Found boyfriend's old sex tape of him and ex

[GoreSP]

This is an issue based solely on the insecurity of the woman who found the video. The entire problem is in her mind.

 

Do not ask him to delete the video, because your insecurity is YOUR problem that YOU need to handle on your own. Other people's actions will not cure your insecurity.

 

If he deletes the video, you will still be bothered about it. You will find something else that bothers you, because the problem is inside of your mind. You need to handle your issues yourself, because some one else is not going to cure you of it.

 

I agree with you to some extent. She has already proven she isn't that insecure because she is fine with her boyfriend being friends with an ex.

 

While I would personally not be bothered by the video - I can understand why it would bother some and it wouldn't have much to do with insecurity.

 

Kind of like your parents having sex. You know it's happening but you sure as hell don't want to see any proof of it...

[Chocolat]

Sure, I'm very good friends with one now. And I keep little things from relationships, gifts, some photos and such. But I never keep those of a sexual nature.

My problem isn't that they're exes who've had sex. That would be idiotic.

My problem is that he's kept the evidence, which leads me to assume he still thinks of her in a sexual or romantic way.

 

Ok, but what makes a photo or a gift less significant than a sex tape? If anything, these have the potential for emotional ties which a sex tape may or may not. The bottom line is that just as you are entitled to keep mementos from your past, so is your bf.

[Hopeful30]

This is an issue based solely on the insecurity of the woman who found the video. The entire problem is in her mind.

 

Do not ask him to delete the video, because your insecurity is YOUR problem that YOU need to handle on your own. Other people's actions will not cure your insecurity.

 

If he deletes the video, you will still be bothered about it. You will find something else that bothers you, because the problem is inside of your mind. You need to handle your issues yourself, because some one else is not going to cure you of it.

 

I think you're assuming way too much about the poster. We don't know how she will react. We can't assume all her future reactions just because of this one. And she has every right to feel how she feels, whether it stems from insecurity or not.

 

If you're NOT okay with something in a relationship, then you're not obligated to tolerate it. That's why I broke up with the last guy I was seeing. He thought it was okay to talk to women behind my back (who had bad intentions) and I thought it was NOT okay.

 

We went our separate ways and now I don't have to worry about that nonsense. We just weren't a good match and didn't agree on some things.

 

Maybe her bf thinks its no big deal, but to her it is. Does this make her insecure? No it doesnt. She just doesn't agree with certain things, and she has every right to voice that she doesn't agree with them.

[Keenly]

I think you're assuming way too much about the poster. We don't know how she will react. We can't assume all her future reactions just because of this one. And she has every right to feel how she feels, whether it stems from insecurity or not.

 

If you're NOT okay with something in a relationship, then you're not obligated to tolerate it. That's why I broke up with the last guy I was seeing. He thought it was okay to talk to women behind my back (who had bead intentions) and I thought it was NOT okay.

 

We went our separate ways and now I don't have to worry about that nonsense. We just weren't a good match and didn't agree on some things.

 

Maybe her bf thinks its no big deal, but to her it is. Does this make her insecure? No it doesnt. She just doesn't agree with certain things, and she has every right to voice that she doesn't agree with them.

 

I think it's unfair everyone is bashing the OP. Flip it around that a guy found sex video tapes on his girlfriends computer and I'm pretty sure the responses would be significantly different.

 

But it does make her insecure, for this quote "Does that mean he still loves her or still thinks of her sexually"

 

That is pretty much the textbook definition of insecurity.

[GoreSP]

But it does make her insecure, for this quote "Does that mean he still loves her or still thinks of her sexually"

 

That is pretty much the textbook definition of insecurity.

 

I think it's an acceptable question to ask in this case.

[Hopeful30]

But it does make her insecure, for this quote "Does that mean he still loves her or still thinks of her sexually"

 

That is pretty much the textbook definition of insecurity.

 

Since when does asking questions make someone insecure? These are normal thoughts to have, especially in these circumstances...

