Found boyfriend's old sex tape of him and ex

March 11, 2014

It is?

Maybe it's just me. I freely let other people use my laptop -- but at the same time, I don't expect them to open my files. Or, if I were to let my SO use my phone to make a call or look something up, I wouldn't expect him to scroll through my texts. Not because I have something to hide, but because this is common courtesy -- people are entitled to privacy and making a good faith gesture of sharing a resource (phone, laptop, whatever) doesn't negate that right imo.

YMMV. Apparently, the OP sees it your way.

Do you have a bf that you frequently share your laptop with? This isn't someone passing on the street that might need to borrow your cell for 30 seconds.

March 11, 2014

I'd be disturbed if I found a sex tape of an ex on my bf's comp. I'd wonder why the hell he still has it. Photos and trinkets are one thing, but things of a sexual nature? Like why? I cannot think of a good reason to keep a sex tape unless you want to remember the sex??? that's why you keep photos and trinkets for the emtotional attachment or practical value right? Soooo why keep a sex tape?

I think it's pretty rude of him not to offer to delete it. I guess you could just choose never to look at the file again now that you know what it is....

Plus you hang out with the ex or see her yourself? That's awkward. I'd at least have to ask why he kept the file. I know guys are forgetful but that's pretty insensitive, leaving something like that on a comp you both share and have full access to.

March 11, 2014

It's a red flag both ways. Men good friends with opposite sex. Women good friends with opposite sex. If it's an ex, then it's a bloodied red flag.

No one should demand that anyone share everything with no explanation. There should be no demand in the first place because transparency is assumed. If I'm in a committed relationship, I assume that my SO can look through my computer, my e-mails, my texts if she so pleases. I have nothing to hide or to keep private.

March 11, 2014

I'd be disturbed if I found a sex tape of an ex on my bf's comp. I'd wonder why the hell he still has it. Photos and trinkets are one thing, but things of a sexual nature? Like why? I cannot think of a good reason to keep a sex tape unless you want to remember the sex??? that's why you keep photos and trinkets for the emtotional attachment or practical value right? Soooo why keep a sex tape?

I think it's pretty rude of him not to offer to delete it. I guess you could just choose never to look at the file again now that you know what it is....

Plus you hang out with the ex or see her yourself? That's awkward. I'd at least have to ask why he kept the file. I know guys are forgetful but that's pretty insensitive, leaving something like that on a comp you both share and have full access to.

Why would someone pay an extra $100 to get a video of themselves skydiving? Because it's a huge accomplishment for them and the video is a reminder of what they've achieved. It's not everyday that a guy gets to make a sextape with a girl. It's an achievement that he is proud of. Although he might still have feelings for, it's equally likely that he doesn't.

March 11, 2014

I'd be very pissed off and disturbed, considering a breakup. He should have deleted it. I always delete [innocent] photos with old boyfriends. I expect the same. Keeping something like a sex tape with an ex while you are with someone else, is of bad, cheap taste. Yes, he can do what he wants. The OP can do what she wants as well. One person's freedom ends when another person's freedom starts.

March 11, 2014

I'd be very pissed off and disturbed, considering a breakup. He should have deleted it. I always delete [innocent] photos with old boyfriends. I expect the same. Keeping something like a sex tape with an ex while you are with someone else, is of bad, cheap taste. Yes, he can do what he wants. The OP can do what she wants as well. One person's freedom ends when another person's freedom starts.

how can you say that lest sentence in the same breath where you basically say that everyone has to do like you would do and delete it.

If you can't handle him having this , then leave. One person doesn't get to demand what another keeps or discards from a previous relationship.

The past was real. It HAPPENED. The past is what makes us the people we are today. One person doesn't just get to demand the past gets thrown out because they can't handle the thought that their mate used to sleep with other people. I bets its sat on the laptop untouched for months.

By the way... if it was untouched for months, that doesn't mean you get to then tell him he should delete it.

Like I said, when you feel insecure, its on YOU, not your partner.

March 11, 2014

Why would someone pay an extra $100 to get a video of themselves skydiving? Because it's a huge accomplishment for them and the video is a reminder of what they've achieved. It's not everyday that a guy gets to make a sextape with a girl. It's an achievement that he is proud of. Although he might still have feelings for, it's equally likely that he doesn't.

