Found boyfriend's old sex tape of him and ex

[WLFL]

Could REALLY use some advice here guys. First time poster. Two days ago, I was on my boyfriend's laptop (which I am welcome to use whenever I want to) and I was trying to locate a previously uploaded video and I found a home sex film of him and his ex - a girl from just over two years ago and they are friends now. I told him what I found and apologised, but he laughed it off and said it was no big deal. But I'm gutted. If it was just some random girl he no longer speaks to I wouldn't really have a problem with it.... lots of people keep naughty things from past nights, me included. But this girl is a friend! Surely this means he still thinks about her in this way? Still loves her?

[PegNosePete]

Surely this means he still thinks about her in this way? Still loves her?

How did you make that leap of logic?

 

He laughed it off and said it was no big deal.. if he still loved her then isn't it much more likely he would react badly, be angry at you for snooping, etc... all the things cheaters usually do?

 

Now I am not saying it is appropriate for him to keep this kind of video on his laptop! But to jump to the conclusion that he is still in love with her based on this alone? It's not enough IMO. Do you have any other reason to be suspicious of their relationship? How would he react if you asked him to delete the video?

[Mr. Nibbles]

Stay off your boyfriend's computer. What were you thinking??? Get your own computer.

[Chocolat]

So it would be better if your bf had made a sex tape with a random chick than an old gf?

 

Based on his reaction, it doesn't seem that this tape holds much emotional significance for him. Is there something else happening in the relationship that led you to snoop and feel that he may still be in love with his ex?

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

I absolutely get where u are coming from completely I would feel the same, however it is from the past and really u dont have much other choice than asking him to delete it thats all u can do... u have to let it go... as hard as that is x

[Chocolat]

Stay off your boyfriend's computer. What were you thinking??? Get your own computer.

 

Exactly. I am amazed at the number of posters who just happen to "stumble" on nude pics, sex tapes, etc., on an SOs computer. Sounds like a whole lotta snooping going on to me.

[WLFL]

So it would be better if your bf had made a sex tape with a random chick than an old gf?

 

Based on his reaction, it doesn't seem that this tape holds much emotional significance for him. Is there something else happening in the relationship that led you to snoop and feel that he may still be in love with his ex?

 

 

I wasn't snooping. Read my post again, I am allowed to use his computer whenever I want. His words, not mine. I have a few of my own files on there.

 

 

And yes, it would be better if it was with a random chick than a girl he used to be love with and is now friends with and who I have to see. Yes.

[WLFL]

Stay off your boyfriend's computer. What were you thinking??? Get your own computer.

 

 

READ MY ORIGINAL POST. I am allowed to use it whenever I want to. I have my own stuff on there too.

[Chocolat]

I wasn't snooping. Read my post again, I am allowed to use his computer whenever I want. His words, not mine. I have a few of my own files on there.

 

 

And yes, it would be better if it was with a random chick than a girl he used to be love with and is now friends with and who I have to see. Yes.

 

The point is, no one just happens to stumble on a sex video, even if they've been given permission to use someone else's laptop.

 

In any case, it sounds like your insecurity is driving your reaction. Nothing in your posts suggests that your bf still cares about this old gf so, unless there is more to the story, I think you should just move on. People are allowed to have past SOs and being with a new SO does not require them to erase all memory of those who came before.

 

Perhaps you should get your own laptop so you won't have to see what is on his.

[GoreSP]

Surely this means he still thinks about her in this way? Still loves her?

 

You know the fact there is a video or not doesn't change the fact he is friends with a girl he has had sex with in the past.

[WLFL]

The point is, no one just happens to stumble on a sex video, even if they've been given permission to use someone else's laptop.

In any case, it sounds like your insecurity is driving your reaction. Nothing in your posts suggests that your bf still cares about this old gf so, unless there is more to the story, I think you should just move on. People are allowed to have past SOs and being with a new SO does not require them to erase all memory of those who came before.

 

Perhaps you should get your own laptop so you won't have to see what is on his.

 

 

 

I have no issues with pasts. I do when the past is still in the present, which it is, considering I have to see this girl.

[WLFL]

You know the fact there is a video or not doesn't change the fact he is friends with a girl he has had sex with in the past.

 

 

 

....I have no problem with that? I have a couple of exes as friends too.

[MidwestUSA]

I have no issues with pasts. I do when the past is still in the present, which it is, considering I have to see this girl.

 

 

So you want us to tell you he needs to eliminate this girl from his life because you can't erase the video from you head?

[Ninjainpajamas]

That's just something a guy would keep for safe-keeping, like memorabilia...I doubt he watches or thinks about her anymore otherwise (well just for fun occasionally maybe) but guys aren't that dedicated, there's plenty of free porn on the internet with new women they've never seen before.

 

So from a guys perspective, I wouldn't feel gutted over that. It was a past relationship and a long time ago, however what's more important is what kind of relationship he has with her now, many people stay "friends" with ex's but that also increases the availability of being sexual with her again having been so before, but if they're both in their own relationships then you're probably alright.

[Chocolat]

I have no issues with pasts. I do when the past is still in the present, which it is, considering I have to see this girl.

 

The fact that they are friends does not make it his present, unless they are still having sex together. And, as someone pointed out, the presence or absence of the video doesn't change the fact that they once did have sex together, presumably enthusiastically. Some things just don't bear dwelling on, imo.