[GoreSP]

Since when does asking questions make someone insecure? These are normal thoughts to have, especially in these circumstances...

 

She should let it go at this point though. She brought it up and he laughed it off.

No need to keep poking at him about this.

[Chocolat]

Since when does asking questions make someone insecure? These are normal thoughts to have, especially in the circumstances...

 

I would still argue that the circumstances -- her snooping on her bf's laptop -- are what created this whole mess. Just because someone has permission to use someone else's laptop/closet/house/car/whatever does not mean that permission has been given for a search-and-destroy mission.

 

And yes, it screams of insecurity to think he may still love his ex just because she found one video that her bf laughed off and was not the least bit defensive about.

[Hopeful30]

She should let it go at this point though. She brought it up and he laughed it off.

No need to keep poking at him about this.

 

OP, it's true that you brought it up with your bf and he laughed it off. I think the main issue here is that even though you brought it up, it didn't answer any of your questions.

 

You didn't ask him to delete it. You didn't ask if he still has feelings. You didn't even tell him that it makes you uncomfortable. All you did was say "sorry" and that you found it. Then you come onto this forum and voice your true feelings which indicate that you are not happy with this and it makes you feel uncomfortable.

 

THIS is what you should have said to your bf. Instead you approached it in a different way, expecting way more answers and because you didn't get them, you are worrying much more.

 

Just speak your mind girl. Tell him exactly how you feel, don't be afraid to. His answers might surprise you.

[WLFL]

I would still argue that the circumstances -- her snooping on her bf's laptop -- are what created this whole mess. Just because someone has permission to use someone else's laptop/closet/house/car/whatever does not mean that permission has been given for a search-and-destroy mission.

 

And yes, it screams of insecurity to think he may still love his ex just because she found one video that her bf laughed off and was not the least bit defensive about.

 

 

Please stop implying I did something I actually didn't do.

I was using a computer I was informed I was allowed to use.

I went into the videos section to find a video I had previously uploaded there myself.

The sex video was in the same folder.

And I would never and have never removed or destroyed someone's files.

[Copelandsanity]

This might sound crazy, but what about offering your bf the opportunity to make a sex tape with yourself?

[WLFL]

This might sound crazy, but what about offering your bf the opportunity to make a sex tape with yourself?

 

 

I wouldn't, now that I know that he keeps them.

[FitChick]

It's no big deal to your boyfriend but imagine how the ex-girlfriend would feel knowing you saw something that she thought was private?

 

Just another example of why you shouldn't make sex videos or take nude pics. Someone else will ALWAYS see them.

[Chocolat]

Please stop implying I did something I actually didn't do.

I was using a computer I was informed I was allowed to use.

I went into the videos section to find a video I had previously uploaded there myself.

The sex video was in the same folder.

And I would never and have never removed or destroyed someone's files.

 

Unless the file was named "my_sex_tape_with_[name]" it sounds very much as though you watched the video. Just because you had permission to use the laptop doesn't mean you had permission to view its contents. If this is not the case, my apologies.

[StanMusial]

Unless the file was named "my_sex_tape_with_[name]" it sounds very much as though you watched the video. Just because you had permission to use the laptop doesn't mean you had permission to view its contents. If this is not the case, my apologies.

 

This is really splitting hairs to the point of being ludicrous.

[writergal]

Could REALLY use some advice here guys. First time poster. Two days ago, I was on my boyfriend's laptop (which I am welcome to use whenever I want to) and I was trying to locate a previously uploaded video and I found a home sex film of him and his ex - a girl from just over two years ago and they are friends now. I told him what I found and apologised, but he laughed it off and said it was no big deal. But I'm gutted. If it was just some random girl he no longer speaks to I wouldn't really have a problem with it.... lots of people keep naughty things from past nights, me included. But this girl is a friend! Surely this means he still thinks about her in this way? Still loves her?