Wow are you serious? An achievement? I think you're being sarcastic because no one in their right mind would agree with you that a sex tape is a huge accomplishment. How many do you have stashed away of your own sex tapes?

March 11, 2014

Why would someone pay an extra $100 to get a video of themselves skydiving? Because it's a huge accomplishment for them and the video is a reminder of what they've achieved. It's not everyday that a guy gets to make a sextape with a girl. It's an achievement that he is proud of. Although he might still have feelings for, it's equally likely that he doesn't.

I get being proud of an accomplishment, but this memorialization....of this particular type of success....needs to be kept with discretion when you're with someone in a committed relationship. Sex is a very intimate and sensitive subject for most and if it was only "a trophy" he could have put it on a flash drive and put it in a box or something, not leave it on the comp for his gf to stumble on and think wtf. That is woefully insensisitive.

March 11, 2014

how can you say that lest sentence in the same breath where you basically say that everyone has to do like you would do and delete it.

The last sentence means that freedom is not absolute and we have to consider others/compromise. If we want things to work, of course. If we don't care, well then... Keep all the exes videos, print covers and put them on the wall of your toilet as sweet memorabilia. Toilet is a private room, and a woman should not be annoyed if she saw something like this on the wall of a private room.

March 11, 2014

Also skydiving and sex are two different things. You have to dedicate a lot more time and money to go skydiving, of course you'd keep your own video of that if you don't have the time and money to make it happen again. But a sextape? All you need is a partner and a recording device, which most people have on their phone. Seriously a sextape is not so rare of an accomplishment that you HAVE to keep one of an ex :-/. I wouldn't believe that's the only motive for keeping it.

March 11, 2014

1) The sextape...I can understand why he kept it. I don't think it's even about insecurity, but rather that it was a huge accomplishment. It's why people pay the extra money to have a personal skydiving video.

2) She definitely has to ask that he deletes it. That's non-negotiable.

3) The bigger issue is that he's still friends with his ex. Having friends with the opposite sex is already a red flag. This is a red flag with blood splattered all over it.

Woah. Even I have a problem with that last point.

I may hate the fact that he has this video, but I am good friends with an ex from a decade ago and no, we have not been remotely interested in each other since. And I have many male friends, none of whom I've slept with, or had feelings for. So that is ridiculous.

March 11, 2014

Woah. Even I have a problem with that last point.
I may hate the fact that he has this video, but I am good friends with an ex from a decade ago and no, we have not been remotely interested in each other since. And I have many male friends, none of whom I've slept with, or had feelings for. So that is ridiculous.

Yes but thats a good point. You didnt sleep with those other guy friends. I just personally dont understand why people stay best buddies with exs. This stuff right here is what happens. You said so yourself him having a sex tape would be different if they still werent good friends and she came around......

March 11, 2014

Woah. Even I have a problem with that last point.
I may hate the fact that he has this video, but I am good friends with an ex from a decade ago and no, we have not been remotely interested in each other since. And I have many male friends, none of whom I've slept with, or had feelings for. So that is ridiculous.

It's not ridiculous. You're speaking from your own personal experience; I'm speaking from real life. You may be someone with good enough relationship and emotional IQ to maintain such boundaries, but that's not the case with the majority. Like I said, it's a red flag; it's not a dealbreaker. You look at things in totality.

March 11, 2014

Could REALLY use some advice here guys. First time poster. Two days ago, I was on my boyfriend's laptop (which I am welcome to use whenever I want to) and I was trying to locate a previously uploaded video and I found a home sex film of him and his ex - a girl from just over two years ago and they are friends now. I told him what I found and apologised, but he laughed it off and said it was no big deal. But I'm gutted. If it was just some random girl he no longer speaks to I wouldn't really have a problem with it.... lots of people keep naughty things from past nights, me included. But this girl is a friend! Surely this means he still thinks about her in this way? Still loves her?

Still having the video doesn't mean he still thinks about her or still loves her. I think you're getting ahead of yourself.