 

Have you never been friends with an ex?

[WLFL]

The fact that they are friends does not make it his present, unless they are still having sex together. And, as someone pointed out, the presence or absence of the video doesn't change the fact that they once did have sex together, presumably enthusiastically. Some things just don't bear dwelling on, imo.

 

Have you never been friends with an ex?

 

 

 

Sure, I'm very good friends with one now. And I keep little things from relationships, gifts, some photos and such. But I never keep those of a sexual nature.

My problem isn't that they're exes who've had sex. That would be idiotic.

My problem is that he's kept the evidence, which leads me to assume he still thinks of her in a sexual or romantic way.

[Hopeful30]

So you want us to tell you he needs to eliminate this girl from his life because you can't erase the video from you head?

 

That's not the point. The point is that he has a sex video with someone he still keeps in touch with. Usually when you move on from a person, you delete all these things.

 

There's a chance he forgot or didn't think to, which is fine. So now it's the OPs responsibility to tell him she feels a bit uncomfortable that he kept such a video and would feel much better if he deleted it.

 

If he still talks to this ex, AND keeps a video, then she needs to sit him down and have a serious talk with him and voice her concerns. They might be legitimate or they might stem from insecure thoughts, but she won't get anywhere until she discusses this with her boyfriend.

 

Don't jump to conclusions unless you've had a talk with him. For all you know he has NO IDEA how this is affecting you and forgot about it the second you mentioned it.

[MidwestUSA]

Sure, I'm very good friends with one now. And I keep little things from relationships, gifts, some photos and such. But I never keep those of a sexual nature.

My problem isn't that they're exes who've had sex. That would be idiotic.

My problem is that he's kept the evidence, which leads me to assume he still thinks of her in a sexual or romantic way.

 

Guys are not good at remembering what they have on their computer, or keeping things cleaned up. Did he indicate he was keeping it 'fondly'? It doesn't sound that way.

 

 

Did he offer to delete it? (Not saying he should have to, but it's a nice gesture).

[GoreSP]

Sure, I'm very good friends with one now. And I keep little things from relationships, gifts, some photos and such. But I never keep those of a sexual nature.

My problem isn't that they're exes who've had sex. That would be idiotic.

My problem is that he's kept the evidence, which leads me to assume he still thinks of her in a sexual or romantic way.

 

You know Dr House once said 'assuming makes an ass out of you and..well just you, actually'

 

If you brought it up with your boyfriend and he laughed it off, you need to leave it at that at once.

 

Edit: I still think about some of the sex I've had with my ex, btw. Nothing wrong with that. Doesn't meant they'll get back together or that he'll cheat on you with her.

[WLFL]

Guys are not good at remembering what they have on their computer, or keeping things cleaned up. Did he indicate he was keeping it 'fondly'? It doesn't sound that way.

 

 

Did he offer to delete it? (Not saying he should have to, but it's a nice gesture).

 

 

 

No he didn't. I'm in two minds as of asking him to. Not sure.

[GorillaTheater]

I have to imagine that if I was in the OP's place, I wouldn't be too thrilled about finding this video.

 

Who the hell knows what still having it means? But you're perfectly within your rights to tell your BF "I'm not okay with this". Full stop; no explanations. Depending on how he deals with that, you can determine for yourself whether or not this is the relationship for you.

[Hopeful30]

No he didn't. I'm in two minds as of asking him to. Not sure.

 

If it's not a big deal to him, he will delete it. Even if its a nice video, out of respect and courtesy to you, he should delete it (if you ask) because it would mean a lot to you, and if he truly cares about you and not the video, deleting it will be no problem.

 

Honey why are you biting your tongue? Insecure or not, you have a right to feel the way you're feeling and you have every right to voice these feelings to your bf. Don't bite your tongue just because you want to appear 'cool' or 'secure' about it. That's not how things work and trust me, it will only create more tension and insecurity.

[MidwestUSA]

That's not the point. The point is that he has a sex video with someone he still keeps in touch with. Usually when you move on from a person, you delete all these things.

 

 

My point was this: WHAT does OP want? She's jumped defensively all over everything anyone has offered up here. My guess is she wants us to tell her something that allows her to pick a fight or break up with this guy.

 

 

[Keenly]

This is an issue based solely on the insecurity of the woman who found the video. The entire problem is in her mind.

 

Do not ask him to delete the video, because your insecurity is YOUR problem that YOU need to handle on your own. Other people's actions will not cure your insecurity.

 

If he deletes the video, you will still be bothered about it. You will find something else that bothers you, because the problem is inside of your mind. You need to handle your issues yourself, because some one else is not going to cure you of it.

[Hopeful30]

My point was this: WHAT does OP want? She's jumped defensively all over everything anyone has offered up here. My guess is she wants us to tell her something that allows her to pick a fight or break up with this guy.

 

 

 

I think she's just looking for reassurance that it doesn't mean anything. It could also stem from the fact that she doesn't have a sex video with her current bf, and the fact that he's keeping an old one from an ex somehow makes the ex "better" or "more special" because well... he kept their sex video and didn't even bother making one with his current girlfriend.

 

It could stem from a lot of things, but to be honest I think her biggest issue is talking about it on a forum rather than talking about it to her bf (which would give her far more results and understanding).