'd bang yours and I wouldn't bang mine. Our relationship is dead, gone, we have a new different one. The very thought of having sex with mine creeps me out.

 

The physical attraction will always be there (they've all been hotties lol). And it's hard for me to just cut off any sentimental feelings that may be there as well. Again, I guess some people are wired differently. But the thing I can't understand is why I would need to hang out one-on-one with my ex if I have a gf at home? What's the purpose of this?