Have you had any cause for concern over their friendship before this? If not, I don't think you should start now.

With one of my exes he still had some sex videos on a different hard drive with him and his ex-wife, it honestly didn't bother me because I knew they were no longer together and he could have still been with her if he wanted and wasn't. It wasn't like he was watching them or anything anyway, it was just there with a bunch of other stuff he had stored away.

Some people consciously go around deleting all traces of an ex, some people don't. They genuinely forget about some artifacts or even if they remember it isn't anything they think about a lot. I don't have any sex tapes but I'm sure I might have a naughty pic or two of an ex somewhere in an email or old phone SD card lol, and believe me it's not because I love them or think about them in that way. The fact that you are free to use his laptop shows he had nothing to hide and when you mentioned it he didn't respond defensively or like a deer caught in headlights, so that's a GOOD sign that it is not anything to worry about.

However, bring your insecurities up to your bf. When I'm in a relationship I need to feel like I can bring my concerns to my partner, not in an accusatory way, but even if I know it is silly but it still bothers me, I should be able to say "Honey, I know this is gonna sound crazy but I had all these irrational feelings after seeing the video" and he should be able to validate my feelings and we should be able to discuss it and resolve it. At the end of the day, our opinions are our opinions but we aren't living in your relationship with him, so I think it's best to speak with him and handle these feelings together. Maybe he will volunteer to delete the video or do something else which will make you feel more secure.

Edited March 11, 2014 by MissBee

March 11, 2014

If he had been smart he would have put the video in a password protected folder. Until you are married, you don't have to share anything.

March 11, 2014

Also skydiving and sex are two different things. You have to dedicate a lot more time and money to go skydiving, of course you'd keep your own video of that if you don't have the time and money to make it happen again. But a sextape? All you need is a partner and a recording device, which most people have on their phone. Seriously a sextape is not so rare of an accomplishment that you HAVE to keep one of an ex :-/. I wouldn't believe that's the only motive for keeping it.

Guys are simple creatures. He's not thinking the same way you are. This is a guy's thinking:

"Wow, she let me make a sextape, and it's so f*cking hot. I'm the man! Look at me f*ck her so good. For variety, I'll jerk off to it every now and then because it's so hot."

"Ah f*ck, she found it. I knew I should have deleted it or hid it better, but what an awesome tape. Oh well, what can you do? It's no big deal, she'll get over it."

In the end, I think the guy is just stupid, insensitive, and loves validation. Whether it's enough to dump him, that's for the OP to determine. I don't know how the rest of their relationship is like. But I do think there are red flags present.

March 11, 2014

If he had been smart he would have put the video in a password protected folder. Until you are married, you don't have to share anything.

This is bizarre.

It's not like on your wedding night is when you start being open and honest in a relationship or start sharing. Presumably, the marriage vows only formalize the relationship, so things like sharing, transparency etc should ALREADY exist in a relationship before the nuptials.

Frankly, if he had password protected the video it would have seemed even sketchier to me. The fact that he didn't speaks a lot more for the innocence of it. Further, she is using his laptop casually, it's a bit silly to argue that until a couple is married they don't have to let the other use their laptop . I mean come on, this is a normal thing in ANY relationship, friendship or romantic, where you feel comfortable and you allow your SO to use your stuff. Having joint accounts and such yea...I don't plan to do that before married or certain other things with more legal/heftier weightiness to them but anyone can borrow my laptop, not because I am "required to share by virtue of the marriage vows" but because it's not that serious and a pretty standard thing.

March 11, 2014

how can you say that lest sentence in the same breath where you basically say that everyone has to do like you would do and delete it.

If you can't handle him having this , then leave. One person doesn't get to demand what another keeps or discards from a previous relationship.

The past was real. It HAPPENED. The past is what makes us the people we are today. One person doesn't just get to demand the past gets thrown out because they can't handle the thought that their mate used to sleep with other people. I bets its sat on the laptop untouched for months.

By the way... if it was untouched for months, that doesn't mean you get to then tell him he should delete it.
Like I said, when you feel insecure, its on YOU, not your partner.

Okay. So if you knew your girlfriend still had a sex tape with an ex and now good male friend you still had to see and talk regularly, you wouldn't be bothered in the slightest? And if not, why not?