 

I've been in your situation OP. I found texts on my ex's cellphone between him and the woman he cheated on me with. My ex also gave me full access to his laptop. Please ignore the posters who accuse you of being insecure or of snooping as they'e clueless twits (sorry but you all are). There's nothing insecure about you stumbling across an old sex tape, or me finding evidence on my ex's cellphone that he was cheating on me.

 

I think you should be pissed that your boyfriend laughed off your hurt feelings and your disappointment that he would keep a sex tape of a woman he used to date, whom he's still friends with. It's my opinion that men who hold on to sex tapes are insecure with themselves, and so they keep their sex tapes and treat them like trophies, to view them at later dates when they need an ego boost.

 

Your boyfriend still has feelings for his ex, who he's friends with or he wouldn't keep his sex tape with her on his laptop for him to view anytime he wants.

 

His laughing it off is a blatant defense mechanism to deflect any accountability for keeping the sex tape. He doesn't want you or any future girlfriends (if you and he ever break up) to find out that he harbors feelings for this woman he's still attracted to sexually. No one would want to date him then. He had his cake (the sex tape with his ex) and he eats it too (maintains a friendship with her as a backup, a "just in case"). Men don't maintain friendships with their ex-girlfriends because they actually respect them. They keep these women tied on loose string so they can get an ego boost, knowing that they're still in the woman's life so she'll still think about him and boost his ego.

 

So my verdict is: he still has feelings for her and you're not a priority to him based on the sh*tty way he reacted when you confronted him.

 

Find an emotionally available man to date. Your boyfriend's definitely not emotionally available to you.

[Chocolat]

This is really splitting hairs to the point of being ludicrous.

 

It is?

 

Maybe it's just me. I freely let other people use my laptop -- but at the same time, I don't expect them to open my files. Or, if I were to let my SO use my phone to make a call or look something up, I wouldn't expect him to scroll through my texts. Not because I have something to hide, but because this is common courtesy -- people are entitled to privacy and making a good faith gesture of sharing a resource (phone, laptop, whatever) doesn't negate that right imo.

 

YMMV. Apparently, the OP sees it your way.

[writergal]

People who accuse you of being insecure or snooping are just being misogynists. When you are in a relationship your cellphone and laptop should be open for the other person to use. If you find evidence of your significant other cheating on you on his/her cellphone or laptop, well, they gave you access so it's not your fault if you stumble across something. I wanted to edit my post and add that, but wasn't able to.

[writergal]

It is?

 

Maybe it's just me. I freely let other people use my laptop -- but at the same time, I don't expect them to open my files. Or, if I were to let my SO use my phone to make a call or look something up, I wouldn't expect him to scroll through my texts. Not because I have something to hide, but because this is common courtesy -- people are entitled to privacy and making a good faith gesture of sharing a resource (phone, laptop, whatever) doesn't negate that right imo.

 

YMMV. Apparently, the OP sees it your way.

 

You contradict yourself if you think you freely let other people use your laptop without the expectation that they will look through your files. People who are given access will look through everything.

 

I'm sorry but you are really naive if you don'think your boyfriend isn't going to scroll through your cellphone texts or read your emails in your inbox and sent box. It's not about courtesy. It's about transparency. If you give someone access to your cellphone, expect them to scroll through every single message you have saved. If you have something to hide, then it will upset you and you'll accuse that person of snooping when the reality is you got caught and don't want to take responsibility for it, which means also apologizing for hurting the other person's feelings. It's attitudes like yours that cause problems in relationships.

[ThatMan]

Insecurity is all about the fear of losing someone you love. There's no pain greater than that. Sometimes your mind may play tricks on you and invent problems out of thin air. Sometimes relationships are faced with very real problems that are tangible. This is a tangible problem that you interact with. You can see this problem, touch it, and talk to it. It is a real human being and she is still involved in the life of your spouse.

 

There is nothing unreasonable about feeling uncomfortable with the idea of your boyfriend hanging out with an old **** buddy who he cannot seem to let go of. You do have a legitimate reason to be insecure in this sort of relationship. Now you can either move on to try to find a man who isn't so per-occupied with holding onto an old flame or you can try to work it out. Tell him that you aren't okay with this if you feel insecure.