March 11, 2014

If he ever loved her, he never would have made the sex tape. So that should be your biggest worry, what he's really about. I would be inclined to make sure she knows he made it, personally. I realize there's women agreeing to it out there, but they're idiots for it. It's on his computer. It's accessible to the world.

March 11, 2014

** Moderators Note **

This thread is not about snooping, the OP has made it clear that she had her BF's permission and has taken that tangent to task.

Let's keep the posts on topic and if someone else brings up snooping then expect some points.

March 11, 2014

Guys are simple creatures. He's not thinking the same way you are. This is a guy's thinking:

"Wow, she let me make a sextape, and it's so f*cking hot. I'm the man! Look at me f*ck her so good. For variety, I'll jerk off to it every now and then because it's so hot."

"Ah f*ck, she found it. I knew I should have deleted it or hid it better, but what an awesome tape. Oh well, what can you do? It's no big deal, she'll get over it."

In the end, I think the guy is just stupid, insensitive, and loves validation. Whether it's enough to dump him, that's for the OP to determine. I don't know how the rest of their relationship is like. But I do think there are red flags present.

The things you guys chalk up to simplicity lol. And you wonder why we seem crazy! The lack of forethought/consideration from one partner can start a s**tstorm for the other.

My bf does things out of "simplicity" all the time. I can only shake my head in bafflement.

March 11, 2014

The point is, no one just happens to stumble on a sex video, even if they've been given permission to use someone else's laptop.

In any case, it sounds like your insecurity is driving your reaction. Nothing in your posts suggests that your bf still cares about this old gf so, unless there is more to the story, I think you should just move on. People are allowed to have past SOs and being with a new SO does not require them to erase all memory of those who came before.

Perhaps you should get your own laptop so you won't have to see what is on his.

Chocolat,

I think this is a bit absurd frankly, that no one "happens" to stumble upon a sex tape or anything risque on another person's computer (or phone).

This is simply illogical and not true. For me, most recently, and awkwardly, my aunt asked me to help her with something on her laptop in January and as I was busy doing that and was opening a folder to put some files in for her, I came across some pics I didn't need to see . This has also happened to me on one of my college roommate's laptop and a family friends'! These were all people I wasn't involved with so had no reason to snoop around on, but was using their computers and indeed came across explicit pictures.

So it isn't at all far-fetched that someone can find something like this without them specifically snooping around looking for it, because in all those cases, esp the family friend and my aunt I REALLY would rather have NOT seen.

March 11, 2014

but you insist any memory of all exes must be erased. not gonna happen.

Did I ask you to be my boyfriend? I can't remember.

The past is the past. What was there for me to earn is already embedded in me.

I delete the photos when I don't care anymore to keep them. Because I feel they are taking up space. Because I have moved on, started over, and have a new person to take 1000s of photos with.

March 11, 2014

I wouldn't worry about it. He probably forgot it's on there. Even if he knew, I really doubt he watches it. I wouldn't like it either, no one wants to see that. But best thing you can do is try to forget about it and move on (assuming it's deleted now).

March 11, 2014

So what's happened with the OP? Did you talk to him about it again? What has happened on that front?

I can see why it would bother you. It would bother me too and it would make me take a good long look at their friendship with each other. How much do they hang out? How does he act when he is around her. Do they spend time alone together? How long have you two been dating each other? Does he keep his conversations with her private from you?

I mean, I get it, he had a previous relationship with her and she is now his friend. I've been in that situation many many times. But... I also knew that our friendship would be different if he were dating someone. There are certain boundaries that can't be crossed.

I'd be appalled to know that there is a sex tape of me on an ex's computer and that his current girlfriend, whom I know and have met, has seen it. Does she know that you know about it? Does she even know that it exists?

Just my thoughts on this situation... are you overreacting? I can't tell... it really depends on how he handles it. If he deletes it right away and acts like he doesn't care about it then I'd not worry too much. If he doesn't and leaves it sitting there, I'd be concerned as to why he would feel the need to keep it around after knowing that you know about it.

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Found boyfriend's old sex tape of him and ex

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