[Copelandsanity]

People who accuse you of being insecure or snooping are just being misogynists. When you are in a relationship your cellphone and laptop should be open for the other person to use. If you find evidence of your significant other cheating on you on his/her cellphone or laptop, well, they gave you access so it's not your fault if you stumble across something. I wanted to edit my post and add that, but wasn't able to.

 

I agree with this. While I do think snooping is a sign of insecurity, I also believe that within the context of committed relationship, there is no such thing as privacy. There should not be any secrets between each other, any and everything should be open and fair game. Even if a friend tells you a secret and not to tell your SO, you should tell your SO anyway.

[Sivok]

I can relate, OP.

 

When I'm dating someone and we're emotionally involved, the LAST thing I'd want to see is them being intimate with someone else - let alone passionately so with an ex girlfriend.

 

That would make it ALOT harder for me to feel comfortable with them two hanging out as friends - because coming across a vid like that, I can now vividly imagine them ****ing passionately. No thanks.

 

It might be in the past, but seeing your SO having sex with another infront of your eyes - digital or not - is going to be a stab in the gut.

 

I know she may had past sexual experiences and loves, but I don't want to live that fact as vividly as seeing a vid.

 

I'd ask him to delete it

[Chocolat]

You contradict yourself if you think you freely let other people use your laptop without the expectation that they will look through your files. People who are given access will look through everything.

 

I'm sorry but you are really naive if you don'think your boyfriend isn't going to scroll through your cellphone texts or read your emails in your inbox and sent box. It's not about courtesy. It's about transparency. If you give someone access to your cellphone, expect them to scroll through every single message you have saved. If you have something to hide, then it will upset you and you'll accuse that person of snooping when the reality is you got caught and don't want to take responsibility for it, which means also apologizing for hurting the other person's feelings. It's attitudes like yours that cause problems in relationships.

 

No contradiction and I have nothing to hide. Nor have I ever been in the position of accusing an SO of snooping. You seem to be projecting quite a bit.

 

My belief, which you clearly do not share, is that people are entitled to privacy even when they are in committed relationships. Frankly, if I have to police someone (or be policed), then something is broken -- either in the relationship or in one of the participants.

 

We can agree to disagree on this philosophy.

[Copelandsanity]

I can relate, OP.

 

When I'm dating someone and we're emotionally involved, the LAST thing I'd want to see is them being intimate with someone else - let alone passionately so with an ex girlfriend.

 

That would make it ALOT harder for me to feel comfortable with them two hanging out as friends - because coming across a vid like that, I can now vividly imagine them ****ing passionately. No thanks.

 

It might be in the past, but seeing your SO having sex with another infront of your eyes - digital or not - is going to be a stab in the gut.

 

I know she may had past sexual experiences and loves, but I don't want to live that fact as vividly as seeing a vid.

 

I'd ask him to delete it

 

1) The sextape...I can understand why he kept it. I don't think it's even about insecurity, but rather that it was a huge accomplishment. It's why people pay the extra money to have a personal skydiving video.

 

2) She definitely has to ask that he deletes it. That's non-negotiable.

 

3) The bigger issue is that he's still friends with his ex. Having friends with the opposite sex is already a red flag. This is a red flag with blood splattered all over it.

[RockGuy87]

I also feel for you OP I couldnt imagine seeing that tape. In the past just knowing about it was sometimes enough for me. But I would never be cool with a gf being buddies with their ex's.

 

I will say however that if he was wanting to hide it and keep it from you he is either incredibly stupid or actually did forget about it. If he knew it was there and knew it would cause issues he wouldnt give you free reign on the computer just on the off chance you might find something or he would go to great lengths to hide the file rather than leave it in a generic video folder.

 

Its when youre SO is hesitant about letting you use their stuff that you need to become worried or if they get defensive about it. Like someone said, its all about transparency.